Extended - Thursday, December 3, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 12/03/2015

Emily Heller, Matt Goldich and Marc Maron find out how Donald Trump will sway baby voters, sing #DrunkCarols and discipline tiny hipsters in this uncensored, extended episode.

NOW IT'S TIME TO QUESTION THESANITY OF OUR NATION, SPEAKING

OF POLITICS.

IT'S PANDERDOME!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)YESTERDAY, THE INTERNET WAS

ABUZZ WITH RUMORS.

IN THE UPCOMING MOVIE "THEREVENANT," LEONARDO DICAPRIO'S

CHARACTER WAS RAPED BY A BEAR.

UH...

VULTURE KILLED THAT WITH THEHEADLINE, "NO, LEONARDO

DICAPRIO IS NOT RAPED BY ABEAR."

UH, IT'S NOT TRUE, GUYS.

IT WAS COMPLETELY CONSENSUAL.

UM...

(LAUGHTER)>> YEAH!

>> HARDWICK: THEY MADE LOVE.

INSERT BAREBACK JOKE. UH...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)THE SAFE WORD WAS "TROUT."

(LAUGHTER)SO, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO

WITH POLITICS?

WELL, FOR SOME REASON, JEBBUSH'S COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR

TIM MILLER WEIGHED IN WITH THISTWEET, "ARE THERE ANY RECORDED

EXAMPLES OF A BEAR RAPING AHUMAN IN REAL LIFE?"

ASKING FOR A FRIEND.

(LAUGHTER)WHO IS NOT JEB BUSH.

UH, NO, BUT THERE HAVE BEENPLENTY OF EXAMPLES OF BEARS

STEALING A HUMAN'S PICNICBASKET.

THAT WE KNOW HAS BEEN RAMPANT.

>> YOGI!

>> HARDWICK: BUT IN HISDEFENSE...

(LAUGHTER)IN HIS DEFENSE, THE BUSH CAMP

HAS A VERY STRICT POLICY AGAINSTITS CAMPAIGNERS KNOWING ANYTHING

ABOUT SCIENCE.

WHAT'S A CONFUSED TWEET BUSH'SCOMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR SENT

ABOUT A DIFFERENT MOVIE?

MARC MARON.

>> HOW MANY GUYS IN "300?"(LAUGHTER)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)UH... MATT GOLDICH.

>> UH, IS "BLACK MASS" ABOUTTHAT ONE KIND OF CHURCH WITH ALL

THE SINGING AND DANCING?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, ALL RIGHT,POINTS.

EMILY HELLER.

>> UH, WHAT IF ANT MAN GOTSMALL, BUT HIS PENIS STAYED THE

SAME SIZE?

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: HE COULD RUIN SOMANY ANTS.

>> SOMEONE MAKE THE MOVIE.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

>> SOMEONE MAKE THAT MOVIE.

>> HARDWICK: I FEEL LIKE THAT'SALREADY BEING DONE SOMEWHERE ON

THE INTERNET.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: RULE 34.

UH, MOVING ON.

THE ONLINE STORE FOR SHRIEKINGBUFFALO WING THAT FELL INTO A

URINAL, DONALD TRUMP, IS THEPERFECT SHOPPING DESTINATION FOR

THAT XENOPHOBE ON YOUR SHOPPINGLIST THAT HATES CHANGE BUT LOVES

A BARGAIN.

THE NEWEST ITEM IN TRUMP'S STOREIS PERFECTLY TAILORED TO SOMEONE

ON HIS INTELLECTUAL LEVEL-- THEONESIE BY TRUMP!

THERE IT IS.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)OF COURSE IT'S WHITE.

OF COURSE IT'S WHITE.

(LAUGHTER)IT'S PERFECT FOR THAT

HARD-TO-SHOP RACIST BABY IN YOURLIFE.

PERSONALLY, I THINK TRUMP WOULDBE A HUGE HIT WITH BABY VOTERS.

HIS SPEECHES ARE BASICALLY THEPOLITICAL EQUIVALENT OF JINGLING

KEYS.

UH, SO, WHAT IS A LINE FROMTRUMP SPEECH THAT HE'LL USE TO

LOCK UP THE BABY VOTE?

EMILY HELLER.

>> (IMITATING TRUMP): "A CHICKENIN EVERY POT, AND A HUGE TIT IN

EVERY MOUTH!">> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE & CHEERING)I'M ACTUALLY SURPRISED HE HASN'T

JUST SAID THAT.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: MATT GOLDICH.

>> (IMITATING TRUMP): "WATCH OUTFOR THE MEXICANS.

THEY'LL STEAL YOUR NOSES."

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MARC MARON.

>> (IMITATING TRUMP):"BOOM-BOOM. BIG BOOM-BOOM."

>> HARDWICK: YES.

>> POOP JOKE. POOP...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)THIS WEEK MARKS BARTENDER

APPRECIATION DAY.

YOU KNOW, IT FEELS LIKE IT COMESEARLIER EVERY YEAR.

IT'S THE ONE DAY A YEAR WHERE WEHONOR THE BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN

WHO SERVE US MOZZARELLA STICKSAND LOOK THE OTHER WAY WHEN WE

PUKE NEAR THE BATHROOM.

NOW, UH, MARC'S ON THE WAGON,I'M ON THE WAGON.

WE DEAL WITH STRESSES IN OUR OWNWAY.

I, FOR ONE...

(MARC WHIMPERING)YUP.

(LAUGHTER)>> SORRY. SORRY. I'M SORRY.

>> HARDWICK: I'M GOOD.

I CAN FOCUS. I'M GOOD.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: I CAN FOCUS.

PERSONALLY, I SCOUR EBAY FORRARE "RED SONJA" ACTION FIGURES

WITH REALISTIC CAMEL TOE.

UH...

(LAUGHTER)I'M JUST TIRED OF HAVING TO

PAINT THEM IN, SO, I'M STILL ONTHE LOOKOUT.

BUT A GOOD BARTENDER STILL COMESIN HANDY FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE

AROUND THE HOLIDAYS, SO IN HONOROF THE PERSON WHOSE JAGER BOMBS

DULL THE PAIN OF YOUR UNCLE'SCOMPLAINTS THAT THE LIBERALS ARE

PUTTING ABORTION COUPONS ONSTARBUCKS CUPS, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS "DRUNKCAROLS."

DRUNKCAROLS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE 12 LORDSA-PUKIN' OR GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER

BY A DRUNK REINDEER WHOSE BLOODALCOHOL CONTENT WAS .14.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

EMILY HELLER.

>> I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTACLAUS ON HIS PENIS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MATT.

>> O STOLI NIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

MARC.

>> UH, RUDOLPH THE SHIT-FACEDREINDEER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YEAH, I CAN GUIDE THE SLED.

I'M FINE, I'M FINE TO DRIVE.

EMILY.

>> UH, UP ON THE HOUSETOP, HOWDID I GET HERE?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MATT.

>> BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE,PLEASE LET ME BACK IN THE HOUSE,

I PROMISE I CAN CHANGE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

EMILY.

>> HARK THE HERALD ANGELS TEXTTHEIR EXES AT 2:00 A.M.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

EMILY HELLER.

>> UH, WHAT CHILD IS THIS-- AREYOU MY UBER?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MATT.

>> RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED UNCLETHAT MOM DOESN'T TALK TO

ANYMORE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MARC MARON.

>> (SLURRING): JINGLE BELLS ISBULLSHIT, FUCKIN' CHRISTMAS.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY ELECTRONMICRODOPES.

NOW...

OUR PLANET IS FULL OF WEIRD ANDSCARY ORGANISMS TOO SMALL FOR

THE NAKED EYE, BUT WITH THE HELPOF POWERFUL MICROSCOPES AND

SCIENCE, YOU'LL DISCOVER THATTHEY ARE NOT FRIGHTENING AT ALL.

CLOSE UP, A LOT OF THEM ACTUALLYJUST LOOK LIKE DWEEBS.

TAKE THIS BUMBLING MILLIPEDE,FOR EXAMPLE.

HERP-A-DERP, DERP, DERP, DERP.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOUSOME MICROSCOPIC ORGANISMS AND

FOR 250 POINTS I WANT YOU TO CUTLOOSE AND I WANT YOU TO MAKE FUN

OF THESE TINY, MICROSCOPICORGANISMS, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST UP, THIS HOPELESS TADPOLE.

(BELL DINGS)EMILY.

>> UH, HEY, LOSER, IS THAT YOURWHOLE BODY OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY

TO SEE ME?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MARC MARON.

>> STUPID COCK.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

VERY GOOD.

HOW ABOUT THIS PLAIN JANE GRAINWEEVIL, HUH?

(BELL DINGS)MARC.

>> YEAH, I... A LITTLEOFF-TOPIC-- IS THERE A CREAM FOR

THOSE?

'CAUSE I THINK I HAVE A...

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T THINK SO.

I THINK... I THINK THEY'REPERMANENT RESIDENTS.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE, HOW ABOUT THIS PEEVEDPAVEMENT ANT?

MATT.

>> YEAH, I AGREE WITH MOST OFYOUR IDEAS, SENATOR SANDERS, BUT

YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF BEATINGHILLARY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

EMILY.

>> UH, HEY, CONGRATS, YOUR FACEIS WHAT LEWIS BLACK'S DICK LOOKS

LIKE.

'CAUSE HE'S ANGRY.

>> THAT ONE'S ACTUALLY TRUE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

>> I, YOU KNOW...

>> HARDWICK: FINALLY, THIS HEADOF A DERPY ROBBER FLY.

(BELL DINGS)MARC.

>> HEY, SHOULDN'T YOU BE DYINGIN A SCREEN SOMEWHERE?

>> HARDWICK: YES, POI...

OH, THE AUDIENCE IS...

>> COME ON, FUCKIN' CHRIST.

>> HARDWICK: GUYS, DON'T MAKEHIM COME OUT THERE.

DON'T MAKE HIM COME OUT THERE.

(AUDIENCE WHOOPS, CHEERS)>> THAT WAS-THAT WAS BULLSHIT.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S ALL RIGHT,YOU-YOU RAN UP ON 'EM, LIKE, NOW

THEY'RE...

>> YEAH.

>> IT WAS A HONEST... IT WAS ANHONEST INSULT.

>> HARDWICK: IT WAS.

>> IT WAS PRACTICAL, IT MEANTSOMETHING, IT WOULD TRULY HURT

THAT THING'S FEELINGS.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOUPOINTS, THEN, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT.

MARC, I DON'T WANT YOU TO LISTENTO THEM, ALL RIGHT?

THEY DON'T KNOW.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,BIRDS SAY THE DARNDEST SHIT.

BIRDS ARE SECOND ONLY TO SNAKESAS THE PET OF CHOICE FOR

LUNATICS.

LIKE BIRD SHIT ON A NEWSPAPER,YOUTUBE IS POSITIVELY SPLATTERED

WITH PET PARROT VIDEOS, SO I'MGONNA LIST OFF TWO INCREDIBLE

YET HEARTBREAKING PET BIRDTALENTS, AND FOR 250 POINTS I

WANT YOU TO GUESS WHICH ONE ISREAL.

FIRST ONE, DOES THIS BIRD SINGEVERYBODY DANCE NOW OR BOHEMIAN

RHAPSODY?

MARC.

>> EVERYBODY DANCE NOW.

>> HARDWICK: UH, LET'S FIND OUT.

>> ♪ EVERYBODY DANCE NOW >> HARDWICK: SO GOOD, SO GOOD.

(VOCALIZING)OH, UH, CAN YOU GUYS TIME THE

VIDEO-- (VOCALIZES)>> ♪ EVERYBODY DANCE NOW

(VOCALIZING)>> HARDWICK: HE DID...

THAT'S AMAZING.

UH, DOES THIS NEXT PARROT SCREAMINTO A CUP OR SHIT INTO A BREAD

BOWL?

EMILY.

>> SCREAM INTO A CUP.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S SEE.

>> (SCREAMING)>> HARDWICK: EVERY DAY OF MY

FUCKIN' LIFE I FEEL LIKE THAT.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: UH, POINTS.

>> THAT'S THE... THAT'S THETRUEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID.

>> HARDWICK: IT IS, I THINK ITMIGHT BE, I THINK IT MIGHT BE.

>> THAT WAS AN EASY ONE.

I FEEL LIKE, BREAD BOWL, ALITTLE KNIFE, RIGHT?

>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT,YEAH, NO ONE DOES THAT ANYMORE.

NEXT ONE, DOES THIS BIRD DO ANIMPRESSION OF THE TERMINATOR OR

JAMES BOND?

MATT.

>> UH, I'M GONNA SAY...

IT LOOKS VERY DAPPER.

JAMES BOND.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, LET'SSEE.

>> MY NAME IS BOND...

>> OOH.

>> JAMES BOND.

>> HARDWICK: OH, WOW.

RIGHT, GOOD.

OH...

THAT BIRD GETS SO MUCH BIRDPUSSY.

UH, DOES THIS NEXT BIRD SAY"DON'T TOUCH ME" OR "NO MEANS

NO"?

(BELL DINGS)EMILY.

>> UH, I'M JUST SO SAD THINKINGABOUT THE HOME THAT THIS BIRD

LIVES IN EITHER WAY.

LIKE, THERE'S NOT... THERE'S NOTA GOOD WAY FOR THIS BIRD TO HAVE

LEARNED EITHER OF THESE.

>> HARDWICK: EITHER WAY IT'SNOT... THIS IS A BAD

ENVIRONMENT.

>> SO I'M GONNA SAY-- I THINKOPTIMISTICALLY-- "DON'T TOUCH

ME".

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, LET'S...

LET'S HOPE, AS THE LESSER OF TWOEVILS...

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: ...THAT IS THECASE.

>> DON'T TOUCH ME.

>> SORRY.

>> YEAH.

LIKE... "DON'T TOUCH ME" IMPLIES"WHEN I SAY THIS, YOU'RE GONNA

STOP."

>> HARDWICK: RIGHT.

>> BUT "NO MEANS NO" MEANS"WE'VE AL... I'VE ALREADY SAID

NO."

I-I DON'T LIKE THINKING ABOUTIT.

>> HARDWICK: DON'T THINK ABOUTIT.

THE PARROT'S FINE, HE'S OKAY.

>> I THINK "NO MEANS NO" IS WHATLEONARDO DICAPRIO SAYS TO THE

BEAR.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, I THINK SO.

NO, THAT'S NOT... MATT, THAT WASALREADY DEBUNKED BY VULTURE.

>> NO, IT'S TRUE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

DOES THIS PARROT SAY "YOU GOTIT, DUDE" OR "PEEKABOO"?

MARC.

>> YOU GOT IT, DUDE.

COME ON.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S SEE.

>> PEEKABOO.

>> PEEKABOO!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY. I KNOW.

>> ALL THOSE BIRDS CAN SAY THAT.

>> HARDWICK: THEY'RE BORN WITHIT.

THEY'RE BORN WITH IT.

>> THAT ALMOST WOULD'VE BEENAWESOME IF SHE HAD SAID,

"PEEKABOO," AND THEN THE BIRDHAD SAID, "YOU GOT IT, DUDE."

I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE, LIKE,A REALLY FUN TURN, BUT...

>> HARDWICK: THE BIRD REALLYDROPPED THE FUCKING BALL ON

THAT.

THEY CAN EVEN MAKE AN OLSEN TWINBABY SAY THAT.

I MEAN, LIKE, A BIRD...

>> IT'S A DUMB VIDEO.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT ARE YOU, AYOUTUBE COMMENTER?

UH, LAST ONE.

DOES THIS BIRD SAY "BOOTS WITHTHE FUR" OR "FIRST THINGS FIRST

I'M THE REALEST"?

(BELL DINGS)MATT.

>> OH, GOD.

I-I CAN'T STAND IGGY AZALEA.

PLEASE BE "BOOTS WITH THE FUR."

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, LET'SFIND OUT.

>> ♪ BOOTS WITH THE FUR >> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

WELL DONE.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,CALENDERP.

CALENDERP.

OF ALL THE BUSINESSES THATSMARTPHONES HAVE HURT, I AM MOST

SYMPATHETIC TO THE WALL CALENDARBUSINESS, THOUGH, TRUTH BE TOLD,

I AM THRILLED THAT SOMEONE HASFINALLY TAKEN DOWN BIG COMPASS.

YOU ASSHOLES HAD IT TOO GOOD FORTOO LONG!

WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?

OH, YES, CALENDARS.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A WALLCALENDAR THAT JUST MIGHT

REINVIGORATE THE INDUSTRY, ANDYOU'RE GONNA TELL ME A HOLIDAY

THAT YOU'D FIND ON THATCALENDAR, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST UP, WHAT'S YOUR POOTELLING YOU?

MATT.

>> CORN HARVEST BEGINS.

>> HARDWICK: EVERY DAY. POINTS.

NEXT UP, DONALD TRUMP'S GREATESTQUOTES.

MARC.

>> UH, CINCO DE NOT IN MYCOUNTRY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

OH.

NEXT ONE, THE PUPPIES WITH GUNSCALENDAR.

MATT.

>> UH, DOG DAY AFTERNOON.

>> HARDWICK: GOOD. POINTS.

WELL DONE.

UH, NEXT UP, LADIES OF MANURE.

MARC.

>> UH, GERMAN INDEPENDENCE DAY.

>> HARDWICK: UH, POINTS.

NEXT UP, THE HIGH TIMESCALENDAR.

EMILY.

>> CHRONIC-AH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> YEAH.

>> "WE THOUGHT WE JUST HADENOUGH FOR ONE DAY, BUT IT

LASTED FOR EIGHT DAYS."

AND FINALLY, THE GAY BABIESCALENDAR.

MARC.

>> THIS PREMISE IS FUCKING WRONGDAY.

>> HARDWICK: AGREED. POINTS.