Monday, May 4, 2015

  • 05/04/2015

Grace Helbig, Paul F. Tompkins and John Hodgman #DumbDownABook, learn about unfashionable dads, guess which awful commercials are real and list extremely British baby names.

>> CHRIS: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH.

DON'T BE ALARMED, IT'S A NEWGRAPHIC SINCE THE LAST TIME

YOU WERE HERE, PAUL.

>> IT WAS RIPPED FROM TODAY'SHEADLINES.

>> I KNOW, RIPPED, RIPPED.

IF YOU HAVE BEEN ANYWHERE NEARAN INTERNET IN THE LAST FEW

DAYS, YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THE NEWHOW OLD APP.

IT IS A [BLEEP] TON OF FUNOUT THERE.

SOFTWARE FROM MICROSOFT THATGUESSES YOUR AGE BASED ON A

FACIAL ANALYSIS FROM A USERUPLOADED PHOTO -- IN EXCHANGE

FOR YOUR PERSONAL INFO ANDMETADATA.

SOME, OF COURSE, PEOPLE ARE--I'M NOT KIDDING.

SO, SOME PEOPLE ARE ALREADYUSING THIS EVIL NEW POWER

FOR GOOD.

HERE IS AGE APPROPRIATEEX-COUPLE ARIANA GRANDE AND BIG

SEAN, RIGHT THERE.

I DIDN'T KNOW, THAT'S ABOUTRIGHT.

AND OF COURSE IN CASE YOUWERE WONDERING HERE IS DANNY

GLOVER FROM LETHAL WEAPON,TOO OLD FOR THIS [BLEEP].

PEOPLE AT TIMES SAY, HEY, YOULOOK YOUNGER THAN YOU ACTUALLY

ARE SO I DECIDED TO GIVETHIS A SHOT.

THE VAMPIRE, THERE IT IS.

I CAN NEVER DIE.

YES, PAUL.

>> IF I MAY, IF YOU AREWONDERING HOW EVIL.

>> CHRIS: PLEASE, APPROACH THEBENCH.

IF ARE YOU WONDERING HOW EVILIT IS, THEY ARE BARELY HIDING

HITLER.

>>CHRIS: SO COMEDIANS, WE WILLPLAY A QUICK GAME, WE TOOK THE

LIBERTY OF PUTTING YOURPICTURES I THE APP AND I YOU

WANT YOU TO GUESS YOUR HOW OLDAGE WITHOUT GOING OVER.

PRICE IS RIGHT-STYLE.

WHOEVER GETS CLOSEST GETSPOINTS.

HERE IS PAUL FROM I THINKIT'S SCIENTOLOGY GALA, I'M

NOT SURE.

>> I STAND TALL.

>> CHRIS: PAUL, HOW OLD DO YOUTHINK ARE YOU?

OH, GETTING A LOT OF HELP FROMTHE AUDIENCE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, PAUL?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY... WITHOUTGOING OVER?

>> CHRIS: YEAH.

>> ONE.

>> CHRIS: GODDAMN IT, YOU PRICESRIGHTED US.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S A FAIR ANSWER.

PAUL YOUR ACTUAL RETAIL AGE IS-- 24.

>> [BLEEP] ALL Y'ALL.

SOMEBODY SAID 60 OVER HERE.

>> CHRIS: HERE IS JOHN HODGMANFROM THE SHORT-LIVED PORN DAYS.

OR YOU WERE IN A WESANDERSON MOVIE.

>> I AM ALWAYS AUDITIONING.

>> CHRIS: JOHN HODGMAN, HOW OLDDO YOU THINK ARE YOU.

>> I WOULD SAY-- I HEARDSOMEONE-- I HEARD SOMEONE IN

THE AUDIENCE YELL OUT 43YEARS, 47 WEEKS AND SIX

DAYS.

>> CHRIS: OH WOW.

>> AND I'M GOING TO GO WITHTHAT, SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, ACTUAL RETAILPRICE OF YOUR AGE, 54.

NOW HERE IS GRACE REACTIING TOJOHN HODGMAN'S SHORT-LIVED

PORN DAYS.

GRACE, HOW OLD DO YOU THINK ITSAYS?

>> MORE YELLING.

I AM GOING TO SAY 38.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

THE ACTUAL RETAIL PRICE OFYOUR AGE IS 76.

IT WAS THROWN OFF BY THEFACIAL EXPRESSION.

>> I THINK IT THINKS I'M ANEMOJI.

>> CHRIS: THAT MEANS JOHNHODGMAN WAS CLOSEST AN GETS THE

POINTS.

NOW TIME

FOR THE HASHTAG WARS.

HERE'S A NOD TO ALL OF YOULITERATI OUT THERE.

KIM KARDASHIAN IS RELEASESING ABOOK THIS WEEK.

IT'S A THOUGHTFUL, MEDITATIVENOVEL ABOUT THE NATURE OF BEING

AND CONSCIOUSNESS IN AFRAGMENTED AGE.

NO, IT'S A [BLEEP] STUPIDBOOK OF SELFIES BECAUSE OF

COURSE IT IS.

SO IN HONOR OF THIS BADTASTE TOME, OUR HASHTAG IS

#DumbDownABook.

#DumbDownABook.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE THE OLDMAN AND THE RED LOBSTER.

BEO-WATCH OR THEHITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO

CENTRAL FLORIDA, ALWAYSBRING IT TOWEL.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK STARTING NOW.

YES, HODGMAN.

>> CRIME AND PUNISHMENT: SVU.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GRACE.

>> TUESDAYS WITH MAURY POVITCH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PAUL F.

>> THE LION, THE WITCH ANDGUY FIERI'S WARDROBE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GRACIE.

>> THE DUH VINCI CODE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PAUL F.

>> WHY IS THATCAGED BIRDSINGING?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HODGMAN.

>> VLADIMIR NABOKOV'S BARELYLEGAL.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PAUL F.

IT WASN'T EVEN LEGAL.

>> WASN'T EVEN LEGAL.

>> CHRIS: PAUL F.>> CERTAIN STATES.

>> THEY WERE ON A ROAD TRIP. GOON, I APOLOGIZE.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

THE SON ALSO RISES?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GRACE.

>> Y'ALL-SSES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. PERFECT.

PAUL F.

>> ENTOURAGE: BASED ON THEMOTION PICTURE ENTOURAGE

(APPLAUSE)

IT IS NOW TIME TO PLAY DADDYLIKE, DADDY LIKE.

DAD: TO SOME, HE'S THE GUY WHOTAUGHT YOU HOW TO SHAVE.

TO OTHERS, HE'S THE GUY WHONEVER RETURNED FROM BUYING

A PACK OF CIGARETTES EIGHT YEARSAGO.

LITTLE TOO CLOSE TO HOME FORSOME PEOPLE HERE.

THE INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT FASHIONEDDADS UNDERSCORE COLLECTS

EXQUISITE PHOTOS OF PROUD POPPASIN ALL THEIR PATERNAL GLORY.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU SOME HIP DADSFROM THE FASHION DADS INSTAGRAM

AND FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT TOYOU TELL ME WHAT THEY WERE

SAYING AS THE PICTURE WAS BEINGTAKEN.

FIRST UP, THIS CUDDLEYCARETAKER.

LET'S SEE WHAT IS HE SAYING.

GRACE

>> WE BOTH LIKE TO [BLEEP] INTHE YARD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HODGMAN.

>> EYES FOR NIPPLES, SON. EYESFOR NIPPLES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THE DOG IS SO EMBARRASSED BYTHIS.

>> BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE ASHIRT OF THE GUY.

>> HE THINKS, HE THINKS -->> CHRIS: THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.

>> THAT DOG THINKS HE'SSKINNED A GIANT DOG'S FACE TO

MAKE THIS.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, THISHANDSOME HANDYMAN.

YES, PAUL F.

>> WHAT'S SAY WE TALK ABOUTCHEM TRAILS OVER A GLASS OF

HOMEMADE CANTELOPE WINE?

>> CHRIS: POINTS, POINTS.

>> CHEMTRAILS. RESPECT,RESPECT, PAUL.

>> CHRIS: GRACE.

>> WELL, YOU WEREN'T GOINGTO MURDER YOURSELF, WERE YOU?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THIS PUFF DADDY.

HODGMAN.

>> [BLEEP] WALLPAPER, RIGHT?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> [BLEEP] CRAZY.

>> CHRIS: I THINK HE'S GOT TOFIND OUT WHERE MORTY McFLY GOT

THAT GREAT SPORTS ALMANAC.

(APPLAUSE)

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXTGAME, SADVERTISING.

YOU GODDAMN KIDS DON'TKNOW HOW GOOD YOU GOT IT

TODAY, WITH YOUR INTERNETADS YOU CAN SKIP AFTER

FIVE SECONDS! THERE WAS ONCEA TIME WE HAD TO SIT THROUGH

AN UNGODLY BARRAGE OF AGGRESSIVETV COMMERCIALS TRYING TO SELL

YOU ALL KINDS OF [BLEEP] YOUDIDN'T NEED.

FORTUNATELY, THEY'VE BEENPRESERVED FOR POSTERITY THROUGH

SITES LIKE YOUTUBE AND REDDIT.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING DESCRIBETWO WEIRD TV COMMERCIALS.

FOR 250, YOU HAVE TO TELL MEWHICH ONE IS REAL.

FIRST UP A LOCAL MALL WITHTHE WORST SONG EVER OR A

LOCAL CAR WASH OWN WE ARETHE WORST HAIR PIECE EVER,

GRACE.

>> I'M GOING LOCAL CAR WASHOWN WE ARE THE WORST HAIR

PIECE EVER.

>> CHRIS: LET'S SEE.

(BAD SINGING)

(BAD SINGING)

>> WOW.

>> CHRIS: WHAT ARE YOU CLAPPINGFOR?

>> WHY ISN'T THERE NEWSABOUT THIS ONE TOWN IN

AMERICA WHERE NO ONE CANSING?

>> CHRIS: I DON'T KNOW.

NEXT ONE A FLIGHTATTENDANT GETTING SEXUALLY

HARASSED BY A MAN IN A BOLLOTIE OR A MISOGYNISTIC HUSBAND

BERATING HIS WIFE FOR BADCOFFEE.

PAUL.

>> I KNOW IT IS THE COFFEEONE.

THERE ARE SO MANY OF THESE.

THEY ARE GLORIOUS.

IT IS A MIRACLE WE'RE STILLA COUNTRY.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> YOU'RE KIDDING.

>> I'M SERIOUS, HONEY, YOURCOFFEE IS UNDRINKABLE.

>> PRETTY HARSH.

>> WELL, SO IS YOUR COFFEE.

THE GIRLS AT THE OFFICE MAKEBETTER COFFEE ON THEIR HOT

PLATE.

WELL. SEE YA LATER.

>> CHRIS: OH, YOU KNOW-- THAT ISTHE WORST MENTAL ABUSE, HE

DIRECTLY INSULTS HER ANDGETS ALL PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE

AT THE END.

>> IT'S LIKE HE SORT OFRECOGNIZED I HURT HER

FEELINGS.

I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITHTHIS.

I GOT TO START DRINKING ATWORK.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME 'ELLOPOPPET. 'ELLO POPPET.

WELL, IT'S OFFICIAL, THEROYAL COUPLE HAS HAD SEX AT

LEAST TWICE.

OVER THE WEEKEND WILL.I.AMAND KATE THE DUCHESS AND

DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE HAD A BABYGIRL AND GAVE HER A NAME SO

AGGRESSIVELY BRITISH IT WILLSHATTER YOUR TEA CUP.

CHARLOTTE ELIZABETH DIANAMOUNTBATTEN-WINDSOR.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO COME UPWITH AS MANY EVEN MORE

BRITISH BABY NAMES AS YOUPOSSIBLY CAN.

IN 60 SECONDS, AND BEGIN.

YES, GRACE.

>> BUTTERSCOTCH BISCUITDICK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HODGMAN.

>> BABY, JAMES BABY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GRACE.

>> MEAT PIE WONKBOTTOM.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HODGMAN.

>> CUMBERBATCH CUMBERBATCHCUMBERBATCH CUMBERBATCH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THAT'S WHAT THE PRICE WAS SAYINGAS THEY WERE CONCEIVING THE

CHILD.

PAUL.

(GARBLED MUMBLES IN A BRITISHACCENT)

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PAUL.

>> JAMES CERCILIS UNDERFRIS.

>> CHRIS: POITS. HODGMAN.

>> HARTON PROTON PERTLY --

BAKER DAVISON --

BAKER McCOY --

>> CHRIS: YES.

>> McGANN ELSON --

>> CHRIS: YES!

>> TENNEN SMITH CAPAULDY.

>> CHRIS: YES!

WELL DONE.