Grooms, Cohen, Montague, Burghart

  • 01/17/2003

SO, YOU KNOW, A GIRLFRIEND

CALLED ME, AND SHE WAS LIKE,

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE ONE OF OUR

OTHER FRIENDS IS GETTING

MARRIED.

SO THEY TOLD ME I HAVE TO

CHIP IN FOR A MALE STRIPPER.

I'M LIKE YOU ARE OUT YOUR

DAMN MIND.

I AIN'T PAYING FOR NO NAKED ASS

MAN.

I MEAN, YOU THINK ABOUT IT--

WOMEN-- WE REALLY DON'T HAVE

TO PAY TO SEE THAT.

(WOMEN CHEERING LOUDLY)

I MEAN, REALLY, WE SPEND MOST OF

OUR TIME TRYING NOT TO SEE THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW?

AND ANY DECENT LOOKING WOMAN CAN

GO UP JUST TO ABOUT ANY GUY

AND GO, "YOU KNOW, I WOULD

REALLY LIKE TO SEE YOU NAKED."

AND HE WILL GO, "FOR REAL?

GIRL, DON'T YOU PLAY WITH ME

LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU PLAY.

ARE YOU--

YEAH?

COME ON, YOU CAN SEE ME NAKED,

COME ON.

WHAT YOU PUT THAT AWAY,

YOUR MONEY'S NO GOOD HERE.

SHOOT, I WAS ABOUT TO GIVE YOU

$20."

ALL RIGHT!

THIS IS NICE, NICE GOOD-LOOKING

CROWD.

YOU KNOW NICE CULTURAL MIX.

THAT'S COOL.

I'M COOL WITH THAT.

I GREW UP AROUND OTHERS.

YOU KNOW.

IT'S TRUE, YOU EVER HEAR

WHITE PEOPLE SAY, "I HAVE

A BLACK FRIEND?"

AUDIENCE MEMBER>> YES.

KYLE GROOMS>> I'M THE FRIEND

THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT, YOU KNOW

WHAT I MEAN?

SOMETIMES I'M THE ONLY BROTHER

AT A PARTY.

I GOTTA LISTEN TO ROCK MUSIC

ALL NIGHT AND I CAN TELL WHEN

THEY TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL

COMFORTABLE BECAUSE OUT OF

NOWHERE A SONG LIKE "BABY GOT

BACK" WILL START PLAYING.

AND EVERYONE IN THE PARTY WILL

STARE ABOUT ME LIKE I'M ABOUT

TO START A SOUL TRAIN LINE OR

SOMETHING.

"HE'S GONNA DANCE!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M WORKING ON MY IMAGE.

WORKING ON MY IMAGE.

A LOT OF BROTHERS NOW IN THE

STREET, THE STYLE IS THE

THUG STYLE, YOU KNOW,

THE TIMBERLAND BOOTS, THE BAGGY

JEANS, THE BIG PUFFY JACKETS,

THE HOODIES, EVEN IN AUGUST.

YOU KNOW THE GUYS THAT

INTIMIDATE YOU?

I WANNA BE A THUG SO BAD BUT I

CAN'T BECAUSE I WEAR GLASSES.

ISN'T THAT CRAZY?

NO ONE RESPECTS MY THUGISM

BECAUSE I HAVE ASTIGMATISM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW IT'S CRAZY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

NO, I JUST ACCEPT EVERYONE,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE I HAVE A BROTHER WHO HATED

MY NEIGHBORHOOD BECAUSE IT

WASN'T BLACK ENOUGH FOR HIM.

SO HE MOVED AWAY TO ONE OF THOSE

GATED COMMUNITIES.

PRISON.

MY BROTHER BECAME MILITANT,

JOINED THE NATION OF ISLAM

IN PRISON, NOW I CAN'T SAY

ANYTHING TO HIM WITHOUT HIM

PREACHING.

LIKE THIS PAST HOLIDAY,

I INVITED HIM TO HANG OUT.

I WAS LIKE, "ERIC, YOU WANNA

COME SPEND SOME TIME, IT'S THE

4th OF JULY?"

HE LOST HIS MIND, "4th OF JULY?!

KYLE YOU LOST, SEE BECAUSE

THE BLACK MAN DIDN'T HAVE ANY

INDEPENDENCE 1776, YOU CAN LOOK

AT THAT WORD, 4th OF JULY

AND YOU CAN SEE IT AIN'T FOR

THE BLACK MAN.

YOU HAVE TO BREAK THE WORDS

DOWN, KYLE, BREAK THEM DOWN.

4-- SEE THAT REPRESENTS 400.

400 YEARS OF OPPRESSION.

NOW LOOK AT THE WORD JULY.

BREAK THAT WORD DOWN, JEW-LIE,

JEWS LIE, JEWS LIE.

400 YEARS OF JEW'S LIES."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DIDN'T LOOK AT IT THAT WAY.

I LOVE AMERICA, MAN.

I LOVE AMERICA.

THEY'RE WORRYING ABOUT WHAT TO

DO ABOUT NATIONAL SECURITY NOW.

THEY WANNA KEEP FOREIGN THREATS

OUT OF THE U.S.

I HAVE A SOLUTION.

I THINK WE SHOULD PUT A

VELVET ROPE AROUND THE ENTIRE

U.S. BORDER AND HIRE NIGHTCLUB

BOUNCERS TO GUARD THE COUNTRY.

NO, SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY.

BECAUSE--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

'CAUSE NO ONE TAKES THEIR JOB

MORE SERIOUSLY THAN A NIGHTCLUB

BOUNCER.

IF YOU'RE NOT ON THE GUEST LIST,

YOU'RE NOT GETTING IN THE

COUNTRY.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE NIGHTCLUB

BOUNCERS?

THEY'RE GETTING PAID MINIMUM

WAGE BUT ACT LIKE THEY OWN

THE CLUB.

YOU EVER SEE THE BIG GUYS

BOSSING PEOPLE AROUND?

"HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, BACK UP

FROM THE ROPE.

HEY, YOU, BACK UP FROM THE ROPE.

HEY, DON'T TOUCH THE ROPE.

THIS IS MY ROPE.

HEY, YOU, LET ME SEE YOUR I.D.

NO, LET ME SEE THE I.D.

BACK UP FROM THE ROPE,

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

BACK UP.

OKAY, I CAN DO THIS, 1976--

CARRY THE ZERO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GO AHEAD, HE'S OKAY,

HE'S 76 YEARS OLD, I DID THE

MATH.

THAT'S MY TIME, I'M KYLE GROOMS,

DANNY COHEN>> WOW-WEE.

IT'S CRAZY.

WOW-WEE, I'M TELLING YOU,

CRAZY THINGS ARE HAPPENING,

CRAZY.

I WAS SITTING ON THE SUBWAY AND

WE WENT THROUGH A DARK TUNNEL.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THE LIGHTS

WENT OUT AND I HEARD A GUNSHOT

AND A SCREAM, SO I HELD ON

TO MY WALLET.

I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT

THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE,

BUT I'M NOT GONNA BE A VICTIM."

(LAUGHTER)

A MINUTE LATER THE LIGHTS COME

BACK UP AND I REALIZED SOMEONE

HAD STOLEN MY BROOCH.

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

THAT'S CRAZY.

I TOLD THIS STORY TO MY MOTHER

AND SHE GOT REALLY ANGRY.

SHE WAS LIKE, "DANNY, I DON'T

WANT TO HEAR THESE STORIES

ANYMORE.

YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME A HEART

ATTACK!

SINCE WHEN DID YOU START WEARING

A BROOCH!"

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

BUT I HAVE TO BE SO CAREFUL WITH

WHAT I SAY IN MY HOUSE BECAUSE

THERE'S SO MUCH RAGE AND

HOSTILITY AND IT'S ALL TARGETED

TOWARDS ME.

SO LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, THE OTHER

DAY I PULLED A MUSCLE IN MY

KNEE.

AND I WAS LIKE, "MA, DO YOU HAVE

ANY BEN GAY?"

SHE'S LIKE, "DANNY, I DON'T LIKE

THAT NAME.

(LAUGHTER)

WE DON'T HAVE THAT STUFF IN THIS

HOUSE.

NOBODY IN THIS FAMILY USES THAT

STUFF.

YOUR BROTHERS DON'T USE IT,

YOUR FATHER DON'T--

WHY DO YOU WANNA USE IT?"

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU

TALKING ABOUT, MA, AS A MATTER

OF FACT UNCLE LOUIE ALWAYS USES

IT."

SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH, ALL RIGHT,

UNCLE LOUIE, MAYBE, BUT NOBODY

TALKS ABOUT IT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I HAVE TO GET A JOB.

I DO, I DO.

THE LAST JOB I HAD I WORKED

FOR THIS COMPANY.

AND-- OKAY, THIS WAS THE MOST

TERRIFYING JOB I EVER HAD.

FIRST OF ALL, THE OBJECTIVE WAS

THEY WOULD SEND ME OUT TO

PEOPLE'S HOMES TO BUILD AND

ORGANIZE THEIR CLOSET SPACE.

THIS WAS THE SCARIEST JOB FIRST

OF ALL THE NAME OF THE COMPANY

WAS 'CLOSET CASE.'

(LAUGHTER)

BUT WHAT WAS REALLY SCARY WAS,

THEY MADE ME WEAR THE COMPANY

T-SHIRT EVERY DAY.

ON THE FRONT IT SAID, 'DANNY'.

ON THE BACK IT SAID,

'CLOSET CASE.'

I CAN'T WEAR THIS.

I CAN'T WEAR THIS SHIRT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I CAN'T WEAR IT.

I COULDN'T WEAR IT.

IT WAS SO SCARY.

THAT'S WHY I QUIT THAT--

SO NOW I BABY-SIT MY NEPHEWS AND

NIECES.

AND MY NEPHEWS AND NIECES ARE

THE OPPOSITE OF THE REST OF MY

FAMILY.

THEY'RE SO HONEST.

LIKE THEY'LL COME SKIPPING

UP TO ME AND THEY'LL BE LIKE,

"UNCLE DANNY, UNCLE DANNY,

YOU ACT LIKE A GIRL."

(LAUGHTER)

SO I'LL LOOK AT THEM, AND I'LL

BE LIKE, "THAT'S STRANGE.

CHARLIE DOESN'T THINK I ACT LIKE

A GIRL."

AND THEY LOOK AT ME AND THEY'RE

LIKE, "WHO'S CHARLIE?"

AND I'M LIKE "CHARLIE HIDES IN

YOUR CLOSET."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND AT NIGHT CHARLIE WAITS FOR

YOU TO FALL ASLEEP SO HE CAN

SNEAK OUT AND BITE YOUR FEET

OFF.

SHOULD I DOUBLE CHECK WITH

CHARLIE TO SEE IF I ACT LIKE

A GIRL?

THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, YOU DON'T

ACT LIKE A GIRL.

WE DON'T WANNA MEET CHARLIE."

AND THEY RUN AWAY SCREAMING.

AND MY SISTER COMES UP TO ME

THE NEXT DAY, SHE'S LIKE,

"DANNY, MY KIDS, THEY WERE UP

ALL NIGHT.

THEY WERE SCREAMING, THEY WERE

CRYING ABOUT SOME GUY NAMED

CHARLIE IN THE CLOSET."

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW, ESTHER,

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR KIDS HAVE

SEXUAL ISSUES."

I'M DA

ROBIN MONTAGUE>> HI, EVERYBODY!

YEAH!

OOH, I'M JUST HAPPY TO COME OUT

HERE AND TALK TO Y'ALL.

I LIKE TO TALK TO EVERYBODY,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

OOH, IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK IN

NEW YORK.

I USED TO LIVE IN LA.

I HAD TO LEAVE, THOUGH,

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE PEOPLE SO

BACKWARDS IN HOLLYWOOD.

THEY TAKE DRUGS RIGHT OUT IN

THE OPEN.

AND EAT IN THE CLOSET.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU DON'T SEE NO (BLEEP)

LIKE THAT.

NO, FORGET ALL THAT.

LISTEN, I ASKED THIS GIRLFRIEND

OF MINE, I SAID, "YOU WANT SOME

FRENCH FRIES?"

SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, NO,

THE CALORIES, THE CHOLESTEROL."

(SNORTING)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE MODELS CAN'T EAT--

THE MODELS CAN'T EAT AT ALL.

YOU KNOW, THEY LIVING OFF OF AIR

AND HAIRSPRAY.

(LAUGHTER)

CHILD, I WAS AT A HOLLYWOOD

PARTY TALKING TO A SUPERSTAR

MODEL, WE'RE IN SUPERMODELS,

YEAH, AND SHE'S ON THE COVER OF

EVERY MAGAZINE.

AND SHE'S TALKING TO ME YOU

KNOW, AND SHE'S ALL LIKE,

"ROBIN, NEXT MONTH I'M GONNA BE

ON THE COVER OF W.W.W--"

(LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S WHY I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

OF COLOR, HONEY.

I'M GLAD I LIKE BLACK MEN,

THE BLACK MEN LIKE ME.

BROTHERS DON'T USUALLY GO FOR

THAT WHOLE CRAZY LOOK.

YOU KNOW THE BIG HEAD,

10-YEAR-OLD BOY BODY, ALIEN LOOK

Y'ALL GOT GOING.

AIN'T NOBODY FEATURING THAT,

HONEY.

BROTHERS LIKE US THE WAY WE ARE:

PUFFY.

YOU KNOW HOW WE PUFFY?

I'M PUFFY HERE.

I NOTICE SOME PUFFS RIGHT HERE

'CAUSE THERE'S ALWAYS A LOT OF

PUFFS HERE.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOME KNEE

PUFFING RIGHT IN HERE,

KNEE PUFFING?

MY MAN DIGS THE ANKLE PUFFING

A LOT--

I GOT ANKLE PUFFING GOING ON.

BUT Y'ALL KNOW I WANNA BE IN

MORE TELEVISION, MORE MOVIES, SO

I TRIED TO LOSE WEIGHT ONE DAY.

WHEW!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I WENT TO AN AEROBICS CLASS,

Y'ALL.

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER GONE TO THE

CLASS.

I LOST MY MONKEY MIND IN

AEROBICS CLASS.

YOU SEEING THE TEACHERS LYING,

AND SIX MORE, AND FOUR MORE,

AND TWO MORE AND TWO MORE,

AND TWO MORE, AND TWO MORE,

AND TWO MORE, AND, TWO MORE,

AND, "BITCH, THAT WAS TWO!"

(LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I MIGHT BE FAT, BUT I CAN COUNT,

GOD-(BLEEP)!

I KNOW HOW MANY DONUTS ARE IN A

DOZEN.

DON'T MAKE ME COUNT UP ALL IN

HERE.

MAN, I DON'T LIKE ALL THAT

WORKING OUT AND STUFF.

BUT I'M GONNA TELL Y'ALL WHAT

I DID.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING

TO BE A BIG OLD MOVIE STAR AND

ALL THAT.

WELL, I'M FABULOUS, BUT ANYWAY.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT I DID, THOUGH,

I HAD PLASTIC SURGERY.

PLASTIC SURGERY IS EXPENSIVE

BECAUSE YOU NEVER GET ONE THING.

WHILE THEY'RE WORKING ON YOUR

EYES, THEY'LL SAY STUFF TO YOU,

LIKE YOU KNOW YOU GONNA GO BLIND

IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR CHIN DONE.

SO I GOT MY CHIN DONE.

BUT YOU KNOW IT WAS LIKE THEY

PUT THIS CHINSTRAP ON ME AND IT

DIDN'T HURT, BUT I COULDN'T

TALK.

OH, I'D RATHER BE DEAF AND BLIND

THAN NOT BE ABLE TO TALK.

OOH, YOU COULD CUT OFF MY ARMS,

CUT OFF MY LEGS, AS LONG AS I

CAN JUST ROLL AND TALK.

ROLL AND TALK.

I HAVE TO TALK.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I LIKE TO TALK.

MY MAN TRIED TO LEAVE ME FOR

TALKING TOO MUCH.

AND I TALKED HIM OUT OF IT.

I JUST SAID, "COME ON BACK,

COME ON BACK, BABY."

AND I GOTTA TELL YOU, L.A.,

THE ATTITUDE OUT THERE IS JUST

HYSTERICAL TO ME.

IT REALLY IS.

NOW I'M FROM TEXAS, I'M USED

TO ATTITUDE, YOU KNOW.

BUT L.A. ATTITUDE IS HYSTERICAL

BECAUSE IT'S ALL IN THE EYES.

I WENT TO A DEPARTMENT STORE

THE OTHER DAY, "SIR, CAN YOU

HELP ME."

(SIGHS)

"HOLD ON, JUST A SECOND."

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"QUESTION, HOW MANY FINGERS

AM I HOLDING UP?

TWO RIGHT?

SO YOU CAN SEE THAT I'M ON

THE PHONE.

ANYWAY, SO AS I WAS SAYING,

BEFORE I WAS SO RUDELY

INTERRUPTED."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OH, YEAH.

YEAH.

BELIEVE ME, YOU HAVE THAT HAPPEN

TO YOU MORE THAN TWICE,

YOU BECOME BERNIE MAC RIGHT ON

THE SPOT.

I SIT THERE AND GO, "NOW HOLD

ON, JUST A SECOND UP HERE YOU

SUM OF...

I SAY HOLD ON."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I SAID, "I KNOW YOU WASN'T JUST

TRYING TO TALK LIKE ME.

I KNOW YOU WASN'T JUST TRYING

TALKING TO ME.

I SAID THERE BETTER BE SOMEONE

STANDING BEHIND ME UP IN THIS

SUMAMABITCH, I AIN'T GOT TIME

FOR THIS(BLEEP).

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A WHITE GUY DO

BERNIE MAC BEFORE, IT'S KIND OF

FREAKY, ISN'T IT?

YEAH.

IT'S KIND OF FREAKY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT DOESN'T LOOK RIGHT.

IT DOESN'T REALLY LOOK RIGHT

COMING OUT OF THIS CRACKER BODY.

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.

I LOOK LIKE RANDY QUAID

ON CRACK, COUSIN EDDIE FROM THE

VACATION MOVIES AT THE BARBECUE?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

HEY, CLARK.

MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM.

GET TO SPEND A WHOLE LOT OF TIME

WITH MY OWN FAMILY BECAUSE THEY

ALL LIVE IN TEXAS.

SO I SPEND TIME WITH MY

SURROGATE FAMILY, THE OSBOURNES.

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW;

OZZY PUTS ME UNDER MY CHAIR

ON THIS SHOW.

HE'S LIKE A BIG KID, ISN'T HE?

EVERY EPISODE.

"OZZY, THIS LAMP WAS BROKEN."

"I DIDN'T KNOW."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"I-- YOU KNOW-- I MEAN YOU

KNOW...

I DIDN'T KNOW.

I MEAN I...

(MUMBLING)

I CAME INTO THE ROOM, YOU KNOW,

THE LAMP WAS BROKEN, YOU KNOW.

SHARON!

I DIDN'T KNOW."

AND OZZY WILL KEEP TALKING,

EVEN IF YOU PULL THE MICROPHONE

AWAY FROM HIM.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

I UNDERSTAND WHERE I'M GOING...

(MUMBLING)

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW THIS IS FROM THE

COCAINE...

I'M SURPRISED, I JUST GOTTA TELL

YOU THAT THAT FAMILY HAS NOT

BEEN ON WORLD'S WILDEST POLICE

VIDEOS WITH JOHN BANNELL.

Y'ALL SEEN THE SHOW?

WHITE HAIRED SHERIFF WHO DOES

ALL THE NARRATING.

OH, GOSH, IS HE FUNNY.

HE IS, BECAUSE HE ALWAYS DOES

THOSE, YOU KNOW, DOUBLE

ENTENDRES AND EVERYTHING.

IT'S REALLY OVER THE TOP.

"LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.

THE DRIVE OF THIS STOLEN CAR

THINKS HE'S GOT AWAY SCOT-FREE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT THERE'S NOTHING FREE WHEN

CRIME DOESN'T PAY.

HIS CAR BOUNCES FROM SIDE TO

SIDE LIKE A CRAZED PINBALL,

BUT THE ONLY GAME HE'S PLAYING

IS ONE OF HIGH STAKES."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I THINK IT WOULD BE SO GREAT IF

JOHN BANNELL YANKED THE DRIVER

OUT OF THE CAR HIMSELF AND GOES,

"YOU WERE SPEEDING."

AND THE DRIVER GOES,

(OZZY'S VOICE) "I DIDN'T KNOW.

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