CC Presents: Sebastian Maniscalco

  • Season 12, Ep 4
  • 01/17/2008

YOU COME TO WORK.YOU GET THAT TYPE OF A RESPONSE.

THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.I NEED IT. I HAD A ROUGH DAY.

[LAUGHTER]

[Heavy Sigh]WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE.

ALWAYS A PROBLEMAT THE GROCERY STORE.

- IS IT HARD TO PAY?- [LAUGHTER]

ALWAYS SOMETHIN' GOIN' ONIN MY LINE, RIGHT?

ALWAYS IN THE BACK-- I'M LIKE,"WHAT DID I DO--"

[LAUGHTER]

WHO'S STILL PAYING IN CHECK?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'LL SEE IT.IT WILL COME OUT OF A BAG

IN SLOW MOTION.THEN THE WHOLE LINE SEES IT.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE IT'S JUSTNOT THE CHECKBOOK.

THINGS GO WITHTHE CHECKBOOK, RIGHT?

GLASSES ALWAYS COME ON.

[LAUGHTER]

GOTTA FIND THE CHECK.HOLD ON.

ALWAYS ASKING QUE--"WHO DO I WRITE THE CHECK TO?"

"JOHN'S MARKET."IT'S ON THE GUY'S APRON.IT'S ON THE BAGS.

THERE'S A LOTTA HINTS HERE.

I GOT NO PATIENCE FOR PEOPLE.

GUY HAD FOUR ITEMSIN FRONT OF ME.

I'M LIKE, FOUR ITEMS,HOW WE GONNA SCREW THIS UP?

THEY SCAN IT.BOOP, BOOP, BOOP, BOOP.

THEN HE PULLED THIS ONE."AND A PACK OFCIGARETTES, PLEASE?"

NOW WE GOTTA GO TO THE CAGE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S ALL WE DO.

WENT TO ROSS FOR LESS,ANYBODY BEEN TO THIS NIGHTMARE?

I WALKED INTO ROSS.I THOUGHT I WALKED INTO

DOWNTOWN BEIRUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THOUGHT A BOMB WENT OFFAT THIS STORE.

- EVERYTHING'S ON THE FLOOR.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW ARE THEYSHOPPING OVER THERE?

WHAT, ARE THEYPULLING STUFF OFF THE SHELF?

"THIS IS NOT MY SIZE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I WENT LOOKIN' FOR JEANS.

I HEARD THEY HADCHEAP JEANS OVER THERE, RIGHT?

SO, I'M IN THE STORE SHOPPIN'.

[LAUGHTER]

I FOUND A PAIR...

- IN "HOUSEWARES"- [LAUGHTER]

STAMPED "IRREGULAR", ANYBODYLOOKING AT IRREGULAR CLOTHES?

YOU'RE NOT GETTING A DEAL.

WHEN YOU SEE IRREGULAR,YOU GOTTA LAY 'EM OUT.

YOU GOTTA FIND OUTWHAT THE HELL HAPPENED.

[LAUGHTER]

- WHY ARE THESE A DOLLAR?- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- 'CAUSE ORIGINALLY, $175.- [LAUGHTER]

- NOW, SLASHED TO $1.- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND IF YOU'RE LIKE ME,YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT THE PANTS.

YOU'RE LIKE,I CAN'T FIND THE MISTAKE HERE.

I THINK THEY MADE THE MISTAKE.I THINK I FOUND A TREASURE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TILL YOU GETTO THE FITTING ROOM.

I WENT TO GO TRY 'EM ON.I WENT TO GO GET THE ZIPPER,THE BUTTON. ALL THIS STUFF

- WASN'T EVEN HERE.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I FOUND THATRIGHT HERE ON THE CALF.

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

ALL THE UNDERWEAR,IT'S ALL BOXED.

THE BOX HAS BEENRIPPED OPEN SO MANY TIMES.

THEY GOTTA DUCT-TAPE 'EM SHUT.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT YOU'RE BUYIN'.

I TOOK A GAMBLE ON SOMECK BOXER BRIEFS

- FOR 39 CENTS.- [LAUGHTER]

I BROUGHT 'EM HOME.I CUT THE BOX OPEN.

- IT'S A SET OF FORKS.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AIRPORTS, ENOUGH.

WHAT IS GOING ONAT THE AIRPORT?

COULD WE PUT A DRESS CODEAT THE AIRPORT?

IT LOOKS LIKE ASLUMBER PARTY OVER THERE.

DO PEOPLE CAREWHAT THEY LOOK LIKE ANYMORE?

THEY JUST COME OUT NOW "AS IS."THEY MUST ROLL OUTTA BED...

- AND THEN THEY'RE AT UNITED.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT THE-- I'M NOT--

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT INTO THIS.I'M NOT INTO CASUAL.

I LIKE THE '50s, '60s.PEOPLE DRESSED UP, RIGHT?

I'M NOT INTO THIS WHOLE CASUAL.YOU MEET THESE PEOPLE.

- "I'M COMFORTABLE.- [LAUGHTER]

"DON'T CAREWHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME,

LONG AS I'M COMFORTABLE."

YEAH? I'M UNCOMFORTABLETHAT YOU'RE COMFORTABLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- SHOWER.- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I'M NOT INTO THIS.IT'S GOTTA STOP.

WHEN YOU GO TO THE AIRPORT,WHEN YOU SEE THE WORLD,

- THE WORLD SEES YOU.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND NOW WHAT WE DO,WE SIT DOWN IN THE PLANE.

AND NOW, WE LOOK TO SEEWHAT CATASTROPHE

THAT'S GONNA BE SITTIN'NEXT TO US FOR FIVE HOURS.

RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I KNOW.AND IT'S NEVER THIS.

IT'S NEVER THESEBEAUTIFUL LADIES.

I COULD TELL MY GUY.I COULD SENSE IT, RIGHT?

LIKE, HE GETS ON THE PLANE,WE MAKE EYE CONTACT GOIN',

"OH, THIS IS HIM."

[LAUGHTER]

I HAD TO STOP ATTHE STARBUCKS BEFORE I GOT ON.

I GOT BEHIND A COUPLETHAT CAN'T KEEP

THEIR HANDS OFF EACH OTHER.YOU EVER GET BEHIND THIS COUPLE?

IT'S DISGUSTING.

SHE'S HOLDIN' ONTO HIMFROM BEHIND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE HE'S GONNA TAKE OFF.

IT'S STARBUCKS.HE AIN'T GOIN' ANYWHERE.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WAS DATIN' SOME SOFTIE.THE GUY HAD FLIP-FLOPS ON.

- WHAT'S THIS, FLIP-FLOP?- [LAUGHTER]

YOU SEEN SOME OFTHESE GUYS FEET?

MEN'S FEET ARE DISGUSTING.HE HAD THE FINGER FOOT.

WHAT IS THIS?HAVE YOU SEEN THAT?

[LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

TOES SO LONGHE'S GOT KNUCKLES ON THEM?

LIKE HE COULD PICK UP AN ORANGEAND THEN THROW IT AT YOU?

- YOU HAVE A HAND ON YOUR FOOT.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TAKE CARE OF YOUR FEET.JUST BECAUSE

YOU'RE IN THE SHOWERAND THEY'RE GETTIN' WET,

THEN WHEN THEY'REGETTIN'-- RIGHT?

THIS CONCRETE WITH THIS ASH LOOKHERE ON THE HEEL?

YOU WANNA TAKE APUMICE STONE TO THAT?

FILE-- YOU GOTTACINDER BLOCK ON YOUR FOOT.

SOCK IT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

THEN HE TURNED TO HIS LADY,HE'S LIKE, "HONEY,

DO YOU WANNA SHAREA LEMON LOAF?"

WHAT THE HELLDID YOU JUST SAY?

DID "LEMON LOAF"JUST COME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH?

HOW DO YOU FEEL LIKE A MANAND ORDER A LEMON LOAF?

I WOULD NEVER GET THAT,EVEN IF I WANTED ONE.

I'D POINT TO IT."GET ONE OF THESE."

ANOTHER WOMAN HADA DOG AT THE AIRPORT,

DRESSED UP.

WHAT'S THIS?WHAT'S WITH THE DOGS?

I GOT A DOG. IT'S MY DOG.WHY DON'T WE DO DOG THINGS?

GO TO THE PARK.YOU COULD GIVE IT A FRISBEE.

ONCE IN A WHILE, LEAN DOWN,"HEY, HOW YA DOIN'? YOU ARIGHT?

GOOD, ARIGHT.GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE."IT'S A DOG.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT DRESSIN' IT UP.WHAT'S UP WITH--

- WHY'S THE DOG GOT SOCKS ON?- [LAUGHTER]

SOCKS, HAD A SWEATER,LITTLE HAT,

LITTLE CELL PHONEAROUND HIS NECK.

STOP TRYIN' TOHUMANIZE THE ANIMAL.

IT'S A DOG. LET IT BE A DOG.

IN LOS ANGELES THIS PAST YEAR,THEY HAD, FOR CHRISTMASTIME,

A SANTA CLAUS FOR YOUR DOG,

150 DOGS WRAPPED AROUNDTHE MALL TO SEE DOGGIE SANTA.

TWO KIDS TO SEETHE NORMAL SANTA,150 DOGS, RIGHT,

AND YOU GOT THE IDIOT OWNERSITTIN' THERE IN LINE.

[High Voice] "YEAH, COOPER.YOU'RE GONNA SEE SANTA TODAY."

[LAUGHTER]

THEN THEY PUTTHE DOG ON SANTA'S LAP.

AND FROM THE LINETHEY'RE LIKE, "GO AHEAD, COOPER.

GO AHEAD.

TELL SANTA WHAT YOU WANT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'M LOOKIN' AT THIS, I'M LIKE,

"HE JUST WANTSTO LICK HIS BALLS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT HE CAN'T BECAUSEHE'S GOT A SWEATER ON.

WE DO ALL THIS STUFFDURIN' THE DAY

AND WE COME TO NIGHTTIME,

WE START COMIN'TO EVENTS LIKE THIS,

START BRINGIN' OUR LADY, DATING.IT'S FUN, RIGHT?

FIRST DATE, THAT'S THE BIG ONE.

WHAT DO WENORMALLY DO GUYS, DINNER?

SUSHI. YEAH.LAST WEEK, FIRST DATE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SUSHI COSTS.I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH IT IS.

CHICKEN, SALAD, STEAK,I KNOW WHAT THAT GOES FOR.

A DYNAMITE ROLL,I HAVE NO IDEA WHATTHE HELL THAT IS.

BECAUSE WHAT WE'RE DOING,LADIES, ON THE DATE,

IS WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUTHOW MUCH THE BILL IS IN OUR HEAD

BEFORE IT COMES TO THE TABLE.

IT'S A LITTLE GAMEWE PLAY UP HERE, RIGHT?

YOU DON'T KNOW IT'S HAPPENING.

SO, I'M GUESSTIMATINGTHIS IS ABOUT $120 MEAL.THE BILL COMES, RIGHT.

AND, LIKE, A SILENCECOMES OVER THE TABLE, RIGHT?

SO, THE BILL COMES.I DO THE QUICK PEEK,

YEAH THE, WHOOSH-WHOOSH.

IT'S WHAT WE DOON THE FIRST DATE.

WE DON'T LOOK AT IT LIKEIT'S A LIFE INSURANCE POLICY.

WE ACT LIKE ITDIDN'T EVEN COME TO THE TABLE.

SO, I SAW THE TOTAL, $256.

I CLOSED ITAND THEN I STARTED SWEATING...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ON THE INSIDE OF MY BODY HERE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BECAUSE ON THE FIRST DATE,YOU CAN'T LET ON

THAT THAT TOTALMIGHT BOTHER YOU.

YOU HAVE TO TAKETHAT POKER FACE.

BUT IF YOU'RE MARRIEDAND YOU GET A BILL LIKE THAT...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'LL FLIP IT OVER."CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS CRAP?!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"TWO HUNDRED AND FI--WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EAT?!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU BETTER TAKE AGOOD LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

BUT IT'S THE WOMEN.

THEY ALWAYS WANTDIFFERENT ATMOSPHERE.

THEY'RE INTO ATMOSPHERE, RIGHT?

THEY'LL LEAVE HERE TONIGHT.YOU THINK YOU'RE GOIN' HOME.

YOU'RE GONNA WALK OUT THAT EXIT.SHE'S GONNA TURN TO YOU LIKE,

"WHERE ARE WE GOIN' NOW?"WHAT-- WE JUST DID IT.

THE COMEDY CENTRAL, THE FUN,WHAT THE--

[LAUGHTER]

SO SHE WANTS TO DANCE NOW,NOW THE DANCING.

NOW, SHE'S IN HER 20s.I'M IN MY 30s.

WOMEN IN THEIR 20sDANCE A LOT DIFFERENTTHAN MEN IN THEIR 30s.

RIGHT?THERE'S A LOTTA BENDING.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT'S THAT FIRST DATE,RIGHT GUYS?

WE COULD DO ANYTHINGON THE FIRST DATE.

SHE LIKE, "DO YOU DANCE?"'COURSE I DANCE, LET'S DO THIS.

SO, SHE GETS OUTTO THE DANCE FLOOR.

RIGHT AWAY,SHE STARTS PULLIN' THIS MOVE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN SHE PULLED A HEAD WHIP.

[LAUGHTER, CATCALLS & APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE WOW, I LIKE THIS.I WANNA PARTICIPATE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I DON'T KNOWIF I COULD GET DOWN THAT FAR.

BUT I'M ALREADY OUT THERE.SO I'M LIKE, ARIGHT, LET'S GO.

- LET'S-- LET'S DO THIS.- [LAUGHTER]

- THEN MY LEGS START BURNING.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,SUMPIN' POPPED.

[POOF] OH, MY GOD.DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

A LIGAMENT, A MUSCLE,SUMPIN' FELL OUT.

- AND I COULDN'T GET BACK UP.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOIN' ON VACATIONS TOGETHER,GO TO VEGAS.

YOU THINK YOU'RE INA GREAT RELATIONSHIP?

GO TO VEGAS.TEST IT OUT IN THAT TOWN.

SUMPIN' ABOUT VEGASBRINGS OUT THE WORST IN PEOPLE.

WENT TO VEGAS.SHE WAS ARGUING WITH MERIGHT FROM THE GET-GO.

WENT TO GO GRAB HER HANDIN THE CASINO.

I GAVE HER A LITTLESTATIC ELECTRICITY.

SHE'S LIKE--"PICK YOUR FEET UP."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DO YOUWANT ME TO DO, FLOAT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE WENT TO THE LOUNGE, RIGHT,I JUST GRAZED HER BUTT,

YOU KNOW, A LITTLE [Whistles]WE'RE DATIN' TYPE OF THING,

AND AGAIN, "DON'T TOUCH MY ASSWHILE WE'RE OUT IN PUBLIC."

YOU WERE [BLEEP] MY NUTSTHE FIRST NIGHT WE MET.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU [BLEEP] NUTS?YOU [BLEEP] NUTS?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS, RIGHT?TEXT MESSAGING STARTS, RIGHT?

I HAD NO IDEAI HAD TEXT MESSAGING.

GET IN A FIGHT WITH YOUR GIRL,

YOU'LL FIND OUT WHATTEXT MESSAGING IS ALL ABOUT.

WE HAD AN ARGUMENT. I LEFT.

A LITTLE ENVELOPECAME UP ON MY SCREEN.

- I'M LIKE, "WHAT IS THIS?"- [LAUGHTER]

IT WAS A MESSAGE FROM HER.I READ IT. IT'S LIKE,

- "WHY HAVE YOU CHANGED?"- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I DIDN'T KNOW THEREWAS RULES TO TEXT MESSAGING.

I CALLED HER BACK.I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S GOIN' ON?"

SHE'S LIKE,"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

WE'RE NOT READY FOR THIS.HANG UP AND TEXT ME BACK."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S NUTS. I'M NOT GOOD.I'M NOT GOOD WITH THE THUMB.

THERE'S A THING ON HERETHAT WILL HELP YOU, THOUGH.

IT'S CALLED T-9 WORD, RIGHT?

THIS WILL ACTUALLY GUESSWHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.

DON'T USE THIS DRUNK.DON'T COME HOME HORNY, DRUNK,

YOU WANNA TEXT YOUR GIRLA SEXY MESSAGE.

LOOK WHAT YOU'RE TYPINGBEFORE YOU SEND IT.

I DIDN'T LOOK.I JUST SENT IT OFF.

SHE CALLED ME RIGHT BACK.SHE'S LIKE,

"UH, WHAT DO YOU MEANYOU WANNA KICK MY PUPPY?"

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