Gang Bang

  • 05/28/2013

Tig's cancer gives Amy an excuse to cancel plans, and a gang bang is planned for feminist reasons.

that I'm a feminist.

That's why today,I'm hosting my very own

gangbang, to prove thatwomen are not objects.

Look, men, you are notpenetrating our vaginas.

We are engulfingyour penises.

Think about it.

I want to thank the goodpeople at Sea Spray

for providing allthe cranberry juice

I'll be drinking throughoutthe day.

I'm just reallyproud to be here today,

like so many women whohave come before me.

Sandra Day...

Sotomayor, you know, tons,too many to list.

Am I a hero?

Yeah, yeah,I'm probably a hero.

Do I think today willbe a ton of fun?

I'm counting on it.

All right.

All right.

Let's justget this started.

This is a couchfrom home.

They're very cool about bringingyour own stuff into this space.

I can do this by myself,

I don't need a man to helpme with this.

You think famouswomen from history,

you think Amelia Earhart,says, oh hold on,

I parked the plane,now I need help getting

this couch out.

Usually my roommate helps mewhen I pull this out, but--

She had a test.

And she wasn't totallyinto me doing this.

Okay, history in the making.

This is good,this is comfortable,

this is gonna be fine.

Okay.

All right, gentlemen,come on in.

( bell ringing )

Let's see who respondedto the Craigslist ad.

Okay, okay.

Not what I was picturing,but okay.

There's moreof you, just like--

More keeps coming in.

You know what?

You know what?

This is--

You look tired,you look tired.

I'm tired.

It's too hot in here,you know?

I'm feeling like maybeI could just--

You know,I mean, I still hate--

I hate that women areobjectified, I hate that,

but I'm feeling like I coulddo a little less--

a little less toprove that point.

I think-- You guys get thatwomen are equal to men, right?

You get that, right?

I don't know,I guess.

Okay, then whatare we doing here?

The gangbang isofficially canceled.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

So there's nogangbang today?

No, no.

I'm so sorry,I'm sorry.

No, it's--

It's fine,it's cool.

Wait, okay, excuse me,I'm sorry.

What do you mean,"It's cool"?

Well, I mean, I can't speakfor everybody,

but I mean,as far as body types go,

I'm more into that girlWhitney from that show

"Whitney,"you know, no offense.

No, no offense.

Thanks for being honest.

You're cute,but you're not Whitney.

So you're saying thatif--if I had stayed there,

you wouldn't have wantedto do it?

No, I mean, I would havedone it, but, like,

my heart wouldn'thave been that into it.

Have a good afternoon,ma'am.

"Ma'am"?

Wait, hold on, holdon a second.

Everybodyjust chill out, okay?

That was a test.

Gangbang is rescheduledto right now.

We are still doing it.

It's back on.

Gangbang on.

Everybody,come fuck me.

Fuck me, fuck me,fuck me,

fuck me, fuck me.

Uh, slow down.

We're not pieces of meat.

Don't you find it tobe a little un-feminist

that you only want tohave sex with me

because I'mnot that into it?

Sounds like you want to beobjectified, don't you think?

♪♪

You're getting married.

It's such a huge deal.

I can't believeit's happening to me.

Neither can we.

Psych, you're the best.

You guys aremy best friends.

Okay, open yourpresents, bitch.

( Amy )Yes, yes, yes.

Phil!

I use the samekind myself.

Let's just say itreally knows what it's doing.

Okay.

Me next,me next, me next.

This is called the Herminatorand it's the same one I use.

It has an alarm clockand voice control.

It is the best.

No offense.

None taken.

Actually, speakingof the best, open mine.

Oh, boom!

Yeah, it's the Good VibrationsSweet Sensations,

and this thingmakes my eyes pop out

of my head and becomemy vagina.

Um, I just foundthe battery life on those

things to be dog shit.

Um, actually, it's alsoa Boingo hotspot

and I know you travel a lot,so I'm just really considerate.

We haven't openedmy gift yet.

It has GPS, you candownload 5,000 songs on it.

Did I mention that you can linkmine up to your Facebook page?

You know what, mine alsofunctions as a mezuzah,

for when youand Adam get a place.

Holy cow!

Oh, a mezuzah's justwhat Jewish people hang

outside their doorto feel safe.

I know.

You guys areamazing friends.

Yeah, but like,I'm your best friend

and I just want youto know that I care

about your vagina morethan I care about my own

and that's like the mostpossible you can care,

if that makes sense.

It does make sense.

But I also care aboutyour vagina a ton.

You know, sometimestoo much, I wonder.

I do wonder that.

You know, I just--for me, I just really

want your vagina tobe on the brink

of exhaustionat all times.

Carly, I haven'topened yours yet.

All the other gifts were soamazing, it's embarrassing.

Let's keep it light,Carly.

Come on!

Okay.

Now you know I don'tmake a lot of money

working at theContainer Store.

We do know, Carly.

We know, because you'vesaid it a number of times.

There's nothing we can do abouthow much you get paid there.

So I kind of madeyou something.

What is it?

It's also a vibrator.

That's us sophomore yearat the Grand Canyon.

Oh Carly,this is the best one.

Really?

This is my favorite one.

You guys,isn't this the best one?

It is nice,colorful.

Here, pass it around.

It took about ninehours from sketching

it out to its fullrealization.

Oh no.

Oh.

Oh, I guessthe glue's not dry.

I'm sure you juststick it back on.

Some of the shellsare still sandy.

Just be careful,I guess.

go to this bridal shower?

They're gonna bedivorced in two seconds.

Look, I think it'll meana lot to your sister.

Oh gosh.

What?

Tig has cancer.Who?

One of the writerson my show.

Oh my God,Amy, I'm so sorry.

You must be sooverwhelmed right now.

No, we're not,like, close.

No, stop it, stop it.

You're clearlyin shock.

Here, give me those.

Go home, I'm gonna tellKim what happened,

I'm sure she'sgonna understand.

Yeah.Do it.

Okay, I'm so sad.Yeah.

It's a hard time.

♪♪

Amy, are you comingto my one-woman

burlesque show tonight?

It's the finalperformance.

Oh, is it?

No, no, I can't,Tig has cancer.

Oh my God,I had no idea.Mm-hmm.

Yeah, so I'm probablyjust gonna be like,

spoon-feeding her, like, loadthe blankets on her, just--

God, I don't needto bore you

with the detailsof my life right now.

What life?

I'm basically livinglike a saint.

Does she need anything?No.

Do you need anything?

Actually,you know what?

A cookie wouldbe amazing.

Chocolate chip,obviously.

Have them heated up.

Not too hot, that canreally burn your mouth,

and I'm already dealingwith enough with Tig.

Okay, seriously,warm, not hot.

Okay.If it's too hot, you'regonna hear about it.

Okay, break a leg.

( computer alert )

Hey, Amy.

The network's here.

They wanted to gothrough some notes

about the downsynun sketch.

Oh my God, Amy.

Are you crying?

What's wrong, babe?

This-- this bag.

Is this about Tig?

Yeah.Yeah.

It's-- it is totallyabout Tig.

I was up 'tillike 5:00 a.m.

last night, just, like,reading to her from

the Indigo Girls,the autobiography, and just--

Did they writethat together or--

So I just have so muchon my plate right now.

I just don't feellike I can deal

with networknotes, you know.

I know, I know,and here's the thing.

You're not going to, becausehere's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna go throughthese notes for the network.

Meanwhile, you go geta pedicure on me,

don't even worry--Thanks, Jessie.

Oh.I guess we're just eachother's heroes right now.

Yeah.

♪♪

Hi.

Do you have theIndigo Girls autobiography?

Looks likethat is not a thing...

and it never will be.

Hey, is this the onlystaff pick you have?

Tig.

Oh.How are you?

Oh, well, aside fromgetting my tits ripped off,

you know, I mean.That's awful.

Do you know that book Amy'sbeen reading to you from?

A book Amy's beenreading to me from?

I haven't seen Amyin over a month.

What?

But then that'swhen she said to me,

"I may be the onewith cancer,

but you're definitelythe one going to heaven."

Who's goingto heaven?

( all )Hey Tig, hey!

( woman )Tig, you look great.

Hey, what areyou doing here?

Shouldn't you be inbed or something?

Look at you,your sad little wig.

It's actuallymy real hair, Amy.

What are youdoing here?

I wanted to publiclythank you.

Now that I'mall better,

Amy has time to doanything for anyone.

Will you do allof our podcasts?

She'd love to.

And if anyonehas a web series,

she'd love to do allof those as well.

( all )Yes!

All right.

I'm gonna be out of town nextweek, can you feed my cat?

She'd be honored.

My one-woman showgot extended.

The New York Times called it"a one-woman show in New York."

Amy, you love showsin New York.

I can't,I can't...

... wait!

I can't wait.

Oh, I want to seethat show.

I'm gonna go to my office,can I just have my daily cookie?

Yeah.Thank you.

Oh, this is the perfecttemperature for a cookie.

Thanks.

How many of youhave podcasts?

We each have two.

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