Tuesday, May 10, 2016

  • 05/10/2016

Hari Kondabolu, James Adomian and Marc Maron find out how much one wombat hates corn, give names to a Twitter user's pet chinchillas and #MakeAQuoteDirty.

The BBC series Natural World filmed a segment

where Kangaroo Dundee--no relation--

fed a wombat an ear of corn,

which is now my new favoriteeuphemism for sex.

Unfortunately, Pete the wombatwas not on board.

So, comedians,how does he react?

He screams likea death metal singer,

he chomps intothe handsome man's nose,

or he rips a fart?Uh, Mark.

A-- Screams likea death metal singer.

Well, I guess that could be aninterpretation of what happens.

Let's take a listen.

Um, want some?Want a treat?

-(wombat passes wind)-Oh! -(laughter)

Wasn't me.

-(applause and cheering)-(wombat passes wind)

-He farts just like us!-HARDWICK: Yeah, yeah.

That could passfor a human fart.

They... they fart...

MARON:But now he's gonna be

-the farting wombat, like GrumpyCat. -HARDWICK: He's gonna...

It's like,it's the farting wombat.

Gonna be a billionaire.

A Internet star is born!

You know, you guessed wrong,

but I'm still gonna give you100 points

for the predicting the next bigInternet meme, Marc Maron.

Last night on Twitter,we received an urgent request

from an @midnight fan.

So this isa really important question.

Facing what must be the mostimportant decision of her life--

what to nameher baby pet chinchillas.

Now, we want everyoneto weigh in on this.

She says, "My chinchilla justgave birth to triplets.

"I'd like the @midnight community to name them!

Can we make this happen?"

Well, Jessica Jazgazack,we absolutely can.

In a cold and uncaring universe,

we are not gonna let you namethat, uh, thing on your own.

So, this show is founded ona deep respect for chinchillas.

Uh, Mark Maron loves mammals,we know this.

We're all about interactivitywith our audience, so why not?

So, comedians,since we find ourself

in a rare position of power,please come up with three names

for Jessica's chinchillas,and then we'll have Twitter

pick their favorites.Mark Maron.

That's Not a Jacket,Not a Shawl, and Not a Scarf.

-All right, great. Points.-(laughter, whooping, applause)

Points.

James.

Um, Adam and Eve and Steve.

(laughter)

-Points. Points.-That's the way I see it.

Hari.

-Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner.-All right, points!

It's now timefor our #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

This Thursday... this Thursdayis George Carlin Day,

which commemorates what wouldhave been the 79th birthday

of the late, legendarycomedian George Carlin.

Of course,one of his most famous bits,

seven words you cannever say on television,

uh, (bleep) mother (bleep) tits.

Uh, he ralliedagainst censorship

long before those wordswere readily available

in ever YouTubecomment section,

so we're gonna honor him, uh,with tonight's hashtag

#MakeAQuoteDirty.

So examples might be:Et tu, dick weed,

or: One if by land,two if by stink.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Mark. -One small dick for man,one giant dick for mankind.

-Yeah, points.-(whooping, applause)

Hari Kondabolu.

If you build it, I will (bleep).

-Points.-(laughter)

James.

Alas, poor Yorick!I blew him, Horatio.

-(laughter, applause)-Points.

-Mark. -Frankly, my dear,I don't give a (bleep).

All right, points.

Finally. Hari.

Nobody puts Boner in a corner.

-All right, points.-(laughter, applause)

-James.-Luke, use the foreskin.

-All right, points.-(laughter, applause)

You know, I'm not unconvinced

that Yoda wasn'tjust all foreskin.

-Like, he wasjust Jedi foreskin. -Yeah.

(like Yoda):Back you must pull it.

(laughter)

Points. Just give hima hundred points for that.

-Hari.-Uh, I'll make you an offer

you can't refuse--suck my (bleep).