Bender's Big Score Pt. 3

  • Season 5, Ep 3
  • 03/23/2008

A flashback explores Fry's paradox duplicate as Leela finds love.

(theme music playing)

(blubbering)...Mission accomplished.

Fry is dead?

(sobbing):No other robot could've done it.

It took 12 yearsof tireless stalking,

but I hunted downand killed my best friend.

(sobbing):I'm the greatest!

(electrical zapping)

(computerized voice):Time code and obedience viruserased.

Huh?

(computerized voice):Also, 50 terabytes of porn.

Hey!

(cackles)... You've got no code,no porn, and you're ugly.

Let's dance!

♪ Nuh-nuh-nuh,nuh-nuh-nuh! ♪

♪ Nuh-nuh-nuh,nuh-nuh-nuh... ♪

(growls, spits)

♪ Nuh-nuh-nuh,nuh-nuh-nuh! ♪

♪ Nuh-nuh-nuh... ♪

(siren wails, horns honking)

Now it's true,we'll all miss Fry...

He was the only one of youwho never struck me!

...and we'll never seehis boyish smile

and hair horn again.

But I bet he went backto his own time.

I'm sure he was very happyand lived to a ripe old age.

He wasn't and he didn't!

(gasping, murmuring)

Struggling alone,against incredible odds,

I, Bender, managedto kill him.

(sobbing)

I blew him to mushlike a midget in a microwave.

(sobbing hysterically)

(disgusted murmurs)

Oh, don't blameyourself, Bender.

I don't blame myself.

I blame all of you!

Us?! How can youpossibly blame us?

It ain't easy.

It just proves how great I am.

(sobbing):Fry!

I'd give anythingto un-murder you!

Did someone call me?

No!

(gasps) Fry?

(excited murmurs)

(grunts)

But...I killed you in 2012.

Unless...(groans)

Nope, he's not a zombie.

(cheering)

Welcome back, Fry.

(bitterly):Thank you, Lars.

I, uh... I'llsee you later, honey.

So tell us, Fry,

if Bender killed youcenturies ago,

how in Satan's gloriousname did you return?

Oh, it's an astonishing taleof incredibleness.

It all beganwhen I went back in time...

Duh!

(harp plays)

(Seymour whimpers)

(pants happily)

Oh, hey, Mr. Panucci.

I'm back from that deliveryto the cryogenic lab.

Great, I'll put youon the cover

of Big Whoop Magazine.

Mmm, I'm starving.

Can I have a slice?

Help yourself.Cash up front.

This note is legal tender.(growling)

FRY: Unfortunately, I had no money from that era.

But that's when it hit me.

I knew where to findfree pizza.

(groans)

Ice-cold.

That's when it hit me again.

But an hour ago,this pizza's still lukewarm!

(unzipping)

"Zero-zero-one-one-zero..."

(harps plays)

(whooshing)

(zipping)

BENDER:Explosionin seven, six...

(babbling)(grunts)

(clicks, beeps)

It'll be a cold dayin hell, my friend.

Five... Hey, I'm supposed to bethe one saying cool things.

(zaps)

Nice kick, me.

Thanks. What areyou doing here?

One hour from now,I travel back in time

for free pizza.

But Nibbler said not to usethe time code.

Fine, Mr. Responsible,don't use the code.

(gulps)

Mmm! That pizza sure was good.

You pig.

Whatever.

That's when it hit me yet a third time.

You idiot!

Frozen me's still got a walletfull of old-timey money.

Yuck! I touched my own butt!

Whoa-oh!

(clicks, beeps)

(harp plays)

(timer dings)

(air hissing)

(groans)

(grunts)

(clicks, beeps)

(harps plays)

So I unfroze ten minutes ago,and I walked over here

and then it was now,

and then I don't knowwhat happened.

Well, I'm glad you're alive,

but I don't want people to sayI'm incompetent,

so I better kill you again.

Hold still.

Bender! Stop killingfor a minute!

The Fry you murderedwas doomed anyway.

(device bleeps)See?

What do you got there,numbers?

When the time codeduplicates a living thing,

the copy is always doomed.

And that includesflabby Jamaican pot-bellies.

Kiss my front-butt.

Huh. So my copy lived 12 yearsbefore Bender murdered him?

Brutally murdered.

I wonderwhat his life was like.

Hmm. I guesswe'll never know.

Or will we?

Nope.

ANNOUNCER:They won't know...

but you will.(harp plays)

Lucky you!

(panting happily)

Oh, hey, Mr. Panucci.

I'm back from that deliveryto the cryogenic lab.

I know. I read about itin Big Whoop Magazine.

So, um,my girlfriend kicked me out.

Can I rentthe upstairs storage room?

(furiously):The upstairs storage?!

(chuckles)

I like you, kid.

Your lousy life makes mefeel good about myself.

The room's yours.

Here, take some rat sprayfor the meatball hamper.

(spritzes)

♪ ♪

(Seymour barking happily)

(kisses)

♪ ♪

(squawks)

♪ ♪

(sobbing)

(sobbing hysterically)

Happy day, mon.Good to have you back.

Indeed, but the scammers willsoon sprunje the code again.

We must removethe time tattoo at once,

and as painlessly as possible.

(screaming, zapping)

Hurry! They're coming!

(fizzling, screams continuing)

There, the code is gone.

I saved the space-time continuumand 40% of your rectum.

Yeah!That's all you need.Yeah!

(grunts)

Oh! I sprunje code.

Too late, Nudar.I've wiped Fry's butt clean.

(sniffing)

We'll see about that.

(snorting, snuffling)

Nothing, boss.

We sprunjed his assinside and out.

The only informationwe found was

a hair shapedlike the number six.

Gimme that!

(chews, groans)

Nine. All right,let 'em go.

I guess the time codereally is gone.

Thank God.

The present may stink,

but at least we now can lookforward to a better yesterday.

(harp plays)

I'm sorry, Leela,

but I can't keepliving in the past...

by which I meanthe future.

I'll always love you,

but I've got to move onand find my life's purpose.

...and that's howBungles the monkey

finally found a friend.

I miss Morbo.

And finally tonighton the Late Cute Animal News,

a story that will reallytug your heartstrings,

way more than Bungles,the doll-raping monkey.

It's the tale of lonely Leelu,the little orphan narwhal.

Aw!

Leelu is a rare toothed,female narwhal

who got disorientedand washed up in Atlantic City,

as we all do from time to time.

But without a mother,she's lost the will to eat.

Come on. Take a sip.(moans)

I know howto make things eat.

Maybe this ismy purpose in life.

Hi, I'd like to apply for a jobworking with Leelu.

Question number one:

Do you have any experienceworking with marine mammals?

No, but I thinkthey're pretty neat.

That answersquestion number two.

Question number three:

Do you know where the door is,

or do you preferto be kicked out?

I don't know...I guess kicked out.

(grunting happily)

Hiya, girl!

My name's Fry,and I think you're a cutie,

'cause I like thingsthat have only one thing

instead of two things.

(slurps)

Holy mackerel!

She's eating whole mackerel.

If you'll workfor minimum wage,

you can start tomorrow.

If I work for less than minimum,can I start today?

I don't see why not.

(harp plays)

MORBO:In business news, the weak

and gullible inhabitantsof Earth

were plungedinto economic depression today

as the scammer aliens finishedstealing every item of value.

(static crackles)

Tough times, Earth chumps.

We're repossessing your TV.

Seems you can't afford itnow that you're unemployed.

We're not unemploy...

(doors thud shut)

I love the Head Museumat night.

It's where I cometo be alone.

HUNDREDS OF HEADS:Hi, Lars!

I trust you brought

some haute cuisinefor an old Frenchman?

Your favorite, General,Torgo's Executive Powder.

(gulping)

Mmm! Magnifique!

Come on, Leela, let me show youthe Hall of Screaming Skulls.

(reaming)

It's so romantic.

(crying)

What's wrong?

Is the screamingdepressing you?

It's just... my lifeis changing so fast.

I don't knowwho I am anymore.

I know who you are.

You're the woman I've beenwaiting for all my life.

(screaming continues)

(passionate moaning)

Let's go to my place.

(crickets chirping)

I like what you'vedone with it.

"All tenants evicted"?

"Signed,New Owners"?

That would be us,Dumpcakes.

We're buying the whole city

and turning it into a privatepanda hunting reserve.

Nuh-nuh-nuh!

There aren't any pandasin New New York.

Back it up, Sal!

(horn beeping)

(fire crackling)

Look at us,

living like trash-eatingbums in an alley now.

Yes, now.

And on Xmas eve,

the most wonderfulnight of the...

(grunts)Oops.

(sputtered grunting)

(gasps):Santa!

Ah...

the Planet Express crew.

According to my list,

you've all beenvery naughty.(Bender mimicking Santa)

That's it, I don't see howthings could get any worse.

We could sing.

I'd rather kill myself.

Why not do both?

Oh... very well.

(strained grunting)

♪ I may as well jump ♪

♪ Those sleazy naked scammers ♪

♪ Made me look like a chump ♪NUDAR:Nuh!

♪ They robbed me of my dignityand most of my stuff ♪

♪ Lars brought me candy ♪

ALL:♪ Cram it down,and shut the hell up ♪

♪ I can't compete with that ♪

♪ He's Barbados Slim ♪(LaBarbara giggling)

♪ And I'm Jamaican Fat ♪

♪ Who would choosea backwards corpse ♪

♪ With lice in his hair? ♪

♪ Lars says I'm dreamy ♪

ALL:♪ Who the hell cares? ♪

♪ Oh, won't somebodyshoot her, please ♪

♪ And put herout of our misery? ♪

That's my cue.

(panicked screaming)

(guns trilling)

(gasping)

(screams)

(humming)

Oh, my word.

(gunshots)

♪ Lars makes me puke ♪

♪ I bet she'd love me, too,if I was a baldheaded kook ♪

Hey, guess what, guys?

What?

♪ While we werehuddled in fear ♪

♪ Lars popped the question ♪

Congratulations!

Mazel tov!

May stars in heavenbless your love!

♪ I think I'm gonna cry,'cause it's an extra happy ♪

♪ Xmas this year. ♪(Tinny Tim cries out)

Now could things get any worse?

Ho, ho, ho!

(ticking, panicked screaming)

(screaming continues)

Stop screaming.

That's just what the bombwants uso do.

I say do what it tells us.

(screaming hysterically)

A bomb in a caseis just like a head in a jar.

(ticking continues)

(ticking stops)

(cheering)

Oh, Lars,not blowing us up

makes me love youeven more.

Lifesaving goody-goody.

Well, now that death has beenstaved off momentarily,

let me be the first to say

congratulations,Leela and Lars.

(cheering)

Maid of honor!Maid of honor!

Oh...

Oh, that's wonderful.I'm so happy.

I could makeyou happy, too,

if only you'dgive me a chance.

(harp music playing)

(grunting)

En garde!

(laughing)

♪ ♪

(burbling)

You've donea wonderful job, Fry.

When you first started,

I thought she'd be deadwithin a narweek,

which is six days,I believe.

Nah, Leelu's a champ.

She just needed someoneto show her how to eat.

(gobbling)

Now that's the kindof whale behavioral science

they don't teach you in whalebehavioral science class.

So what's up, Dr. Shlivinowitz?

This is a little hardfor me to say, Fry.

You see, it's...

it's time we released Leeluback into the wild.

(coughs)

I'm sorry,but the decision is final.

Plus, we need the tankfor the Loch Ness Monster.

But that turned out to be a log

with a Halloween maskstapled to it.

Yes, well,it still draws a crowd.

(sniffles):I can't let this happen.

She'll never be happywithout me.

I know you're brokeand homeless,

but you still wanta swank wedding reception,

so I whipped you up somereal nice budget appetizers.

Mmm.

I can keep these down.

Okay. That's a big yeson the crud puffs.

Try the shlimp cocktail.

There must be some wayI can stop this wedding.

What if I stealthe wedding ring?

Already taken care of.

You think that will be enoughto stop the ceremony?

Nope. I pulledthe ol' switcheroo,

so they won't evenknow the difference.

Wait a minute.

I think the copy I madeactually cost more than this!

Cheap lousy Lars.

Actually,this is extremely nice.

But I really went all-outon the copy.

It was sort of my gift to them.

(sniffles):I can't let this happen.

She'll never be happywithout me.

(ship horn blasts)

It's not fair.

We need each other.

Fry, you dumb sack.

I don't care aboutyour problems at all.

(coughing)

You need your blanket,Mr. Panucci.

I don't evenwant to be here.

I only came 'causeyou wheeled me.

But if that narwhalmeans so much to you,

you got to do something.

I know, but I can't justgo chasing after her.

That would be nuts.

Sometimes you gottabe a little nuts.

Let me introduceyou to my cousin.

He owns a small freighter.

That's him right behind us.

Maybe you're right.

Sir, I'd like to engage yourship for a trans-Arctic voyage

to capture a narwhaland bring it back to my room.

The man is nuts, Leroy.

Professional whalekeeper, eh?

I've carried your type before,and we don't get along.

Oh, I agree with your valuesand your goals and your methods,

but, somehow, we just neverclick on a personal level.

I'm not a professional anymore.

Just a narwhal-lovingprivate citizen.

Then I'm your man.

We'll take on threebarrels of fresh sausage

and sail at dawn.

(harp music playing)

Welcome to the wedding!

It's a foolproof plan.

They can't signthe wedding license

if I give them a penwith no ink.

(snickering)

Oy vey.

Go on now, mon.

Don't you know nothin' aboutzippin' up a woman's frock?

It's more my thingto zip 'em down.

(hearty laughter)

Get your clumsy, muscularhands off my woman, Barbados.

Hermes! Your body!

I always saidyou were a little backward.

Well, I always saidyou were a little forward...

with my wife!

(all oohing)

Consider yourselfbird-dogged.

That's my man!

Take a boat, Barbados.

(muttering)

(tapping)

("Wedding March" playing)

(Nibbler squeaking happily)

MUNDA:Our little girlis finally getting married.

And to a normal two-eyed human.

Eh, he's not goodenough for her.

Leela deserves a guywith a dozen eyes.

Quit trying to fix her upwith Fly Mutant.

(buzzing and slurping)

Dearly liked,

we are gathered here beforeone or more gods, or fewer,

to join this couplein pretty good matrimony.

If anyone objects to this union,

let them speak nowor forever hold their peace,

or do something else.

(snickers)

(harp playing)

It's been two years, Fry.

We've caught 108 narwhalsand set them all free again.

None of them were Leelu.

But all of them were edible.

Can we at least eat that one?

I'm sick of sausage.

(gasps)

I'd know that modifiedextended tooth anywhere.

To the boats!

Leelu!

Leelu, it's me! Fry!

(barking happily)

Oh, I missed you, too, Leelu.

But we'll never be apart again.

Fire!

Now if the couple willsign the wedding license.

Hmm?(cries out)

(high-pitched yell)

(shocked gasps)

(crystal clinking)

(shocked screams)

(electrical zapping)

(screaming)

I warned him!

I warned him a time paradoxduplicate is always doomed.

Wh-what?

No, my man.

He's essentially dead again.

Relax, ma'am.

Your husband'soriginal body

will be repairedwithin one week.

Nuh-uh, not soon enough.

Boy needs a daddy.

Cruel runnings, mon.

(hearty laughter)

DR. CAHILL:Whoopsie-doopsie, poopsie.

Well, let's get onwith it.

Don't let my doomed bodyand my doomed marriage

stand in the wayof your happiness.

No, it's not right.

We don't wantour happy day tainted

by misfortuneand tragedy, do we?

I'm okay with it.

No, it's not right.

The wedding is off.

(shocked gasping)

Oh, my goodness!

(snickering)

Finally, a happy ending.

(sobbing)

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