Brad Williams explains his approach to stand-up, Michelle Buteau makes new friends on the streets of Miami, and Tommy Johnagin laments his expensive cat.
-How you doing?
It's Mo Mandel here for theSouth Beach Comedy Festival.
We're walking around todayand we're talking to people
about who they're going tovote for in the upcoming
presidential electionand finding out
what they think about politics.
What party are you?
-I'm a Republican, butdon't hold it against me.
-So who are you votingfor then this year?
Rudy is the man.
Rudy Giuliani,what do you think?
-So when Rudy Giulianitalks about 9/11,
do you get, like,a partial chubby?
You know, it's really like---Not at all.
Like not even, like, alittle just a tingle?
Just, like, a bink!
So who are you goingto accidentally vote
for this year?
-Well, if I have tovote for somebody,
I'll probably vote for--who can I vote for?
The guy who's--
-That's a Florida answer.
The guy who's--
Who are you going tovote for this year?
-I'm from Chicagoso I like Obama.
So that's who I'mgoing to go for,
because I saw hima lot in Chicago.
And he's a nice guy and hehas very-- and he's cute.
-Who are you votingfor this year?
-I am voting for, uh,either Obama or Hillary.
All Democratic all the way.
-So Obama or Hillary?
Let me ask you this.
Black man, white women.
Who do you think woulddo a less bad job?
-Who do you think is goingto do a less bad job?
-A less bad job?
-Did you just say the N word?
-Who would do a less bad job?
-Who would do a less bad job?
I would say Barack.
I got a lot ofAfro-American friends--
-You have a lot ofAfro-American friends?
I've got one right there.He's a good guy.
He's a good guy.
-The fact that you saidAfro-American makes me
think you don't have alot of black friends.
-I got three.
-Let me guess.
Are you voting forBarack this year?
-Well, I think I'mgonna pray for him
instead of vote for him.
-We got a black man.
We got a white woman.
Who do think woulddo a less bad job?
-Uh, none of them.
-Barack or Hillary?
So out of a blackman or a white woman,
she would like a white man.
If Clinton was running again,would you vote for Bill?
-I would vote for Bill.I'm liking Bill.
I'm liking Bill these days.
-Wouldn't you just-- wouldn'tit be cool if we could have Bill
for, like, the next30 years and just not
have to worry aboutthe election anymore?
Just be like, guys,we're going with Bill.
He's our king now.
I like Bill.
Has he still got it?-He has it.
-So what's the most importantpolitical issue this year?
-The deficit andthe war in Iraq.
-And for you?
-War in Iraq andthe deficit as well.
-We gotta stop thewar in Iraq, right?
-Absolutely.I'm with you on that.
-[inaudible] right now.
-I know, I know.
My manager wants me to gooverseas and do military shows.
We need to stop the war in Iraqbecause they don't pay enough.
What do you think is the mostimportant issue this year?
-Uh, like whoa, man.
I don't really follow politics.
It's kind of boring.
-What do you thinkabout Mitt Romney?
-Uh, I used to sayhis name Mitt Romnus.
I didn't know itwas Mitt Romney for,
like, until three months ago.
-So Mitt Romney.
What are you feeling?
Who's Mitt Romney?
-I think he's cool.
-Who is he?
-I have no clue.
-What's the most importantpolitical issues this year?
-Whatever it takes to keepHillary out of office.
-Wow.Why do you hate Hillary so much?
Did you guys have likea thing in high school
and it didn't work out?
What's the most importantpolitical issue this year?
-I think that these peoplebe honest and realize
that the government's about$8 and half trillion in debt
and stop promisingeverything and start
figuring out how toget us out of debt.
-Can I borrow thisfor my show tonight?
-No, I gotta carry this around.
-Come on, dude.
I'm bombing here in South Beach.
I need help.
I'm bombing.All right.
So I'm Mo Mandel.
We've been talking politicshere in South Beach.
I'm getting a tan.
And we're learning things.
And make sure you vote.
My name is Michelle Buteau,Ms. Michelle if you're nasty.
And I'm chilling like avillain with Comedy Central
at the South BeachComedy Festival.
It's so good, it's bad.
I said it.
So are you guysoriginally from Miami?
-I'm from Puerto Rico.
-Both of us arefrom Puerto Rico.
-Both you guys are Puerto Rican?
-How many kids do you guys have?
And this is yourfirst time attending
the South Beach Comedy Festival?
-Yep, this is the first time.
And who are your favoritesso far that you want to see?
-Oh, what's that guy's name?
-Michelle Buteau's good.
I like her.
-Do you like her?She's one of my favorites.
-Well, there's a lot ofperformers you should checkout.
Katt Williams willbe performing.
-Oh, I love him.
-Yeah, do you like black people?
Because he's excellent.
-Yeah, I love allthe black comedian.
Like Richard Pryor wasthe greatest, right?
-Richard Pryor, he's goingto be performing too.
-No, he's not.-No, no, come on.
He's not.-No he's not.
I'm just pulling your leg.
It's just a festival.
It's a little channel.
-Do you have cable?
-Sure I do.
You look like youhave good credit.
-Tonight, all weekend.
-Katt Williams isperforming, Louis CK.
-Katt, that's my boy.
I love Katt.
-Yeah, we're Myspace friends.
Michelle Buteau is performing.
-Some funny girl.
-Oh, I never heard of her.
Well, thank you.
See you later.
Guys, the comedy isjust not on the stage.
It's also on Lincoln Road.
-God made you perfect.
Where do you buy your weed?
So are you originallyfrom Miami?
I've been here sixand half years.
Where you from?
And do you guys growbirds in Toronto?
What's your birds name?
Sunny, say what's up?
Yeah, he's not feeling the mic.
-Sunny's not feeling comedy.
Does Sunny like the funny haha?
-Sunny's a funny bird.
-You should come to theshows, because there's
other guys that arelooking for girls.
And they have birds.
And they're looking forsomebody that's into birds.
-Uh huh, that's right.
How do you saycomedy in Italian?
-Isn't that food?
-Do you guys have likestand-up comics in Italian,
in Italy, the haha funny laugh?
-Yeah, of course.
-Well, you know,there's like a comedy
festival going on right now?
And they are doing jokesabout Italian people.
-No, we don't know.
We don't know nothing.
We're just tourists.
-Yeah, they makejokes about spaghetti.
-Do you guys likechocolate for dessert?
-No, we [inaudible]lasagna, you know?
-Are you down with the brown?
-No, I no understand you.
-Do you like black girls?
-No, not so much.
--[inaudible] It'slike an Italian Harry
Potter and Italian Chris Farley.
And I'm like, hereare my panties.
You can say anythingwith an accent.
Thanks for hanging, rolling,and chilling with the girl.
This has been MichelleButeau hanging out
on the South BeachComedy Festival.
If you didn't get achance to come this year,
definitely come next year.
And look cute.
Ladies, don't forget to shave.
-I grew up in a townthat was very rural.
You know, I don't know if youguys have this in Florida,
That's like allwe had in my town.
Every six months, ameth lab would blow up,
and we'd lose a goodJV football coach.
Back home, I rememberour high school
coach got caughtwith meth at a game.
He told the school, he'slike, listen you all.
I bought it, but I never used.
I never bought drugsand not used them.
I mean, they're not condoms.
And that goes foryou, women in Florida.
I'll be in a hotel.
I did this TV show too.
It was 1:30 in the morning.
And at first the booker didn'twant me to tell the meth joke
because he said he wantedto show to be appropriate
for children as young as seven.
I was like dude, if aseven-year-old is watching TV
at 1:30 in the morning,the meth joke will work.
You guys a lot ofJews in this town?
Make some noiseif you're Jewish.
Like complain about something.
I'm Jewish too.
I suck at it.
I go to Red Lobster religiously.
I-- I suck at it.
And like Jews, we're notsupposed to eat shellfish
because it's expensive, but--it's not-- I was like the only
Jewish kid in my town too,which was hard because all
these rednecks, theydidn't like Jews,
but they didn't knowanything about us.
You know, I'd getthose weird insults.
Hey Jew boy, go back to Utah.
Queer, ha ha.
Hava Nagila, bitch.
And what am I going to say that?
Jewish guys, we'renot very tough.
I can't-- Jewishguys can't fight.
I mean like-- as far asJews go, I'm kind of tough.
Like, but I'm not t--like you know what I mean?
Like not tough, but for a Jew.
Like if I'm at your bar mitzvah,and there's one bagel left,
I'm going to get that.
There's no doubt.
But-- but ingeneral Jewish guys,
you don't usually see twoJews coming towards you
and get scared.
Unless you're in a courtroom.
But that's only in this country.
Jews are very tough in Israel.
It's very different.
Like you go to Israel,you're like, whoa.
Totally differentJews over there.
Man, there's holding guns.
They're not holdingallergy medicine.
It's like a totaldifferent ball game.
-Are you guys intopolitics, Florida?
Who you planning on accidentallyvoting for this year?
-I'm not a political person.
People think I'm very politicalbecause I bought a used car
and it already hadbumper stickers on it.
I'm not political,it's just really hard
to take off a bumper sticker.You know what I mean?
Like, I got to scrapeand peel, and I'm like,
screw it-- I'm against abortion.
And all these political stories,they're not really scary.
They try to freak us out.
Like global warming,you guys scared of that?
No, because it's goingto be warmer, right?
Like if it was globalnippy, that would suck.
But warmer's cool, right?
Like the other storethey try to scare us
with-- the Americansare getting fat thing.
They always say,Americans are getting fat.
It's like, well, I'm not fat.
But Americans are getting fat.
But I'm not fat.
It's kind of like they'resaying, you need to watch out.
You're becoming relativelybetter looking every day.
-You're gettingsexy, tone it down.
And kids are fat.
I don't know if you guys knowthat, but all kids are fat now.
Which must be reallyweird, you know
because like when I was a kidnot a lot of kids were fat
and they got picked on.
And they shouldn't have.
And I wonder if they still do.
I wonder if bullies arewalking around-- you're fat.
So are you.
I didn't think of that.
-It must be convenient.
Kids are like, youplaying freeze tag?
No, we're all kind ofhaving chest pains.
We're not moving around today.That's what's--
-I mean, that's whythey had to get rid
of dodgeball-- thepoor kids can't dodge.
They're just-- oh, Ihave chest pains now.
You know who thinks we're fat?
They all think we're thehumongous, like dinosaurs.
Now that's the weirdthing, you go to Europe
and you go a countryand they'll have
all these strongopinions about America.
And we don't have the firstopinion about their country
I was in Swedenand they were like,
in Sweden we say Americansare fat and lazy.
What do you say about us?
That you're vikings.
-You guys wear the hats.
You rape and pillageThat's about all
I know about your culture.
Is weed legal here?
-This is an interesting show.
I'll tell youbecause as a comic,
I always performat comedy clubs.
And they're very different thanthis because in a comedy club
the audience is forcedto have two drinks.
So to be honest, Idon't know if I'm
funny or not in frontof sober people.
It might turn out that allthese years, I have sucked,
and the audience has beentrashed out of their minds.
That's why they always makethe audience have two drinks
because comedy clubs are veryinsecure about the quality
of the show.
So they figure if the audiencesis smashed, it's always good.
I think other businessesshould jump on that wagon.
You know, go into a restaurant.
Come on in, the food is great.
But before you eat, youhave to smoke some weed.
Because we're going to serveHot Pockets up in this bitch,
but if you're high,it will be good.
So I go by Mo Mandel becausemy parents are hippies.
And they gave methe name Mohahn.
Mohahn is Hindu.
It's Indian, and I am white.
They didn't know at the time.
I feel like a dick whenI call tech support.
It's like, I knowI should know this.
Having hippie parentsis messed up. man.
My mom used to smoke a lotof weed around the house.
Anybody's parentsrolling that weed up?
No, If you're a parent,don't smoke weed
in front of your kids becauseit ruins weed for your kids.
And that's selfish.
Seriously, seeing your mom rolljoints, that's confusing, man.
The first time someone offeredme a joint in high school,
I'm like, I'm not goingthrough menopause.
Why would I want this?
My temperature's fine.
I'm very fertile right now.
I live in Los Angeles.
Kind of an interesting place.
The people are kind of retarded.
Everyone's trying to beedgy all the time, you know,
even when they shouldn't be.
You know I went intothe mall the other day.
I saw a rich, whitesuburban kid wearing
a shirt that said "F the Cops."
So I robbed him.
Who was going tostop me, the cops?
I doubt that seriously.
I could stab that kid.
The cops would walk up.
Looks fine to me.
-I got a cousin that justgot in a car accident.
He was driving histruck, he flipped it,
he was thrown from the vehicle.
He was thrown so far andhigh, when he landed,
he hit the ground,and his thing popped.
True story, didn't evenknow it could happen.
And secondly, how wasthat not the slogan
for wear your seat belt?
Click it or ticketrhymes, yeah, but click it
or your penis will explodereally drives home the point.
You throw that up on abillboard, guess what?
I'm going to click it, yeah.
Not gonna ask ifthere's a fine involved.
I'm gonna ask for anotherseat belt most likely
and a five point harness orthe roll cage and a helmet,
like a tiny penis helmet.
A full faced onetoo, not the kind
that killed Dale Earnhardt.
I want some real protection.
Ever since I happen to mycousin, when I get in the car
I put a Ziploc baggyaround the goodness.
Because if it does pop,I want it all contained.
I don't need somedoctor fumbling
around looking fora corner piece,
trying to use skin from my butt.
No, I will not sign that.
My grandparents got ina car accident recently.
It wasn't as bad, itwas a small fender
bender with a beauty salon.
Swear to God, theyhit a building.
My grandpa's like,let's let the insurance
company decide who's at fault.
I think we know, yeah.
It didn't start outin front of you.
It had been there for 32 years.
-He said what happened wasthat the car was in park,
but it was in drive.
He went to hit the brakes,but he hit the gas,
and then his foot went numb.
Holy baloney, wasthere also a tornado?
Just say, I'm old, I'll drivewherever the hell I want.
That building wasn'tthere when I started.
I fought in a war.
-My family wantshim to stop driving.
I want him to driveeverywhere I go.
Hey, I'm going to go toDairy Queen with Grandpa,
we're going to take thatshortcut through Ace Hardware.
-Successful marriagemeans one of us
is going to get towatch the other one die.
And I know it's weird whenyou put it into words,
but that's what it means, ma'am.
It's not a good marriageunless someday one of us
is standing over theother one's dead body,
shaking hands, crying,thinking we did it!
We-- we win.
Where's my prize?
That's a good marriage.
If you're lucky,it ends that way.
If you're unlucky, you'vegot to get divorced and have
sex with a lot of other people.
And yuck, you know?
Who wants that?
Is she the one?
I love her to death,but no, she's not.
She's one of the ones, andthat's good enough, right?
There's a lot of ones out there.
There's 6 billionpeople on Earth.
I'm supposed to thinkthere's one person for me?
Wow, hope she lives near me.
What if she lives in Bangladesh?
I bought her a reallyexpensive engagement ring.
One of the reasons is I liketo look at other engaged women
and be like, oh,somebody loves you less.
Maybe if you pick up abroom every once in a while,
you get a diamond I couldsee from across the room.
We did, uh-- we did have asmooth relationship, totally.
We did break upfor a little bit.
We lived together.
She moved out while I wason the road, so I come home,
I open the door,my first thought
is I didn't even haveto help her move.
That's pretty sweet.
She took all the curtainsand the toilet paper,
which seem unrelatedon the surface
until I found myselfin the bathroom one day
realizing I had notoilet paper, quickly
realizing I had no curtains.
And I got to go througha pantless adventure
through my apartmentdoing a belly crawl
against the hardwoodfloor, looking
for a napkin or a notepador a kitten, just something.
Something to hook me up.
-"My Sweet 16," that's my show.
You watch that on MTV?
Any other MTV watchers?
Have you guys seen show"My Super Sweet 16" on MTV?
All right, all right.
For everybody else, I'llexplain it real quick.
There's a show onMTV right now where
for these kids 16th birthdays,their parents will throw them
like this-- they'llspend a couple hundred
thousand dollars on the party.
And I saw this episode,a lot of people saw it.
It was the one where the girlknew she was getting a red drop
top Mercedes for her 16thbirthday, like we all did.
So-- so to throw her off--and I cannot make this up--
her dad bought her another car.
So follow that.
She's expecting a redMercedes to come out
of the back driveway,and it's a black SUV
with a red ribbon comes out.
And she turns to thecameras, and says,
"I already havetwo cars in black."
Think about that for a second.
And then her redMercedes comes out.
She gets in the car, turnsback to the cameras, and says,
"My dad finally gotone thing right."
Got in her car, and drove off.
And I watched that episode,and I thought about myself
growing up brokein Cleveland, Ohio.
For my 13th birthday,my Uncle Donald
bought me a bag of thoseplastic green army men.
And like, y'all are giggling.
That's all I got.
The only thing was like all mycousins were bigger than me,
so they would take thedudes in the cool positions.
So the only dude I had leftwas that cat on the phone.
You remember thatdude in the pack?
So my army wa justlike five gay guys
standing outside of a club.
But I was happy to have them!
-I'm tired of like16-year-olds looking at me
like I'm the creepy old guy now.
I go to these MiamiBeach night clubs
and I'm clearly the olddude in the club now.
I don't that.
I feel uncomfy.
You know, when I was at theclub-- I don't even know,
I was at Mansion orsomething last night--
and I thought Iwas doing my thing.
I was doing my little two-step.
Like, I'm 30 so my rhythm'soff a little bit now.
You know what I'm saying?
I thought I wasdoing my thing and I
then I saw this girl point out.
I was like like, oh,she thinks I'm cute.
And then I heard what shesaid and she was like, look,
even that deaf blackguy's trying to dance.
Ugh, what else isgoing on out here?
It's cool to be back in Miami.
When I was here I didn'teven do comedy, though.
I used to be ateacher down here.
All right, a couple people care.
Do you guys thinkyou're at a taping
of a Montel Williams event?
You can clap.
Dude, I taught seventhgrade here in Miami, man.
And it's weird, every time youtell people that you taught
middle school, everybody's likethat must've been terrible.
Man, teaching is not thatbad except for the kids, man.
It's dealing with the parents.
Those parent teacherconferences, every morning
where I used to have to sitacross from parents who looked
just like you guys andfind a really nice way
to tell you that yourchild is mildly retarded.
That was the onlypart I was good at.
They would get me for kidsI wasn't even teaching.
Because it's always thesame question every morning.
Like, look, Mr. Jackson, ourson got an F in your class.
Why he got a F?
And I'll tell them,I couldn't get
that little bastarda G. All right.
F is as low as I can go.
I'm trying to get somelegislation passed.
Don't worry, he can still beour president so we're cool.
Oh, did I sneak a politicaljoke in the middle
of a rainy street performance?
Dude, is anybody stilldown with Bush, anybody?
Not one person?
Dude, I feel this.
Man, I feel like I wasthe last black dude
on the planet that wasstill down with him.
I'm going to tell you why.
In 2001, when I was actuallystill teaching here in Miami,
we had to stopschool that day he
gave that educationpress conference on CNN.
And that was the one wherehe looked in the camera
and he asked our nation"is our children learning?"
Do y'all remember that?
I was in a classroom filledwith 35 seventh graders.
I was like, yes, they is.
You dumb bastard.
Why does our president talklike a foreign exchange student?
-Lot of crazy stuffgoing on in politics.
Let's do it like this.
Where are my Hillary people at?Hillary in the house?
All right, well, thelesbians have spoken.
That's early, andthat's out of the gate.
That's right out of the gate.
What about myBarack Obama people?
Are you guys here?
That was cool.
He took Iowa, man.
I was surprised he took Iowa.
I don't know if you guys saw,they were surprised he got Iowa
because-- not thathe got white votes,
but people were surprisedthat he got the black votes.
Because CNN put apoll out, and people
said that he wasn'tblack enough.
You guys have heard this?
And I'm like, dude, he'srunning for president, right?
Do you know what I'm saying?
What do you want him to do?
Get off the AND1Mixtape Tour bus?
You know, smoking a bluntin the back, with Snoop
Give him some basketballshorts, call him
da candidate or something.
All right, do you know whatthe AND 1 Mixtape Tour is, sir?
No, all right.
It's Negroes dribbling.
Do you know whata blunt is, sir?
It's when you get a cigar andyou hollow it out and you-- OK.
I'm just kidding.
This is fun!
What else is going on?
Good to be back here in Miami.
Man, I used to live here.
I miss it here.
You guys, it's weird to comeback because you guys take
so much stuff forgranted here, man.
And it's not even just like theweather, the women, and stuff
Like, little stuff youall don't even care about.
You all got, like, BrandsMart.
See, you guys don't care.
Isn't the stuff inBrandsMart so cheap
you feel like somethingillegal is going on in there?
You go in there, you're like,how much is that flat screen?
They're like, just takeit, dawg, just take it.
And you've got to go backto that weird, loading dock
area no one's makingeye contact on.
I don't like it.
-People like, oh, you'renot Spanish, you're black.
I'm like, that'swhat's going on.
They're like, you're black,but how'd you get so light?
Like it's a recipe or something.
Like I must know what did youput in it, it is delicious.
I'm like, thank you.
Yeah, start that rumor.
Let me break it down, Miami.
You want to knowhow I got so light.
It's easy, y'all.
It's called colonialism.
Thank you ten peoplethat went to school.
The rest of you all I'lljust wait until February.
And it's so crazy because alllight skinned black people
either know each other,look alike, or are related.
This guy the other dayhe's like, damn girl,
you know who you look like?
I'm like, who?
He's like, Lenny Kravitz.
Excuse me, he has a penis.
I was just in Londonlast year doing comedy.
All the kids keptrunning up to me.
They all thought Iwas a Spice Girl.
I cross the street,all I heard was, Scary!
I'm like, you havenot seen scary yet.
God, these kids.
And the kids are allabout the Myspace.
Make some noise ifyour on Myspace.
Make some noise ifyour more on Facebook.
OK, the nerds areon the Facebook.
That's what I learned.
I am definitely more Myspace.
I just joined Facebook.
I didn't even know what it was.
I was doing a showa couple months ago.
This guy comes up tome and he's like, hey,
girl, I'm going to Facebook you.
And I was like--
--I'm like, I need dinner first.
Hello, I got standards, OK?
He's like, no, no,no, girl, I'm just
going to write on your wall.
I'm like, ew!
He's like, my bad.
My bad, I'll just poke you.
I'm like, OK.
-I have a lot ofPuerto Rican friends
back home in New York,because you guys multiply.
But let me tell you something.
I'm sorry, how many cousins?
You guys have the best parties.
If you're not PuertoRican, you should
go to a Puerto Ricanparty on purpose.
They'll roll up on you.
I went to one a few months ago.
I had the best time, y'all.
It was a funeral,but don't judge me.
The most fun at afuneral I ever had.
There was an open barand a DJ at the funeral.
I was in the back.
I was like Reggae Toneat a funeral, girl.
I was like, I got two numbersat this funeral, girl.
Shut up, shut up.
I'm like, who is dying next?
Who is dying next?
My hips don't lie.
But I got a lot ofnationalities, too, though,
not just Puerto Rico.
On Lincoln Road today, thisguy thought I was Brazilian.
He's speaking Portuguese to me.
He was throwing pork at me.
I was like, what?
I don't think I look Brazilianeither, because I wear clothes.
Yeah, I said it.
But I had to learnsome Spanish, y'all.
Apparently, Ilooked that Spanish.
So I was like, you know what,girl, I'm going to learn some
Spanish when I go visitSpanish-speaking countries,
Yeah, [spanish], bitch.
I was lost.
I was like, I can't.
The first phrase I learnedSpanish is tienes pollo.
Do you have chicken?
I ain't missing no meals.
The second phrase I learnedSpanish is no toca mi pelo.
Don't touch my hair.
Let me wear it first.
It's a black thing.
And the third very importantSpanish phrase I learned,
y'all, is no venga in mi boca.
Thank you, girl.
I am like mayonnaise.
It's a lot for a girl.
-But you know what I love?
I love diversity.
I love to mix it up.
I'm a big fan ofinterracial relationships.
I love it.
I feel like two ugly peoplefrom two different races
will always have a cute kid.
If you're laughing, you havean ugly friend, hook them up.
I don't know if you guysknow Derek Jeter is.
He plays for the Yankees.
You guys know?
He is so attractive.
He is attractive, y'all.
And he is black and white.
I don't know if you'veever seen his parents,
but they are fugly.
I mean they look mildlyretarded, and I'm being nice.
And he is beautiful.
That is an interracialrelationship, y'all.
Because really, guys, Miami, atthe end of the day, the moral
of the story is whether you'reblack, white, Spanish, Indian,
retarded, you shouldn'tcare what color someone is.
[cheers and screams]
The rest of y'all racist.
Y'all shouldn't care what colorsomeone is because eventually
we're all the samecolor in the dark.
We just happen to tastea little different.
Who's done the research?
Let's see how manypeople that are hoes.
Let me tell you something.
My parents mixedit up a little bit.
My mom is from Jamaicaand my dad is from Haiti.
The right one's bigger.
I feel it.
I love beingJamaican and Haitian,
y'all, but somehow thismakes me a Puerto Rican.
[screams and cheers]
I never got an email.
I'm just on the team.
People are like, damn, girl,what's your nationality?
Where are you from?
I'm like I'm Jamaicanand and Haitian.
They're like, really?
What part of PuertoRico is that?
And I'm like very west.
I, uh-- and I don't even thinkI look that Puerto Rican either
because I ain't got no kids.
But I, uh-- Oh!
Who said it?
I said it.
-I was at Macy's today, man.
I was really tryingto find something
to fit over my woman parts.
It wasn't workingout, so I was like,
screw it, purfume--that always fits.
You know I like to smellgood, taste even better.
Hey, you can use that.
Sharing is caring.
So then I end up inthe makeup section
where you get theperfume and stuff.
I see this little black baby,she couldn't be more than two
or three years old.
She is unattended.
She is screaming atthe top of her lungs.
She's like, and that's myname, and that's my name,
and that's my name.
I'm like, who is watchingthis little crack baby?
I'm like, where is AngelinaJolie when you need a bitch?
I said it.
And that's my name.
And finally, I heard her mother.
Her momma's like, Clinique!
This BET is messing my youth up.
Its so nice to be performingfor adults and three kids
with no parents.
Let me tell you something.
I've been performing for alot of college kids lately.
And you guys arecool, but it's so
annoying how hopefulyou guys look.
I'm like, wait tillyou get your first STD.
Thank god for penicillin.
And I love dating a college man.
It really takes me back.
It was so much easier.
This is all you had to do tobe my boyfriend in college.
You buy me a beer, you dancewith me four songs in a row.
That was it.
You were my man whetheryou knew it or not.
And I remember being so brokeand so hungry in college,
if you bought me French frieson your meal card, I loved you.
And if they were curlyfries, I was touching it.
Don't judge me.
That tastes like chicken,and I was hungry.
If you're clapping, you're a ho.
So anyways-- I'm not judging.
I'm not judging.
Let's go get a drink.
I am not judging.
But man, I was so brokeand so hungry in college.
I used to fill outthe credit card
applications forthe free candy bars.
That is a ghetto mess.
I'd fill out creditcard applications
for free candy bars, y'all.
By the time I graduated,I had bad credit
and type two diabetes.
That is not cute.
I'm Stephen Lynch, andI'm here at the South
Beach Comedy Festival.
I found the inside of myhotel room to be beautiful.
Yeah, and I have notventured outside.
You know, I'm from the north.
I like it cold.
I'm sticky andhot, and you know,
from my air-conditioned room.
I'll probably hit a coupleof bars and casinos,
and try to-- try to spend allthat huge Comedy Central money
that I'm getting for doing this.
I've been here many times.
Never to Miami, but I'veplayed West Palm, and Orlando,
and, uh, Fort Lauderdale,all the spring break towns.
But I've never hit the tropicalparadise that is Miami.
Yeah, my special just aired,and I've heard it's OK.
I've never watched it, and Iprobably will never watch it
because, you know, wonderful asyou guys-- the job you guys do
with these specials,I'm far too nit
picky and critical of my ownperformances to, uh, watch
Because I'd be, like,oh, I missed that note,
and I screwed upthat guitar part.
So I hear it's pretty good,but I've never seen it.
I'm writing a newalbum, and I hope
to have that done sometimein 2020 at this rate.
No, the sooner, the better.
I need to, you know, finishit up and record it, and then
get back out on theroad and tour with it.
I'm Brad Williams, and I'mhere at the South Beach Comedy
Festival, lookingto bring some love
to Miami, because let's face it.
They've got gays, they've gotwhites, they've got Cubans,
they've got trannies,but not many midgets.
Let's change that.
You in the Comedy Central worldmay know me from the show Mind
of Mencia, where I'mconstantly being dressed up
in crazy outfits and doingoutlandish things for sport.
And, uh, but now you get to seeme in live form doing stand up.
He does stand up?
What could it mean?
So yeah, it's going to be fun.
There's certain obviousthings I have to talk about,
because if I don't the audienceis probably gonna start
whispering to eachother, does he know?
But pretty much, uh, mycomedy comes from real life.
Real-life situations,real-life scenarios
that have happened to me.
I get robbed, Ifind a joke in it.
So yeah, it's just, uh, humorousobservations pretty much.
When you're backing up yourcars in the parking lot,
please look behind ya.
Every now and then honk, becausetoo many little people are
losing their lives to senselessreverse backing-up accidents.
We're being run overat an alarming rate,
and we're tired of wearingflags on our backpacks
to mark our territory.
Please watch out behind you.
I love South Beach.
I think anywhere where women areallowed to walk around topless
without the fear of persecutionis a glorious thing.
And I-I don't thinkit should be limited
to just 120-pound hotties.
No, you know what?
Everyone have a ball.
Just yeah, if you're320 pounds, let
those 50-pound boobiesjust hang down.
Just try not to have them him mein the head as I'm walking by.
While I'm down here, I want tohave a few nights that I don't
remember, a few nightsthat I remember,
but plenty, plenty of stories.
That's my goal.
And my first isobviously sitting here
with the official ComedyCentral-licensed beach ball.
I feel like I'm in some kindof comedian Playboy shoot
It's a little weird.
Someone should be like fanningme or throwing water on me
or something like that.
It could be fun.
Everyone out inComedy Central land,
this is Brad Williams from theSouth Beach Comedy Festival.
If you're watchingthis on a computer,
go back to what you shouldbe doing on the computer.
You know, [whistles], I see.
I'm Susie Essman.
This is comedycentral.com.
We're at the South Beach ComedyFestival at the Lincoln Theatre
where, in just one hour, Iwill be working my magic.
Tonight, what am Igoing to talk about?
You know, I don't even know.
I never know until Istep out on the stage.
There'll be stuff about myfour teenage stepchildren.
There'll be stuff about sex.
There'll be stuffabout relationships.
There'll be stuffabout my family.
There'll be stuffabout South Beach--
whatever comes into my head.
I just make it up.
My grandmother used to live on39th Street and Collins Avenue.
So when I was a kid, Iused to come down here
and hang out withher all the time.
And it's changed since then.
Like then, it was justlike old Jewish lady-ville.
But she was my favoriteperson in the whole world.
So I have extremely fondmemories of South Beach.
And just-- every time Icome here, just the smell
and the colors--and it's extremely
evocative to me of ahappy time in my life.
So I love it here.
Plus I like to vacationplaces where's there's
good food, goodshopping-- gays and Jews.
So I'm in heaven.
One of the things that Ilove about doing "Curb"
is that it's so muchlike my stage stuff
because it's improvised.
I like acting.
But getting a scriptand memorizing lines
is, like, horrifying to me.
And I stay up the entirenight before worrying
that I'm not gonnaremember my lines.
And I never do.
But "Curb," we completelyimprovise the script.
There's a very detailed outlineof exactly what scene is-- what
each scene issupposed to-- what's
supposed to happenin each scene.
But there's no dialogue.
So it's very much likestand-up in the way
that-- the way that I domy stand-up, which is very
spontaneous and just improvised.
And you never know what'sgonna come out of my mouth.
The difference is stand-upthere's a live audience.
"Curb" is shot in frontof nothing-- you know,
not in front of a live audience.
It's a single-camera shoot.
But Larry is kind ofmy live audience cause
Larry loves to beyelled at and cursed at.
And every time I tell himto go [bleep] himself,
and every time Iscream and yell at him,
he just gets hysterical laughingfor hours and hours and hours.
So that's how I know it's funny.
On Curb, you know, I'mjust called the filthiest
woman in Americafor my language.
And I let my kids-- I havefour teenagers, 16-- wait, 14--
I left out the littleone-- 14, 16, 18, and 19.
And I let them watch"Curb" because, to me,
language it's soinnocuous, you know.
Who cares if they--in school, they
haven't heard the word [bleep]?
I doubt it.
But I won't let themcome see my act.
Because my act--the content is much
more edgy than the language.
Susie Greene isactually a prude.
She just screams and yellsand curses all the time.
But she would never talk aboutsex or anything improper,
She's got her rulesand her standards.
Susie Essman has norules and no standards
and will talk about anything.
-Hi, my name is Ralphie May.
I'm here at the SouthBeach Comedy Festival
for the "Meanest Men in Comedy"with my buddy Jeffrey Ross.
Uh, we're going to rough somepeople up and have a good time
and give them a great show.
Even though I'mnot the meanest man
in comedy or evenin the top, like 20.
I, uh-- I mean, really,what could we name the show?
I mean, we can't call itthe "Kings of Comedy."
We can't call it,uh, "Blue Collar."
We can't, uh-- someanest was it.
I mean, really, think about it.
It couldn't be "LeanestMen in Comedy," could it?
No, don't think so.
I love Miami.
Apparently with thisfestival being here,
Miami's not just forcocaine and whores anymore.
And it's-- it's tremendous.
I-- I am reallyhappy to be here.
It's a little humid,as you can tell.
I'm sweating over here.
Uh, it's, uh-- but hey, I'm fat.
I'm used to sweating.
You know, I figurein about 20 minutes
my titties are goingto smell like vinegar.
And, uh, c'est la vie.
Just a little tip to thewise if you come down here.
When you eat Cubanfood, uh, let--
let the, uh-- let it cool off.
Because apparently them Cubanboys, they fry up, uh, lava.
I had an empanada.
It hit my mouth atabout 1,100 Kelvin.
So there's a little tip for you.
Also, the littlebaby doll tea set
cup of coffee they have for you?
That's all you need OK?
I got cocky thinking, youknow, hey, this is America.
What are you all rationingbecause you're dirty Cubans?
I need a whole cupof coffee, Diego.
I didn't know thatwas equivalent to like
five shots of espresso.
So they got me a 10ounce glass of coffee.
And, um, I drank it.
It took me 10minutes to drink it.
For that 10 minutes, Icould see into the future.
The coffee washed over me.
And, um-- and then when I setit down, I [bleep] my pants.
I dropped a dos as they say.
Instead of a deuce,it's a dos here.
Um, I, uh-- it was a-- andthere wasn't even a preamble.
There wasn't a uh-oh.
I dropped it like it was hot.
Uh, I ended upshaking for 96 hours
and just crying toJesus to help me sleep.
And finally, one ofmy buddies down here
gave me a bump of cocaine and Icould come off of that coffee.
A little tip to the wise to you.
-This is Jeffrey Ross,the Roastmaster General.
I am down heremaking fun of people.
I've seen a lot of cute guys.
I don't usually go that way,but something came down.
I don't know if theair, the humidity,
but I became gayabout 24 hours ago.
Bought some rollerblades, been hanging
out outside Versace Mansion.
And, uh, I don't know.
I think I've slept with16 guys since I got here?
I don't think it's for me.
I gave it a shot,but it was fun.
Sex, drugs, and comedy.
How about that?
I only roast the onesI love, except for you.
I don't like you.
-So Walter, youenjoying the Festival?
And you've beento all the events?
-Haven't been to anything.
And I don't give a damn, either.
-You-- you want to come back?
It's been fantastic.
-Um, you like Florida?
-I love Fort Lauderdale.
-Well, that's good.
And Miami, not so much.
-I don't know.
Miami, is that still partof the United States?
I think so.
What else do you want to know?
No one cares.
It's so fun being outsidein the humidity, you know,
and I'm in a sweater.
Thank you for that.
No one cares.
-What have you foundinteresting in South Beach?
-Uh, I love South Beach.
I love this part ofFlorida, because everyone
here looks exactly like me.
-Yeah, a lot of old folks,a lot of noisy music.
I can't hear myself talk.
No one speaks English.
What a fantastic place to be.
-That's very nice.
So Walter, are you enjoyingthe internet thing?
-Oh, yes, fantastic.
I get on the internetall the time.
It's a fad.
I give it three months, tops.
Hey, where's Dave Attell.
I love Dave Attell.
I got to talk to thefrickin' camera guy.
I want the bald guy thatdrinks and smokes pot.
That's who we need.
-Comedy Central here with KattWilliams, hanging out in Miami.
So what's going on, Katt?
-Not much, sir, having some fun.
-Having some fun?
What's going on, you bowling?
-I am bowling.
-Are you a big bowler?
-I think so.
-My score is notindicative of that,
but I can get 120 all day.
-Oh, that's great.
Yeah, you did your showtonight, it was great.
-Uh, just to be able to workin Miami is always a pleasure.
So that was important, and theplace gives me good feelings.
I like Miami.
-American Hustle debutedat Comedy Central
and it was huge, like ourbiggest special in years.
How's that make you feel?
-That is all due tothe Chi-Town love.
Thanks to Chi-Townand Comedy Central,
it was-- I don't know what to dowith that kind of information,
so I just say thank you andI gotta get back to work.
-What's next for KattWilliams coming up?
-I'm going kiss mykids back in LA,
and uh-- shout out to Jessica--an then, then I'm good.
I'm gonna try to see what'sgoing with the strike
and write some funny jokes.
-Thanks a lot, Katt.
-Thank you, Iappreciate it, sir.
The only person with haircooler than mine, right here.
from the South BeachComedy Festival.
And with me, we've got one ofthe biggest names in stand-up,
uh, Lisa Lampanelli.
Imagine coming toSouth Beach and being
interviewed by a Hispanic.
-Could you give me more,like, towels in my room?
That was you, right?
-(IN LATINA ACCENT) Yes, ma'am.-I love that.
I love when---Five minutes.
-I love when youHispanics know your place.
-Well, Home Depot'sbeen nice to us.
-They really have.
-I love lumber.
-For those of you that don'tknow who have been living
under a rock, Lisa, youhave a great nickname,
the Queen of Mean.
-Yes, I do, and alsothe [bleep] of Comedy.
But that's not forcomedycentral.com.
Yes, I'm the lovableQueen of Mean.
You put in "lovable" there, soyou can get away with anything
And you do.
You get away--
-Because I'm freakin' lovable.
Look at me.
I'm a wonderful person.
I give to charity many times.
I give to your people, Importa Hispanic Today Foundation.
Give to the gays to savethe gerbil foundation.
I'm a giver and areceiver, by the blacks.
I love the blacks.
Do you enjoy the blacks?
-Oh, of course.
-I knew you did, becauseyou got the bootie, too?
-Oh, it's so great.
I have [bleep] more blackguys than Hurricane Katrina.
And let me tell you something--
-Sorry to mention a tragedylike Katrina and a tragedy
like having sex with me.
-So actually, for thoseof you that don't know,
Lisa Lampanelliactually has two shows
at the festivalthat are sold out.
Next time put me in thebig place, dumb-asses.
Make some real money, bitch.
I sold out in no time, son.
Comedy theater, mutha effa.
-She actually soldout two shows,
and you have aspecial coming up.
-Oh, my god, I totally do.
It's my second one-hourspecial with Comedy
Central called "Dirty Girl."
Now, it hard choosing this name,because I tried "Skanky Whore,"
but that's the name of LindsayLohan's Myspace account.
Then I wanted "CrazyBitch," but then I'd
be confused withAndy Dick's work.
So you know what?
"Dirty Girl" it was.
-I guess [bleep] ofComedy was taken.
-Yeah, 'lil bit, 'lil bit.
But that is onSunday, January 28.
It's for an hour.
They're playing it twice andthen all throughout the week.
Is that cool or what?
-Oh, I know.
Actually, guys, everybody,for those of you
that don't know Lisa, Imean, honestly, you've
been living undera freakin' rock.
But your style of comedy isjust very blunt, you're honest.
-I would say"genius" is the word.
Now, to come upwith the phrases--
it's kind of likeall Hispanics steal
and all blacks kill people.
You have to be a genius.
And that is LL,as I call myself,
Lisa Lampanelli, comedy'slovable Queen of Mean.
And I am abrasive and abusive.
So if you don't likethis type of show,
don't watch it,because seriously,
I don't want no freakin' emails.
-No, that's true.
-No, I get these emailsfrom these soccer mom
type of bitches.
I'm like, bitch, don't watch,I hope your kid gets [bleep].
I'm telling you, if youcan't watch me for an hour,
your kid deservesto get [bleep].
That's all LL says.
LL up in this bitch.
-Like you said,some people think
that you might be offensive.-Yeah.
I would hope so, or else,how am I going to get press?
-Now, is that something that youthink you can actually teach,
or is that just something--I mean, like in stand-up,
you're actually one of themost brutally honest people
out there.-In your face.
-I mean, really,why do you think
it is that more comicsaren't doing that?
-Because they're [bleep]and all that other stuff.
They're [bleep] freaks, becausethey don't take chances,
because they want their littleseven-minute set that shows who
they are, so theycould go to Montreal
and get their deal, whichthey never do, you idiots!
The last successful sitcomby a real comic I think
was Ray, Ray Romano.
And that's not becausehe had seven minutes.
It's because thatwas his character.
So I think a lot of thesecomics today are like,
oh, I want a sitcom,I want a sitcom.
And they do seven [bleep]minutes about their biography.
You're not that interesting,comedians, you're not.
You're boring,you've been abused,
you've probably beentouched by your uncle,
and you're alwaysthe middle child.
It ain't that freakin'interesting. [bleep].
Do what you do.
I say what's in my heart.
I say it with love.
As you could tell, I'm verylovable, a very warm person.
So LL does what LL does.
-I think I'm goingto quit comedy now.
-No, you could come on the roadwith me if you just mow my lawn
and have a leaf blower.
-Oh, so guys, don't forgetto check out "Dirty Girl."
-Yes, January 28.
And thank you so much fortaking time to speak with us.
-I love you.
I would shake your hand,but I have rings on
and they'll be missing.
-[laughs] Thank you.
-Yeah, I love you, man.