Tuesday, September 9, 2014

  • 09/09/2014

Jack Black, Kyle Gass and Margaret Cho find out about Apple's live-stream announcement, list #NewStateMottos and sing about lackluster heavy metal bands.

IT'S 11:59 AND 59 SECONDS.

THIS HAPPENED ON APPLE.COMTODAY.

THAT WHITE E-SMOKE RISING OUT OFTHE CUPERTINO HEADQUARTERS CAN

MEAN ONLY ONE THING, THE NEWIPHONE IS HERE!

THE NEW IPHONE IS HERE!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]THERE IT IS.

WITH IMAGES OF A BUDDING FLOWEROR SPACE BUTTHOLE I'M NOT SURE.

BUT AT THIS THIS MORNING'SSTREAMING EVENT APPEL PONTIF TIM

COOK UNVEILED THE IPHONE6

IT'S BIGGER, FASTER, ROUNDER,EDGIER.

WHICH COULD DESCRIBE THE BONERSOF THE TECH GUYS IN ATTENDANCE.

THEN, TO DEMONSTRATE THE MOREPOWERFUL GRAPHICS OF THE IPHONE6

WE GOT THIS WHIMSICAL GAMEDEVELOPER WHO DECIDED, YEP.

TODAY'S THE DAY, GUYS. I'M GOINGTO LIVE-STREAM IN FRONT OF

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE THE DAY IROCK THE PURPLE MAN SHAWL!

I [BLEEP] GWEN STEFANI.

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS THISWHIMSICAL ELF-MAN LOOKING AT ON

HIS MAGICAL IPHONE. JACK BLACK,GO!

>> LOOKING UP THE FIRST FLIGHTBACK TO BELGIUM.

CHRIS: YES. HE IS PROBABLY. KYLEGASS.

>> VEGAN CHILI RECIPE.

CHRIS: YEAH, I THINK SO.MARGARET CHO.

GRINDR.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> CHRIS: SO APPLE'S HUGEWORLDWIDE LIVE EVENT HIT A MINOR

SNAG WHEN THE SITE WAS OVERWHELMED WITHER FERVENT

MAC-HEADS. MUCH OF THE MORNINGWAS NOT ANYONE ANNOUNCING

ANYTHING. IT JUST LOOKED LIKETHIS.

WHICH THE INTERNET GOT REAL MADAT.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: WHICH YOU CAN IMAGINE.

BUT DENNY'S BY THE WAY SAIDTHIS WAS A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY

FOR THEM TO WIN THE INTERNETWITH THIS GRAND SLAM OF A TWEET

THEY POSTED THAT.

YOU GOT YOUR BACON PLATE ANDTONE AT 9:00 A.M.

THEY TOTALLY MISSED THEOPPORTUNITY TO CALL THAT MOONS

OVER IHAMMY.

WAY TO DROP THE BALL, DENNY'S.

I ALREADY TOLD YOU ABOUT THEPHONE, BUT THERE IS ONE MORE

THING, SOEMTHING THE WORLD HASNEVER EVER, EVER SEEN BEFORE IN

THE ANNOUNCEMENTS TODAY. I'M OFCOURSE TALKING ABOUT THE

DEVICE THAT TELLS TIME.

SHUT UP, GUYS, THEY WEAR TONTHEIR WRIST.

WHAT!

THIS HAS BEEN RUMORED FOR A LONGTIME.

THEY ACTUALLY FINALLY CAME OUTWITH IT TODAY.

DEMONSTRATED BY SOFTWARE VPKEVIN LYNCH.

OR AS HE'S KNOWN AROUND THEOFFICE LIL GATES.

THE APPLE WATCH CAN MONITOR YOURHEART RATE AND TRACK LOCATION,

BUT IT CAN'T DO VIDEO CHAT.

SO, T'S TECHNICALLY NOT ASADVANCED AS DICK TRACY'S WATCH.

OH, LOOK, I GOT A DICK TRACYPIC.

COMEDIANS WE HAVE THE IPHONE,GETTING THE APPLE WATCH.

WHAT IS YOUR NEXT PREDICTION FORTHE NEXT INNOVATION, JACK BLACK.

>> A CURE FOR TESTICULAR CANCER.

CHRIS: THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.

>> KIND OF A SERIOUS ONE.

IT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL.

WHAT'S SO FUNNY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS FOR THAT ONE.

MARGARET CHO?

>> I SAY IDILDO.

CHRIS: YES.

>> WITH AN A NAL USB PORT SO ICAN RECHARGE BY [BEEP]

>> CHRIS: NICE.

POINTS.

IS THAT A UNIVERSAL DOCK?

UPROXX.VOM TODAY TURNED US ON TOTHIS AMAZING PHOTO FROM THE

OVAL OFFICE COURTESY OF THEWHITE HOUSES' OFFICIAL FLICKER

PAGE. THAT OF COURSE IS DANISHEMBASSADOR GLERK JERGENSEN.

ATTEMPTING TO --[LAUGHING]

>> USUALLY THE GLERK COMES AFTERTHE JERGENSEN.

> CHRIS: NOW HE'S JUST A GUY WHOWAS A SECRET SERVICE AGENT

AN HIS SON IS EXCRUTIATINGLYBORED AND PROTESTING.

THE LENGTH OF THIS MEETING INTHE OVAL OFFICE, AND NOW HE

JUST IS SMELLING GENERAL BUTTS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT COUCHSMELL LIKE, BUT COMEDIANS,

PLEASE CAPTION THIS PHOTO, JACKBLACK.

>> LOOK I FOUND WEAPONS OF ASSDESTRUCTION.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> YA!

CHRIS: KYLE.

>> MOM. DAD, MR. PRESIDENT, LOOKAT MY GEORGE BUSH IMPRESSION.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS.

MARGARET.

>> WATCH OUT YOUNG MAN, THEFLOORS ARE STILL STICKY FROM THE

CLINTON ADMINISTRATION.

>> CHRIS: NICE.

POINTS, POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

CHRIS: ON THIS DAY IN 1950,CALIFORNIA BECAME THE 31ST STATE

WHICH IS WEIRD NOTHING HERESEEMS OLDER THAN 1940.

BUT IN BEAUTIFUL CALIFORNIA,OUR MOTTO IS "EUREKA: I'VE FOUND

IT" BECAUSE IT WAS FOUNDED BY AGUY WHO HAS ALSO MISPLACING HIS

KEYS.

WE THOUGHT WE WOULD COME UP WITHMORE RELEVANT MOTTOS FOR EACH

OF OUR 50 STATES. SO OUR HASHTAGIS #NEWSTATEMOTTOS.

EXAMPLES WOULD BE, ALASKA, MECCAFOR DEADBEATS DADS.

MONTANA: WRITE YOUR MANIFESTOHERE! ARIZONA THE FLORIDA OF THE

WEST.

I'M GONNA PUT -- IT'S A DRIERANGRIER FLORIDA --

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK STARTING NOW AND GO!

YES, JACK.

>> IDAHO THE HOME OFFICE OF THEKLAN.

NO SERIOUS IT'S THE HOME OFFICEOF THE KLAN.

>> CHRIS: I MEAN, THAT'S JUSTA-- POINTS.

KYLE.

>> MISSISSIPPI.

#WE'RE NOT JUST THE FATTEST,WE'RE ALSO THE STUPIDEST.

CHRIS: WELL, ALL RIGHT POINTS.MARGARET.

>> MISSOURI, SHOW ME THEPOLICE BRUTALITY STATE.

CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS. WELLDONE, WELL DONE. SOCIALLY

RELAVANT. GOOD. JACK.

>> NEW MEXICO ALIENS, YES, AH--THE ILLEGAL ALIENS NO.

CHRIS: POINTS.

YEAH, YEAH, POINTS. KYLE.

>> TEXAS EVERYTHING IS BIGGER.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAYS.

>> CHRIS: YA, POINTS.

MARGARET.

>> WISCONSIN CAN I WEAR YOURSKIN.

>> CHRIS: YA, POINTS.

POINTS.

JACK.

>> FLORIDA MIGHT AS WELL BE APRISON COLONY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NICE.

MARGARET.

>> IOWA, WHO CARES.

CHRIS: OKAY.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY I'M NOT WITHTHE BAND-HEAVY: METAL EDITION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: LIVE FAST, DIE YOUNG,LEAVE A GOOD LOOKING CORPSE

USED TO BE ROCK-N-ROLL'S MOTTO.

NOW IT'S LIVE FAST AND LEAVE AEMBARRASSING BAND PHOTO

FOREVER ON THE INTERNET.

WE FOUND THESE PHOTOS ONDEATHSCREAM.NET'S 50 WORST

HEAVY METAL BANDS OF ALL TIMES.

I WILL ALREADY TELL YOU THESEARE AMAZING.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A BAND ANDFOR 250 POINTS I WANT YOU TO

SING ME A LYRIC FROM THAT BAND.

FIRST ONE: SAD IRON. SAD IRON.-- MARGARET.

>> WE GOT THE SAME HARASS THECAST OF DESIGNING WOMEN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]YES, JACK.

>> WE ARE GONNA TAKE IT -- CUASEWE'RE LAME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CHRIS: POINTS.

[SINGS] POINTS!

KYLE.

>> WE ARE SAD IRON AND THE SADIRONY IS --

THAT WE'RE REASONABLY WELLADJUSTED.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT ONE, TITAN FORCE.

TITAN FORCE.

[LAUGHING]>> HEY GUYS MAKE SURE AND CHEAT

YOUR DICKS OUT TO CAMERA.

KYLE.

>> WE'RE GONNA ROCK AND WEDON'T CARE.

WE'LL SEE YOU ALL MONTH AT THECOUNTY FAIR.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

SINGING 'BOUT CORN AND WHEAT.

MARGARET. MARGARET.

YES.

>> WE'RE HEAVY METAL THAT'S ALLWE'RE ABOUT. WE DON'T WATER THE

LAWN BECAUSE WE'RE IN A DROUGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: YES, VER SOCIALLYCONSCIOUS. POINTS.

THE TITAN FORCE OF BEINGENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY.

JACK.

>> WHO OUT THERE LIKES 14MINUTE, PROG ROCK UNLISTENABLE

KEYBOARD SOLOS, I CAN'T HEARYOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: OVER HERE IS A FARMERWITH A SHOTGUN THAT'S LIKE YOU

BETTER GET THE [BEEP] OFF MYPROPERTY.

NEXT ONE LUCIFER'S FRIEND.

LUCIFER'S FRIEND.

[LAUGHING]JESUS CHRIST. THAT IS, THAT IS

LIKE A LIVING BANKSY TRIBUTE. --[BEEP] CRAZY. KYLE.

>> I LOVE LUCY AND HE LOVES ME.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YES, JACK.

>> PEOPLE, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUTMY BEST FRIEND.

HE'S THE SPAWN OF SATAN WHO WILL[BEEP] ME UNTIL I DIE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THE ORIGINAL COURTSHIP OFEDDIE'S FATHER THEME "MISS THEE

[BLEEP] UNTIL I DIE.

MARGARET.

>> I'M A METAL DESTROYERCAUSE I'M HERE WITH VERN TROYER.

>> CHRIS: NICE.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT REPULSA.

REPULSA. YES, JACK.

>> GREAT LORD SATAN IS THEMASTER OF SIN.

I'LL TAKE ANOTHER ORDER OFTHE POTA-TO SKINS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS. KYLE.

>> REPULSA, I JUST MET A GIRLNAMED REPULSA.

[LAUGHING]

>> CHRIS: I'M GIVING YOU POINTSFOR THE COMMITMENT.

LAST ONE.

IT'S REPUSLA, IT'S ON BRAND. --THIS IS EXORCIST.

EXORCIST.

NO, GUYS THE OPPOSITE OF THEKLAN. MARGARET.

>> NO, IT'S KLAN HALEN.

CHRIS: YES, YES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CHRIS: PANAMA FOR WHITES ONLY.

JACK.

>> WE'LL PUT OUR NAMES UP INLIGHTS AND OUR FACES IN THE SKY.

EXCEPT FOR DARYL. HE'S KIND OFSHY.

GIMMICKY COVER BANDS.

GIMMICKY COVER BANDS.

THERE'S TONS OF GIMMICKY COVERBANDS OUT THERE.

THERE'S A MINI KISS, AN ALLLITTLE-PERSON KISS COVER BAND.

THERE IS DREAD ZEPPELIN, A LEDZEPPELIN COVER BAND FRONTED

BY A 300-POUND ELVISIMPERSONATEOR.

COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE ME ASMANY COVER BAND NAMES AND

THEIR GIMMICKS AS YOU CAN IN 60SECONDS.

LET'S BEGIN! YES, MARGARET.

>> ZZ BOTTOM.

CHRIS: YES, POINTS. WE CANFIGURE THAT ONE OUT.

YES, KYLE.

>> THE GRATEFUL DADS.

A JAM BAND THAT'S GLAD TO BE OUTOF THE HOUSE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. JACK.

>> TOM PETTY AND THE FARTBREAKERS.

A TOM PETTY COVER BAND AND THEYFART ALL OF THEIR SONGS

INCLUDING THE HIT ♪ "THE WAITINGIS THE HARDEST FART." ♪

CHRIS: YES. POINTS. EXCELLENT.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CHRIS: MARGARET.

>> TENACIOUS GLEE.

CHRIS: NO, YOU DID NOT.

NO YOU DID NOT.

>> WOULDN'T THAT BE CUTE.

CHRIS: JACK.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH NUNS ANDMOSES.

IT'S MOSES MALONE FROM THEATLANTA HAWKS AND A BUNCH OF

NUNS.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS. POINTS.MARGARET.

>> PU2, A [BEEP] U2 COVER BAND.

>> CHRIS: YES. GOOD, POINTS.JACK.

>> RUN MSG.

A CHINESE FOOD DELIVERY GUY RAPBAND.