Welcome to "Two-Drink Minimum."
You know, as you folks allknow for years now thousands
of people havebeen writing to me
for advice abouttheir love problems.
And so I brought oneof the letters with me
tonight, which I'd like to readand then answer on the show.
Dear-- dear Jake, I'vebeen seeing Charlie--
not his real name--for over a year,
and our relationshipis fantastic.
The problem is my parents.
My mother refusesto talk to him.
And my father won'teven allow his name
to be mentioned in the house.
Charlie is a wonderful,sweet, and caring man.
I love him very much.
And he loves me.
I plan to marrythis terrific man,
but I'm worried about how myrelationship with my family
will be affected.
Signed, Torn in Toronto.
I have my response herethat I've gone over.
Dear Torn, yours is a sadand all too common story.
First of all, if Charliewere such a great guy,
he'd tell you his real name.
Um, Torn, listen to yourparents and listen to me.
Charlie is probably a puke,a miserable worthless piece
I hate him.
He makes me sick with thatphony look of persecution.
"I can't understand whyyour parents don't like me.
What did I do?"
Obviously, I can't say.
But you probably knowexactly what it is.
Which reminds me, howwell do I know you
Torn, if that is your real name?
Why should I takeyour word for it
that Charlie issuch a great guy?
I think you're lyingto me about Charlie
like you're lying to meabout your real names.
I was going to tellyou Charlie is a cancer
and must be cut out.
But the more I think aboutit, the more I hate you both.
God, I wish I couldget my hands on you.
I'd reach down yourvile, ugly throats
and pull out your filthy,rotten, stinking guts to punish
you for passing offyour counterfeit
emotions for realhonest feelings.
But that would betoo good for you.
You deserve to spendthe rest of your lives
in a miserable,loveless marriage
like your pathetic parents.
Well, I, uh-- I, uh--I-- I--I hope that helps.
Um, now I'd like to bringout our first performer.
I recently moved to Los Angeles,the movie capital of the world.
And, you know, I'ma great big fan
of the movies, especiallythe old classics.
And one of myfavorite actors was
the late, great Humphrey Bogart.
Now who could forgetHumphrey Bogart?
Give it up for Humphrey Bogart.
Who could forget HumphreyBogart in such classic films
as "The MalteseFalcon," "Treasure
of the SierreMadre," "Casablanca"?
Now, folks, can youimagine if Humphrey
Bogart was your dentist?
Wouldn't that be weird?
for cute or clever segues.
And speaking ofthat, I was at this,
um-- I was eating at thisseafood restaurant today--
really nice, you know, fancy--one of those ones where they
got that tank in themiddle of the lobby.
And they let youpick out your own,
uh-- no, no, dolphin, actually.
And it was, uh-- it was good.
It was great.
Well, don't groan.
I mean, it was all tuna-safe.
You know, I wantedto be PC about it.
It was all dolphin-free--tuna-free dolphin.
No, isn't that kindof hypocritical
that nobody really caresabout saving the tuna's life.
You don't see anybody out therepicketing to save the tuna.
Just the dolphin, because,you know, it's cute.
That's-- that's whywe can't eat it.
No, it's Flipper.
No, no, no, no, wecan't eat Flipper, no.
Because you know that if adolphin was ugly and tasted
good, we'd be eatingby the truckload.
No one would care.
Really, it's weird.
The only negative thingthat ever happened to a tuna
was-- was born butt-ugly,and it mixes well with mayo.
So sorry, Charlie.
But that's how that works.
And I just think it's weirdthat we project the human idea
of vanity onto theanimal kingdom.
We're not allowed to eat cutefood or domesticated food.
We're not allowed to.
Morally, ethically, it's wrong.
I mean really,ostensibly, I should
be able to eat agreat big steaming
platter full of littlebaby kittens if I want.
What, because they're cute?
Eat them up.
-Oh sure, I can eat a pig's ass.
I guess that's OKwith everybody.
No problem with that.
Yeah, a pig's ass is all right.
Yeah, give me the part rightby where he dumps outta.
Can you lop thatoff for me, please?
That'd be good.
Hey, put a honey glaze onthat too, while you're at it.
Good-- honey-coated pig's ass.
Make a good littlesnicky-snack right now for me.
No, it's just weird.
It's an odd thing.
And I-- just to deflectthis-- I know I do this bit,
and I always getsome, like, you know,
pseudo-liberal who puts theblinders on as soon as they
hear "Eating dolphins." andthey don't listen to the joke.
And they'll come up to me afterthe shows-- this has happened--
just in my face,indignant, coming up to me
going, (FUNNY VOICE) um, excuseme, uh, comedian, or whatever.
Yeah, I mean, well,no-- yeah, well, we
heard what you were sayingabout eating the dolphins,
and I just wanted to say wrong!
No, um, OK?
I mean, yeah, yeah, I mean,we don't not eat the dolphins
because they're cute.
We don't eat thedolphins, because they're
Think about that,mister, next time, OK?
Just honestly, really, honestly.
And people have said that to me,which I think is really, really
stupid logic, 'cause, youknow, I suppose if you're going
to use that kind ofrationale, then I suppose
we should be eatingthe retarded, really.
If you're going to--