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Season 6

Borelli, Matthews, Vernekoff, Collier

  • Season 6, Ep 607
  • 11/23/2002

Y'ALL LOOK GOOD, TOO.

GOOD LOOKING CROWD.

YOU KNOW, EVERY NOW AND THEN

I LIKE TO GIVE SOME ADVICE.

LADIES, DON'T LAUGH DURING

THE PORNO WATCHING.

MEN FOLK DON'T LIKE THAT.

BUT TO ME, I FIND PORNO VERY

FUNNY.

IT CRACKS ME UP.

I MEAN, IT'S LIKE WATCHING NICK

AT NIGHT FOR ME.

OH, BOY, I CAN'T STOP GIGGLING.

BUT THE LAST GUY I DATED,

HE SAID I WENT A LITTLE BIT TOO

FAR.

THAT, YOU KNOW, I PLAYED TOO

MUCH, YOU KNOW.

BECAUSE ONE NIGHT, WE WATCHING

SOME PORNO.

I JUST THOUGHT I'D JUST JOKE

AROUND A LITTLE BIT.

SO I WAS LIKE, "WOW, WILL YOU

LOOK AT THAT.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENIS THAT

BIG BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

WHOO!

HE IS HUGE.

HEY, ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO BE

THAT BIG?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND HE WAS LIKE, "UH.

UH, DON'T PAY THAT ANY MIND.

THEY JUST DO THAT WITH LIGHTS

AND STUFF, THAT'S ALL."

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, SHOOT,

WE NEED TO GET SOME LIGHTS UP

IN HERE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

DAY OF MY LIFE.

I'M IN NEW YORK CITY.

I WAS IN A PIZZA PLACE TODAY.

I SAW SCOTT BAIO.

THAT DUDE CAN COOK.

THAT'S FUNNY TO ME.

I SHOULDN'T BE UP HERE MAKING

FUN.

THE WORLD'S IN TURMOIL.

PEOPLE ARE AT WAR.

THEM PALESTINIANS ARE ATTACKING

ISRAEL.

PALESTINIANS BETTER BE CAREFUL,

MAN, BECAUSE IF I KNOW ISRAEL

LIKE I THINK I DO, THEY'RE GONNA

SUE.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M JUST PLAYING.

COME ON, NOW.

DON'T DO DRUGS.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, I DON'T CARE.

BUT I WANNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,

WHILE I'M ON TV AND EVERYTHING,

DRUGS ARE A LIE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU EVER HEARD

OF GHB, THEY CALL IT THE DATE

RAPE DRUG.

I DRINK THAT CRAP ALL THE TIME

AND I NEVER GET LAID.

IT DON'T WORK.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ANYWAY, I USED TO TEACH SCHOOL

BEFORE I DID THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE YOUR DAMN KIDS.

I DON'T CARE.

YOU'RE LAUGHING AT THE WRONG

STUFF.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I TAUGHT PE AND IT WAS HOT.

I HAD TO BE OUTSIDE LIKE ALL DAY

LONG.

AND I LIKE TO GO OUT AND DRINK

AT NIGHT AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW, BUT I HAD TO STAND

OUTSIDE IN THE SUN, I'D BE

SWEATING LIKE CRAZY.

THESE DAMN LITTLE KIDS RUNNING

UP TO ME.

(SNIFFS)

"YOU SMELL LIKE MY DAD."

(LAUGHTER)

"WELL, YOUR DAD'S AN ALCOHOLIC."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW?

"HERE, DO A SHOT, IT'S

HEREDITARY."

YEE-HA!

BUT I HAD TO QUIT.

NOT DRINKING, TEACHING.

I DID.

AND THE REASON IS,

IS BECAUSE I COULDN'T LIE.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU TEACH SCHOOL,

YOU BETTER BE ABLE TO LIE,

BECAUSE THOSE PARENTS GET REAL

MAD AT YOU, YOU KNOW?

THEY COME IN, THEY'RE LIKE,

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY BOBBY

DOESN'T DO GOOD IN DODGE BALL."

YOU GOTTA BE LIKE, "'CAUSE BOBBY

DOESN'T APPLY HIMSELF."

BUT YOU'RE THINKING, "'CAUSE

BOBBY'S A FRUITY LITTLE BASTARD

AND HE THROWS LIKE THIS.

THAT'S WHY."

YOU KNOW, LOOK AT HIS DAD,

THAT AIN'T MY FAULT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEY ALWAYS TRY TO BLAME THE

TEACHERS BECAUSE THE KIDS ARE

FREAKS.

AND, AH...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

IT'S COOL.

IT'S PRETTY COOL BEING MARRIED.

YOU KNOW LIKE--

BUT YOU CHANGE.

I USED TO LOVE TO HUNT AND SHOOT

STUFF AND KILL STUFF.

AND THEN I GOT MARRIED AND NOW

I'M MORE IN TOUCH WITH MY

FEMININE SIDE.

I STILL KILL STUFF, I JUST WEAR

PUMPS.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I GOT MARRIED THE RIGHT WAY,

YOU KNOW.

I ASKED HER AND EVERYTHING.

(LAUGHTER)

I ASKED HER TO MARRY ME, AND FOR

A WHILE, I WASN'T SURE HOW TO DO

IT.

I WAS GONNA TRY TO DO THAT

MAIL ORDER BRIDE THING.

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW.

BECAUSE IF YOU AIN'T HOME AND

YOUR NEIGHBOR SIGNS FOR IT,

SHE'S OUT THERE MOWING HIS DAMN

YARD.

THAT AIN'T COOL.

IT'S LIKE "FUNG SHING, GET OVER

HERE WHERE YOU BELONG AND GET

THIS GRASS."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH BEING

MARRIED AND BEING A COMEDIAN

IS LIKE HER PARENTS HATE ME,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE THEY'RE ALWAYS MEAN TO ME.

AND THEY'RE ALWAYS--

WE WENT TO THEIR HOUSE FOR

CHRISTMAS AND I'M LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?"

HER DAD JUST LIKE ATTACKS ME.

"OH, HERE COMES CHUCKLEHEAD.

FULL OF JOKES, ALWAYS FUNNY.

EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT HOW FUNNY

HE IS.

CHUCKLE.

CHUCKLE.

CHUCKLE.

CHUCKLE.

YOU ALWAYS TALK ABOUT HOW FUNNY

YOU ARE, SHE SAYS YOU'RE FUNNY,

HE SAYS YOU'RE FUNNY, I NEVER

HEARD YOU SAY ANYTHING FUNNY.

WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING

FUNNY RIGHT NOW?!"

I WAS LIKE, "DAMN.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU GUY'S

CAME BACK FROM VACATION AND

WE TOLD YOU WE SPILLED YOGURT

ON YOUR COMFORTER.

HA-HA-HA!

THAT'S FUNNY AS HELL."

THANKS A LOT, YOU GUY'S,

GOOD NIGHT.

THANK YO

NEW YORK CITY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I GOTTA TELL Y' ALL, IT'S BEEN

HOT AS HELL, THOUGH.

AND DON'T IT SEEM LIKE THE

HOTTER IT GET, THE MORE PEOPLE

YOU SEE OUT IN STUFF YOU KNOW

THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE ON?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I HATE WHEN IT'S ALWAYS THE ONE

DUDE AT THE PARK TRYING TO PLAY

BASKETBALL IN SOME TIGHT ASS

SHORTS FROM LIKE THE '80s.

I CAN'T PLAY WHEN IT'S SOMEBODY

ON THE COURT LIKE THAT, MAN.

OR IT WOULD BE LIKE THE ONE

LATINO DUDE ON THE COURT IN SOME

SLACKS AND DRESS SHOES.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I SEEN SOME OF THE CRAZIEST

PETS, MAN, HAVING LATINO

NEIGHBORS.

I SAW SOME ANIMALS I DIDN'T EVEN

KNOW COULD BE PETS.

BECAUSE I HAD THESE LATINO

NEIGHBORS, THEY HAD FOUR

ROOSTERS FOR PETS.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU SEE I NEVER REALLY HAD PETS

WHEN I WAS A KID.

THERE WAS ONE TIME I ASKED

MY MOM FOR A PUPPY.

SHE WAS LIKE, "NO, PUPPIES COST

TOO MUCH.

I'M GONNA GET YOU A DOG FROM

THE SHELTER.

THEY CHEAPER."

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW ABOUT

THOSE DOGS FROM THE SHELTER,

BUT THEY BE A LITTLE BIT OFF.

WE ENDED UP GETTING LIKE A CRACK

HEAD DOG.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THAT'S HOW I WAS, MAN,

WHEN I WAS A KID.

MY MOM WOULD NEVER GET US

EXACTLY WHAT WE WANTED.

SHE WOULD ALWAYS GET US

SOMETHING LIKE IT.

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE AT CHRISTMAS WE NEVER HAD

A REAL CHRISTMAS TREE.

WE ALWAYS HAD ONE OF THE ONES

YOU PUT TOGETHER YOURSELF.

(LAUGHTER)

EVERY YEAR WE LOSE A COUPLE

BRANCHES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BY THE TIME I WAS LIKE TEN,

THE TREE HAD LIKE THREE BRANCHES

LEFT.

BUT I LOVED GROWING UP IN THE

HOOD BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY

PLACE YOU'RE GONNA FIND AN ATM

THAT WILL LET YOU TAKE $5 OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND CHANGE.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I'M LIKE--

YOU CAN'T BEAT THAT, MAN.

AND I LOVE INVITING LIKE

MY WHITE FRIENDS OVER TO MY

NEIGHBORHOOD.

THAT'S FUNNY TO ME.

BECAUSE THEY'LL COME, YOU KNOW

WHITE PEOPLE, THEY'LL GO

ANYWHERE.

THEY DON'T CARE.

IT'S LIKE COME ON, LET'S GO.

IT'LL BE FUN.

(LAUGHTER)

SEE BLACK PEOPLE, WE CAN'T JUST

ROLL OUT LIKE THAT, MAN.

WE GOTTA ASK QUESTIONS BEFORE WE

GO.

LIKE, "IS THERE GONNA BE A LOT

OF COPS UP THERE?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

'CAUSE IF IT IS, I AIN'T GOING."

SEE WHITE PEOPLE, THEY DON'T

HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT, MAN.

THEY DON'T HAVE TO HAVE PROPER

POLICE ETIQUETTE.

YOU KNOW.

THEY GET PULLED OVER.

THEY GET A TICKET.

THEY CAN ACTUALLY GET OUT THE

CAR AND GET THE TICKET.

I TRIP WHEN I SEE THAT.

A WHITE PERSON WILL BE PULLED

OVER.

THEY'LL BE BACK THERE TALKING TO

THE COP, ALL HAPPY.

PLAYING ON HIS COMPUTER.

CHECKING THEIR EMAIL.

(LAUGHTER)

I GET PULLED OVER BY THE COPS,

MAN.

GETTING OUT THE CAR IS THE LAST

THING I'M THINKING ABOUT.

I'M JUST HOPING THEY DON'T DRAG

ME OUT THE CAR.

THAT'S WHY NOW, I DRIVE WITH

A CAMCORDER IN MY CAR.

I GET PULLED OVER, I'M LIKE,

"YEAH, IS THERE A PROBLEM,

OFFICER?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AWESOME CROWD.

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU,

A NICE YOUNG CROWD.

BECAUSE LAST TIME I WORKED IN A

LARGE VENUE WAS IN ATLANTIC

CITY.

IT WAS THE OLDEST CROWD I EVER

WORKED FOR.

I SWEAR TO GOD, I GOT HECKLED

BY A GUY, AND HE SAID, "TAKE OFF

YOUR BRITCHES."

SO THANKS.

SO, I WAS OUT WEST FOR THE PAST

MONTH AND THE BEST PART OF MY

TRIP WAS THAT I MISSED TWO

BRIDAL SHOWERS AND A WEDDING

BACK HOME.

WHOO!

YEAH!

YEAH, IT'S FUNNY, ALL MY FRIENDS

THAT ARE GETTING MARRIED,

THEY NEVER SAY TO ME, LIKE,

"TAMMY, HE'S THE LOVE OF MY

LIFE.

HE'S EVERYTHING I'VE EVER

DREAMED OF."

THEY GO, NO, THEY GO, "LOOK AT

THE RING.

DID YOU SEE THE RING?

LOOK AT THE RING!

IS IT WHITE GOLD?

IS IT PLATINUM?

HOW MANY CARATS?

HOW MANY BAGUETTES."

I'M LIKE, "OH, GOD, LOOK,

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND."

BUT DIAMONDS ARE NOT MY BEST

FRIEND.

IF WE WANNA MAKE IT ALL ABOUT

THE RING, I'LL TAKE A RING FROM

A GUY, BUT I WANT SOMETHING COOL

IN IT, COOLER THAN A DIAMOND.

LIKE AN MP3.

HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?

PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE, "LET ME

SEE THE RING."

I'LL BE LIKE, "NO, NO.

LISTEN TO IT.

(LAUGHTER)

OLDER SISTER AND YOUNGER BROTHER

ARE BOTH MARRIED NOW.

AND MY MOM SAYS TO ME NOW,

ALL THE TIME, SHE GOES, "TAMMY,

YOU HAVEN'T MET THE RIGHT GUY

YET BECAUSE YOU DON'T WEAR

ENOUGH LIPSTICK OR ROUGE."

ROUGE.

I'M NOT SURE IF YOU GUYS KNOW

BUT ROUGE ISN'T EVEN A PRODUCT

ON THE MARKET ANYMORE.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO TALK TO MY

MOTHER EVERY SINGLE DAY,

BECAUSE HEARING HOW DELUSIONAL

I MAY BECOME ONE DAY MAKES ME

APPRECIATE EVERY DAY I HAVE LEFT

WITH MY SANITY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ACTUALLY, I DID START SEEING

THIS GUY RECENTLY AND HE'S

REALLY GREAT.

BUT HE'S NOT VERBALLY

EXPRESSIVE.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

ARE YOU DATING HIM, TOO?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NO, REALLY, IF ACTIONS SPEAK

LOUDER THAN WORDS, I THINK HE

LIKES ME.

BECAUSE HE POPPED THE ZITS ON MY

BACK.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

AND THEN YOU HAVE LIKE SOME

WEIRD SITUATIONS.

LIKE I WAS WITH THIS GUY ONE

NIGHT AND IT'S THE END OF THE

DATE.

AND WE'RE SITTING ON HIS COUCH.

AND HE STARTS LOOKING AT ME,

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, GOD, HE WANTS

TO KISS ME, HE WANTS TO KISS

ME."

AND I WASN'T SURE I WANTED TO

KISS HIM.

BUT DID YOU EVER GIVE SOMEBODY

A PITY KISS, RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

IT'S SORT OF LIKE--

THANKS FOR SHOPPING TAMMY.

YOU KNOW.

I'M LIKE, "AH, LOOK, HE'S A COOL

GUY, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL.

I'LL JUST MAKE OUT WITH HIM ON

THE COUCH."

SO NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

WE'RE MAKING OUT ON HIS COUCH,

NEXT THING I KNOW HE'S ON TOP OF

ME, AND I WAS LIKE, "EW, I DON'T

KNOW IF I WANNA HOOK UP WITH

THIS GUY."

BUT I COULD FEEL THAT HE WAS

EXCITED.

SO DID YOU EVER GIVE SOMEBODY

A PITY HAND JOB?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M SURE YOU HAVE.

MATTHEW BRODERICK.

(LAUGHTER)

THANKS, IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

SO I WAS RIDING HOME TO BROOKLYN

ONE NIGHT ON THE "F" TRAIN,

I LIKE THE "F" TRAIN A LOT,

YEAH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS RIDING THE "F" TRAIN,

IT WAS LIKE TWO IN THE MORNING

AND THERE WAS THIS ENORMOUS

HOMELESS GUY SPRAWLED OUT,

YOU'VE ALL SEEN THIS.

SLEEPING ON THE SEATS AND STUFF.

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, WHATEVER,

HE DOESN'T HAVE A HOME.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

BUT THEN HE WOKE UP AND HE WAS

ENORMOUS.

I MEAN, HE WAS HUGE.

HE WAS 6'5" AND HE WEIGHED

273 POUNDS AND I KNOW THIS

BECAUSE I WEIGHED AND MEASURED

HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

SO THERE HE WAS SLEEPING,

AND HE WAKES UP, RIGHT,

AND HE JUST UNZIPS HIS PANTS,

PULLS OUT HIS PENIS AND STARTS

PEEING AGAINST THE DOOR.

EVERYONE--

AND THIS IS A TRUE STORY--

AND EVERYONE FREAKED OUT.

AND I WAS TELLING MY FRIEND THIS

STORY AND MY FRIEND ACTUALLY

SAID TO ME, "WELL, PATRICK,

IT'S TOO BAD THAT HE WAS SO MUCH

BIGGER THAN YOU."

TO WHICH I REPLIED, "WHY?"

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "WELL,

IF HE WAS YOUR SIZE OR SMALLER,

YOU COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING."

AND MY FRIEND'S RIGHT.

WHENEVER I SEE SOMEONE PEEING

IN PUBLIC, I ASK MYSELF ONE

QUESTION, "PATRICK, CAN YOU TAKE

THIS GUY?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHEN YOU'RE REALLY IN LOVE,

YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY

TWO PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU FIRST START

DATING, AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"THIS PERSON'S INCREDIBLE",

AND LIKE--

"I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE"--

YOU STOP CALLING YOUR FRIENDS.

THAT'S THE BEST FEELING IN THE

WORLD.

AND I'VE BEEN SO LUCKY TO FEEL

LIKE THAT FOR LIKE THE PAST SIX

WEEKS.

IT'S BEEN AWESOME.

BUT WHAT'S WEIRD, IS, I'M NOT

DATING ANYONE.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

I JUST FEEL LIKE THAT WITH THE

OLD DUDE WHO MAKES MY SANDWICHES

AT THE DELI.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I'M JUST LIKE, "YEAH, HEY,

CAN I GET A TUNA FISH ON RYE."

AND HE'S LIKE, "COMING RIGHT UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHENEVER YOU COME IN HERE,

IT'S JUST LIKE YOU AND ME IN THE

WORLD."

(LAUGHTER)

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, I DON'T

KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH THAT,

IT'S WEIRD."

HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

ARE YOU GAY?"

AND I GO, "NO, I'M NOT GAY."

"ME NEITHER, BUT WE GOT

SOMETHING SPECIAL."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

SO A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I'M GAY

AND I'M--

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

USUALLY WHEN PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE

GAY IT'S BECAUSE THE WAY YOU

DRESS OR TALK OR THE WAY YOU'RE

REALLY INTO HOUSE MUSIC.

AND I DON'T DO ANY OF THOSE

THINGS.

FOR ME, IT'S LIKE--

I PUT ONE BEN AFFLECK POSTER

IN MY BEDROOM AND EVERYONE

STARTS TALKING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I RAN INTO THIS GUY I WENT

TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH IN BOSTON.

AND HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S

UP, PAT, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A

FEW YEARS?"

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, HOW YOU

DOING?"

HE'S LIKE, "PRETTY GOOD.

I WAS HANGING OUT WITH SOME

BUDDIES OF OURS AND WE GOT

A LIST OF GUYS THAT WE WENT TO

HIGH SCHOOL WITH THAT ARE GAY,

AND YOU'RE ON IT."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT WHEN PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE

GAY, NOTHING YOU SAY--

YOU CAN'T BREAK THEM OUT OF IT.

AND THIS GUY WAS LIKE, "DUDE,

SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE GAY, RIGHT?"

AND I'M LIKE, "NO, I'M NOT GAY."

HE'S LIKE, "YOU'RE GAY, RIGHT,

SERIOUSLY, YOU CAN TELL ME."

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE HIM

BELIEVE ME THAT I WASN'T.

AND THEN I FIGURED IT OUT.

IF YOU SHOOT THEM WITH A GUN,

THEY'LL STOP.

SO I SHOT HIM, RIGHT.

AND YOU EVER NOTICE WHEN YOU

SHOOT SOMEONE WITH A GUN,

THEY DO TWO THINGS THAT ARE

REALLY ANNOYING.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S TRUE.

THEY TELL YOU THAT YOU SHOT

THEM, OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

I HATE THAT.

AND THEN THEY TELL YOU WHERE YOU

SHOT THEM OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

IT'S LIKE "YOU SHOT MY SHOULDER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SHOULDER MY

SHOULDER.

MY SHOULDER'S BEEN HIT."

AND I'M LIKE, "THAT'S WHERE I

WAS AIMING."

(LAUGHTER)

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