Steve and Roy suffer through an excruciatingly long bathroom line, Jerk Chicken runs afoul of his gay friend, and a time travel newbie takes the plunge.
- "If you've found this letter, consider yourself very lucky."
- Hmm.- "After years of testing,
"I finally figured out how to send
a carbon life force back in time."
- Interesting.- "Read carefully,
"and prepare ahead of time.
"Get all the props and items listed here
before you attempt."- Okay.
- "You will need a portable rolling chalkboard,
1-inch piece of red chalk..."- Got it.
- "A six-pack of ginger ale..."- Check.
- "A knife..."- Got it.
- "And one retired magician's white rabbit."
- Got it. - "Now, onto the list.
"One: the calendar must read
November 22nd."- Mm-hmm.
- "It must be 4:30 A.M. or P.M."
- Check. - "The sky must be littered
with cumulus nimbus clouds."
- Yep. - "There mustn't be
"any goldfish within a mile radius of your location.
"One crisp $2 bill
must be in your wallet."- Check.
- "Your license must be expired."
- Check. - "Your right thumb
must be painted red..."
- Hmm. Hmm. - "The left, black.
"Also, you must have thumbs.
"An annoying car alarm must be going off
somewhere in the vicinity."- Check.
- "A poster of the original 'Tron'
"must be taped to the wall facing you.
"Brush your teeth with a boar head's bristle.
"One Smurf figurine must be in your pocket.
Any Smurf will do. I used Brainy."
- Got it.- "Batteries should be removed
"from all smoke alarms.
"A copy of 'Time' magazine
should be in the room anywhere."
- Check. - "Eat a banana and its peel.
"Take a piss. Turn on an oscillating fan.
"Turn off an oscillating fan.
"Take any or all eyeglasses,
"place them in a pink scarf, and smash them.
Say the name 'Gilda Radner' backwards."
- Rendar Adlig.
- "Drink half the six-pack of ginger ale.
Sing the song 'Back in Time' by Huey Lewis but in French."
- ♪ Remonter dans le temps
- "Do one push-up.
"Call someone you know, burp,
"then hang up and disconnect your phone immediately.
"Say, 'Picasso was a Spaniard!'
but with an Australian accent."
- [Australian accent]Picasso was a Spaniard.
- "Laugh maniacally for three seconds exactly."
- [laughs maniacally]
- "Now take the red piece of chalk
"and write on the chalkboard
"the month, day, and year that you were born.
"Below that date, write today's date.
"Below that date, write the day, month, and year
"that you'd like to travel back to.
"You should not write any year
"before you were born or the time travel will not work.
"You can only travel back in time
"to the years that you've already experienced.
"Take the Ambien. Insert it up your ass.
"Pick up the rabbit by the ears.
"Pick up the knife. Slice the rabbit's neck.
"Pocket the list and close your eyes.
"Smile, you're about to travel back in time
"to the date you wrote on the chalkboard.
Warning: you will not be able to get back."
- Two burgers and two fries.
Thanks for choosingBurger Burger.
Oh, hey, Trent,how was the game?
Did you throwlike 600 touchdowns?
- Uh, yeah.Do I know you?
- Oh, Trent,you regular huckster.
We only haveevery other class together.
Remember that timein Social Justice
when we both reachedfor that pencil
and we touched hands and thensomething happened with my body?
- Excuse me, I'm tryingto order, troll.
I want a large fry,
and I don't want themtoo greasy,
so try to keepyour face away from them.
- One fry coming up.
- [evil laugh]
Do it, Sandy.
Not enough to kill,
just enough to make her pay.
- No, Sandy,this isn't how you were raised.
Turn the other cheek.
- I am so sick ofyour goody-goody horse shit.
Look at her!
If she doesn't cut some cornersonce in a while,
she is not going to make it!
- She's a late bloomer.
Sandy, it's just youand me here, okay?
Just poison the bitch.
- No, don't!You're above this.
- Ah, shut up!
- Did you just[bleep] touch me?
- Yeah. What areyou gonna do about it,
pray thatI say, "Sorry"?
- That's it!
- Aah!- No!
Why? Why? Why?
- [gasps]What have I done?
I don't deserve to live.
I'm sorry, Sandy.
I'm no angel!
- Hey, fries, troll! Fries!
That's it! That's all I ordered!
Where are my fries? She can't find it!
Where are my fries, troll?
- Good morning.
Nice to see you.
- Good morning, Doctor.
- Same to you, Nancy.
How's the family?- Thanks for asking.
- All right, let's seewho's up first here.
Oh, my.Well, I'd better get into it.
- Good luck, sir.
- [chuckles] Excuse me.- Ah, I'll clean it up.
- Acute renal failure.
- Is it serious, Doc?
- I thought we agreed you'd stayoff the caffeine, Bob.
- I need my coffeein the mornings.
- Well, I'm afraidyou have kidney disease,
and it's pretty far along.
- Oh, God.
What am I gonna tell Martha?
- You tell Marthathe truth.
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, Bob.
This is a serious operationwith a 50-50 survival rate,
but I'm the best in the game,
and I'm gonna give itall I've got.
- [sniffles]Thanks, Doc.
- Sorry about that.- No biggie.
[heart rate monitor beeps]
- Oh, hello there.Time for "Versus."
[heavy metal music]
[heart monitor beeps]
[orchestra tuning up]
[heavy metal music]- [shrieking]
[heart rate monitor beeping]
- Oh, Doctor, thank you.
How can we ever repay you?
- Saving lives is my reward.
- No pardons necessary, Doctor.
- Winner: hard workand the right tools.
- There goes my hero.