March 5, 2013 - Bad Ventriloquist

  • Season 5, Ep 5
  • 03/05/2013

Daniel refuses to make a "Harlem Shake" video, and a ventriloquist who walked off stage gets a Web Redemption.

[overlapping shouting]

ALL RIGHT, PAUSE IT.

[laughter]

I'LL BE KOBE,AND YOU BE DWIGHT HOWARD.

[audience ohs]

[laughs]

I WISH I CAN COULD DO THAT TOMARIO LOPEZ'S TIGHT LITTLE REAR.

[laughter]

HE'LL PROBABLY GETA SHOE DEAL OUT OF THIS.

KEEP UP THE HIJINKS,AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MOVE

WITH YOUR AUNTIEAND UNCLE IN BEL AIR.

[laughter]

YES, YOU CAN BRINGYOUR BUDDY JAZZ.

I VOLUNTEER AT THAT CAFETERIAONCE A MONTH.

HERE'S YOUR MASHED POTATOES.

OOH,DON'T FORGET YOUR GRAVY.

KEEP IT ON THE HUSH-HUSH,

BUT WE SERVE PONY MEATON THURSDAYS.

BEING A WHITE BOXER ISLIKE BEING A REPUBLICAN.

NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU WORK,

YOU'LL ALWAYS LOSEBECAUSE OF THE MEXICANS.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE BARRAGEIN THE GARAGE.

LET'S GET READYTO BREAKDOWN!

[cheers and applause]

NOT AN OUNCE OF FATON HIS 14-YEAR-OLD BODY.

WHAT WEIGHT CLASS IS HE IN?FEMALE?

HE'D BOX HIS SHADOW, BUTE'STOO SCRAWNY TO CAST ONE.

I'M NO FREDDIE ROACH,BUT I THINK

THERE'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH SLACKON THAT SPEED BAG,

OR HE'S TRAINING

FOR THE MOST IMPORTANTTETHERBALL MATCH OF HIS LIFE.

[laughter]

YOU TELEGRAPHEDTHAT KICK.

TRY NOT TO RIVERDANCEBEFORE YOU STRIKE.

THEY'RE GONNASEE THAT COMING.

THAT'S WHY YOUCOMMIT IT TO TAPE.

SO YOU CAN REVIEW ITAND IRON OUT YOUR FLAWS.

LET THIS SERVE AS A REMINDER TOTHE NEIGHBORHOOD BULLIES.

IF YOU WANT TO TAKESOMEBODY'S LUNCH MONEY...

[whistles]THAT'S YOUR GUY.

[laughter]

EVERY BOXERGETS BRAIN DAMAGE

AT DIFFERENT STAGESIN THEIR CAREER.

[laughter]

WHAT KIND OF KNOTDID YOU TIE THAT WITH?

BOW--THE QUEEN OF KNOTS?

LEAVE THE ROPE.

YOUR DAD'S GONNA NEED IT TOHANG HIMSELF FROM EMBARRASSMENT.

I'D LIKE TO CONGRATULATEPUNCHING BAGS

ON THEIR FIRST VICTORYIN RECORDED HUMAN HISTORY,

AND FOR THAT,WE THANK YOU.

[cheers and applause]- HI, EVERYBODY.

MY NAME'S CANDICE, AND THIS ISMY LITTLE BUDDY CHARLIE.

- I AIN'T YOUR FRIEND.- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OF COURSE I'M YOUR FRIEND.- NO, YOU'RE NOT.

I'M HERE AGAINST MY WILL!

- YOU KNOW, CHARLIE,

YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY THE BESTTEAMMATE IN THE WORLD EITHER.

- HEY, YOU SHOULD TALK.

YOU PUT YOUR HAND UP MY--- OKAY.

UM...

OKAY.

- COME ON, CANDICE!- COME ON, CANDICE!

- COME ON!

- TELL NICOLE TO SHUT UP.- NO.

[cheering]

UM, I'M JUST GONNA...

- COME ON, GIRL.

- MAYBE SHE'S SAVINGHER BEST STUFF FOR THE ENCORE.

I'M GLADSHE WASN'T AS SUCCESSFUL

AT SCRUBBING THISFROM THE INTERNET

AS ROB DELANEY WASWITH HIS LATE-NIGHT SET.

THAT'S CANDICE,AND HER STAGE FIGHT KICKED IN

BEFORE SHE COULDENTERTAIN HER CLASSMATES

AT THE SCHOOL TALENT SHOW.

THE ONLY WAY HER LIFECOULD HAVE GOTTEN WORSE

IS IF SHE WERE GOOD ENOUGH

TO BECOME A PROFESSIONALVENTRILOQUIST.

VENTRILOQUISM IS LIKE MAGIC.FUCKING AWFUL.

IT'S A CAREER FOR PEOPLEWHO KNOW THEY'RE NOT FUNNY

BUT WON'T LET THAT STOP THEMFROM GETTING ONSTAGE.

BEING SCARED OFA VENTRILOQUIST'S DUMMY

IS CALLED AUTOMATONOPHOBIA.

BEING CREEPED OUT BYVENTRILOQUISTS IS CALLED NORMAL.

SEEING THEIR MOUTH MOVEIS NOT NEARLY AS DISTRACTING

AS WATCHING THEIR NECKHAVE A SEIZURE

EVERY TIME THEIR DOLLMUMBLES A RACIAL SLUR.

HOW COME JEFF DUNHAM CAN BETHE BEST IN THE WORLD

AND NOT KNOWTO WEAR A TURTLENECK?

SHOOMP!

CAREERBUILDER.COM HAS"PUPPETEER" RANKED NUMBER THREE

IN THEIR LIST OF"TOP JOBS FOR PEDOPHILES."

AND PLEASE STOP CALLINGJIM HENSON A GENIUS.

HE WAS A BURNED-OUT STONER

WHO GLUED PING-PONG BALLSTO AN OVEN MITT.

THE MUPPETS ARE SATANIC.

ACCORDING TOTHE BOOK OF REVELATION,

WHEN PIGS LAY WITH FROGS,IT'S A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE.

BUT IF CANDICE WANTS TO HAVEA RELATIONSHIP WITH HER HAND,

I'D LIKE TO WATCH.

THAT'S WHY I STUFFED HER IN MYCARRY-ON AND FLEW HER TO L.A.,

WHERE EVERYONE'SA LIFELESS PUPPET,

FOR THIS WEEK'SWEB REDEMPTION.

[applause]

- GEPPETTO.0?IT'S ME, CANDICE.

- [as old man]CANDICE,

YOU'VE COME TO SEEAN OLD PUPPET MAKER.

LET ME GET A GOOD LOOKAT YOU.

OH!

WHOA!

YOUR TITTIES ARE SO BIG.

OH!

SIT DOWN.

WAIT TILL YOU SEEMY LATEST CREATION.

I CALL HIM LITTLE DANNY.LITTLE DANNY.

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT GROWSWHEN HE TELLS A LIE.

- I COULD NEVER GUESS.

- HIS PENIS.IT'S HIS PENIS.

- YOU'RE THE FUNNIEST,DANIEL.

- I THINK YOU'RE LYING TO ME,DANNY.

OH, I HOPE HE TURNSINTO A REAL BOY SOON.

I'M GETTING SO MANY SPLINTERSAROUND MY B-HOLE.

ARE YOU STILLA VENTRILOQUIST?

- YES, BUT I'M NOTVERY GOOD ANYMORE.

- WERE YOU GOOD THEN?- HALF DECENT.

BUT AT THE LAST SECOND,

THEY TOLD ME THAT MY SCRIPTWAS TOO RAUNCHY

AND I HAD CHANGE IT OVER TOSOMETHING SCHOOL APPROPRIATE.

FOR, LIKE, A COUPLE HOURSBEFORE THE SHOW,

I'M SITTING THERE, TRYING TOWRITE DOWN CLEANS JOKES.

- [normal voice]A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK

WRITING CLEAN JOKESIS A LOT HARDER,

BUT THE TRUTH IS, UH, CLEANJOKES ARE JUST FUCKING STUPID.

WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR PUPPET?- CHARLIE.

- WHEN'S THE LAST TIMEYOU BROUGHT CHARLIE OUT?

- LAST WEEK.

- DO YOU REMEMBER ANY OFTHE JOKES THAT YOU WROTE

THAT YOU WEREN'T ALLOWEDTO SAY?

- YES, WHEN I WAS GOINGTO CLEAN HIS BOX,

AND THAT IT HAD MORE COBWEBSTHAN BETTY WHITE'S BOX.

- WHOA, IS THAT WHATGOT YOU IN TROUBLE

IN THE FIRST PLACE,WITH YOUR SCRIPT?

- YES. DEFINITELY NOTSCHOOL APPROPRIATE.

- NO. WELL, I MEAN,SOME SCHOOLS. UH, PUBLIC.

WHAT ARE SOME OFTHE OTHER VOICES YOU DO?

- I CAN DOAN ITALIAN ACCENT.

- [Italian accent]YOU CAN DO AN ITALIAN ACCENT?

OH, LET'S HEAR IT.

- [Italian accent]I CAN SOUND NOT LIKE AN OLD MAN,

BUT MAYBE LIKE A GUYIN A, UH, CARTOON.

- [normal voice]MEXICAN?

- HEY, MAN, NACHOAND BURRITO FOR LUNCH!

ARRIBA!

- UH, THERE'S PROBABLY 13 PEOPLEON THIS CREW RIGHT NOW

THAT JUST GOT HUNGRY.

- MAYBE PISSED OFF AT ME.

- NOTHEY--THEY CAN'TGET PISSED OFF.

THEY'RE HERE ILLEGALLYIN THE FIRST PLACE.

TALK ABOUT THE COMMENTSPEOPLE POSTED ON THE VIDEO.

- MOST WERE PRETTY--PRETTY NICE.

THERE WERE A FEW THAT WEREEXTREMELY, STRONGLY NASTY, BUT--

- SORRY ABOUT THOSE.I WAS BORED.

- [laughs]

- [as old man]ARE YOU IN SCHOOL NOW?

- UM, IN COLLEGE.

- [normal voice]DO PEOPLE RECOGNIZE YOU

FROM THAT VIDEO STILL?

- UM, NO, THANK HEAVEN.

- I'VE NOTICED TWO BIG CHANGESABOUT YOU.

HAVE YOUR BREASTSGOTTEN LARGER?

- UH, YES.

- [laughs like old man]

WAS THAT THE LAST TIMEYOU EVER PERFORMED?

- YES, AND THE FIRST.

- THAT WAS THE FIRSTAND THE LAST?

- YES.

- YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW,I GOT YOU A SET

PERFORMING AT THE ONLY VENUEFOR UNCENSORED VENTRILOQUISM--

HB.0 DEF VENTRILOQUIST JAM.

- BUT ISN'T THAT ONLY FORTHE BLACK VENTRILOQUISTS?

- AND WHITE PERFORMERSTHAT LIKE TO ACT BLACK.

YOU KNOW,LIKE RALPHIE MAY,

JAMIE KENNEDY,GARY OWEN,

JIM GAFFIGAN.

[cheers and applause]

- YEAH!

[cheers and applause]

- HEY, GUYS, WE'RE NOT GONNABE ABLE TO HEAR THE SHOW.

- WELCOME TO DEF VENTRILOQUIST JAM.

I'M YOUR HOST JAMAR DUNHAM.

[cheers and applause]

- HE'S GOT A LOT OF ENERGY.

- NOW, I KNOW WHO Y'ALLCAME TO SEE.

- YEAH.MY FRIEND CANDICE.

- LITTLE TYLER PERRY.

[cheers and applause]

- DAMN, BOY, WE'VE GOT A LOT OFNIGGAS IN HERE TONIGHT.

SHIT, BOY,THIS SHIT LOOK LIKE--

- I AM NOT GAY.- NO ONE SAID YOU WERE GAY.

- THEY WERE THINKING IT.I CAN TELL.

I'M LITTLE TYLER PERRY.

[laughter]

KNOCK KNOCK.- WHO'S THERE?

- MY UNCLE.- MY UNCLE WHO?

- MY UNCLE WHO MOLESTED ME.I'M LITTLE TYLER PERRY.

- WHOA, THAT ISEXTREMELY PERSONAL.

THAT IS SOMETHINGHE SHARED WITH OPRAH.

WHY WOULD HE JOKEABOUT THAT?

- PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME IFI'M RELATED TO KATY PERRY,

BUT WE'RE REALLY DIFFERENT.

- WHY?

BECAUSE SHE'S WHITEAND, UH, YOU'RE BLACK?

- NO. BECAUSE...♪ SHE KISSED A GIRL

[silence]

[mild laughter]

I'M LITTLE TYLER PERRY.

[laughter]

- HE STALLED ON THAT ONE.

- Y'ALL READY TO SEEYOUR NEXT VENTRILOQUIST?

RAISE YOUR MOTHERFUCKINGPUPPET HAND IN THE AIR

AND MAKE IT SAY, "YEAH!"

- YEAH!- YEAH!

- THIS IS ONLYHER SECOND PERFORMANCE.

GIVE IT UPFOR SOME WHITE CHICK.

- DEEJAY,PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC.

[hip-hop music]

- ALL RIGHT, YOU!

WE'RE NOT DOING ITFOR THIS ONE? OKAY.

- HI, EVERYBODY.

MY NAME'S CANDICE AND THISIS MY BOYFRIEND DEWANYE.

- I'LL KICK THAT LITTLETYLER PERRY'S ASS.

Y'ALL ABOUT TO SEE SOMETINY MANDINGO FIGHTING

UP IN THIS BITCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE MOSTABOUT YOU?

- MY EYES? MY SENSE OF HUMOR?MY HEART?

- NO.YOUR CREDIT, BITCH.

- [laughs]

SHE'S PROBABLY GOTBETTER CREDIT.

- FOR FIVE BUCKS,

I'LL LET YOU SMELLHER FINGERS AFTER THE SHOW.

[laughter]

- SOMETIMES I WONDER WHICH ONEOF US IS THE REAL DUMMY.

- YOU, FOR THINKING I'M STILLGONNA BE WITH YOU

AFTER YOU HAVE MY BABY,

YOU FUGLYANNE-HATHAWAY-LOOKIN' CRACKER.

- THAT PUPPET IS CRAY.

- HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?

- WHITE GIRL,ASKING ME ABOUT MY WEEKEND.

BITCH, I'M BLACK.EVERY DAY IS A WEEKEND.

NOW, SHUT THE FUCK UPAND GO GET ME SOME PIEPIE.

[laughter]

- THIS BITCH IS GONNAGET ME SHOT.

- JUST SO Y'ALL KNOW,

THIS BITCH SAYS THE "N" WORDWHEN SHE'S ALONE.

- I DO NOT.

- THIS IS NOT THE CANDICETHAT I KNOW.

- HOW OLD ARE YOU, DEWANYE?

- TAKE MY PANTS OFF

AND COUNT THE RINGS AROUNDMY BIG WOODEN DICK.

- I DON'T THINK THAT DUMMY

SHOULD TALK TO ANYONELIKE THAT.

- LOOK AT THISWHITE MOTHERFUCKER.

WHO'S YOUR MAMA AND DADDY?

A GLASS OF WHOLE MILK

AND A SLICE OF WONDER BREAD?

THIS LONELY MOTHERFUCKERIS LOST.

THIS IS DEF VENTRILOQUIST JAM,

NOT AN EPISODE OF HOMELAND.

GET OUT OF HERE,YOU WHITE PIECE OF SHIT.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

[mic sound reverberates]

[hip-hop music]

[applause]

- 3, 2, 1...

- OH! OH!

[cheering and laughter]

- I GUESS YOU CAN DO WHATEVERYOU WANT AT AUGUSTA,

SINCE THEY LET CONDI IN.

WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIMERICH WHITE GUYS CAUGHT A BREAK.

THESE PRICKSALL HAVE TRUST FUNDS,

BUT THE HERO WHO TOOK OUTBIN LADEN IS PENNILESS?

GOOD WORK, AMERICA.

THEY MUST HAVETAKEN ADVANTAGE

OF THE NINE-FOR-ONE POLO SHIRTSALE AT JOS. A. BANK.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTANDIS WHY THAT VIDEO

HAS GOTTEN SO POPULAR.

ANY IDIOT CAN BALL GOLF.

THAT'S WHY I FELTIT WAS NECESSARY

TO PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACEWITH MY SIGNATURE SEGMENT,

I'M BETTER THAN YOU,NA-NA NA-NA BOO-BOO,

STICK YOUR HEADIN DOO-DOO.

NA-NA NA-NA BOO-BOO,STICK YOUR HEAD IN DOO-DOO.

FOR THE RECORD, WE HADONE MORE PERSON THAN THEY DID,

AND THE REASON I WASN'TSTANDING NEXT TO THEM

IS BECAUSE I WASTHE ONLY LEFTY,

AND I KEPT FROLFING THEMRIGHT IN THE FACE.