Comedy Central Presents
Season 13

CC Presents: Brian Scolaro

  • Season 13, Ep 4
  • 01/11/2009

AND WE HAVE A WAR ON,LIKE, COUNTRIES.

WHY DON'T WE COMBINE THE TWO?

JUST DROP THE DRUGSON THE COUNTRIES.

NOBODY WOULD DIE.

WE'D WIN A WAR,AND NOBODY WOULD BE KILLED.

ISN'T THAT INTERESTING?

LIKE, FILL UP 100 CROP-DUSTERPLANES WITH ANGEL DUST,

JUST FLY OVER,JUST DROP IT ON THEM.

THEY CAN'T FIGHT ON ACID,YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE JUST GONNA BE STARINGAT THE CAT AND LAUGHING.

THROWING WATER ON EACH OTHER.

[ LAUGHING ]

THEN WE JUST COME WALKING IN

DRESSED UPLIKE GIANT SPIDERS, LIKE...

[ ROARS ]

[ SCREAMS ]

NOBODY WOULD DIE.

WORST THING I EVER DID ON DRUGSIS CHURCH.

THAT WAS -- THAT'S --

THAT WAS [BLEEP] UP.WASN'T THAT [BLEEP] UP?

THAT WAS A REALSTUPID THING TO DO.

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BURSTINTO FLAMES WHEN I WALKED IN.

HAD THE MUNCHIES -- WENT TOCOMMUNION, LIKE, SIX TIMES.

HAD A THING OF SALSA WITH ME,YOU KNOW, LIKE, "HERE, COME ON.

COME ON."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU GET ALL THESE IDEAS,YOU KNOW?

SO, I'M IN THE PEW,AND THE PRIEST IS TALKING.

I'M JUST LISTENING.I'M LIKE, "OKAY.

"WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I JUSTYELLED OUT BULL[BLEEP]

THAT CAN'T HAPPEN!"

CAN'T THROW ME OUT.THERE'S NO BOUNCERS.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHINGIN CHURCH.

YOU CAN START A WAVE,YOU KNOW.

YOU CAN THROW A BOWLING BALLUP THE [BLEEP] AISLE.

YOU CAN WALK INDRESSED UP LIKE SATAN

AND JUST SIT IN THE BACK ROW --"BOO!"

[ CHUCKLES ]

PUT ON A JESUS BEARDAND A ROBE.

JUST COME IN THE BACK DOOR WITH,LIKE, A BASEBALL BAT,

LIKE, "WHO THE [BLEEP]ARE YOU PEOPLE?

"THIS IS MY HOUSE!

"GIVE ME THAT WINE!

"UGH.

"WHAT, ARE YOU SINGING SONGSIN MY LIVING ROOM?

IT'S 10:00 A.M."

LIKE, WE KNOW WHAT TO EAT.

A WAITER BRINGS YOU SOMETHINGAND SAYS, "YOU CAN EAT THAT."

HE DOESN'T SAY THAT, BUT, YOUKNOW, HE'S BRINGING IT TO YOU.

CAVEMEN HAD TO FIGURE OUTWHAT TO EAT.

I THINK THAT'S BRAVE.

CAVEMEN HADTHE PROCESS OF ELIMINATION.

LIKE, ONE CAVEMANATE A BUNCH OF ROCKS.

AND HE JUST [BLEEP] DIED.

ANOTHER GUY --"NOBODY EAT ANY MORE ROCKS.

"TELL YOUR FRIENDS.CROSS IT OFF THE LIST.

"ALL RIGHT,WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO EAT?

"OKAY, YOU ATE A TREE.ALL RIGHT, HOW WAS THAT?

"YOU'RE DYING? OKAY.

"TREES -- NO.

"JEFF, YOU HAD THE FIRE.HOW DID THAT GO?

HOLY [BLEEP]FIRE -- DEFINITELY NO."

"UH, JILL, YOU HAD THE TURKEY.THAT WAS GOOD? OKAY.

"JACK, YOU HAD THE CHICKEN.GOOD? ALL RIGHT.

"GEORGE, YOU HAD THE TIGER.

GEORGE?"

FIRST GUY TO EAT AN EGG --THAT GUY WAS GROSS.

WASN'T HE?

JUST STARED AT A CHICKEN'S ASSFOR, LIKE, A MONTH.

SEE SOMETHING WHITE AND ROUNDCOME OUT AND BE LIKE,

"I'M GONNA [BLEEP] EATTHAT [BLEEP]

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY.

I'M GONNA PUT IT IN MY MOUTH,CHEW IT UP, AND SWALLOW IT."

"WHAT'S THAT WHITE PEECOMING OUT OF THAT COW?

"GET ME A [BLEEP] GLASS.

"I'M GONNA [BLEEP] DRINK

"WHATEVER'S COMINGOUT OF THIS COW.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY."

[ CHUCKLES ]

THANKS, GUYS.

I LIKE THINKING ABOUTTHE FIRST PEOPLE TO DO THINGS.

FIRST GUY TO SNEEZE.

MUST HAVE SCARED THE HELLOUT OF EVERYBODY.

A BUNCH OF CAVEMENARE HANGING AROUND A FIRE.

ONE OF THEM'S LIKE...[ SNEEZING ]

"CROG'S GONE MAD!"

THEY START KILLING HIMWITH ROCKS.

[ SCREAMS ]

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

SNEEZES ARE SCARY.

I WAS SITTING NEXT TOTHIS OLD LADY ON A BUS.

SHE SNEEZED, LIKE, A HALF-HOUR.

JUST...[ SNEEZES ]

"OH, BLESS YOU."

[ SNEEZES ]"AAH! AAH! BLESS YOU!"

[ SNEEZES ]"SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I SAW MY FRIEND SHARONWALKING DOWN THE STREET.

I HAVEN'T SEEN SHARONIN A FEW YEARS.

DID YOU EVER DO THIS?

LIKE, YOU SEE A FRIEND COMING,

AND YOU, LIKE, HIDEBEHIND A BUSH OR SOMETHING,

YOU JUST JUMP OUTAND SCARE YOUR FRIENDS?

I DO THAT A LOT.SHARON'S COMING.

I'M HIDING BEHIND A PARKED CAR,YOU KNOW.

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."[ MUMBLING ]

[ SCREAMING ]

WASN'T SHARON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JUST SCARED THE HELLOUT OF SOME GIRL, YOU KNOW?

SO I HAD TO THINK OF SOMETHINGREALLY FAST, YOU KNOW,

SO I JUST STOLE HER PURSEAND TOOK OFF RUNNING, SO...

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

SHE WON'T BE BOTHERING ANYBODY.

I'M A BIG GUY.

I SCARE EASILY --I MEAN, I SCARE PEOPLE EASILY.

HOW DO YOU LOSE WEIGHTWHEN YOU'RE FAT?

WHAT DO YOU DO?DO YOU JOG?

YOU EVER SEE A FAT GUYRUNNING DOWN THE STREET?

IT'S LIKE, "OH, WHAT? IS KRISPYKREME ABOUT TO CLOSE, MAN?"

THE ONLY THING FUNNIERTHAN A FAT GUY RUNNING

IS A FAT GUY FALLING.

WHY IS THAT --WHY IS THAT EXTRA FUNNY?

YOU REMEMBER ITFOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

IT WAS 1985. I SAW A FAT GUYFALL DOWN THE STAIRS.

SANDWICHES WERE FALLINGOUT OF HIS [BLEEP] POCKETS.

NEVER FORGET IT.

MY BIG THING ISI LIKE TO EAT OUT, YOU KNOW?

I LIKE -- IT'S GOOD TO BEBACK IN NEW YORK

WHERE THERE'S, LIKE,ACTUAL ITALIAN FOOD, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, I'M FROM HERE,BUT I MOVED TO CALIFORNIA,

AND THERE'S NOTA LOT OF GOOD ITALIAN FOOD.

I LIKE COMING HERE

WHERE THE WAITERS, LIKE,SCARE THE HELL OUT OF YOU.

A GOOD ITALIAN WAITERWILL JUST SCARE YOU, YOU KNOW?

HE'S GOT A CURLY MUSTACHE,YOU KNOW, WHITE APRON.

HE'S LIKE, "OH, BRIAN, BRIAN,

"I'M GONNA MAKE YOUA VEAL PARMESAN.

"IT'S GONNA BE SO [BLEEP] NICE.

YOU'RE GONNA [BLEEP] DIE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU'RE GONNA [BLEEP] DIERIGHT HERE.

"EVERY BITE --LIKE GETTING SHOT IN THE FACE.

"YOU GONNA TAKE A KNIFEOFF THE TABLE

"AND PUT IT RIGHT INYOUR [BLEEP] EYE

"'CAUSE YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEEVEAL PARMESAN THIS GOOD AGAIN.

"YOU GONNA TAKE A NEEDLEAND A THREAD

"AND YOU'RE GONNA SEW UPYOUR ASS CHEEKS

JUST TO KEEP THE VEAL PARMESANINSIDE YOU."

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

THEY BECOME A POPE,THEY CHOOSE THEIR OWN NAME.

POPE BENEDICT --THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

POPE DIDDY -- THAT WOULD HAVEBEEN FUNNY, YOU KNOW?

UH, POPE SMEAR.POPE FICTION.

POPE A WHEELIE XV OR SOMETHING.

POPE POURRI.

I OFTEN WONDERIF THEY'RE GONNA BE UPSET

AT MY RELIGION JOKESWHEN I DIE,

YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S GONNA BEA PROBLEM UP IN HEAVEN.

I DON'T KNOW.

DID YOU EVER WONDERHOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE?

DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?NO? REALLY?

YOU DRIVE PAST A CEMETERY.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, [BLEEP]THAT'S RIGHT. I'M GONNA DIE.

I FORGOT ALL ABOUTTHAT [BLEEP]"

I THINK IT'S GONNA BEA HEART ATTACK FOR ME,

'CAUSE I'M A BIG, FAT GUY,YOU KNOW?

UH...

THAT'S ABOUT IT.I GUESS IT'S THE ONLY REASON.

IT'LL PROBABLY HAPPEN THAT WAY.

I JUST HOPE I HAVE ITSOMEWHERE FUNNY, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE IT, LIKE,TAKING A CRAP OR SOMETHING.

I WANT TO HAVE IT AT, LIKE,A MAGICIAN SHOW.

LIKE, I'M VOLUNTEERING,

AND THE MAGICIANBRINGS ME ONSTAGE,

AND HE ME PUTS ME IN A BOX,AND HE SPINS ME AROUND,

AND HE OPENS THE DOOR,

AND I JUST[BLEEP] FALL OUT DEAD.

HE'D BE THE KILLER MAGICIAN.

HE'D NEVER WORK AGAIN, YOU KNOW?

LIKE,"DON'T EVER PICK A FAT GUY."

WHY DO WE BURY PEOPLE?

IF THE IDEA IS THEY'RESUPPOSED TO GO TO HEAVEN,

WHY DO WE [BLEEP] PUT THEMIN THE GROUND

AND LOCK THEM IN A BOX?

WHAT ARE THEY, HOUDINI?

WE SHOULD CATAPULT THEM,YOU KNOW?

DOESN'T IT MAKE MORE SENSE?

[ APPLAUSE ]

LIKE, SHOOT YOUR GRANDMOTHEROUT OF A CANNON OR SOMETHING.

AND WHY IS IT SIX FEET UNDER?HOW DID WE GET TO SIX FEET?

WE DID FOUR FEET AND THENTHE WOLVES GOT THE GUY?

THEN WE DID EIGHT FEET --

WE'RE LIKE,"OH, MY [BLEEP] BACK HURTS.

ALL RIGHT, SIX.SIX FEET, FINE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IS THERE FOOD IN HEAVEN?

AS A FAT GUY,I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED.

IS THERE A DINER?

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS --YOU CAN'T EAT IN HEAVEN.

THERE'S NO FOOD IN HEAVEN,'CAUSE FOOD IS ALIVE,

SO, WHAT KIND OF HEAVEN IS THATFOR FOOD, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, COWS ARE ALIVE,AND THEN WE EAT THEM.

AND THEY GO TO HEAVEN.WE JUST [BLEEP] EAT THEM AGAIN?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT WOULD BE HORRIBLE.

LET'S GET THAT [BLEEP]OUT OF THE WAY.

UH, I'M NOT, LIKE, HOSPITAL FAT.JUST A LITTLE FAT, YOU KNOW?

PHEW.I'M ON A NEW DIET.

IT'S CALLED"PUT ON A BLACK SHIRT."

ALL RIGHT.JOKE NUMBER ONE.

[ LIGHT APPLAUSE ]

IT WAS HALFWAY THERE.

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]NO! COME ON!

SO, YOU GUYS WANT TO TALKABOUT WEED?

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO.

[ CHEERING ]HEY!

IT'S ILLEGAL.

IT'S ILLEGAL.HOW CRAZY IS THAT?

ALCOHOL -- THAT'S FINE.

THAT'S FINE.WEED'S A PROBLEM.

IF YOU EVER GOT HITBY YOUR HUSBAND,

YOU KNOW, WHEN HE WAS DRUNK,YOU KNOW --

HE DIDN'T COME HOME ALL STONED

AND THREW [BLEEP] COOKIESAT YOUR HEAD, YOU KNOW, LIKE...

[ LAUGHING ]

[ GROANS ]

WHO WOULD YOU RATHER HAVEDRIVING A CAR?

WOULD YOU RATHER HAVEA DRUNK GUY OR A STONED GUY?

STONED GUY --HE'S GOT THE SEAT BELT ON.

HE'S GOING, LIKE,FIVE MILES PER HOUR.

HE'S LIKE, "HOLY JESUS.

"HOLY -- THAT'S A TRUCK!PULL OVER!

"WE'RE WALKING!EVERYBODY GET OUT!

"OH, DID YOU SEE THE SIZEOF THAT THING?"

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