CC Presents: Eddie Brill

  • Season 7, Ep 18
  • 06/12/2003

Eddie Brill: THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU.

YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.

THANK YOU.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME,

AND YOU'RE CHEERING LIKE CRAZY.

LOOK AT YOU PEOPLE.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING

IT'S REALLY GREAT THAT WE'RE

DOING THIS SHOW IN NEW YORK CITY

BECAUSE NEW YORK CITY IS

THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD.

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE--

[CHEERING]

HEY, IT REALLY IS.

[APPLAUSE]

AND I DIDN'T SAY IT JUST TO GET

YOUR APPLAUSE, BECAUSE WE KNOW

IT.

AND YOU KNOW, THE REST OF

THE WORLD HATED NEW YORK CITY

BEFORE SEPTEMBER 11th.

I MEAN, BEFORE SEPTEMBER 11th,

PEOPLE THOUGHT IT WAS NYPD BLUE,

24 HOURS A DAY.

AND THEY JUST HATED US.

THEY WOULDN'T WATCH

THE METS/YANKEES WORLD SERIES

BECAUSE THEY HATED NEW YORK

CITY.

THEY WOULDN'T WATCH IT,

THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN,

SEPTEMBER 11th, THEY SAW HOW

COOL WE WERE, LIKE

HEY, NEW YORK'S GREAT.

THEY'RE WEARING "I LOVE

NEW YORK" BUTTONS.

WELL, SCREW YOU.

WE WERE GREAT THE WHOLE TIME,

ALL RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, WE ROCK!

IT'S A GREAT CITY.

WE DO.

IT'S A GREAT CITY.

NEW YORKERS, WE LOVE NEW YORK

CITY.

BUT WE CAN'T STAY HERE

365 DAYS A YEAR.

IN ORDER TO APPRECIATE HOW GREAT

NEW YORK CITY IS WE HAVE TO TAKE

A VACATION.

BUT EVERY NEW YORKER MAKES

THE SAME MISTAKE.

WE TAKE A 10-DAY VACATION.

IT'S THE WORST THING WE CAN EVER

DO.

YOU TAKE A 4-DAY VACATION.

IF YOU GET 10, TAKE 6

IN NEW YORK, 4 ON THE ROAD

BECAUSE NEW YORKERS CAN'T LAST

OUT OF NEW YORK CITY FOR MORE

THAN 4 DAYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S TRUE.

BUT YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF

THE CITY.

YOU GO TO COLORADO OR SOME

ANTITHESIS PLACE--

SOME REALLY BEAUTIFUL PLACE.

YOU ALWAYS SEE THE NEW YORKERS

AT THE AIRPORT.

THE WHOLE FAMILY'S ALL DRESSED

IN BLACK, BECAUSE THAT'S OUR

SCHOOL COLORS, AND--

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WE HAVE TO WEAR THAT.

AND THE FATHER, AND THE MOTHER,

AND THE KIDS, ARE LIKE, "HEY,

HONEY, ISN'T THIS BEAU-TEE-FUL

HERE IN COLORADO WITH TREES

AND JUNK, AND IT'S LOVELY."

I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY,

BUT I COULD LIVE HERE.

RIGHT.

THEN, THE SECOND DAY,

PEOPLE ARE WALKING AROUND GOING,

"HAVE A NICE DAY,"

WHICH YOU KNOW THEY DON'T MEAN

FOR A SECOND, OF COURSE.

AND YOU KNOW THE WATER'S

NOT THAT GREAT.

SO THEY DON'T HAVE GOOD PIZZA

OR BAGELS.

AND THEN YOU LOOK AT

THE SPORTS SCORE, IT'S LIKE

PITTSBURGH, 2 AND THAT'S IT,

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE THE

OTHER HALF, WHICH REALLY

HAPPENED TO ME ONCE ON THE ROAD.

AND THEN, THE THIRD DAY,

SOMEONE TAKES A HALF-HOUR TO

GIVE YOU CHANGE OF A $20 BILL.

IT'S LIKE, "GET ME FRICKIN'

HOME!"

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S JUST LIKE WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

[APPLAUSE]

HERE'S SOMETHING INTERESTING

ABOUT NEW YORK CITY.

WE HAVE ONE ELECTRIC COMPANY

IN NEW YORK CITY.

THEY'RE CALLED CON EDISON.

THEY'RE OUR ONLY ELECTRIC

COMPANY.

YET, THEY ADVERTISE ON

TELEVISION.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING

ABOUT?

OUR BILLS ARE MORE EXPENSIVE

BECAUSE WE PAY FOR THEM TO

ADVERTISE.

WHAT COULD THEY POSSIBLY SAY

IN A COMMERCIAL THAT WOULD MAKE

ANY DIFFERENCE TO US?

HI.

WE'RE CON EDISON.

SORRY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

CON EDISON.

IT'S EITHER US, OR RUBBING

TWO STICKS TOGETHER.

CON EDISON.

♪ YOU HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE ♪

♪ BAW! ♪

[LAUGHTER]

THE POST OFFICE ADVERTISES

STAMPS ON TELEVISION.

STAMPS.

WE HAVE COMMERCIALS

THAT ACTUALLY GO,

"BUY U.S. POSTAGE STAMPS."

ALL RIGHT, NOW MAYBE IT'S JUST

ME.

BUT MY WHOLE LIFE ALL I'VE EVER

BOUGHT WAS U.S. POSTAGE STAMPS!

BECAUSE WHEN YOU TRY

SCOTCH TAPING 37 PENNIES

TO THE ENVELOPE, IT NEVER GETS

THERE.

BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU PUT

A PENNY ON THE ENVELOPE,

IT WEIGHS MORE THEN YOU GOTTA

PUT ANOTHER PENNY, ON,

THEN IT WEIGHS MORE.

ANOTHER PENNY AND YOU CAN NEVER

WIN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, WHAT'S VERY

INTERESTING ABOUT NEW YORK CITY,

THROUGH ALL THE GOOD TIMES

AND ALL THE BAD TIMES

OF NEW YORK CITY, THERE'S ONE

THING THAT'LL NEVER CHANGE.

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE

CONSTRUCTION OF THE

BROOKLYN/QUEENS EXPRESSWAY.

OUR WHOLE LIVES, RIGHT?

NEW YORKERS KNOW THAT.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE WE PAY THEM BY THE HOUR,

THAT'S WHY BECAUSE YOU'VE BE AN

IDIOT TO FINISH THE JOB EARLY.

YOU'RE GETTING $40 AN HOUR

TO WAVE AN ORANGE FLAG, YOU'RE

NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THAT JOB

LAST FOREVER.

IF YOU DIDN'T PAY THEM

BY THE JOB, THEY WOULD BE--

IT WOULD BE OVER IT TWO WEEKS.

WHAT A GREAT GIG, HUH?

YOU NEVER SEE ADS FOR THAT.

I WOULD JOIN UP FOR THAT JOB.

"LOOKING FOR STRONG MEN,

OUT-STANDING-PAY,

EAT AND TAN WHILE YOU WORK.

MUST BE ABLE TO HAVE NEVER

FINISHED ANYTHING YOU'VE STARTED

IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE A VERY, VERY LITTLE

GRANDMA THAT LIVES RIGHT OFF

THE BQE.

THAT'S HOW I KNOW ABOUT THE BQE.

MY GRANDMA'S 4'9".

YOU CAN PICK HER UP IN YOUR

HAND, SHE'S SO TINY.

IT'S LIKE, "HI, GRANDMA,

HOW YOU DOIN'?

NOW GO FINISH COOKING."

[BLOWS]

SHE WEARS BIG DRESSES.

SHE FLOATS.

I WOULDN'T HURT HER.

BUT I'LL NEVER FORGET THE NIGHT

I THOUGHT SHE WAS EVIL.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU'RE A

LITTLE CHILD, YOU REALIZE

FOR THE VERY FIRS TIME YOUR

GRANDMOTHER WEARS FALSE TEETH?

REMEMBER WHAT A SHOCK THAT IS?

AND THERE'S TWO SHOCKS.

THE FIRST SHOCK IS WHEN YOU

SEE THE TEETH IN THE GLASS.

THE SECOND SHOCK, IS WHEN

YOU REALIZE THOSE TEETH

ARE NOT IN HER MOUTH.

IT'S LIKE HMMM, TEETH.

AAAHAHH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER, EDDIE?

AAAAHHH!

YOU'RE LIKE IN GRANDMA HELL.

YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE.

YOU'RE LOOKING IN YOUR

TORTELLINI FOR EARS.

AAAAHHH!

IT'S SCARY.

I GOT YOUR NOSE.

NO YOU DON'T, GRANDMA,

LEAVE MY NOSE ALONE.

YOU'RE COMIN' APART, NOT ME.

[LAUGHTER]

MY SISTER WAS THE SMART ONE.

SHE TOOK THE DENTURES,

STUCK IT UNDER HER PILLOW.

GOT A MOTORBIKE THE NEXT DAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH, THANK YOU.

I GREW UP WITH MY GRANDPARENTS

IN THE HOUSE.

HOW MANY PEOPLE GREW UP WITH

YOUR GRANDPARENTS IN THE HOUSE?

APPLAUD IF YOU GROWN UP WITH

YOUR GRANDPARENTS.

NOT MANY.

BUT IT'S THE GREATEST THING

IN THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW WHY?

THEY'RE YOUR BEST FRIENDS

GROWING UP.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE THEY WANT TO GET BACK AT

THEIR KIDS FOR SCREWING UP THEIR

LIVES.

SO, THEY'RE YOUR BEST FRIENDS.

"YOU KNOW, GRANDMA, DADDY'S

YELLING AT ME."

"OH, YEAH?

WELL, TELL HIM HE USED TO PEE IN

HIS BED 'TIL HE WAS 12.

SEE IF HE YELLS A YOU NOW."

IT'S LIKE, "HEY, THANKS."

VERY, VERY INTERESTING.

I WAS RECENTLY IN

WASHINGTON D.C., AND I SAW

TED KENNEDY WALKING AROUND.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S INTERESTING

ABOUT THAT?

HE'S THE ONLY KENNEDY WALKING

AROUND.

THAT'S WHAT I REALIZED.

I KNOW IT'S LIKE SOME OF YOU

ARE LIKE--

[LAUGHS]

BECAUSE YOU'RE NERVOUS.

BUT YOU KNOW, I BELIEVE IN

BAD KARMA.

NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE

VERY YOUNG HERE.

AND YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW

THAT I BE--

YOU KNOW, NOT THAT YOU

DON'T KNOW THAT I BELIEVE IN

BAD KARMA.

I'VE TOLD YOU, SO YOU KNOW THAT.

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT

JOSEPH KENNEDY, THE FATHER OF

ALL THE KENNEDYS WAS REALLY

KIND OF A BOOTLEGGER,

AND EXTORTED MONEY FROM PEOPLE

DURING THE DEPRESSION.

AND I THINK, AND I'M NOT SURE,

BUT YOU KNOW, MAYBE BAD THINGS

HAVE HAPPENED TO HIS KIDS

BECAUSE OF THAT, EVERY ONE OF

HIS KIDS EXCEPT TEDDY.

AND TEDDY HAS BEEN IN MANY

ACCIDENTS.

BUT THAT PROVES THAT THE DRUNK

WALKS AWAY FROM THE ACCIDENT.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THAT'S

ABOUT.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S BEEN IN ACCIDENTS.

HE HAD A PLANE CRASH A BUNCH

OF YEARS AGO IN COLORADO.

LIKE-- SMASH.

HE'S LIKE-- GODDANG MOUNTAIN.

HE LIKE WIPES IT OFF LIKE

IT'S NOTHING.

HE DROVE HIS CAR INTO A LAKE.

THE GIRL DROWNS, HE'S LIKE--

"I GOT WATER IN MY EARS."

HE'S ROBO-KENNEDY.

YOU CAN'T KILL THAT GUY.

AND THAT'S ONE OF THE ONES

YOU DON'T WANT TO LAUGH.

BUT YOU'RE LAUGHING AT IT,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S TRUE.

AND YOU CAN TELL THAT HE'S

DRUNK.

YOU KNOW HOW?

HIS NAME IS EDWARD KENNEDY.

YET, HE CALLED HIMSELF "TEDDY."

HE'S SO HAMMERED HE THINKS

HIS NAME IS THEODORE.

HE'S EDDIE KENNEDY.

"NO, I'M TEDDY."

"NO, YOU'RE HAMMERED.

PUT THE DRINK DOWN.

YOU CAN'T BE TEDDY.

YOUR NAME'S NOT TEDWARD.

IT'S EDWARD.

YOU CAN'T TAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S

NICKNAMES BECAUSE YOU'RE DRUNK.

OR RICH."

HIS OLDER BROTHER HAD

AN ODD REQUEST.

MY NAME IS JOHN, BUT YOU CAN

CALL ME JACK FOR SHORT.

FOR SHORT?

IT'S THE SAME FOUR LETTERS.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS

DRINKIN' UP THERE.

IF YOUR NAME IS JACKSON,

YOU GET JACK.

I CAN'T TAKE JACK IF YOUR NAME

IS JOHN.

IF YOUR NAME IS JOHN,

YOU GET JOHNNY, AND THAT'S WHAT

YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH.

WOMEN DO THAT, TOO.

MY NAMES, MARGARET,

BUT YOU CAN CALL ME PEG.

I'M NOT GONNA CALL YOU PEG.

I HAVE HALF A LEG.

I'LL CALL YOU PEG.

OTHER THAN THAT, YOU'RE MARGIE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT ARE YOU A PIRATE

ALL OF A SUDDEN?

SHIVER ME TIMBERS, MARGIE.

AND HERE'S THE WEIRDEST ONE.

IF YOUR NAME IS RICHARD...

WHY?

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO

YOURSELF?

YOUR NAME'S NOT DICKARD.

YOUR NAME IS RICHARD.

THERE'S NO REASON TO GIVE

YOURSELF A PHALLIC NAME.

YOU HAVE SO MANY CHOICES.

YOU CAN BE RICK.

YOU CAN BE RICH.

I'D RATHER BE CALLED CHARD

THAN TO BE CALLED DICK.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

TO YOURSELF?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOBODY ELSE DOES THAT.

MY NAME'S CARL,

BUT YOU CAN CALL ME (BLEEP).

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I KNOW I'M CARL,

BUT I PREFER (BLEEP).

WELL, WE PREFER CARL.

HERE'S SOMETHING

VERY INTERESTING FOR YOU.

WHY DO LITTLE CHILDREN SING

WHEN THEY TEASE EACH OTHER?

THEY THINK IT MAKES IT WORSE.

♪ I'M TELLING JOEY'S MOTHER ♪

♪ I'M TELLING JOEY'S MOTHER ♪

THE MORE THEY WANT TO PISS

YOU OFF, THE MORE THEY MODULATE.

♪ I'M TELLING JOEY'S MOTHER ♪

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE THE HIGHER THE NOTE,

THE MORE YOU'RE GONNA BE ANGRY.

♪ I'M TELLING!-- ♪

IT'S LIKE TELL MY MOTHER, SHE

HATES YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY.

IT'S NOT GONNA DO YOU ANY GOOD.

BUT HOW DID THAT EVER START?

MY FRIENDS NEVER SAID,

"EH, EDDIE, GO TO SCHOOL, AND

MAKE FUN OF JOEY AND HIS MOTHER,

AND SING IT, SING IT, SING IT."

OR WE NEVER GOT TOGETHER--

♪ JOEY, JOEY'S MOTHER, ♪

♪ JOEY'S MOTHER ♪

HAS TO GO BACK IN TIME,

MAYBE THE TIME OF THE GREEKS.

♪ CAESER WEARS A TOGA ♪

OR THE TIME OF JESUS.

♪ JOSEPH'S NOT YOUR REAL DAD ♪

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE HE WASN'T

HIS REAL DAD, AND THE KIDS WOULD

DO THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Eddie Brill: IT'S VERY HARD

TO TALK ABOUT RELIGION IN THIS

COUNTRY.

WE SHOULD.

RELIGION SHOULD BE ABOUT LOVE

AND NOT FEAR.

AND THERE'S TOO MUCH FEAR

IN THE WORLD.

THERE'S TOO MUCH CONFUSION

ABOUT RELIGION IN THE WORLD.

RELIGION IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AND RELIGIOUS LEADERS HAVE BEEN

CONFUSING US LATELY.

IT'S REALLY BEEN HORRIBLE.

LIKE, RELIGIOUS LEADERS TELL US

IF WE DO GOOD THINGS,

WE GO TO HEAVEN, RIGHT?

AND THEN, SOME OF THEM DO

BAD THINGS.

AND IT MAKES ME THINK,

"MAYBE HELL'S THE COOLER PLACE,

AND THEY'RE HOLDIN' OUT ON US."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BECAUSE THEY PUSH HEAVEN

LIKE CRAZY.

IT MAKES YOU THINK.

REMEMBER, GROWING UP,

WE DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT

HEAVEN LOOKED LIKE, IT WAS

CARTOONS IN A BOOK.

RIGHT, THERE'S A PICTURE

OF A LONG TABLE WITH FOOD,

AND ANGELS PLAYING HARPS.

AND THEN, HELL, THEY NEVER

SHOWED YOU MUCH.

THEY SHOWED YOU ONE PICTURE,

THE BOILER ROOM.

MAYBE THAT'S THE BOILER ROOM

TO THE FIVE-STAR HOTEL AND

CASINO WHERE ALL THE PRIESTS

ARE GAMBLING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

PEOPLE PUSHING EACH OTHER,

"WATCH IT, BUDDY.

WATCH IT.

YOU GO TO HEAVEN."

NO, "YOU GO TO HEAVEN."

I GREW UP IN A HOUSE WHERE THERE

WAS MORE THAN ONE RELIGION.

AND THAT MADE MY LIFE TERRIFIC,

BECAUSE WE LEARNED TO RESPECT

EACH OTHER'S RELIGION.

AND THAT'S WHY THERE'S PROBLEMS

IN THE WORLD TODAY.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S FIGHTING

IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

THAT'S WHY THERE WAS FIGHTING

IN NORTHERN IRELAND.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S FIGHTING

IN OUR OWN COUNTRY.

BECAUSE WE DO NOT RESPECT

EACH OTHER'S RELIGION.

AND WE HAVE TO, BECAUSE WE DON'T

KNOW WHICH ONE IS RIGHT.

[APPLAUSE]

WE DON'T.

THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS THEATER

WHO BELIEVE IN JESUS, AND THERE

ARE PEOPLE IN THIS THEATER

WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN JESUS.

AND THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE

THAT BELIEVE IN ALLAH.

AND THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE

WHO BELIEVE IN MOHAMMED.

AND THERE'S SOME GUY RIGHT NOW

IN TIMES SQUARE AND 42nd STREET

WITH A BULLHORN GOING,

"GOD'S A GOLFCLUB.

GOD'S A GOLF CLUB."

AND WE LAUGH AT THAT GUY.

BUT WHAT IF WE GET TO THE

AFTERLIFE AND GOD'S A NINE-IRON.

IT'S LIKE, BULL-HORN JOHNNY

WAS RIGHT.

I COULD HAVE SLEPT IN

ALL THOSE SUNDAYS.

AND NO WONDER WHY TIGER WOODS

IS SO GREAT.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IF WE GET TO HEAVEN

AND GOD'S A GOLF CLUB.

AND "GOD, YOU'RE A GOLF CLUB.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE US A SIGN."

HE'S LIKE, "GIVE YOU A SIGN,

I PUT A GUY IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE BUSIEST INTERSECTION ON

THE PLANET WITH A BULL HORN.

WAS THAT TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, BUT HE SMELLED LIKE URINE.

WELL, THAT WAS HIS IDEA.

HE THOUGHT IT WOULD BRING

ATTENTION TO HIMSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M A BIG HOCKEY FAN.

A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY

ARE NOT BIG HOCKEY FANS

BECAUSE--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, SOME PEOPLE ARE.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S POORLY MARKETING

AND MARKETING IS EVERYTHING.

YOU CAN SELL THE BACK STREET

BOYS IF YOU'RE A GOOD MARKETER.

YOU CAN-- THAT'S WHY--

THESE PEOPLE ARE JUST

CORPORATE CRAP.

AND YOU BUY THE BACK STREET BOYS

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BUY

THE LUNCH BOX AND ALL THE CRAP

THAT COMES WITH IT.

THAT'S WHAT OUR COUNTRY'S ABOUT.

AND IT'S ALL ABOUT MARKETING.

AND HOCKEY IS REALLY, REALLY

POOR WHEN IT COMES TO MARKETING.

BECAUSE 3 AND-HALF SEASONS AGO,

AND WHEN THIS AIRS, IT MIGHT BE

6 SEASONS AGO.

HOCKEY WAS THE ONLY GAME

IN TOWN, BECAUSE BASKETBALL

WENT ON STRIKE.

AND THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING

ABOUT IT.

IT'S THE BEST SPORT TO SEE LIVE.

IT IS A SEXUAL EXPERIENCE

TO GO TO A HOCKEY GAME.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE PART OF A GOOD

HOCKEY CROWD, YOU'RE PART

OF 18,000 PEOPLE READY TO HAVE

A SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM WHEN THAT

PUCK GOES IN THE NET,

BECAUSE PEOPLE FOLLOW THIS PUCK

WITH SUCH PASSION ACROSS

THE ICE, AND WHEN THE GOALTENDER

MAKES A SAVE, IT'S LIKE--

HA-HA-HA-AAHHHH!

18,000 PEOPLE AT ONCE GOING...

HA-HA-HA-AAHHHH!

ESPECIALLY WHEN THE GOALTENDER

MAKES LIKE THREE SAVES IN A ROW,

IT'S LIKE...

HA-HA-HA-AAHHHH!

SCORE!

AND THEN, YOU'RE LIKE--

[WHEW] ALL RIGHT.

LIGHTS GO OFF, SIRENS.

[APPLAUSE]

IT'S LIKE HAVING SEX WITH

18,000 OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS.

AND HOCKEY PLAYERS COME FROM

ALL OVER THE WORLD.

THAT WAS ONE OF THE FIRST SPORTS

TO BE INTERNATIONAL.

THERE'S A LOT OF GREAT NAMES--

A RUSSIAN GOALTENDER PLAYS FOR

TAMPA BAY.

NIKOLAI HAVEBULIN.

HAVEBULIN SPELLED K--

WHERE'S THE 'K' IN HAVEBULIN?

RUSSIAN GUYS, GIVE THEM

15 LETTERS IN A NAME,

PICK SIX AND PRONOUNCE THEM.

YOU CHOOSE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S A GREAT TERM

IN HOCKEY?

"SHOTS ON GOAL."

WHICH LITERALLY MEANS

"HOW MANY SHOTS YOU TAKE

AS A GOALTENDER AS A TEAM."

BUT IF IT'S SAID QUICK ENOUGH,

IT SOUNDS LIKE A DISH YOU ORDER

AT AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT.

YEAH, MY WIFE WILL HAVE A PLATE

OF FUSILLI...SHOTS ON GOAL.

A LITTLE GARLIC ON MY

SHOTS ON GOAL.

BUT 62 PERCENT OF THE GUYS

IN THE NHL ARE FRENCH-CANADIAN,

AND HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

NAMES IN THE WORLD, BUT WEIRDLY

PRONOUNCED.

GOALTENDER FOR COLORADO,

PATRICK WAH.

WAH SPELLED R-O-Y.

WAH?

YOUR NAME IS ROY, PAL.

CUT THE CRAP, ALL RIGHT?

NO, MY NAME IS WAH.

IT'S LIKE DO YOU SAY GIRL,

AND BWAH?

ONE OF THE WEIRDEST NAMES

EVER PRONOUNCED IN HOCKEY,

ONE OF THE GREATEST GOALTENDERS

TO EVER PLAY THE GAME,

PLAYED MOST OF HIS CAREER IN

PHILADELPHIA.

A GUY NAMED BERNIE PERON.

BUT SPELLED PARENT.

BUT THE FRENCH DO THAT.

THEY MAKE "ENT" SILENT

IN ALL THEIR WORDS.

THE WORDS SOUND COOL.

PERON!

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF YOU

COULD DO THAT IN ENGLISH,

MAKE WORDS SOUND PRETTIER, LIKE,

"I HIT MY HEAD ON THE PAVEMON."

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVE GOT GRANDMA LOCKED

IN THE BASEMON.

EVEN BOWEL MOVEMONT KIND

OF SOUNDS PRETTY, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

SO, I'M VISITING THE WASHINGTON

MONUMON.

AND I LOCKED MY KEYS

IN MY GLOVE COMPARMON.

AND ALL THE MONEY'S IN THERE

FOR MY APPEMON.

AND NOW, I CANNOT PAY MY RON."

Eddie Brill: ONE THING ABOUT

ENGLISH SPEAKING PEOPLE,

WE'RE THE MOST ARROGANT PEOPLE

IN THE WORLD AND THE REASON WHY,

IS BECAUSE WE THINK WE RUN

THE WORLD.

AND WE DO.

BUT WE'RE SO ARROGANT

THAT WE CHANGE THE NAMES

OF OTHER PEOPLE'S COUNTRIES

FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

THERE'S A COUNTRY IN EUROPE,

VERY BEAUTIFUL, COUNTRY WITH A

BEAUTIFUL NAME, CALLED ESPAÑA.

I'VE BEEN THERE.

IT'S GORGEOUS.

IT'S CALLED ESPAÑA.

BUT WE DON'T CALL THEM THAT.

WE GAVE THEM A NAME.

WHAT DO WE CALL THEM?

Audience: SPAIN.

Eddie Brill: SPAIN.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?

THAT'S NOT THEIR NAME.

WHO WENT OVER AND SAID,

"HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

ESPAÑA?

THAT'S A HORRIBLE NAME.

THAT DOESN'T RHYME WITH

ANYTHING.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA HAVE A SONG

FOR YOUR COUNTRY?

ALL YOU GOT IS I'M TONYA

FROM ESPAÑA.

THEN YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK, PAL.

FROM NOW ON YOU'RE SPAIN.

PLAIN, MAIN, RAIN.

I GOT A WHOLE MUSICAL

I'M WORKING OUT FOR YOU.

WE DON'T HAVE ONE OF THOSE

SQUIGGLY THINGS ON OUR

TYPEWRITER.

YOU'RE SPAIN, FROM NOW ON.

YOU DON'T CHANGE THEIR NAME.

MY NAME'S EDDIE.

YOU CALL ME TIMMY,

I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS.

WE CHANGED THEIR NAME.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE HARDEST

LANGUAGE TO LEARN IN THE WHOLE

WORLD IS?

ENGLISH.

AMERICAN ENGLISH.

Audience Member: EBONICS.

Eddie Brill: THERE YOU GO.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WASN'T HARD FOR ME.

I'VE BEEN USING EBONICS

THE WHOLE TIME.

BUT IT'S TRUE.

ENGLISH IS THE HARDEST LANGUAGE

IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,

I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.

WE HAVE TO TAKE ENGLISH

IN SCHOOL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE MAJOR IN ENGLISH

IN COLLEGE.

IT'S LIKE, AREN'T YOU FROM HERE?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, BUT I REALLY WANT TO LEARN

IT GOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, I MEAN, WELL.

OR, IS IT GOOD?

IT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD.

YOU KNOW I JUST--

YOU CANNOT LEARN ENGLISH.

YOU CAN ONLY MEMORIZE IT BECAUSE

THE RULES ARE RIDICULOUS.

'I' BEFORE 'E', EXCEPT AFTER

'C', WITH THE EXCEPTION OF WORDS

THAT RHYME WITH NEIGHBOR AND

WEIGH.

EXCUSE ME, TEACHER, WHAT ABOUT

LEISURE AND SEIZURE.

ALL RIGHT, SCREW THAT RULE.

SORRY, KIDS.

HOW CAN YOU LEARN A LANGUAGE

WHEN THERE'S HALF A RULE?

HOW ABOUT THE VOWELS, A, E, I,

O, U, AND SOMETIMES 'Y.'

CAN YOU BE A LITTLE BIT

MORE VAGUE WITH THIS RULE,

PLEASE?

WHEN 'Y'?

SOMETIMES.

OKAY, WE'RE READY FOR THE EXAM.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH 'Y'?

WHAT IS IT THE REBEL VOWEL?

MAKE 'Y' A VOWEL.

MAKE 'G' A VOWEL.

JUST MAKE A COMMITMENT

TO ONE RULE.

WHAT'S THE 'Y' ON ALPHABET

PAROLE?

[LAUGHTER]

WHO DID THE 'Y' PISS OFF

IN THE 12th CENTURY?

AS LONG AS I AM KING,

AND 'Y' WILL NEVER COMPLETELY

BE A VOWEL.

AHH-HAAA!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S THE HARDEST LANGUAGE

TO LEARN IN THE WORLD.

WE HAVE EXTRA LETTERS IN OUR

WORDS FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

AND EXTRA LETTERS FOR NO REASON.

MAYBE WHEN THE BRITISH INVENTED

A LANGUAGE, THEY PUT ALL

THE WORDS THEY INVENTED

ON A REALLY BIG BLACKBOARD.

AND THEY HAD A BOX OF LETTERS

LEFT OVER, AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE

THE RECEIPT, SO THEY COULDN'T

RETURN THEM TO THE STORE.

IT WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,

GET RID OF THE LETTERS.

THROW THEM IN THE WORDS."

HMMM, EXTRA 'P'.

PUT THAT IN FRONT OF PNEUMONIA.

THEY'LL NEVER SEE THAT ONE.

HERE'S ANOTHER 'P', PUT THAT IN

FRONT OF PSYCHIATRIST THAT'LL

SCREW THEM UP.

HERE'S A 'K', PUT THAT IN FRONT

OF KNIFE.

PHG, SCREW UP PHLEGM.

ALL RIGHT, BEAUTIFUL.

BUT WHAT DO WE TELL THEM, SIR?

AH, SCREW THEM.

TELL THEM THEY'RE SILENT

LETTERS.

[LAUGHTER]

SILENT LETTERS.

WE'RE STUDYING STUFF THAT'S

NOT THERE.

EXCELLENT.

I HAVE A FRIEND ALL THE LETTERS

IN THE NAME ARE SILENT.

WE CALL HIM--

[LAUGHTER]

HE KNOWS.

[APPLAUSE]

IT'S THE HARDEST LANGUAGE

TO LEARN IN THE WORLD.

AND THE REASON WHY IS THERE'S

TOO MANY CLICHES THAT IF TAKEN

LITERALLY, WOULD BE DEVASTATING

FOR FOREIGNERS.

LIKE, WHEN WE'RE UPSET,

WE ALWAYS GO, "FOR CRYING OUT

LOUD."

WHAT?

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, CAN'T YOU

SEE WE'RE TRYING TO DO A SHOW?

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

IT'S LIKE AN AWARD YOU GIVE TO

A CHILD IN NURSERY SCHOOL.

AND HERE'S THE AWARD, LITTLE

BUDDY RYAN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,

LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM.

THANK YOU, WAAAHHH!

[APPLAUSE]

AND HE WINS THE AWARD FOR CRYING

OVER SPILLED MILK.

SPLASH.

WAAAHH!

HE'LL CRY AT THE DROP OF A HAT.

SWING-POO.

WAAAHH!

HE'LL CRY HIS EYES OUT.

FLING-PLING.

AAAHH!

HE'S GOOD CRYIN', BUDDY RYAN.

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

NEEDLESS TO SAY.

NEEDLESS TO SAY,

WE HAD A TERRIFIC TIME TONIGHT.

NEEDLESS TO SAY?

THEN, DON'T SAY IT.

WELL, IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING.

THEN, SHUT UP.

[LAUGHTER]

HE DOESN'T KNOW HIS ASS

FROM HIS ELBOW.

WELL, THEN GET HIM A

LONG SLEEVE SHIRT.

HAPPY AS A CLAM.

ONE GUY WENT DOWN TO THE BEACH.

IT'S LIKE--

[LAUGHTER]

AND HAPPY AS A CLAM

IS A WEIRD PHENOMENON.

HAPPY AS A CLAM IS KNOWN AS

A SIMILE.

AND WHENEVER WE USE SIMILES

FOR SOME REASON, WE ALWAYS USE

ANIMALS.

AND I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.

THEY SAY A MAN'S AN ANIMAL

TRYING TO PICK UP A GIRL

AT A BAR.

HE HAD TO SHOW HE WAS

STRONG AS AN OX, SLY AS A FOX,

MEMORY LIKE AN ELEPHANT.

A GIRL HE LIKES BECOMES

SLIPPERY AS AN EEL,

REGULAR SNAKE IN THE GRASS.

A GIRL LIKES THAT

SHE'S GOIN' HOME WITH HIM.

THEY'RE SNUG AS TWO BUGS

IN A RUG.

SO, THEY GO HOME,

THEY HUMP LIKE RABBITS.

UNFORTUNATELY, HE'S QUICK

AS A BUNNY.

SHE'S DEPRESSED.

SHE GOES RIGHT TO THE

REFRIGERATOR.

SHE'S HUNGRY AS A BEAR.

EATS LIKE A PIG.

HE GOES TO THE LIQUOR CABINET.

GETS DRUNK AS A SKUNK.

HE DRINKS LIKE A FISH.

HE'S BLIND AS A BAT.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, HE'S OUT IN

THE STREET, NAKED AS A JAY-BIRD.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S PISSING LIKE A RACEHORSE,

GOES, "SCREW HER, I'M HUNG LIKE

A HORSE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYBODY.

HAVE A VERY GOOD NIGHT.

I'M EDDIE BRILL.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

CAPTIONED BY

mCCaptioning SERVICES.

Loading...