Wednesday, January 28, 2015

  • 01/28/2015

Moshe Kasher, Michelle Wolf and Nikki Glaser come up with catchphrases for the all-female "Ghostbusters" remake, #RedneckABook and list the worst jobs in America.

>> CHRIS: IT'S 11:59 AND 59SECONDS.

YESTERDAY DIRECTOR PAUL FEIGBURIED THE NEEDLE ON THE

INTERNET'S P.K.E. METER WITHTHIS TWEET ANNOUNCING THE

CASTING FOR SONY'S NEW"GHOSTBUSTERS" MOVIE, AND YES,

IT'S TRUE, YOUR HONOR-- THISCAST HAS NO DICK.

AND I SAY ( BLEEP ) YES!

AND LET ME TELL YOU WHY THIS ISAWESOME.

OKAY. KRISTEN WIIG, AMAZING INEVERYTHING.

MELISSA MCCARTHY, HILARIOUS INEVERYTHING.

KATE MCKINNON, PHENOMENAL.

LESLIE JONES-- NOT ONLY ISLESLIE GREAT ON SNL, BUT SHE

JUST GOT CAST IN HER FIRSTHOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER AT THE AGE

OF 47 AND THAT IS GODDAMNINSPIRING.

WHAT IS NOT TO LOVE, RIGHT?

WHAT IS NOT TO LOVE.

WELL, THE LONELY, CANTANKEROUSHOLE-POKING MACHINE KNOWN AS THE

INTERNET TOOK TO SOCIAL MEDIATO EXPRESS ITS ANGER.

MANY MISOGYNISTS DIGUSISED ASPOP CULTURE ENTHUSIASTS

WERE TERRIFIED BEYOND THECAPACITY OF RATIONAL THOUGHT.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

HERE'S THE FIRST TWEET HERE --

THE "GHOSTBUSTERS" BEING ALLFEMALE MAKES NO SENSE.

THE ORIGINAL MOVIE HAD ALL GUYS,KEEP IT THAT WAY."

UM, NO, WHAT MAKES NO SENSE IS ADUDE WHO CALLS HIMSELF CARLY RAY

JEPSON.

THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

THAT'S CALLED NOT MAKING SENSE.

NOW, I MAY NOT BE A SCIENTIST --I'M MORE LIKE A GAME SHOW HOST.

BUT, I'M ALSO A FAN.

I LOVE "GHOSTBUSTERS."

I CHERISH -- I SAW --

I SAW THIS 10 TIMES IN THETHEATER WHEN IT CAME OUT --

ALONE.

AND PRETTY MUCH QUOTE IT STARTTO FINISH WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE.

THIS IS EXCITING NEWS.

THIS IS AN EXTENSION OF THE YMPSTHEY LOVE SO MUCH IS A KID BEING

MADE BY A BRILLIANT COMEDYWRITER-DIRECTOR.

IT IS NOT A TOTAL PROTONICREVERSAL.

AND, FURTHER ROVING TWITTER ISJUST RIVER OF HATE-SLIME UNDER

THE INTERNET, HOW ABOUT THIS --

WTF, A "GHOSTBUSTERS" REMAKE?

NO. JUST NO.

ANOTHER CHILDHOOD MEMORY RUINED.

NO, MR. STAY PUFT, THAT'S NOT AMEMORY'S WORK.

THAT'S NOT HOW THEY WORK,

IF YOU LOVE THE ORIGINAL MOVIE,YOU'RE STILL ALLOWED TO LOVE IT.

THE ONLY WAY SOMETHING FROM MYCHILDHOOD COULD BE RUINED AND

MAKE ME HATE IT IS IF, SAY, IFOUND OUT IT DRUGGED A BUNCH OF

PEOPLE AND HAD SEX WITH THEM ANDSOMEHOW CONTINUED TO DO STAND-UP

DATES OUTSIDE OF PRISON.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

IS IT POSSIBLE MAYBE THE NEWFILM CANNOT AFFECT YOU IN THE

SAME WAY BECAUSE THE OLD ONESYOU SAW WHEN YOU WERE 11 YEARS

OLD, AND YOU'RE NOT 11 YEARSOLD ANYMORE.

SO STOP ( BLEEP ) ACTING LIKEYOU'RE 11 YEARS OLD AND GET WITH

THE TIMES AND EMBRACE THIS BRAVENEW WORLD WHERE WOMEN WEAR JUMP

SUITS AND FIRE NEUTRINO WANDS.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO WHAT I'MGOING TO DO-- BUY YOUR MOVIE

TICKET, SIT THROUGH A COMEDYBLOCKBUSTER THAT'S GOT SOME COOL

( BLEEP ) IN IT, WALK OUT OF IT,AND TRIUMPHANTLY EXCLAIM, "WE

CAME, WE SAW, WE KICKED ITSASS."

NOW, AS WE ALL KNOW,"GHOSTBUSTERS" IS ONE OF THE

MOST QUOTABLE MOVIES OF ALLTIME, BUT I THINK WE'RE GOING TO

NEED SOME UPDATED CASHPHRASESFOR THESE GHOSTBUSTRESSES.

MOSHE KASHER, GO.

>> I'M REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT THISAFTER THAT BIG SPEECH.

( LAUGHTER )

SO I'M GOING TO NEED THEAUDIENCE TO PARTICIPATE WITH

JUST A CLAP.

♪ WHO YOU GONNA CALL?

YOUR HUSBAND ♪

>> CHRIS: MOSHE, THIS IS WHY WECAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.

MICHELLE WOLF.

>> WHO YOU GONNA CALL AND THENLEAVE A LOGN VOICEMAIL BECAUSE

YOU ALWAYS ANSWER WHEN HE CALLS,AND THEN HE DOESN'T ANSWER WHEN

YOU CALL, AND YOU'RE LIKE, OVERIT.

>> CHRIS: NIKKI GLASER, GO.

>> I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO GHOST,BUT CAN GHOSTS GET YOU PREGNANT.

>> CHRIS: I LOVE THIS TOWN!

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, RIPPED FROMTODAY'S INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S

"RAPID REFRESH."

NOTORIOUSLY TIGHT-LIPPED SEATTLESEAHAWK MARSHAWN LYNCH

CONTINUTED HIS ANTICS TODAY BYANSWERING EVERY REPORTERS'

QUESTION WITH THIS:

>> YOU KNOW WHY I'M HERE.

YOU KNOW WHY I'M HERE.

Y'ALL KNOW WHY I'M HERE.

YOU KNOW WHY I'M HERE.

>> CHRIS: THIS OF COURSE WAS THELONG-AWAITED SEQUEL TO HIS

PERFORMANCE ART AS SUPER BOWLMEDIA DAY:

>> HEY, I'M JUST HERE SO I DON'TGET FINED.

I'M HERE SO I DON'T GET FINED.

I'M JUST HERE SO I WON'T GETFINED.

>> CHRIS: YEAH.

HE SEEMS GREAT.

BY THE WAY, HE SAID, "I'M JUSTHERE SO I DON'T GET FINED" 29

TIMES.

YES, MARSHWHN, THAT'S WHYEVERYBODY DOES STUFF AT THEIR

JOB SO THEY DON'T GET FINED.

AND WHILE IT'S ADORABLE YOU'RETREATING YOUR GIG AT THE NFL

LIKE THE MOVIE "OFFICE SPACE,"DID IT OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE

INTERVIEWING AN ORNERY MUPPETLIL' JON ISN'T THEIR FAVORITE

PART JOB EITHER.

MAYBE THEY DON'T WANT TO BETHERE.

MAYBE IT SUCKS FOR THEM.

SO COMEDIANS, AS ENTERTAINERS,SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA ANSWERS

QUESTIONS YOU DON'T WANT TO.

SO LET'S BE HONEST, GIVE ME THEREAL REASON WHY YOU'RE HERE

TONIGHT, MOSHE.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, TWO WORDS:NERD ( BLEEP ).

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> OH, BOY, I AM AS DRY AS ADESERT.

THAT MEANS YOU'RE NOT IN MYDEMOGRAPHIC.

>> CHRIS: I LIKE HOW YOU TURNEDLIVE LONG AND PROSPER INTO THE

(BLEEP)OUT THING.

IT WOULD BE VERY LOGICAL FOR TOYOU ORGASM RIGHT NOW.

>> VERY SIMILAR TO HIS HAT.

>> CHRIS: MICHELLE.

>> I'M HERE TO MAKE SOME MONEYTO GET A PROCEDURE DONE TO TAKE

CARE OF A PROBLEM.

>> CHRIS: WHAT DO YOU-- WHAT'STHE-- WHAT ARE YOU INDICATING?

I DON'T UDERSTAND.

>> OH, A THINKG. LIKE TO-- TO--YOU KNOW, GET A BABY GONE.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS. POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

THE IOWA FREEDOM SUMMIT WAS HELDLAST WEEK IN A LAST DITCH EFFORT

TO, I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS, FREEIOWA?

FORMER ARKANSAS GOVERNOR MIKHUCKABEE MADE AN APPEARNCE SINCE

HE'S PROMOTE HIS NEW BOOK "GOD,GUNS, GRITS AND GRAVY."

'CAUSE MURICA.

HE CHOSE THAT TITLE BECAUSE"BEER, FIREWORKS, BACON AND TOBY

KEITH'S BAYONET" WAS TOO SUBTLEAND IS ALREADY THE NAME OF A

BAIT SHOP IN BOOGER CREEK,KENTUCKY.

SO IN HONOR OF THAT RATHERON-THE-NOSE BOOK TITLE,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#REDNECKABOOK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

EXAMPLES -- AND, I'M FROMTENNESSEE.

I'M NOT JUST MAKING FUN OFSOUTH.

JUST A SPECIFIC SECT OF HUMANSIN THE SOUTH.

EXAMPLES MIGHT EBE: GONE WITHTHE TORNADO.

OR, PREJUDICE & PREJUDICE.

AND, OF COURSE, THE GIRL WITHTHE CORN DOG TATTOO, RIGHT UP

THERE.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

MOSHE.

>> EAT, PRAY, LYNCH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINTS. GOD DAMNIT.

MICHELLE.

>> I WISH WE COULD STILL CALLTHEM THE HELP.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS, POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> THE DIARY OF ANN COULTER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> THE BIBLE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> GIT'R GONE GIRL.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NIKKI?

>> THE FAULT IN OUR STARS THATHAVE ONLY BEEN AROUND FOR 5,000

YEARS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> THE JOY OF SEX WITH YOURIMMEDIATE FAMILY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> WAFFLE HOUSE FIVE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NIKKI.

POOR DAD, EVEN POORER DAD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> THE OLD MAN AND THE SEEDO.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> HARRY POTTER AND THE HALFBLOOD RELATED WIFE?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NIKKI ONE MORE.

>> CURIOUS UNCLE GORGE.

IT'S NOW TIME TO PLAY EVENT ORINVENTED.

I AM GOING TO READ A PAIR OFEVENTS AND FOR 250 POINTS, YOU

HAVE TO GUESS WHICH ONE WE MADEUP AND WHICH ONE WAS AN ACTUAL

EVENT FROM EVENTBRIGHT.COM.

FIRST ONE: COUPLE'S COUNSELING,HOW YOU AND YOUR PET CAN LIVE IN

HARMONY OR AROMA THERAPY FORDOGS AND CATS.

MOSHE.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY AROMATHERAPY FOR DOGS AND CATS,

BECAUSE SOMETIMES THE BE BOOBOO, YOU KNOW.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, ALRIGHT. LET'SFIND OUT.

THE ANSWER IS AROMA THERAPY FORDOGS AND CATS.

THIS IS, I'M SURE, CONSENSUAL.

>> WHAT IS, WHA KIND OF AROMATHERAPY ARE YOU ABOUT TO ENGAGE

IN?

>> CHRIS: OKAY, SO IF YOUR PETHAS SEIZURES, DON'T TAKE IT TO A

VET.

YOU JUST RUB ITS BELLY WITH SOMESAGE AND EVERYTHING'S FINE --

I GUESS AT THAT POINT.

NEXT ONE, NAKED GIRLS READINGFANTASIES AND FAIRY TAILS, OR

NAKED BRUNCH: BOTTOMLESSMIMOSAS AND PANTSLESS BOTTOMS.

NIKKI?

>> NAKED BRUNCH.

>> CHRIS: NAKED -- LET'S FINDOUT.

NO, NAKED GIRLS READING.

>> WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

I HATE READING.

>> I DIDN'T THINK NAKED GIRLSCOULD READ.

>> CHRIS: THE BOOK IS TELLING MENO, BUT THE BODY--

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE: MOTORCYCLEREPAIR AND SINGLE LESBIANS MEET

UP OR GAY CHUBS AND CHASEERCEBBM SPEED DATING.

MICHELLE?

>> MOTORCYCLE.

>> CHRIS: WELL, THE ANSWER ISACTUALLY GAY CHUB CHASERS AND

BBM SPEED DATING.

>> YUP.

>> CHRIS: THIS IS, UH-- IF YOUWANT TO SEE A BEAR (BLEEP) A

SEAL? THAT'S WHERE YOU WOUD --

>> IT'S, IT'S ACTUALLY AN OTTER.

>> CHRIS: IS THAT AN OTTER?

>> WHICH IS GAY CODE FOR ASMALL, SORT OF SLENDER, SOMEWHAT

HAIRY YOUNG MAN.

>> CHRIS: OH.

>> I LIKE THE MOST FREQUENTLYASKED QUESTION HERE IS "HAT IS

SPEED DATING?"

WHAT? THAT'S WHAT YOU NEEDCLEARING UP ABOUT.

>> CHRIS: YEAH-- THE NUMBER ONEMOST FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION.

-- NOT ABOUT THIS.

OKAY, I'M FINE WITH THE BEARPINNING AN OTTER DOWN AND

( BLEEP ) THE ( BLEEP ) OUT OFIT.

BUT WHAT IS SPEED DATING?

>> WHAT IS SPEED DATING?

>> CHRIS: I HAVE NO IDEA-->> SPEED DATING?

>> CHRIS: WHAT THE CONCEPT OFTHAT MIGHT BE.

( BLEEP ).

WAIT A MINUTE, DOES THAT MEAN--DOES THAT MEAN-- I THINK--

DOES THAT WHEN WE TAKE A BUNCHOF METH AND GO TO DISNEYLAND

TOGETHER? LIKE I DON'T KNOWWHAT--

>> ACTUALLY IN THAT COMMUNITYTHAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANS.

>> I HOPE THIS SELLS OUT.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE,METHTACULAR OR CRANKFEST '15.

MOSHE.

>> CRANKFEST 15.

>> CHRIS: THE CORRECT ANSWER ISMETHTACULAR. COME ON.

>> THAT'S WHAT I WANT UNDERSTANDIT TO BE.

>> YEAH, ME, TOO.

SOLD OUT.

>> CHRIS: YUP, TOTALLY SOLD OUT.

I'M JUST-- I'M JUST GLAD THATMETH HAS A MUSIC SUPERVISOR.

I JUST IMAGINE THAT SHOW -- LIKENORMALLY AT A THEATER, THERE'S

POPCORN ON THE FLOOR, BUT THATONE IS JUST TEETH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> AND ONE GUY ON STAGE GOING,"JESSE!"

>> CHRIS: "MR. WHITE!"

"ALL RIGHT, BITCH!"

>> CHRIS: I STILL, I STILL GOT ALITTLE AARON PAUL THING GOING ON

HERE.

>> YES.

>> CHRIS: YEAH. YEAH.

>> YEAH.

I WAS TOO EMPHATIC ABOUT THAT.

>> CHRIS: LAST ONE, LAST ONE:

SEX AND CARBOHYDRATES: INTUITIVEEATING PRACTICUM AND BIBLE STUDY

FOR WOMEN, OR SEX, CHOCOLATE ANDYOUR PELVIC FLOOR.

MICHELLE.

>> SEX AND CARBOHYDRATES?

>> CHRIS: THE CORRECT ANSWER ISBOTH OF THEM!

THEY'RE BOTH REAL!

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXTGAME, WORST JOBS IN AMERICA.

WORST JOBS IN AMERICA.

THE ANNUAL LIST OF THE 25 BESTJOBS IN AMERICA FOR 2015 WAS

PUBLISHED TODAY BY EMPLOYMENTREVIEW SITE GLASSDOOR.

GLASSDOOR IS BELOVED BY JOBSEEKERS AND HATED BY CARELESS

BIRDS TRAVELING AT TOP SPEED.

SOME GIGS AT THE TOP OFF THELIST -- WORDS ARE FUN AND WE CAN

PLAY WITHE THEM!

SOME GIGS AT THE TOP OF THE LISTWERE PHYSICIAN ASSISTANT AND

SOFTWARE ENGINEER.

WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS, WHAT ARETHE 25 WORST JOBS.

COMEDIANS I WILL GIVE YOU ALITTLE TIME, YOU GIVE ME AS MANY

TERRIBLE JOBS AS YOU CAN. ANDBEGIN.

MICHELLE.

>> THE GUY UNDER MY PODIUM RIGHTNOW.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT.>> CHRIS: NIKKI GLASER.

>> GATHERING OF THE JUGGALO'SBATHROOM ATTENDANT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> WORST OUTSIDE JOB ISDEFINITELY A ROOFER IN SUMMER.

WORST INSIDE JOB, 9/11.

>> CHRIS: POINTS, POINTS.

NIKKE GLASER.

>> SKY MALL COP.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> CHRIS: POINTS, POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> THE GUY THAT HAD TO TASTE THEFIRST COUPLE TRIES OF BILL

GATES' POOP WATER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS, POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> IGGY AZALEA BLACCENT COACH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> A MOM.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> THAT'S NOT A JOB!

>> IT'S THE HARDEST JOB.