Ah, Men

  • Season 2, Ep 5
  • 10/31/2007

At her high school reunion, Sarah shows off God, her insecure boyfriend; Brian and Steve wonder if smoking marijuana caused them to be gay.

SARAH, I KNOWI'VE MADE SOME MISTAKES.

I'D LOVE TO BE ABLETO START THIS WHOLE THING OVER.

HELLO, MY NAME IS GOD.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

HI, GOD.SAY, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

ARE YOU THAT ANUSI BROUGHT HERE TONIGHT?

I NEED A DRINK.

I THINK THIS IS GONNAEAT AWAY AT US.

AND WE NEEDTO KNOW THE ANSWER.

MAYBE WE SHOULDJUST QUIT WEED FOR A WHILE

AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

I GUESS THIS IS IT.

I GUESS SO.

I CAN'T EVEN WATCH.

LISTEN, CHARISE, I'M CLEAN!

I'M REHABILITATED,I PROMISE!

I JUST WANNA SEE MY KIDS!

I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

(Sarah) "SARAH, DON'T! WHOO-AAAH!"

I TORTURED HIM. IT WAS SO GREAT!

IT WAS ALMOST AS BAD AS YOU.

THIS GUY CHEATEDOFF OF YOU.

SO THAT'S IT, THEN.

YOU NEVERCARED ABOUT ME.

YOU USED ME.

THIS WAS NEVERA REAL RELATIONSHIP.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

YOU HAVE NO IDEAWHAT YOU'RE THROWING AWAY.

PEOPLE WORSHIP ME.

OH, YEAH, I'VE GOT NOTHINGBUT GREAT FEEDBACK

ABOUT YOU TONIGHT.

HEY, EVERYBODY!I'M GOD.

AND THAT, APPARENTLY, IS THE ONLY THING

SARAH SILVERMANEVER REALLY LIKED ABOUT ME.

SHE DIDN'T WANT A MANWITH NEEDS AND FEELINGS.

SHE WANTED A SHOWDOGTO IMPRESS HER FRIENDS.

SHE WANTED--SHE WANTEDAN O-FACE GUY!

WELL, I'M NOTAN O O O-FACE GUY.

AND I NEVER WILL BE.

SO...[laughs]

I GUESS I'M NOT WELCOME HERE.

ENJOY YOUR REUNION.

YOU SHOULD CALL FRANKABOUT THAT FLOOD INSURANCE

HE'S BEEN PEDDLING, 'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT.

'CAUSE YOU'RE ALLA BUNCH OF DICKS!

YOU'RE A DICK,YOU'RE A DICK.

YOU'RE A DICK,YOU'RE A DICK.

YOU'RE A DICK, YOU'RE A DICK!

YOU'RE A DICK!

YOU'RE A DICK!

YOU'RE A--NO,SORRY, PHIL.

YOU'RE NOT A DICK, YOU'RE COOL.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT WAS COOL WITH ME.

BUT THE REST OF YOU...

PEACE OUT.

WHOA!

[screams]

OOH, OW, UGH, OH!

OH, THAT WAS BAD.

I'M OKAY.I CAUGHT MYSELF.

AH AH!BIRD BIRD BIRD!

[laughs]I GOTTA PEE.

[grunting]

O, O, O!

IS THIS STILL GOING ON?

MAYBE WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING.

AH, LET HIM PLAY OUT.HE'S ALMOST DONE.

WHAT'S HE GONNA DO,BREAK A THIRD LEG?

WE ARE NO LONGER A COUPLE!

[CRIMSON AND CLOVER]

WHOA.

FEELING IT, HUH?

MAN.

I HOPE I DIDN'TSMOKE TOO MUCH.

I DON'T WANT SARAHTO SEE ME LIKE THIS.

OH, MAN.

HOW LONG YOU THINKSHE'S GONNA BE GONE FOR?

IT'S ONLY BEEN TEN MINUTES.

[laughing]

HEY, CHESS CLUB.

I THINKTHAT'S THE DAY WE MET.

[twinkling]

HEY MAN, YOU WANNASMOKE SOME OF THIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

I HEAR SMOKING POTMAKES YOU GAY.

HELL, I'VE BEEN SMOKINGFOR, LIKE, THREE YEARS

AND I'M NOT GAY.

GOOD, 'CAUSE I LIKE BOOBIES.

[twinkling]

HEY, THERE'S NO WAYWE'RE JUST GAY

BECAUSE OF POT, RIGHT?

I MEAN, IT DOESN'TACTUALLY WORK THAT WAY, DOES IT?

NO.RIGHT?

I WISH POT MADE ME GAY.

THAT WAY I WOULDN'TFEEL SO TORN UP INSIDE.

GOTTA FOCUSON SOMETHING ELSE.

LET'S WATCH SOME TV.

YOU CAN WATCHANYTHING YOU WANT.

OH, NO WAY!

I DON'T KNOW, DOUG.

THAT BUGLE THINGREALLY CREEPED ME OUT.

BUT THEN THERE'SGOOD THINGS ABOUT HIM.

LIKE, HE--YOU KNOW,HE'S FUN

AND HE TICKLES MY BACK...

SARAH?

SARAH SILVERMAN!

HELLO, SALLY.

I HEAR YOU'RE WITHTHE O-FACE GUY NOW.

CONGRATULATIONS.

THANK YOU.

YEAH, UM, HE'S SHOOTINGA NATIONAL COMMERCIAL

RIGHT NOW.

SO CHI-CHING!

HOW WONDERFUL FOR YOUAND HIS MONEY.

OKAY, SO I'LL SEE YOUAT THE REUNION?

YOU CAN COUNT ON IT.

OKAY!BYE.

UGH!

GOD!

WHAT IS SO GREATABOUT THE O-FACE GUY?

O, O, O, O.

[laughs]

AH, I GUESSIT'S PRETTY FUNNY.

MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE GODTO THE REUNION.

HE HAS TO BE AT LEASTAS IMPRESSIVE

AS THE O-FACE GUY.

AND HE DESERVESA SECOND CHANCE.

I KNOW.

DO IT FASTER!

(Brian) FASTER, FASTER!

FASTER!FASTER!

FASTER, FASTER, FASTER, FASTER!

WHOA!

[screaming]

[laughing]

[gasping]

IT'S A CUT-AND-DRY CASE.

THE MAN COMMITTED SUICIDEWITH A REMOTE CONTROL.

(Jay) YEP.

IT ACTUALLY HAPPENSMORE THAN YOU'D THINK.

DOUG, SARAH.

HEY, SARAH!

SO SORRY I WENT TO YOUR APARTMENT.

I'M STILL WORKINGON MY BOUNDARY ISSUES.

AND I...STOP.

I FORGIVE YOU.

AND I'VE BEEN THINKING.

HOW WOULD A CERTAINHOLY ENTITY

LIKE TO GO TO A CERTAINHIGH SCHOOL REUNION

WITH A CERTAIN ME?

I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO!

THANK YOU.

YOU HAVE NO IDEAHOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME.

GOOD.

BUT COULD YOUNOT BE EXTREMELY STONED

WHEN WE GO?

YOU LOOKLIKE SMOKEY ROBINSON.

TOKEY ROBINSON.

LOOK AT ME,I'M JOKEY ROBINSON.

EXCUSE ME, GOD?

HEY, IT'S SARAH SILVERMAN.

I DON'T KNOWIF YOU REMEMBER ME

FROM THE SEX WE HAD?

SARAH SILVERMAN.HOW ARE YOU?

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

OH, GOD, NOTHING REALLY.

LITTLE OF THIS,A LITTLE OF THAT.

WASH IT DOWNWITH SOME CHICKEN FAT.

[laughs]

I SAW YOUSAVE THAT WOMAN EARLIER.

I WAS JUST PASSING BY.

AND YOU PLAY GUITAR!

YEAH, I PICKED IT UPA WHILE AGO.

UM, RIGHT AFTER YOU AND I...

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A BOOGERABOUT ALL THAT.

I JUST--I REALLY OWE YOUAN APOLOGY.

IT WAS INSENSITIVEAND CONTROVERSIAL.

HEY, FORGET IT.I HAVE.

OH. OKAY.

WELL, YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU TOO.

I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

YOU WANNA HAVE SOME COFFEEWITH ME?

I COULD SHUFFLEA FEW THINGS AROUND.

OKAY.

(God) IT'S SO UGLY.

BUT IT'S SO...IMPORTANT.

YEAH, I DON'T GET IT.

THANK GOODNESS.I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME.

YOU HUNGRY?I'M STARVING.

LET'S GET A HOT DOG.OKAY.

AND THESE MANIACS OUT THERE

KILLING IN MY NAME!

I MEAN, IT'S FLATTERING,

BUT DON'T BE GROSSABOUT IT.

YES, TOTALLY!

IT'S LIKE ALL THE PIZZA JOINTSIN MY NEIGHBORHOOD

PUTTING THEIR MENUSON MY DOORKNOB.

IT'S LIKE, I GET IT,YOU ALL HAVE PIZZA.

THIS IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

[crying]

KIDS.

DO YOU HAVE ANY?

NOPE.

I KNEW IT.

AND THAT IS WHY I GAVE MANTHE ABILITY TO REASON.

LOOK HOW PLEASED YOU ARE WITH YOURSELF.

YOU'RE SO ARROGANT.

WELL, YOU'RE SO...[flatulence]

[laughs]

WHEN DID YOU GET FUNNY?

WHEN DID YOU GET...MONEY?

NO WAY!

I'M GONNA CALL YOU PREPPY.

I'M GONNA CALL YOU...

[bell dings]

THE PIZZA BAGELS ARE READY!

OH, WE ARE TWO LUCKY DOGS,DOUGLAS.

BETTER GET USED TO ME.

I'M GONNA BE AROUNDFOR GOOD THIS TIME.

BREATHE, DAMMIT!

JOEY, ENOUGH.

SHE'S IN GOD'S HANDS NOW.

[thunder crashing,heavenly music plays]

[gasps]

SHE'S BREATHING!

IT'S A MIRACLE.

HEY, SARAH,DID YOU GET THE NOTICE

ABOUT OUR HIGH SCHOOLREUNION?

YES!

I CAN'T BELIEVEIT'S ALREADY BEEN TEN YEARS!

(Steve) I HEAR THERE'S GONNA

BE A BITOF A CELEBRITY THERE.

I WOULDN'T CALL MYSELFA CELEBRITY.

GOD, LOCAL BELOVEDPERSONA, MAYBE.

(Brian) NO, NO, SALLY WHEELER'S

BRINGING THE GUYFROM OFFICE SPACE.

RON LIVINGSTON?

NO, THE O-FACE GUY.

YOU KNOW...

"O, O, O."

GREG PITTS!

OH, MY GOSH.

I WONDER HOW SHE MET HIM.

I HEARD THAT CELEBRITIESSOMETIMES,

THEY WANNA DATENORMAL PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, JUST TO BALANCE THEM OUT.

COULD WE STOP TALKINGABOUT SALLY WHEELER

FOR TWO SECONDS?

WHAT'S WRONGWITH SALLY WHEELER?

WELL, FOR ONE THING,SHE WAS VERY HURTFUL

TO BRIAN IN HIGH SCHOOL.

[twinkling]

SEE YOU IN MATH, SPOOKY!

(Sarah) OH, THAT'S REAL NICE.

WHAT, YOU CALL HIM SPOOKY

'CAUSE HE SCARES YOU?

'CAUSE HE LOOKS LIKEA BIG, SCARY MONSTER?

OH, LOOK AT ME!

I'M A CUTE,POPULAR CHEERLEADER!

I GET TO PICKON THE BIG, GIANT CHICKENFACE.

SO WHAT IF BRIANSMELLS LIKE A THOUSAND BEEFS

IN A JAR?

YOUR SOUL IS LIKE100 BEEFS IN A JAR.

[cheering]

FACE!

[twinkling]

ACTUALLY, THEY CALLEDME SPOOKY

BECAUSE MY LAST NAMEIS SPOOKOWSKI.

AND THEY NEVER CALLED YOU THATAGAIN, DID THEY?

THEY MOSTLY JUST CALLED MECHICKENFACE AFTER THAT.

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