Monday, February 1, 2016

  • 02/01/2016

Jonathan Kite, Phoebe Robinson and Alanna Ubach pitch commercial slogans for new Ken dolls, come up with #MOOvies and list the wholesome qualities that they seek in a partner.

And now, good people,let us start the program.

Ripped from today's internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

-There's that graphic.-(applause and cheering)

Here's a list of your toptrending topics

on the World Wide Web.

First thing we're gonnatalk about is vaping.

The SAG Awards happenedthis weekend,

and the Internet went upin vapors

over Leonardo DiCaprio'ssick vape sesh.

-There he is.-(laughter)

What is he doing?!He's in a (bleep) tuxedo!

You can't vape in a tux!

It's like takinga hoverboard to the opera, or...

Our favorite response came from@OhNoSheTwitnt, which read, uh,

-"What's eating Gilbert Vape?"right there. -(laughter)

So, comedians, vape shops areknown for super-clever names

like "Vapes of Wrath,"

and "Does the CarpetMatch the Vapes,"

so, what is another vape shop

named afterthis Hollywood megastar?

Alanna.

-Titanic Asshole.I mean... -(laughter)

-This picture is...What an asshole! -Right.

-What a (bleep) asshole.-(applause)

Maybe shove it up his ass.

-ROBINSON: Yeah, huh?-UBACH: I can't get...

Didn't even try to...

"I got to (bleep) that guy.Just (bleep) that guy."

UBACH:A gigantic asshole.

HARDWICK:All right, points. Uh, Phoebe.

Vaped By a Bear.

-HARDWICK: Yes. Points.-UBACH: Oh!

Yes. Very good.Getting The Revenant in there.

Mr. Kite.

Catch Me if You Cancer.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.Perfect. -ROBINSON: Oh, my God.

-UBACH: God, that's good.-Very well done.

-Very well done.-That is good. -(applause)

All right, onto our next topic.Big cat. Big cat.

Before we lock it away forever

in our bottomless,digital archive

of Internet cat ephemera,let's check out this GIF

of a big jungle cat gettingjiggy with a special admirer.

Does this leopardA: Give her a high five?

B: Knock her off a mini-fridge?

C: Nip herin a surprising place?

-Ooh.-Jonathan Kite.

Nip her in a surprising place.

HARDWICK:Let's find out...

-KITE: Final answer.-...together.

-And... mow! Oh, damn! Oh.-(laughter, cheering, applause)

-HARDWICK: Oh. Oh. Aah!-Oh, my! Like, aah!

HARDWICK:Yeah!

-Oh. -ROBINSON: She likes it.-UBACH: Oh, my God.

-Aah! -ROBINSON:She kind of likes that.

-This look on her... Aah!-ROBINSON: She kind...

-She likes it. She kind of likesit. -HARDWICK: Oh, yeah.

-She's like, "Oh, maybeI'm into this now."

HARDWICK: Oh, damn!On to our next topic.

Urgent breaking news.

In our globally-connected worldof a constantly updating,

24-hour news hour cycles,new media journalists

are redefininghow we consume the news

and relate to global events.

So, is this next thinga video of:

A koala on a ridingon a lawnmower,

or a chicken wearing sweatpants?

Phoebe.

Um, since I was wearingsweatpants yesterday,

I'm gonna go,chicken wearing sweatpants.

-UBACH: And they're missing.-Yeah, they're missing, yeah.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Well, let's find out.

Are these the sweatpantsyou're talking about?

-♪ Dah-dah-dah. -ROBINSON:Yeah! -(applause)

UBACH: Oh, God, I see it.That's awesome.

-HARDWICK: I mean...-Oh, my God.

That was inhumane.

-Oh, my God. Little guy.-Come on!

Look at that (bleep) guy.

Look at that dude.

Oh, my God.

-Chris?-HARDWICK: Yeah.

Can I just say the sweatpantsmake that cock look huge.

And now it's timefor tonight's Hashtag Wars.

(cheers and applause)

Last week in Queens, New York,

a cow escapedfrom a slaughterhouse

and went on the loose,

because he knewwhat was at "steak."

You're welcome.

Uh, the NYPD tried everythingto catch the cow.

They sent out tweets,like here.

They even consulted a medium,which was rare.

-Uh, well done, NYPD! Hey!-UBACH: Hey!

-HARDWICK: I know. Come on!-♪ Please, please, please.

Hey, kids. Come on, kids.

Oh, you kids.No, don't go to bed yet.

Your dad's lonely.

Your dad's lonelysince Mom moved out.

Come on, kids.The cops eventually called

an agriculturalprivate detective,

-a P.I.E.I.O, if you will.-(laughter)

Kids, come on.Your old dad'll get pizza!

-(applause and cheering)-Huh?

Hey!

The script has already beenoptioned by Dairy Bruckheimer

and Steven Spielburgerto turn this into a moo-vie.

I can't stop.I literally can't stop.

So comedians, since cow punsare at full throttle right now,

tonight's hashtag is #MOOvies.

Examples might be Apocalypse Cow,

or Bridget Jones's Dairy

or While You Were Sleeping I Tried to Tip You Over.

I'm putting 60 secondson the clock.

And begin. Phoebe.

Ten Things I Hate About Moo.

-Points.-UBACH: Yeah!

Lactose the Future, starring Michael J. Cow.

Points. Fox, cow,well done. Alanna.

Honey, I Milked the Kids. -Yes, points.

Uh, Jonathan Kite.

Fantastic Four Stomachs.

Points.

-That's too... -Oh, you suckerpunched me with that one.

-That was good.-Alanna.

-My Left Hoof. -Points.

Uh, Jonathan Kite.

-Air Kud Two. -Points.

There ain't nothing in the rulebook that says a cow can't play.

Yeah. Phoebe.

-Field of Creams. -UBACH: Yeah. -Points.

But Fox would change thatto Field of Screams. Uh...

Jonathan.

Tyler Perry Presents Why Did I Marry a Cow

When I Can Get the Milk For Free?

-All right, points.-Dude.

And now it's time to playMartial Sharts.

Martial Sharts.

Of all the classic videos,

there's one that stillhas the same impact that it did

in the days of dial-up,and here it is.

(bleep)

Mmm.

It has really agedlike a fine wine.

Let's not forgetthat YouTube is crammed

with awful martial arts videosfor your cringing pleasure.

I'm gonna show you a karatevideo gone wrong

and for 250 points you're gonnahave to answer a question

about it, all right?First up, there's this video,

filmed at a Canadiankaraoke shack around 1999.

♪ Rock your body right

♪ Oh, my God, we're back again

I mean...

ROBINSON:What the...

Every (bleep) piece of thisis amazing.

Every element of it.

So, I...So you've heard of, like,

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, right?

What is thisfighting style called?

Phoebe.

Rapid pussy drying.

-Aah!-It's not... it's not...

-HARDWICK: I mean...-Done.

-I'm dry.-Yeah.

Oh, I'm dry.

Uh, Jonathan Kite.

Crouching virgin, hidden girdle.

All right, points.Points.

Alanna.

The, uh, only known footageof the Zodiac killer.

-Yes, points, there he is.-ROBINSON: Yeah.

He loves a little...

Backstreet.

All right, next one.

The ingeniously-named"Karate Rap".

♪ I don't mean to brag,I don't mean to boast ♪

♪ But I've trained karatefrom coast to coast ♪

WOMAN:♪ Karate

♪ Train your body

♪ I train for fun

♪ I'm a shogun

What is this guy'ssecret finishing move?

Jonathan.

Finishing off a guyin the bathroom.

-Yeah, that's right, points.-ROBINSON: Oh, yeah.

-It's...-HARDWICK: Yeah?

It's calledthe mortal (bleep) bat.

Yeah, poi... Perfect. Perfect.

Next one...

this pacifist sensei for kids.

♪ We let the bad go by

♪ And find we're free to fly

♪ Just walk away, run away,step away, get away ♪

♪ Any way that lets yoube well on your way ♪

Oh...

oh, he's gonna (bleep) you.

Yeah.

He will.

But before he does,

how do you earn your black beltfrom this guy? Phoebe.

If you promise not to callchild protective services.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.-Points. Points. Points.

Jonathan Kite.

Aiding this warriorin his greatest battle:

-the custody battle.-HARDWICK: Yeah.

Hey, those are my kids too.

All right, points.

Finally, behold the the kung fu

and drumming skillsof Dragon Todd.

(grunting)

That poor cat.

What's the name of dragon--

not meaning pussy,in this case--

Uh...

What is the name of DragonTodd's dojo?

Phoebe.

Tae Kwon Don't Leave Me,Helen, Please!

-UBACH: Yeah! -Yeah, points.-I can change!

-UBACH: Oh, that's awesome.-I'm sick of your (bleep), Todd.

I told you if you didyour martial arts

and scared the cat againI was (bleep) off,

so I'm leaving, Todd.

Before the break,

I showed you one Twitter user'svision for a dad bod Ken doll,

and I asked you to give mea line from the commercial.

Let's see what you came up with.Phoebe, let's start with you.

Dad Bod Ken!

Mix and match withyour Second Family collection.

All right.

Alanna.

Dad Bod Ken, Viagraand ambulance not included.

All right.

Jonathan Kite.

Dad Bod Ken.He pulls his own string,

because Barbie hasn't in years.

-Yeah!-All right.

It's time for the FleekShall Inherit the Earth.

The Fleek Shall Inheritthe Earth.

Almost every day a fan comes upand asks me,

"Hey, Chris, I'm a single lady.

"How can I snag a good Christianguy who loves to (bleep)

for the Lord?"

To which I always say,

"I don't know.How did you get in here?"

But luckily the YouTube channelGirl Defined talked

to some wholesome, Christiandudes about what they like

and what they don't likeabout women.

And it is fantastic.

I find a girl unattractive

when she tries to draw attentionto herself.

I find it unattractive

when a girl is really loudand boisterous.

It's really unattractivewhen a girl dresses immodestly.

I'm looking for a girlwho has a passionate love

for being a wifeand for being a mother.

Oh... Ooh.

These guys are great.

See? If you can just shut upand cover up...

"I like a girl who just hasa passionate passion

for shutting the (bleep) up."

Yeah, listen, you know,

you want one ofthese thick-dicked hunks, great,

good for you.

I think we have just scratchedthe surface.

So, comedians, as thesesuper old-fashioned youths,

please tell me something elseyou're looking for in a woman

in 60 seconds.And begin. Phoebe.

I'm looking for a womanwho smells like Mommy.

-Yes, points.-Yeah.

-That's... That is the subtextof all of that (bleep)! -Right?

-Right? -That is the subtextof all of it.

Alanna.

Looking for my Judas,'cause I want to get (bleep).

Points.

Jonathan Kite.

I'm looking for a womanwho's into the second (bleep).

Yes, points.

-Very well done.-Good night, everyone.

Very well done.

Phoebe.

I'm looking for a woman whodoesn't ask annoying questions

like, what does the outsidelook like?

Yes, points. Alanna.

I'm looking for a girlwhose coochie

tastes like communion wafers.

(cheering and applause)

Yeah! Yeah!

All right, I'll give you points.

Phoebe.

Uh, I'm looking for a woman

that won't tell our pastor I'm afinger-in-the-booty-ass bitch!

-All right, points. Points.-Wow. Dude.

Oh, he knows. He knows.

Jonathan.

I'm looking for a woman who'sgonna get nailed to my wood.

-Yes, points. Oh, Jesus.-Oh, (bleep).

Phoebe.

I want a girl who believesevolution is a myth

-just like the female orgasm!-(buzzer sounds)

-What?-Points. Points. -Yeah.

So, later this month,we will be marking leap day

with a late night showdown.

Jordan Klepperfrom The Daily Show

and Mike Yardfrom The Nightly Show

will compete against @midnight all star Ron Funches

for the titleof late night champion.

An event like this only happensonce every four years, probably,

so for a chance to join us instudio, courtesy of Honda civic,

tweet @midnight and let us knowhow you celebrate leap day

with something that you doonly every four years

and be sure to tag it with#MidnightSweepstakes.

#MidnightSweepstakes.