Borelli, Matthews, Vernekoff, Collier

  • Season 6, Ep 607
  • 11/23/2002

Kareem Matthews bemoans unflattering summer fashion, Tami Vernekoff talks about getting beauty advice from her mom, and Reno Collier recalls his teaching days.

Y'ALL LOOK GOOD, TOO.

GOOD LOOKING CROWD.

YOU KNOW, EVERY NOW AND THEN

I LIKE TO GIVE SOME ADVICE.

LADIES, DON'T LAUGH DURING

THE PORNO WATCHING.

MEN FOLK DON'T LIKE THAT.

BUT TO ME, I FIND PORNO VERY

FUNNY.

IT CRACKS ME UP.

I MEAN, IT'S LIKE WATCHING NICK

AT NIGHT FOR ME.

OH, BOY, I CAN'T STOP GIGGLING.

BUT THE LAST GUY I DATED,

HE SAID I WENT A LITTLE BIT TOO

FAR.

THAT, YOU KNOW, I PLAYED TOO

MUCH, YOU KNOW.

BECAUSE ONE NIGHT, WE WATCHING

SOME PORNO.

I JUST THOUGHT I'D JUST JOKE

AROUND A LITTLE BIT.

SO I WAS LIKE, "WOW, WILL YOU

LOOK AT THAT.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENIS THAT

BIG BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

WHOO!

HE IS HUGE.

HEY, ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO BE

THAT BIG?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND HE WAS LIKE, "UH.

UH, DON'T PAY THAT ANY MIND.

THEY JUST DO THAT WITH LIGHTS

AND STUFF, THAT'S ALL."

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, SHOOT,

WE NEED TO GET SOME LIGHTS UP

IN HERE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

DAY OF MY LIFE.

I'M IN NEW YORK CITY.

I WAS IN A PIZZA PLACE TODAY.

I SAW SCOTT BAIO.

THAT DUDE CAN COOK.

THAT'S FUNNY TO ME.

I SHOULDN'T BE UP HERE MAKING

FUN.

THE WORLD'S IN TURMOIL.

PEOPLE ARE AT WAR.

THEM PALESTINIANS ARE ATTACKING

ISRAEL.

PALESTINIANS BETTER BE CAREFUL,

MAN, BECAUSE IF I KNOW ISRAEL

LIKE I THINK I DO, THEY'RE GONNA

SUE.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M JUST PLAYING.

COME ON, NOW.

DON'T DO DRUGS.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, I DON'T CARE.

BUT I WANNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,

WHILE I'M ON TV AND EVERYTHING,

DRUGS ARE A LIE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU EVER HEARD

OF GHB, THEY CALL IT THE DATE

RAPE DRUG.

I DRINK THAT CRAP ALL THE TIME

AND I NEVER GET LAID.

IT DON'T WORK.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ANYWAY, I USED TO TEACH SCHOOL

BEFORE I DID THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE YOUR DAMN KIDS.

I DON'T CARE.

YOU'RE LAUGHING AT THE WRONG

STUFF.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I TAUGHT PE AND IT WAS HOT.

I HAD TO BE OUTSIDE LIKE ALL DAY

LONG.

AND I LIKE TO GO OUT AND DRINK

AT NIGHT AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW, BUT I HAD TO STAND

OUTSIDE IN THE SUN, I'D BE

SWEATING LIKE CRAZY.

THESE DAMN LITTLE KIDS RUNNING

UP TO ME.

(SNIFFS)

"YOU SMELL LIKE MY DAD."

(LAUGHTER)

"WELL, YOUR DAD'S AN ALCOHOLIC."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW?

"HERE, DO A SHOT, IT'S

HEREDITARY."

YEE-HA!

BUT I HAD TO QUIT.

NOT DRINKING, TEACHING.

I DID.

AND THE REASON IS,

IS BECAUSE I COULDN'T LIE.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU TEACH SCHOOL,

YOU BETTER BE ABLE TO LIE,

BECAUSE THOSE PARENTS GET REAL

MAD AT YOU, YOU KNOW?

THEY COME IN, THEY'RE LIKE,

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY BOBBY

DOESN'T DO GOOD IN DODGE BALL."

YOU GOTTA BE LIKE, "'CAUSE BOBBY

DOESN'T APPLY HIMSELF."

BUT YOU'RE THINKING, "'CAUSE

BOBBY'S A FRUITY LITTLE BASTARD

AND HE THROWS LIKE THIS.

THAT'S WHY."

YOU KNOW, LOOK AT HIS DAD,

THAT AIN'T MY FAULT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEY ALWAYS TRY TO BLAME THE

TEACHERS BECAUSE THE KIDS ARE

FREAKS.

AND, AH...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

IT'S COOL.

IT'S PRETTY COOL BEING MARRIED.

YOU KNOW LIKE--

BUT YOU CHANGE.

I USED TO LOVE TO HUNT AND SHOOT

STUFF AND KILL STUFF.

AND THEN I GOT MARRIED AND NOW

I'M MORE IN TOUCH WITH MY

FEMININE SIDE.

I STILL KILL STUFF, I JUST WEAR

PUMPS.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I GOT MARRIED THE RIGHT WAY,

YOU KNOW.

I ASKED HER AND EVERYTHING.

(LAUGHTER)

I ASKED HER TO MARRY ME, AND FOR

A WHILE, I WASN'T SURE HOW TO DO

IT.

I WAS GONNA TRY TO DO THAT

MAIL ORDER BRIDE THING.

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW.

BECAUSE IF YOU AIN'T HOME AND

YOUR NEIGHBOR SIGNS FOR IT,

SHE'S OUT THERE MOWING HIS DAMN

YARD.

THAT AIN'T COOL.

IT'S LIKE "FUNG SHING, GET OVER

HERE WHERE YOU BELONG AND GET

THIS GRASS."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH BEING

MARRIED AND BEING A COMEDIAN

IS LIKE HER PARENTS HATE ME,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE THEY'RE ALWAYS MEAN TO ME.

AND THEY'RE ALWAYS--

WE WENT TO THEIR HOUSE FOR

CHRISTMAS AND I'M LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?"

HER DAD JUST LIKE ATTACKS ME.

"OH, HERE COMES CHUCKLEHEAD.

FULL OF JOKES, ALWAYS FUNNY.

EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT HOW FUNNY

HE IS.

CHUCKLE.

CHUCKLE.

CHUCKLE.

CHUCKLE.

YOU ALWAYS TALK ABOUT HOW FUNNY

YOU ARE, SHE SAYS YOU'RE FUNNY,

HE SAYS YOU'RE FUNNY, I NEVER

HEARD YOU SAY ANYTHING FUNNY.

WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING

FUNNY RIGHT NOW?!"

I WAS LIKE, "DAMN.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU GUY'S

CAME BACK FROM VACATION AND

WE TOLD YOU WE SPILLED YOGURT

ON YOUR COMFORTER.

HA-HA-HA!

THAT'S FUNNY AS HELL."

THANKS A LOT, YOU GUY'S,

GOOD NIGHT.

THANK YO