Coolness

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 03/18/2009

Demetri is too cool for clear pants, but he still needs professional help before a date.

>> HOODWINKERS.

ARE YOU SEEKINGTO HOODWINK SOMEONE?

>> YES, I GUESSYOU COULD SAY THAT.

>> ALL RIGHT THEN.

ARE YOU TRYING TO ENDA RELATIONSHIP

WHILE STILL MAKING IT SEEM LIKEIT'S NOT YOU WHO IS DOING IT

BUT INSTEAD THE OTHER PERSON?

>> UH, NO.

>> ARE YOU TRYING TO APPEAR MOREATTRACTIVE TO A MAN OR A WOMAN

IN WHOM YOU ARESEXUALLY INTERESTED?

>> YES, I AM.

>> FIRST DATE?

>> YES.

>> AND HOW MUCH COOLERDO YOU NEED TO APPEAR?

>> I'M NOT SURE.

>> WELL, HOW MANY COMIC BOOKSDO YOU OWN?

>> WELL, DOES THAT INCLUDEGRAPHIC NOVELS?

>> GREAT, I'VE GOTALL THE INFORMATION WE NEED.

>> OKAY, SEE YOU GUYS FRIDAY.

HOW WILL I KNOW IT'S YOU GUYS?

>> YOU'LL KNOW.JUST PLAY ALONG.

>> GARY?

>> APRIL?

>> YEAH.

>> YOU LOOK HOT.

LIKE, I WOULD MAKE A SCREENSAVEROUT OF HOW HOT--

[horn honking]

AND I WOULD PROBABLY NEVER GETSICK OF LOOKING AT IT--

>> I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

[horn honking]

WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?

>> YEAH.

>> YOU KNOW, MR. GIBSON,IT IS SUCH AN HONOR

TO HAVE YOUDINING WITH US AGAIN.

SO HOW'S THE NEW PLAYCOMING ALONG?

>> OH, YOU WRITE PLAYS?

>> YEAH.

[speaking French]

MERCI.

>> THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

SO MY SISTER KEPT BRINGINGALL THESE STRAY CATS HOME.

IT WASN'T REALLY HER FAULT.

THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD HAS CATS.

AND WE GREW UP WITH ANIMALS,YOU KNOW,

BIRDS AND CATS AND DOGS,

BUT, YOU KNOW, WE'D KEEP THEMSEPARATED, YOU KNOW?

I GUESS, YOU KNOW,THAT'S WHAT INSPIRED ME

TO BECOME A VET.

[gagging]

[retching]

OH, MY GOD.

YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

THANK YOU.

HOW DID A MARBLE GET IN MY FOOD?

I CAN'T BELIEVEJUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

PICKED UP OUR CHECK.

>> YEAH.

>> WELL, UM,I HAD A REALLY GREAT TIME.

>> ME TOO.

>> [sighs]

THAT WAS NICE.

SO, UM, YOU'LL CALL ME?

>> YEAH.

>> OKAY.>> OKAY.

>> BYE-BYE.>> BYE.

YES! YES.

>> OKAY, JUST BE CONFIDENT.

COME ON.

IT WAS A GOOD DECISION.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

GO FOR IT.

>> WHOA.

>> YOU LOOK COOL NOW.

PEOPLE WILL NOTICE YOU.

YOU ARE COOL.

YOU'RE COOL.

HELLO, LADIES.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

NOW, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME.

BEHOLD, I AM THE DRAGON MAN.

[dangerous hard rock music]

BEST $8,000 I EVER SPENT.

YEAH, IT'S REAL.

AND IT HURT LIKE A [bleep].

IT FELT GOOD TOO, THOUGH.

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH," LIKE,"I'M DOING THIS,"

YOU KNOW?

"LIKE, FOREVER."

>> THAT IS SO HARDCORE.

>> IT'S JUST NICE TO MAKEA DECISION AND BE LIKE,

"YES," LIKE, "THAT'S ME,"YOU KNOW--

ESPECIALLY ON THE FOREHEAD;IT'S, LIKE, ALL BONE, YOU KNOW.

>> YOU'RE SO BRAVE.

>> YEAH, I GUESS SO.

GUILTY AS CHARGED.

[laughter]

CHECK THIS OUT.

[laughter]

>> I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE WHOWOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

>> I GUESS YOU HAVEN'T, YEAH.

>> YEAH, I'VE NEVER REALLY MET--

>> THE DRAGON HAS ARRIVED.

[dangerous hard rock music]

>> [bleep].

HEY.

>> HEY.

>> SO HOW DO YOU KNOW DAN?

>> WE WORK AT THE SAMETEMP AGENCY.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT COOLNESSIN MORE DETAIL.

COOLNESS, SOME DATA.

GLASSES AND PANTS HAVEVERY SIMILAR COOLNESS VALUE.

YOU SEE, IF THEY'RE DARK,

IT'S COOLERTHAN IF THEY'RE CLEAR.

NOT AS COOL.

NEXT.

OKAY, IT'S EASIER TO MAKESOMETHING COOL UNCOOL

THAN IT IS TO MAKESOMETHING UNCOOL COOL.

FOR EXAMPLE, A LION:

COOL.

TO MAKE IT UNCOOL, EASY:

ADD A SWEATER VEST.

AND HUMAN ARMS, APPARENTLY.

BUT TO MAKE SOMETHINGUNCOOL COOL,

MUCH MORE DIFFICULT.

OKAY, LET'S TAKE A STAPLER.

UNCOOL.

ADDED SKULL, FLAMES,

SWITCHBLADE?

WHAT ABOUT LIGHTING SHOOTINGOUT OF THE BACK OF IT?

AND IT HAS THE ABILITY TO FLY.

IT'S JUST CUMBERSOME.

IT'S NOT COOL, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S JUST DIFFICULTTO STAPLE PAPER WITH, REALLY.

[mellow acoustic guitar music]

IT'S COOL AT THE END TO SMASHYOUR INSTRUMENTS.

THAT LOOKS SO BADASS, YOU KNOW.

IT'S HARDER IF YOU'REIN AN A CAPELLA GROUP THOUGH.

THE BEST THING THEY CAN DO ISJUST, LIKE,

PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE MOUTHWHEN THE SHOW'S OVER.

"WOW, THIS IS A HARD-ASSA CAPELLA GROUP, MAN."

I LEARNED THAT IF YOU WANTTO GET OUT OF A CONVERSATION,

LIKE AT A PARTY OR SOMETHING,

BUT I WANT TO BE COOL ABOUT IT,YOU CAN'T JUST, LIKE, WALK AWAY.

THAT'S RUDE, YOU KNOW.

ALL YOU DO IS ANNOUNCE THE NEXTTHING THAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.

THEN YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

"REALLY, THAT WAS YOUR FIRSTSUMMER JOB?

I'M GONNA GETSOME POTATO CHIPS."

THEN YOU'RE FREE.

"REALLY, THAT'S YOURGRANDMOTHER'S MIDDLE NAME?

I'M GONNA GO WALK IN A CIRCLE."

NO PROBLEM.

THE BEST IS,

"OH, I GOT TO GOTO THE BATHROOM.

"I'M SORRY, YEAH.

"I CAN'T STAY HERE,'CAUSE MY BLADDER'S

"KIND OF FORCING MEOUT OF THIS CONVERSATION.

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU."

I DID THAT ONCE,AND I GOT A COUPLE STEPS AWAY,

AND THEN I GOT INTO

A MORE INTERESTING CONVERSATIONOVER HERE.

BUT THEN I MADE EYE CONTACTWITH THE FIRST GUY,

AND HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE:

SO I HAD TO PEE IN MY PANTS.

"HUH? YOU THOUGHT I WAS LYING.

WHAT'S THAT?"

I THINK A COOL THING TO DOWOULD BE TO GO TO A PARTY,

AND WHEN PEOPLE SAY,"WHAT DO YOU DO?"

SAY, "I MAKE BUSINESS CARDSFOR A LIVING."

AND THEN PULL ONE OUTTHAT SAYS, "SEE?"

I THINK SWORD SWALLOWINGWOULD LOOK WAY COOLER

IF, WHEN THE GUYPULLED THE SWORD OUT,

THERE WAS A PIECE OF FOODON THE TIP OF IT.

"THIS GUY IS GOOD.

LOOKS LIKE HE HAD CORNOR SOMETHING."

STROBE LIGHTS CAUSE SEIZURESIN SOME PEOPLE.

AND WE STILL HAVE STROBE LIGHTS.

HOW DID THAT WORK OUT?

"LOOK, I UNDERSTAND YOU MIGHTSWALLOW YOUR TONGUE.

BUT THESE GUIDOS NEED TO PARTY."

[horn honks]

>> BRO.

WHAT'S UP?

>> WHAT'S UP, DUDE?

>> HOW'S IT GOING?

>> [whistles]

>> HELLO.>> NICE.

>> HELLO.>> REAL NICE.

>> OKAY, ALLIE.

YOU WANT TO GO SEE MOMMY?

YOU WANT TO GO HOMEAND SEE MOMMY?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

HUH?

[kissing sounds]

>> DENIED.

YEAH.

WHAT? WHAT?

>> SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

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