CC Presents: Chelsea Peretti

  • Season 15, Ep 3
  • 01/11/2011

Chelsea Peretti talks romance -- her ideal sexual partner, mid-coital jokes and big, dumb guys.

I CAN BE PRETTY JUDGMENTALOF PEOPLE. I CAN. AND I...

I SAW THIS GIRL.

SHE WAS VERY CUTE, BUTSHE WAS WEARING A TEE-SHIRT,

AND IT SAID,"I HEART NERDS" ON IT.

AND I WAS JUST LOOKINGAT HER, AND I WAS LIKE,

"GOD, I WISH I COULD MAKE HERFORCE [deleted] AN ENGINEER

"WITH CYSTIC ACNE FOR JUSTHOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS."

UNTIL SHE WAS JUST LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, I DON'T--I DON'T HEART NERDS-- I DON'T."

"I HEART GOOD-LOOKINGGUYS WHO WEAR EYEGLASSES.

"THAT'S WHAT I HEART."

[applause]

WE'RE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT--REVISE THE SHIRT."

I ALSO DON'T REALLY CAREFOR THREE-LEGGED DOG OWNERS.

I-I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY ARE THERE SO MANYTHREE-LEGGED DOGS NOW?

IS THERE AN ALLIGATOR PITBESIDE A DOG RUN SOMEWHERE

THAT NEEDS TO BE TAKENCARE OF-- WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I DON'T LIKETHEIR ATTITUDE.

I FEEL LIKETHEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,

"I DON'T EVEN NOTICE IT,I DON'T EVEN NOTICE IT.

"I DON'T SEE IT,I DON'T SEE IT.

"DO YOU SEE IT--I DON'T SEE IT.

"MY DOG'S JUSTA SPIRIT TO ME."

YOU KNOW, LIKE,I FEEL LIKE--

I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE JUDGING ME,LIKE, THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT?

"DO YOU LIKEDOGS FOR CUTENESS?

"IS THAT WHAT YOULIKE DOGS FOR?

"THAT'S WHAT YOULIKE DOGS FOR?"

IT'S LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'SPRETTY MUCH EXCLUSIVELY

"WHAT I LIKE DOGSFOR-- CUTENESS."

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT INLOVE WITH THE FACT

THAT THEY'RE WALKING[deleted] MACHINES.

I SAW THIS GUY IN L.A.

HE WAS ACTUALLY JOGGINGWITH THE THREE-LEGGED DOG.

HE WAS JUST LIKE...[whistles]

AND THE DOG WAS LIKE,"HUUNGH, HELP ME."

I WAS LIKE, "YOU'VETAKEN IT TOO FAR, SIR.

"YOU'VE TAKEN IT TOO FAR--PLEASE ADMIT THAT."

YOU KNOW, I JUSTWANTED SO BADLY

FOR SOMEONE TO SNIPETHE DOG AND TAKE IT DOWN,

AND JUST TOSEE HIM LIKE,

"NO, HOW DO I PROVEHOW DEEP I AM INSTANTLY."

[applause]

DO YOU THINK IT'S OKAY WHENSOMEONE'S TELLING YOU SOMETHING

TO SAY, "WHO CARES,"

[audience laughing]

IF YOU SAY IT TENDERLY,AND YOU TOUCH THEIR ARM?

[audience laughing]

COME ON-- WHO CARES?

[audience laughing]

[applause]

I WAS SEEINGSOMEONE FOR A WHILE

AND, UM, HETALKED DURING SEX

AND HE SAID STUFF THATI THOUGHT WAS WEIRD,

BUT I DON'T KNOW.

SO I RECORDED IT ON THISSPY DEVICE FROM THE 1970s,

AND I THOUGHT I WOULDPLAY IT FOR YOU GUYS,

AND THEN, YOU TELL ME,IS IT WEIRD OR WHAT.

AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, WHENI GET VERY UNCOMFORTABLE,

I'LL BE LIKE,"OH, WOW."

[audience laughing]

READY?

- AHH!

AHH!

- OH, WOW!

- AHH!

OH, MAMA.

OH, MAMA.

OH, MOM.

OH, MY MOM.

OH, YOU'RE MY MOM.

OH, OH, MY MOTHER.

OH, MY MOTHER.

OH, YOU'RE MY MOM.

YOU ARE MY MOM.

OH, YOU'RE MY MOM.

MOM, MOM, MOM,I LOVE YOU.

MOM, MOM, MOM.

OH, MOTHER.

- OH.

[applause]

I DON'T WANT TO READTOO MUCH INTO IT,

BUT I KIND OFFELT AS THOUGH

HE WANTED TO[deleted] HIS MOTHER.

SO I WAS LIKE, "CAN YOU NOT,LIKE, TALK ABOUT YOUR MOM

"OR ME BEING YOURMOM DURING SEX?"

SO HE'S LIKE, "OKAY."

AND THEN HE STARTEDTO DOING THIS.

- OH.

- OH.

OH, WOW!

OH, WOW!

- OH, GOD.

OH, GOD.

- OH, YEAH, WOW!

- OH, GOD.

OH, OH, JESUS.

OH, JESUS CHRIST.

OH, SON OF GOD.

OH, MOTHER SON OFGOD, BORN OF MARY.

OH, OH, JESUS CHRIST,SON OF GOD, PRINCE OF PEACE,

BORN OF MARY ANDJOSEPH IN GALILEE.

OH, GOD.

OH, GOD.

OH, JESUS CHRIST.

OH, KILLED BY THE JEWS.

- NO.

NO, IT WAS TOO MUCH,IT WAS TOO MUCH.

[applause]

I WANNA KNOW WHY TWO GUYSHI-FIVED DURING THAT,

BUT I'LL FIGURE-FIGURETHAT OUT LATER.

I READ SOMEWHERE THATMEN'S BIGGEST FEAR

IS THAT WOMENWILL LAUGH AT THEM,

AND WOMEN'S BIGGEST FEARIS THAT MEN WILL KILL THEM.

[audience laughing]

KIND OF DIFFERENT STAKESTHAT WE'RE WORKING WITH.

BUT THAT'S WHY I DON'TMAKE JOKES DURING SEX,

'CAUSE I THINK OF STUFF

THAT I THINK WOULD BEFUNNY ALL THE TIME,

BUT I JUSTDON'T SAY IT,

BECAUSE I DON'TWANT TO BE KILLED.

LIKE FOR YEARS, I THOUGHTIT WOULD BE HILARIOUS

TO HAVE A[deleted] PHOBIA,

SO WHEN THE GUYSTARTS TO [deleted],

I WAS LIKE, "AHH,WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU.

"YOU'RE CHANGING-- CHANGE BACK,"CHANGE BACK!"

JUST THROWINGSOCKS AT HIM.

VERY UNCOMFORTABLEWITH IT.

I'LL TRY IT ONE DAY--I'LL FIND THE RIGHT GUY.

[audience laughing]

I DO HAVE TERRIBLETASTE IN MEN.

LIKE, I JUST LIKEBIG, DUMB GUYS

WITH DEAD EYESLIKE TONY DANZA

OR I'M BORDERLINEATTRACTED TO

RONNY FROM"THE JERSEY SHORE."

ANYONE DUMB--ANYONE BIG AND DUMB.

I REALIZED THE OTHER DAY,I'VE DATED THREE, WHITE RAPPERS.

[audience laughing]

I FEEL LIKE THAT'S PROBABLY98 PERCENT OF WHITE RAPPERS

THAT HAVE BEEN INSIDE ME--IT'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

YOU KNOW THE TYPE OF GUYTHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

LIKE VERY MANICUREDFACIAL HAIR,

LIKE THOSE PENCIL-THINMOUSTACHE-BEARD COMBOS

THAT GO INA CIRCLE LIKE,

"MY MOUTH'S IN HEREIF ANYBODY'S LOOKIN' FOR IT."

[audience laughing]

THOSE ARE THEKIND OF GUYS.

THEY HAVE WEIRD IDEASABOUT HONESTY, YOU KNOW?

THEY GET--THEY'RE LIKE,

"I'M HONEST WITHMY FRIENDS AND FAMILY,

"BUT NOT WITH SOCIETYAND CORPORATIONS."

THEY LEAVE LIKE WEIRDLOOPHOLES FOR THEMSELVES.

YOU KNOW, THEY GET PHILOSOPHICALWHERE HONESTY'S CONCERNED.

THEY'RE LIKE,

"I MEAN, SOCIETY JUST AGREESTHAT THIS IS A TABLE."

I'M LIKE,"DID YOU CHEAT ON ME?"

[audience laughing]

LET'S STOP PLAYING GAMESAND REALLY GET INTO IT.

IT'S LIKE YOU ALWAYS FORGETWHEN YOU'RE IN IT, YOU WANT IT,

AND THEN, WHEN YOU'RE OUT OFIT, IT-IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE,

YOU WANT WHATEVERYOU DON'T HAVE.

YOU KNOW, WHENEVERI'M ALONE, I'M LIKE,

"I WANNA BOYFRIEND--"THAT'D BE SO FUN.

"WE'LL HOLD HANDSAND WATCH A MOVIE."

BUT ACTUALLY,WHEN YOU GET ONE,

ACTUALLY WHAT IT IS, ISIT'S JUST SOMEONE WATCHING YOU,

AND WATCHINGYOUR EVERY MOVE,

AND JUST CONNECTING DOTS ON ALLYOUR FLAWS IN YOUR PERSONALITY.

AND THEN AFTERA WHILE, THEY'RE LIKE,

"OKAY, THIS ISWHO YOU ARE.

"IT'S A TERRIBLE PERSON.

[audience laughing]

"YOU SHOULDWORK ON IT."

AND THEN YOU WATCH A MOVIEJUST TO TAKE A BREAK,

[audience laughing]

AND THAT'S LOVE AS FARAS I'VE FIGURED IT OUT.

I THINK ABOUT MYFUNERAL A LOT.

AH, I KNOW I WANT IT TO BE ANOPEN-MIC NIGHT FOR COMEDIANS.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

THANK YOU--THANK YOU, SO MUCH.

THANK YOU,THANK YOU.

[audience laughing]

I KNOW I WANT IT TO BE ANOPEN-MIC NIGHT FOR COMEDIANS.

IT'LL BE ADVERTISEDIN THE LOCAL PAPER.

YOU KNOW, $5.00 GETSYOU FIVE MINUTES, OR WHATEVER.

BECAUSE COMEDIANS ARE ALWAYSLOOKING FOR STAGE TIME,

AND I JUST THINK IT'LL BENICE TO BE DEAD FOR THAT.

[audience laughing]

HA-HA-HA.

IS IT LAZY THAT I KIND OFWISH I WAS YOU, RIGHT NOW,

AND THAT I WAS A TV?

AND THIS WASMY LIVING ROOM?

IS THAT LAZY?

ACTUALLY, I JUST WISHYOU GUYS WERE ALL PUPPIES.

HOW CUTE WOULD THAT BE

IF I WAS ALONE IN A ROOMWITH THIS MANY PUPPIES?

I'D BE LIKE, "AHHH--WHO'S GETTING PETTED FIRST?"

BE SO EXCITED.

I'D PUT ON A LITTLEWHITE, LAB COAT,

AND TRY TO GET TO THE BOTTOMOF SCIENTIFIC QUESTIONS LIKE,

"WHO'S A CUTE PUPPY?"

STUFF LIKE THAT.

ONE DAY I'LL ARRANGE ITWHEN I HAVE A LOT OF MONEY.

I COME-- I NEEDA LOT OF LOVE, I DO.

IT'S NOT-- I DON'T BLAME MYPARENTS FULLY STILL, KIND OF.

NO, MY MOM'S GREAT--SHE'S VERY INTENSE.

SHE'S VERY LIKE TRICKYAND CLEVER AND INTENSE.

LIKE, IF WEGET IN FIGHTS,

MY MOM WILL DOSPAMMER TRICKS ON ME.

LIKE, WE'LL GET INA FIGHT, AND AFTERWARDS,

SHE'LL SEND ME AN EMAIL ANDTHE SUBJECT WILL BE "APOLOGY."

[audience laughing]

THEN, I'LL OPEN IT UP,AND INSIDE, IT'S LIKE,

"I WAS RIGHT ANDYOU WERE WRONG."

[audience laughing]

I'M LIKE, "AHH!

"YOU GOT ME WITH THEOLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK,

"AN ENTICINGSUBJECT HEADER."

SO, I'LL WRITE HER BACK,"APOLOGY ACCEPTED,"

AND THEN, INSIDEIT'S JUST, "EAT A [deleted]."

[audience laughing]

[applause]

YOU GUYS KIND OF JUDGINGMY ATTRACTIVENESS LEVEL?

IT'S A WEIRD LEVEL--IT'S A REALLY WEIRD LEVEL.

IT'S FRUSTRATING.

IT KINDA FALLS THROUGHMY FINGERS, AT TIMES.

YOU KNOW, LIKE I-- JUSTWHEN I START TO FEEL PRETTY

AND FEEL GOODABOUT MYSELF,

SOMEONE ALWAYS BRINGS MERIGHT BACK DOWN TO EARTH.

MY FRIEND'S MOMWAS LIKE, "CHELSEA!"

SHE WAS SO EXCITED--"CHELSEA, I SAW AN UGLY CHELSEA

"ON THE STREETTHE OTHER DAY."

I'M LIKE, "OKAY."

BASICALLY, WHAT THATTRANSLATES TO IS,

"YOU SAW AN UGLY PERSONAND YOU THOUGHT OF ME."

[audience laughing]

THANKS FORTHE HEADS UP.

I APPRECIATE IT.

I'M, UH, I'MJEWISH AND ITALIAN,

SO I HAVE THIS FACE.

[audience laughing]

JEWISH PEOPLE GET OBSESSEDWITH WHICH HALF IS JEWISH.

I'M LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL,MY LAST NAME'S 'PERETTI.'

"I THOUGHT JEWSWERE SMART."

[audience laughing]

UM, BUT THEY'RE ALWAYSLIKE, "WHO'S THE JEW?

"IS IT YOUR MOMOR IS IT YOUR DAD?

"WHO'S THE JEW,WHO'S THE JEW?"

AND WHEN I SAY,"IT'S MY MOM,"

"THEY'RE LIKE,"THEN YOU ARE A JEW!

"BY JEWISH LAWYOU ARE A JEW!"

I'M LIKE "OH, YOU GOT ME--TAKE ME TO JEW COURT."

I JUST, UH, I JUST GOTOUT OF THREE RELATIONSHIPS.

SO NOW, I'M ALWAYS TRYINGTO FIGURE OUT, LIKE,

WHAT KIND OFCLOTHES TO WEAR

TO DRAW SOMEONE TO ME,AND I NEVER KNOW.

I FEEL LIKE I'M MAKINGIT UP-- I'M LIKE,

"SHALL I WEAR THISBALL GOWN, YOU KNOW,

"OR SHOULD I WEARTHIS BALL GOWN?"

I JUST HAVEA CLOSET FULL OF THEM.

BUT I NEVERWEAR THEM.

I JUST WIND UPWEARING JEANS,

BUT THEN I WILL DOTHAT TRICK THAT GIRLS DO

WHERE YOU LET YOURG-STRING STRAP PEEK OUT

ABOVE THE WAISTOF THE JEANS

'CAUSE THEN YOUCAN BE LIKE,

"OOPSIES-- I MADEA SEXY MISTAKE-- WOOPSIES!"

SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO HOISTTHEM UP OVER MY SHOULDERS.

[applause]

I'LL JUST HOOKMY THUMBS IN 'EM LIKE,

"SOMEONE'S AVAILABLE.

"SHE'S GOT HER LITTLESINGLE SUSPENDERS ON."

JUST SEE WHATI CAN REEL IN.

USUALLY, IT'SSOMETHING TERRIBLE.

[audience laughing]

IT SEEMS LIKEIT WOULD BE FUN

TO TAKE A SHOWERWITH SOMEONE

THAT YOU'RE INLOVE WITH, YOU KNOW.

BUT I FEEL LIKE ITALWAYS TURNS INTO LIKE,

"AH, I HAVE A WHOLECHECKLIST OF THINGS

THAT I NEED TO ACHIEVEIN THE SHOWER," YOU KNOW?

[audience laughing]

I FEEL LIKE YOU GET INTHERE WITH SOMEONE ELSE,

AND ALL OF A SUDDENYOU'RE, LIKE, INVENTING, LIKE,

"HEY, LET MEWASH YOUR BACK,"

SO YOU CAN SNEAK WASH YOURASS-- IT'S VERY STRESSFUL.

WHEREAS, WHEN I'M ALONE,THAT'S EXCLUSIVELY WHAT I WASH.

THERE'S ONLY ONE CHECK BOXON MY CHECKLIST-- GOT IT.

[audience laughing]

I SHOULD JUST STAYAWAY FROM PEOPLE.

I'VE HAD SUCH BAD LUCK--I HAD A WHOLE STRING OF TIME

IN WHICH THE ONLYGUYS ATTRACTED TO ME,

WERE GUYS FROM PHILLY

WHO ARE, PRETTY MUCH,THE WORST PEOPLE ALIVE.

[cheers and applause]

HA-HA-HA.

THEY'RE JUST KINDOF LIKE, "MWAAA."

LIKE THAT'S A PHILLYACCENT THAT I JUST NAILED.

THIS ONE GUY WAS LIKE,

"I CAN MAKE YOU FALLIN LOVE WITH PHILLY."

I WAS LIKE, "REALLY-- HOW?

"DO YOU HAVEA HANDFUL OF ECSTASY?"

THAT'S WHAT IT TOOKLAST TIME I WAS THERE.

I WAS LIKE,"MMMMM, HOME DEPOT.

"THIS IS A GREAT TOWN.

"YOU DONE ITAGAIN, PHILLY!"

I DON'T WANT TO MAKENEW YORK FEEL LEFT OUT.

THERE'S WEIRD,DUMB PEOPLE HERE, TOO.

I WAS WALKIN'DOWN THE STREET,

AND I SAW THESE TWO ITALIANGUYS WITH THEIR DOGS,

AND THE ONE GUY'STALKING TO HIS FRIEND,

AND HE'S LIKE,"YOUR DOG LOVES PASTA?

[audience laughing]

"MY DOG LOVES PASTA!"

[audience laughing]

HE COULDN'TBELIEVE IT.

AND I WAS WALKING BY LIKE,"IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?"

"LIKE, AM I GONNATURN A CORNER,

AND IT'S GONNA BETWO FILIPINO GUYS, LIKE,

"YOUR DOG LOVES DOG.

[cheers and applause]

"THAT WHATMY DOG LOVES."

I LIVE IN L.A. NOW,

AND ONE THING I'VE LEARNEDFROM LIVING IN BIG CITIES,

IS THAT IT REALLYDOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL SAFE,

WHEN YOU'RE WALKING HOMEAT NIGHT, AND SOME GUYS LIKE,

"HEY, GORGEOUS--GET HOME SAFE!"

[audience laughing]

YOU'RE LIKE,"FELT A LITTLE SAFER

"BEFORE YOUJUST SAID THAT.

"WASN'T EVENTHINKING ABOUT SAFETY.

"I WAS KIND OF MAKINGA GROCERY LIST, BUT THANK YOU.

"THANK YOU."

I FEEL PRETTYSAFE IN L.A.

BECAUSE THERE'STREES EVERYWHERE,

AND I'M LIKE, "UM, THERE'STREES-- I'LL BE FINE."

[audience laughing]

AND THEN MY NEIGHBORWAS LIKE, "HEY, CHELSEA,

"JUST SO YOU KNOW, THERE'S BEENA RAPE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD."

I WAS LIKE, "THANK YOU."

LIKE, I DON'T KNOWWHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO

WITH THAT INFORMATION--JUST WALK BACKWARDS LIKE,

"DON'T EVEN THINK IT,DON'T EVEN THINK IT.

"I'M WATCHING YOU,I'M WATCHING YOU.

"RAPE, JUST IN CASE.

"OKAY."

LIKE, SHE MIGHT AS WELL JUSTCOME TO MY DOOR AND BE LIKE,

"HEY, CHELSEA,LIVE IN FEAR-- BYE."

[audience laughing]

IT'S USELESS.

AND I ALWAYS THINKWHAT I WOULD DO,

IF SOMEONETRIED TO GET ME.

YOU KNOW,MY FIRST THOUGHT

IS JUST SOMETHING DUMBLIKE I'D TRY TO PICK MY NOSE

AND JUST BE GROSSOR SOMETHING.

LIKE, IN MY MIND, A RAPIST ISJUST SOME WHITE-HAT, FRAT BOY

WHO'D JUST BE LIKE,"AH, NASTY-- FORGET IT.

[applause]

"LEARN SOME MANNERS."

OBVIOUSLY, I DON'T UNDERSTANDHOW IT WORKS AT ALL,

BUT I DON'T EVENWANNA THINK ABOUT IT,

BUT YOU HAVE TO, BECAUSEYOU'LL JUST BE RELAXING,

AND THENSOMEONE'S LIKE,

"DON'T TAKE OPENDRINKS FROM GUYS."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "AHH!"

BUT I FIGURED OUTA WAY AROUND THAT

WHICH IS WHATIF I GAVE MYSELF

A LITTLE BIT OFROOFIES EVERY DAY, OKAY.

[audience laughing]

SO I START, DAY ONE,IT'S A TINY DOSE, REAL SMALL.

THEN, EVERY DAY, I UP ITAND UP IT AND UP IT.

BY THE END OFA COUPLE OF MONTHS,

I FEEL LIKE I COULDGO TO ANY LOCATION

AND TAKE ADRINK FROM ANYBODY

NO MATTER HOWCREEPY OR FRIGHTENING.

I'M JUST LIKE, "THANK YOU--THANK YOU SO MUCH."

IT'S LIKE THREEIN THE MORNING

AND I'M LIKE,"WHERE WE GOING, GANG?

"WHERE'S THE AFTER AFTER?"

THEY'RE LIKE, "I DON'TGET IT-- SHE IS UN-RAPEABLE."

[audience laughing]

THAT'S MY FANTASY.

SEX WAS SO EXCITINGAT FIRST.

YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOUFIRST STARTED HAVING IT

LIKE, "OH, WHOA--SOMETHING'S IN ME.

"WHOA!"

AND THAT CANLAST YOU FOR YEARS.

AND THEN, YOU JUST STARTGETTING MORE USED TO IT,

AND PEOPLE STARTTRYING TO JAZZ IT UP.

LIKE, SOME PEOPLE STARTTALKING TO YOU DURING SEX,

TELLING YOU THEIRFANTASIES AND STUFF.

I DON'T LIKETO DO THAT.

I LIKE TO, PRETTY MUCH,TO BE DEAD SILENT.

THAT'S MY COMFORT ZONE.

BUT THEN, SOMETIMES,I WILL BE LIKE, YOU KNOW,

"THANK YOU FOR DINNER,THANK YOU FOR DINNER."

JUST TO BE A LADYAND SHOW SOME GRATITUDE

AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME.

A LOT OF MYFRIENDS ARE GUYS,

AND THEY'LL TALK ABOUTA GIRL THEY'RE SEEING.

THEY'RE LIKE, "UH, MAN,SHE'S A SCREAMER."

IT'S LIKE, IT JUST MAKES MEWANT TO MESS WITH SOMEBODY

AND TAKE THAT TOOLITERALLY JUST LIKE, "AHH!

"AHH!

"I'M A SCREAMER,"I'M SCREAMING.

"I'M FRIGHTENED."

[audience laughing]

THAT'S SEXY, RIGHT?

THEY'RE LIKE,"SHE'S A REAL WILD CAT."

I'M LIKE,[growling and yelping]

"AHH, AHH!"

[audience laughing]

JUST TO SEE IF I COULDBE ALONE FOREVER.

[audience laughing]

SHE'S LOOKING MORE LIKE--

I DON'T KNOW WHY THATWILD CAT IS IN DOGGY STYLE

BUT IT'S ONE OFTHE IRONIES OF THAT JOKE.

[audience laughing]

Loading...