CC Presents: Jeremy Hotz

  • Season 3, Ep 3
  • 06/20/2000

BORN WITH AN ELBOWSTUCK TO MY FACE.

CHRIST, I'M AN UGLY MAN.

OH, I'VE NOTICED IT.

I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,

LOOK IN THE MIRROR,AND THINK [bleep].

GET A RULER AND MEASURETHIS SON OF A BITCH RIGHT HERE.

I'VE GOT A HIGH FOREHEADALL OF A SUDDEN.

LATELY I'VE BEENWALKING AROUND LIKE THIS

SO PEOPLE DON'T NOTICE.

NO, I'M NOT GOING BALD.

I'M JUST REAL OPTIMISTICABOUT EVERYTHING.

I'M GETTING OLD.I CAN'T STOP IT.

WHAT A MISERABLE LIFETHIS TURNED OUT TO BE.

LOSING THE HAIR ON MY HEAD;

GETTING SOME NEW HAIRRIGHT ABOVE MY ASS AT THE BACK.

WHAT THE HELLKIND OF TRADE-OFF IS THAT?

WHEN AM I EVER GOINGTO USE THIS HAIR RIGHT HERE

UNLESS I BECOMEA TELEVISION REPAIRMAN?

YOU'VE SEEN THOSE GUYS.

WHAT THE HELLIS THEIR PROBLEM?

"YOUR CRACK IS STICKING OUTOF YOUR PANTS, MAN.

"CAN YOU NOT FEEL THAT?

COME HERE."

YOU GOT THE GLASSES;I GOT THE CONTACT LENSES.

WHAT A MISERABLE PRODUCTTHAT IS.

PUT THE GLASS IN YOUR EYE.IT WON'T HURT.

[bleep] OPTOMETRIST.HE PAWNED THESE OFF ON ME.

HE WEARS GLASSES,THAT PRICK.

HOW MANY PEOPLEWEAR CONTACTS?

CLAP IF YOU DO.

[applause]

YEAH, THEY STINK,DON'T THEY?

YOU EVER TALKING TO SOMEONE,

AND ONE OF THEM STARTSMOVING AROUND IN YOUR EYE?

WHAT A HORRIBLE MOMENTTHAT IS.

GREAT, I'VE GOT A LAZY EYE.

I'M A FREAK.

I CAN SEE NINE PEOPLEAT THE SAME TIME.

YOU EVER PUT ONE ININSIDE OUT?

YOU CAN SEERIGHT INSIDE YOUR HEAD.

I GOT THE COLORED LENSES.I GOT THE BROWN ONES.

NOT A BIG SELLER,THE BROWN CONTACT LENSES.

MY EYES ARE NATURALLY BROWN,

BUT THEY'RE NOT THE BROWNI WAS LOOKING FOR.

"DO YOU HAVE A MORE[bleep]-BROWN COLOR FOR ME?

IT REALLY BRINGS OUTMY TRUE PERSONALITY."

I HAVE ASTIGMATISM IN MY EYE.DO YOU HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM?

YEAH, IT'S WHEN YOUR EYEGROWS SCREWY.

MY OPTOMETRIST SAYSIT COMES FROM YEARS

OF DOING STAND-UP COMEDY,STARING INTO THE LIGHTS.

HE SAID HE COULD FIX ITWITH LASER SURGERY.

I SAID,"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?"

HE SAID, "I'M GOING TO SHINETHIS LIGHT IN YOUR EYE."

I GOT A COLDIN MY GIANT NOSE.

I WOKE UP,AND I WENT TO BREATHE IN.

ALL I GOT WAS:[snorts]

GOOD THING I WOKE UP.I COULD HAVE SUFFOCATED.

TOOK THAT STUFF YOU STICKIN YOUR NOSE TO CLEAN IT OUT,

THAT DRISTAN NASAL MIST.

WHAT A MISERABLE PRODUCTTHAT IS.

WHO DESIGNED THAT?

YOU SQUEEZE IT,IT GOES HALFWAY UP.

IT HITS THE STUFFIN YOUR NOSE

AND RUNS DOWN YOUR CHINLIKE THAT.

IT'S A USELESS IDEA.

THEN I'M IN FRONTOF THE MIRROR,

TRYING TO PUSH IT BACK UPWITH MY FINGER.

THEN I DO THIS:[snorts]

THEN IT HURTS BACK HEREFOR SOME REASON.

SO I GOT TO PUTMY CONTACT IN INSIDE OUT

TO SEE WHAT THE HELL'SGOING ON IN MY HEAD.

I HAD TO MOVE.

L.A.: WHAT A MISERABLE PLACETHAT IS.

NOTHING EVER CHANGES.

OH, THE FALL IN L.A.:WHAT A BEAUTIFUL TIME OF YEAR.

SO DIFFERENT THANTHE OTHER SEASONS.

LOOK AT THAT TREE.I THINK IT'S CHANGING COLOR.

NO, IT'S JUST DEAD.

I LIVE IN A PLACECALLED TARZANA.

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALLED IT:TARZANA.

THEY STICK AN A ON THE END,

THEY THINK NO ONE'SGOING TO FIGURE IT OUT.

IT'S TARZAN.I LIVE IN A TREE HOUSE.

MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR'STHE KEEBLER ELF.

OH, I HATE THAT LITTLE PRICK.

HE KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHTMAKING COOKIES IN HIS TREE.

THAT'S NO WAYTO RUN A BUSINESS.

THERE'S ZONING LAWS,YOU [bleep] SHRIMP.

TARZANA:

FULL OF THE BIGGEST SNAILSI'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

YOU DON'T GET THE SNAILSIN THE EAST HERE--

SNAILS THE SIZE OF MY HAND

JUST CRAWLINGACROSS THE SIDEWALK.

NOWHERE NEAR WATER.

HOW THE HELLDID THEY GET THERE?

I HATE SNAILS.I DON'T TRUST 'EM.

PULLING THEIR HOUSEON THEIR BACK.

WALKING AROUND,"NOTHING CAN HARM ME.

I'VE GOT MY HOUSEON MY BACK."

CRUNCH.

"WHERE'D THAT FOOTCOME FROM?

"BASTARD BROKE MY HOUSE.

I BOUGHT A CARWHEN I MOVED TO LOS ANGLES,

'CAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN A BUS.

OH, THEY HAVE THE STOPS,BUT THE BUS NEVER COMES BY.

I USED TO THINK L.A.WAS FILLED WITH HOMELESS,

BUT IT'S JUST PEOPLEWAITING FOR THE BUS.

[laughter]

I BOUGHT A CHEVETTE.THAT WAS MY CHOICE.

OH, YOU'VE HEARD OF IT?

WHAT A MISERABLE CARTHAT IS.

'89 CHEVETTE.

IT CAME WITH A TRAILER HITCH.

WHAT THE HELLCOULD I POSSIBLY TOW?

ANOTHER CHEVETTE IN CASETHE FIRST ONE BREAKS DOWN?

THAT SALESMANSAW ME COMING A MILE AWAY.

"THIS CAR WILL STOPON A DIME, BOY."

"BECAUSE IT DOESN'TGET OVER ONE, YOU ASS."

AND I HAD TO GET THE DIESEL.

YOU KNOW HOW EMBARRASSING IT ISFILLING IT UP AT A DIESEL PUMP,

JUST ME AND EVERY TRUCKERIN L.A.?

"NICE RIG, BIG NOSE."

I HATE DRIVING THAT CAR, HUH.

THE FREEWAYS IN THE STATESAREN'T SAFE.

THEY'RE BAD HERE TOO.

I HATE DRIVING ON THE FREEWAYIN THAT FAR LANE

NEXT TO THAT WHITE CEMENT THINGTHAT RUNS DOWN THE CENTER OF IT.

OH, THAT'S NOT INTIMIDATINGTO DRIVE NEXT TO AT ALL,

A BIG WHITE CEMENT THINGWITH ALL THE BLACK BUMPER MARKS

FROM THE PEOPLEWHO'VE SMASHED INTO IT BEFORE.

IF I LOSE THAT CAR,I'LL MISS IT.

SO MANY ADVENTURES,YOU KNOW.

I GOT PULLED OVER FOR SPEEDINGONCE IN MY CHEVETTE.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEENTHE LOOK ON THE COP'S FACE.

I DON'T EVEN THINKHE WANTED TO GIVE ME A TICKET.

HE JUST WANTED TO FIND OUTHOW THE HELL I DID IT.

STICKS HIS HEADRIGHT IN MY WINDOW.

I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN OFFON HIM THEN.

THEN I WOULD'VEENDED UP ON THE NEWS

IN ONE OF THOSEHIGH-SPEED CHASES,

JUST MEAND MY [bleep] CHEVETTE,

PEOPLE GLUED TO THE TVAS I GO NINE MILES AN HOUR.

THE WIND PICKS UP;

I STICK MY NOSE OUT THE WINDOWAND USE IT AS A SAIL.

I LIVED IN CANADA.

ANY CANADIANS HERE AT ALL?

(man) YEAH!

JUST ONE RIGHT UP THEREWITH GREEN HAIR.

I LOVE CANADA,YOU, MAN?

(man) NO.

NO?YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S A MISERABLE COUNTRY.

NOT A VERY TOUGH COUNTRY, HUH?

THEY GOT AN ARMY.

THEY JUST DIDN'TGIVE 'EM GUNS OR ANYTHING.

LOOK AT THE CANADIAN FLAG.

IT'S NOT A SYMBOL OF POWER.

IT'S A LEAF.

OH, DON'T SCREWWITH CANADA.

THEY'LL DRY UPAND BLOW AWAY.

CANADA SHOULD JUST ATTACKANOTHER COUNTRY.

MAN, NO ONEWOULD SEE THAT COMING.

GREATEST COUPIN MILITARY HISTORY.

LAY LOW FOR 275 YEARS,THEN ATTACK TURKEY.

JUST SHOW UP.

"GUESS WHAT?WE'RE TAKING IT.

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE I'LL HAVE TO GOTO THE DOCTOR NOW, I GUESS.

MY GUTS ARE KILLING ME.

I HATE THE DOCTOR.

IN CANADA, IT'S FREETHE DOCTOR, HUH?

HERE YOU GOT TO PAY FOR IT.

I HATE THE DOCTORS.

THIS GUY COMES OUTIN HIS WHITE SMOCK

WITH HIS PENCILS OF KNOWLEDGEIN HIS POCKET.

HE GIVES ME USELESS ADVICEEVERY TIME.

"SAY, DOC, MY LEG HURTS."

"REALLY?KEEP OFF IT."

[laughter]

"THANKS FOR THE HOT TIP,QUINCY.

"IF YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TOLD ME,

"I'D HAVE JUMPED UP AND DOWNON IT FOR AN HOUR.

HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU,FOUNTAIN OF ALL KNOWLEDGE?"

THE ONLY THINK WORSE THAN HIMIS THE DENTIST.

WHAT A MISERABLE TRIPTHAT IS.

YOU GOT TO GO TWICE A YEAR.

YOU KNOW WHY?'CAUSE HE TELLS YOU TO.

IT'S NOT IN THE BOOK ANYWHERE.

THAT BASTARD'S MAKING IT UPAS HE GOES ALONG.

AT THE END OF YOUR VISIT,HE'S ALWAYS LIKE,

"WELL, WE'LL SEE YOUIN SIX MONTHS."

AND YOU GO, "ALL RIGHT."

THE WOMAN WHO CLEANS YOUR TEETH,WHAT THE HELL IS HER PROBLEM?

YOU COULD BE BRUSHINGAND FLOSSING EVERY DAY.

IT'S NEVERGOOD ENOUGH FOR HER.

SHE LEAPS ON YOUR ASSIMMEDIATELY.

"YOUR TEETH ARE FILTHY."

"SORRY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO WRECKYOUR WHOLE DAY LIKE THAT."

"SEE THE WAYYOUR GUMS ARE BLEEDING?"

"OH, YEAH, I CAN SEE IT.

"MAYBE IF YOU'D STOP

STICKING THOSE SHARPMETAL THINGS INTO THEM."

[applause]

I DON'T DO THIS AT HOME, LADY.

I THINK THE PROBLEM IS YOU.

"THERE'S SOME CORNSTUCK BETWEEN MY TEETH.

I BETTER GET IT OUTWITH A STEAK KNIFE."

JEEZ.

THEN YOU GO SEE THE DENTIST.

WHAT A WEIRD,TWISTED FREAK HE IS.

I DON'T TRUST HIM AT ALL.

SITS YOU DOWN IN THAT CHAIR,

HE SHINES THAT LIGHTIN YOUR EYE--

WHICH IS BADFOR MY ASTIGMATISM--

TAKES PICTURES OF YOUR TEETH,AND THEN HE SHOWS THEM TO YOU,

LIKE YOU'RE INTERESTED AT ALL.

"OH, THOSE ARE GREAT SHOTSYOU GOT THERE, DENTIST.

HOW'D YOU GET MY TEETHTO POSE TOGETHER LIKE THAT?"

EVER TRY AND GETTHOSE PICTURES FROM HIM?

HE WON'T GIVE THEM TO YOU.

HE'S ALL WEIRD ABOUT IT, TOO,ISN'T HE?

"NO, THOSE ARE MINE."

"ALL RIGHT, YOU KEEP 'EM,YOU FREAK.

"BRING 'EM HOME,LOOK AT THEM LATE AT NIGHT,

"AND TOUCH YOURSELF.

SEE IF I CARE."

YOU'RE SO YOUNG, HUH?

YOU'RE STILLIN YOUR 20s, RIGHT?

LUCKY GIRL.

ONCE YOU HIT 30,YOUR LIFE CHANGES.

ALL THE 30-YEAR-OLDSKNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU HIT 30, YOU DON'T RUNFOR THE BUS ANYMORE.

YOU GET ABOUT HALFWAY AND GO,"OH, THERE'S OTHER BUSES.

"I'M 30.THIS IS GARBAGE.

I'M TAKING A CAB TO THE BUS."

SO LUCKY,THE YOUNGER GENERATION.

HOW WE GOT BURNED,IF YOU'RE OVER 30--

YOU HAD WAY BETTER GAMESWHEN YOU WERE A KID THEN WE HAD.

WE HAD GARBAGE.

OH, YEAH.YOU HAD SEGA.

WE DIDN'T HAVE THAT.WE HAD PONG.

SEE THIS GUY KNOWS, MAN.HE KNOWS.

YEAH, WHAT A MISERABLE GAMETHAT WAS,

TWO STICKS AND A LITTLE BALL.

DOOT, DOOT, DOOT.

YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES.IT STILL PLAYS IN YOUR HEAD.

THAT'S WHY I HAVE ASTIGMATISM.

ALL THOSE OLD BOARD GAMES,WE PLAYED THEM.

THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE TO DO.WE DIDN'T HAVE OPTIONS.

MONOPOLY:WE ALL PLAYED THAT GAME.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PROPERTYIN MONOPOLY?

WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO OWN?

BOARDWALK.EVERYONE SAYS THAT.

I LIKE BALTICAND MEDITERRANEAN THE BEST.

SO I PLAY "SIT BACKWITH ALL THE CHEAP PROPERTIES."

SLUMLORD!

"WHERE'S MY FOUR BUCKS, PAL?

"COUGH IT UP, GRANDMA.

BITCH, I'LL TURN OFF THE HEAT."

BATTLESHIP:REMEMBER THAT GAME?

[laughter]

I LOVED BATTLESHIP.

EASIEST GAME IN THE WORLDTO CHEAT AT, WASN'T IT?

WE ALL DID IT.SHUT UP.

"E-4."

DO YOU GO TO THE GYM, MAN?

YOU DO?

YEAH, ME TOO.

WHAT A MISERABLE PLACETHE GYM IS, HUH?

I DON'T KNOW HOW SOMEOF THOSE MACHINES WORK.

THE ONE WHERE YOU SIT IN A CHAIRAND YOU PULL YOUR ARMS

IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE,THAT HURTS MY EAR.

MAYBE I'M DOING IT WRONG.

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO ASKTHOSE TRAINERS WALKING AROUND

WITH THEIR ARMS OUT TO HERE.

HOW DO THEY WIPE THEIR ASS?

JESUS.

PROBABLY WITH LITTLE GUYSLIKE ME.

[applause]

SO I GO TO THE GYM.IT'S AWFUL.

YOU KNOW, THE GYM--WOMEN HAVE NO CLUE.

IF YOU'RE A GUY,IT'S HORRIBLE.

YOU GOT TO STAY OUTOF THE MEN'S LOCKER ROOM,

DON'T YOU?

WHAT A HORRIBLE,DISGUSTING PLACE THAT IS.

JUST FILLED WITH NAKED,85-YEAR-OLD MEN,

JUST WALKING AROUNDTOTALLY NUDE,

NOWHERE NEAR THE SHOWER,JUST NUDE AND LOITERING.

WHEN I'M NUDE,I MOVE FAST.

I'M LOOKING FOR MY CLOTHES.

THESE 85-YEAR-OLDSARE ALL PROUD.

NEVER SIT ON THE BENCH INTHE MEN'S LOCKER ROOM EITHER.

YOU KNOW THAT.

'CAUSE THESE NUDE GUYSCOME OVER AND TALK TO YOU.

I HAD ONE GUY COME OVER,

PUT HIS LEGRIGHT UP ON THE BENCH.

IT WAS DIRECTLYIN MY FIELD OF VISION,

JUST HANGING THERELIKE A CHINESE LANTERN.

GREAT, HE'S NUDE,AND HE WANTS TO CHAT,

NOT ABOUT ANYTHINGIN PARTICULAR EITHER.

"HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?"

"OH, YEAH,IT'S PRETTY WARM.

"MAYBE IF YOU MOVEDYOUR FIGS OUT OF MY FACE,

I COULD CATCH A BREEZE."

[applause]

BUT YOU CAN'TSAY THAT TO HIM.

YOU GOT TO MAKE LIKEYOU DON'T SEE IT.

IT'S A GUY THING,YOU KNOW.

SO MY EYES ARE DARTINGALL ACROSS THE ROOM,

BUT I'M A COMIC.

SO AT THE SAME TIME,I'M SLIGHTLY CURIOUS.

SO I'M PEEKING AT ITOUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE.

HE'S GOING ON ABOUT THE WEATHER,AND I'M JUST THINKING,

"WHAT A UGLY PACKAGETHIS MAN HAS.

"IT'S NOT EVEN THE SAME COLORAS THE REST OF HIS BODY.

MY MAILBOX EITHER.

I KEEP GETTING STUFFIN THE MAIL,

STUFF I DIDN'T SEND AWAY FOR:FREE SAMPLES,

COOKIES ALL CRUMPLEDDOWN AT THE BOTTOM.

KEEBLER ELF--I'LL KILL HIM IF I SEE HIM.

HE LIVES NEXT DOOR.HE COULD HAVE WALKED THEM OVER.

I GOT FREE SHAMPOO IN THE MAIL.

I GOT PRELL AND PERTIN THESE TINY LITTLE PACKAGES.

AND I'M CHEAP.I HAD SHAMPOO.

I USED IT ANYWAY.

I'M SO CHEAP,I USED HALF OF ONE.

THEN I LEANED IT UPAGAINST THE BATHTUB,

'CAUSE I FIGURED I COULD USETHE SECOND HALF

THE NEXT MORNING.

NO, IN THE NIGHTIT TIPPED OVER

AND DRIPPED GREEN CRAPDOWN THE SIDE OF MY TUB.

I CAN'T GET IT OFF.

IT STAINED IT.

THEY'RE GOING TO CHARGE MEWHEN I MOVE OUT.

I'M GOING TO HAVETO TAKE WITE-OUT

AND PUT IT OVER THE TOP.

I GOT A BOX OF TAMPONSIN THE MAIL ONCE TOO.

YEAH, IMAGINE MY SURPRISE.

THEY WEREN'T TAMPONS.

THEY WERE PADS,SOMETHING CALLED ALWAYS.

LIKE THEY'RE GOINGTO CALL THEM SOME OF THE TIME.

ALWAYS DRY WEAVE WITH WINGSAND OPTIONAL SUNROOF.

JESUS.

THEY'RE BIG PADS.HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?

THEY LOOK LIKE DR. SCHOLLS.

I'M USING 'EMFOR COFFEE FILTERS RIGHT NOW.

OH, YEAH, YOU'RE LAUGHING.

THE GARBAGEMAN MUST THINKI HAVE A TERRIBLE DISEASE.

IF YOU GOT THESE IN THE MAIL,LADIES, DON'T WEAR THEM.

I PUT ONE ON.I DIDN'T FEEL CONFIDENT.

I FELT PARANOID.

"UH-OH, I GOT ONE OF THESE ON.HOPE I DON'T FALL IN A PUDDLE."

[sucking noise]

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