CC Presents: Robert Kelly

  • 04/03/2008

IT'S JUST BAD.

I FEEL BAD FOR IT, TOO,'CAUSE WHEN WE FIRST MET,

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING--I WAS GOOD.

FIRST OF ALL, I HAD HAIR,GORGEOUS RINGLETS.

I USED TO GET A SCRUNCHYBEFORE WE HAD SEX AND PUT IT IN.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, I USED TO--I WAS SO GOOD AT SEX,I WAS SEXY AFTER SEX.

THAT'S HOW GOOD I WAS.AS SOON AS I WAS DONE,

I'D POP OFF ANDWALK AROUND LIKE A PANTHER.

I USED TO GET A SHEETAND MAKE A CAPE.

AND THEN I'D JUSTSTAND THERE AND STARE AT HER

LIKE I JUST CONQUEREDA SMALL ITALIAN VILLAGE.

I'D EAT CEREAL LIKECOOKIE CRISP OUT OF A VASE.

AND THEN I'D SHOW HER MY ASS.I'D JUST LEAN ON MY ASS CHEEK

'CAUSE THEY HADTHAT ASS DIMPLE-- ONE.

NOW I HAVE 87.AFTER SEX NOW IS SO DISGUSTING.

SOON AS WE'RE DONE,MY GIRL DISMOUNTS ME

LIKE SHE'S GETTING OFFA DIRTY BICYCLE. JUST--

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND THEN SHE LEAVES.

SHE JUST LEAVES THE ROOM.SHE WON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME.

IT'S LIKE SHE JUST HAD SEXWITH A TRUCKER FOR GAS MONEY.

I'M LYING THERE.I GOT FLOP SWEAT.

I'M HYPERVENTILATING. "HONEY!"THEN SHE COMES BACK IN

AND CLEANS ME LIKE AWOUNDED ELEPHANT IN THE ZOO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IN TWO MONTHS,

WHICH-- NO, NO, NO, NO.WHY ARE YOU APPLAUDING?

SHE COULD BE A JERK.YOU DON'T KNOW HER.

OH, IT MAKES METHROW UP IN MY MOUTH

- WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S-- IT'S-- I DON'T KNOWIF IT'S GOOD OR BAD I'M JUST--

IT'S JUST WEIRD,'CAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN,

YOU KNOW, NOW THATI ASKED HER TO MARRY ME,

SHE THINKS SHE HAS ME FOREVER.SO, ALL THE LITTLE PET PEEVES,

THINGS I DO THAT SHE HATESARE COMING OUT.

LIKE, WHEN WE GO TO SLEEP,SHE HATES THE WAY I GO TO BED.

I SLEEP A LITTLE WEIRD.I SLEEP FULLY NAKED WITH SOCKS.

I THINK IT'S SEXY AS HELL.I DON'T WHY SHE'S COMPLAINING.

I'M TALKING TUBE SOCKSFROM LIKE, 1978.THEY COME UP TO MY KNEES.

I LOOK LIKE OLIVIA NEWTON JOHNIN "LET'S GET PHYSICAL" VIDEO.

THAT'S HOW HOT I'M POPPIN'.AND SHE GETS MAD.

"BUT I WANNA BE NAKED.WHY CAN'T WE BOTH BE NAKED,

SO WE CAN FEEL EACH OTHER?""THE THING YOU NEED TO FEEL

- DOESN'T HAVE A SOCK."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"ARE YOUR FEET COLD?" "NO.BUT IF SOMEBODY BREAKS IN

- AND I HAVE TO FIGHT THEM...- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T WANNA GET SPLINTERS.

AND I WANNA SLIDE TO 'EMLIKE A MAGICIAN.

JUST-- WHOOSH!--ARE YOU READY?-- WHOOSH!--

- AND SLIDE AWAY.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT WOULD SCARE THE HELLOUT OF ANY BURGLAR,

JUST A FAT, BALD, NAKED GUYICE SKATING TOWARDS YOU

IN THE LIVING ROOM, JUST--WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH!--

WHAT'S UP, BURGLAR MAN?WRONG HOUSE. AND I'M JUST GONE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.LET'S AH, GET THE OBVIOUS

OUT OF THE WAY.I AM AH-- FAT.

AND I'M OFFICIALLY FAT, TOO.I HAVE TITS.

[Sighs] AND THE WAY I FOUND OUTWAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

I FOUND OUT--I WAS HAVING DINNERWITH A BUDDY OF MINE.

I ACTUALLY CAUGHT HIMSTARING AT MY TITS.

IT WAS JUST WEIRD.I WAS LOOKING AT HIM LIKE"DUDE, WHAT'RE YOU DOING?"

- HE'S LIKE "WHAT'RE YOU DOING?"- [LAUGHTER]

THERE'S A POINT--I DON'T WANNA GET TOO FAT.

LIKE, THERE'S THAT FATWHEN YOU DROP SOMETHING,

YOU'RE LIKE "DO I NEED THAT?"I DON'T KNOW. LET ME TRY.

NO, I DON'T NEED THAT. NO.MY LIP WENT NUMB.I DON'T NEED THAT AT ALL.

I'LL GET AWHOLE NEW BABY TOMORROW.

I'LL LEAVE THAT ONEFOR SOMEBODY ELSE. BYE BABY.

- I'M TOO FAT TO PICK YOU UP.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I AH-- I HATE MY SKINNY FRIENDS,TOO. THEY ALL SUCK.

OH, THEY DO.OH, THEIR ADVICE STINKS.

"JUST LOSE WEIGHT.""REALLY? IS THAT HOW IT WORKS?"I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT,

YOU FRIGGIN' TWO PARROTHAVE-AN-ASS FACE."

IT SUCKS BUYING CLOTHES.BUYING CLOTHES SUCKS.

THEY GET TO GO TO THE STOREAND THEY-- YOU KNOW--

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT SIZE--MEDIUM, SMALL, XL.

THEY'RE GONNA TAKE IT OFFAND WHIP IT AROUND THEIR HEAD

AT DISCO LATER ANYWAYS, JUST--"SCREW SHIRTS, I LIKE BELTS."

GOING TO THE STOREFOR ME IS AWFUL,'CAUSE THEY PUT THE XL

ALWAYS ON THE BOTTOM UNDER,LIKE, 50 MEDIUMS AND 50 SMALLS.

AND I GOTTA USE MY FAT THUMBSAND RUIN ALL THEIR FOLDS.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMESKINNY GUY WITH A HEADSETLOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"SIR, CAN I HELP YOU?" YEAH.YOU COULD TAKE THE FAT ONE,

PUT IT ON TOP.YOU SAW ME WALK IN,YOU PIECE OF CRAP."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THIS IS-- IT SUCKS.

AND WHEN YOUR FAT,WHEN YOU'RE BUYING CLOTHES,

YOU CAN'T JUST--'CAUSE IT SAYS YOUR SIZE,

YOU CAN'T TRUST THAT. YOU--I'M AN XL. I HAVE TO GO IN.I HAVE TO TRY A SHIRT ON.

GO HAVE LUNCHAND THEN TRY IT ON AGAIN.I'M NOT KIDDING.

I BOUGHT A SNAKE SKINLEATHER JACKET. IT SAID "XL."

I JUST BOUGHT IT. TOOK IT HOME.

I'VE NEVER WORN IT IN FOUR YEARS'CAUSE I STILL CAN'T ZIP IT.

AND EVEN IF I COULD, I'D JUSTLOOK LIKE A SNAKE EATING ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY FAVORITE RESTAURANT:APPLEBEE'S. I LOVE THAT PLACE.

YOU KNOW WHY? THAT'S THERESTAURANT WITH THE WAITERS

WITH ALL THE FLAIR AND THESUSPENDERS AND THEY'RE ALWAYS

HAPPY TO SEE YOU.I LOVE THOSE RESTAURANTS

BECAUSE THEY CATERTO FAT PEOPLE.

THEY KNOW FAT ARE SHOWING UP.YOU WALK IN, THEY'RE LIKE,

"HEY, WE TOOK CHICKENAND PUT CAKE IN IT.

IS THAT COOL?" IT'S LIKE,"YES. OH MY GOD."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"IS THAT EVEN LEGAL?""I DON'T THINK SO, FATSO.

BUT GO BY THE TOBOGGAN.WE'LL BRING IT RIGHT OVER."

OH, I LOVE THEDESERT MENU THERE, TOO,

'CAUSE IT'S SO RIDICULOUS.THEY ACTUALLY TAKE A COLOR PHOTO

OF THE DESERT,WHICH IS UNNECESSARY.

IT'S A PHOTO,LIKE IT HAD IT'S OWNPHOTO SHOOT DAY.

IT'S ALMOST A FAT GUYPORNO MAG AT THAT POINT.

AND IT HAS A DESCRIPTION.LIKE, IT TALKS TO YOU LIKE,

"HEY, I'M APPLY CRISPY.HI. I'M FROM CALIFORNIA.

"THIS IS MY SISTER,HOT FUDGE CAKE.

YOU CAN GET BOTH OF US, FATSO."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I NEED A DESERT THAT SATAN MADEFROM HIS ASS. [Farts Loudly]

"THIS IS 'SATAN ASS'FUDGE CHOCOLATE.

IF YOU EAT THIS,YOUR MOTHER WILL DIE."

[High Pitched Voice]"OH, BOBBY, WHY?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

REAL LOVE ISN'T ROMANTIC.IT ISN'T HOW NICE HE TREATS YOU.

IT ISN'T HOW NICESHE TREATS YOU.

REAL LOVE IS WHENYOU ACCEPT EACH OTHER

FOR THE PIECES OF CRAPTHAT YOU REALLY ARE.

MY GIRL,WHEN I KNEW SHE LOVED ME,

THIS IS HOW I KNEW SHE LOVED--WASN'T ANYTHING ROMANTIC.

IT WASN'T ANYTHING CRAZY.IT WAS BASIC LIFE STUFF.

THIS IS WHEN I KNEWMY GIRL LOVED ME.

I WAS LYING ONTHE COUCH SNUGGLING.

I WAS IN MY TIGHTY WHITIESAND MY TUBE SOCKS.

SHE WAS BEHIND ME.IT WAS REALLY CUTE,

WE WERE WATCHING A MOVIE,AND I JUST WANTED TO CUT A FART,

JUST TO BE CUTEAND BLOW IT IN HER FACEAND BLAME IT ON A GHOST.

BUT I'M 36.I THINK THAT'S FUNNY AS HELL.

IF YOU DON'T, I HOPE YOU DIEREADING A BOOK IN A LIBRARY

'CAUSE THAT IS HILARIOUS.IT'S ONE OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS

I'VE EVER DONE.I LOVE DOING THAT.

THAT AND PICKING YOUR NOSEAND FEEDING IT TO A DOG,

TWO OF THE FUNNIEST THINGSI'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE.

HILARIOUS! 'CAUSE THEY DON'TEVEN KNOW IT'S A BOOGER.

THEY THINK IT'S A TREAT.THEY'LL SIT. GIVE PAWS.

STUPID ANIMALS.

SO, I'M LYING THERE.I JUST WANTED TO-- [Farts]--AND BLOW IT I HER FACE.

I ACCIDENTALLY CRAPPED MY PANTS.IT WAS BAD.

I HAD TIGHTY WHITIES.I FILLED IT UP LIKE A DIAPER,

JUST WHAP.AND SHE WAS BEHIND ME.

I ACTUALLY HEARD HER GO, "UGH."I WAS, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD."

I JUST [Farts]--"UGH." I WAS LIKE,

I THINK I JUST PUNCHED HERIN THE TUMMY WITH POOH.

I'M LIKE, THIS IS THE END OFMY RELATIONSHIP.

I'M NOT A 9 YEAR-OLD, I'M 36,

IT'S NOT NIGHTTIME;IT'S THE AFTERNOON.

I WASN'T EVEN SLEEPING.I WASN'T EVEN SICK.

I JUST WENT [Farts]-- "UGH."THAT'S ALL I HEARD.

SHE'S LEAVING ME AS I SPEAK.BUT SHE DIDN'T.

SHE LAUGHED FOR LIKE,20 MINUTES. SHE WAS LIKE

"DID YOU JUST CRAP YOUR PANTS?YOU IDIOT. HUH.

"OH, MY GOD. I GOTTA CALL MOM."MOM, HE JUST CRAPPED HIS PANTS.

"NO. HE'S TRYING TO FARTAND BLOW IT IN MY FACE,

AND THEN HE CRAPPED.HE'S A MORON."

THAT'S LOVE RIGHT THERE.THAT'S LOVE.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THAT'S ALL MY TIME!

I GO TO THERAPY NOW, TOO.

- Audience Member: WOO!- Robert: YEAH, FANTASTIC.

I GO TO THERAPY.HE-- HE'S SUCH AN ASS.

HE REALLY IS.I TOLD HIM I HAD PROBLEMS,

YOU KNOW,KEEPING IT UP DURING SEX.

AND HIS ADVICE WAS TOLOOK MY GIRL RIGHT IN THE EYESWHILE WE'RE HAVING SEX.

THAT'S GREAT. HOW AM I GONNATHINK OF OTHER CHICKS,

IF I'M STARING RIGHT AT HER?LADIES, DON'T GET MAD AT ME,

YOU THINK SHE'STHINKING OF THIS WHILEWE'RE HAVING SEX?

WE'RE BOTH HAVING SEX,LIKE WE'RE HELEN KELLER,

"ARE YOU DONE,""I'M ALMOST DONE."

"ALL RIGHT. LET ME KNOW 'CAUSEI DON'T WANNA LOOK AT YOU."

THERE IS-- THERE'SREALLY NO ROMANCE, YOU KNOW.

SHE WATCHES TV.SHE WATCHES MOVIES.

SHE WANTS TO RECREATE THATIN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

AND WHEN WE CAN'T DO IT 'CAUSEIT DOESN'T EXIST, SHE BLAMES ME.

SHE SEES A HAMMOCKIN THE DISTANCE IN ARUBA.

"LETS GO MAKE LOVEIN THE HAMMOCK." REALLY?

"TRY HAVING SEX IN A HAMMOCK.YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS?

"YOU FALL OUT.THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

IT IS. IT'S FUNNY,LIKE FOUR TIMES

UNTIL SOMETHING GETS CAUGHTIN THE HAMMOCK.

YOU KNOW, OH, MY GOD. HONEY,I'M CAUGHT IN THE HAMMOCK!

IT'S IN THE HAMMOCK!IT'S IN THE HAMMOCK!

STOP LAUGHING AND GET IT OUT!DON'T CALL ANYBODY!

DON'T-- YOU GET IT OUT!JUST GET IT OUT YOURSELF!

HAVE SEX OUTSIDE.BUGS FLY IN YOUR ASS.THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

THEY DO. THEY FLY INAND BITE YOUR ASS,

AND THEN YOUR ASSLOOKS LIKE A UFC FIGHTER'SEARLOBE THE NEXT DAY.

IS THAT ROMANTIC?

THERE'S NOTHINGROMANTIC ABOUT IT.

FIRST OF ALL, I CAN'T EVENGET ON TOP ANYMORE.

I'M TOO HEAVY. I AM.I'M TOO HEAVY TO GET ON TOP.

AND IT MESSESWITH MY SELF-ESTEEM.

EVERY TIME I GET ON TOP,THIS IS WHAT I HEAR,

"WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.

[Gasping, Panting] "NO, NO,NO, NO, BABY, IT WASN'T YOU.

"I THINK THERE WAS A HAIRBRUSHUNDER MY BACK.

"OKAY, TRY IT--WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, IT'S YOU.

"IT'S YOU. IT'S YOU.GET OFF, YOU FAT BASTARD.

PLEASE GET OFF ME FOR THE"LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIFE IS JUST NOT ROMANTIC.IT'S... IT'S JUST LIFE.

SHE'S NOT ROMANTIC, EITHER.

WHEN WE'RE HAVING SEX,SHE'S TRYING TO HAVE AN ORGASM.

SHE'S TRYINGTO GET TO THAT POINT.

THERE'S NOTHINGROMANTIC ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY GIRL DOESWHEN WE'RE HAVING SEX?

WHEN SHE'S GONNA HAVE AN ORGASM

SHE ACTUALLYPUSHES MY FACE INTO THE PILLOW

AND TELLS ME NOT TO SPEAK.THAT MAKES ME FEEL WONDERFUL.

'CAUSE APPARENTLYIF SHE SEES ME OR HEARS ME,

HER [BLEEP]SEIZES LIKE AN ENGINE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LYING THERE.I'M LYING THERE LIKE MYFIRST NIGHT IN PRISON.

"JUST, TAKE WHAT YOU WANTAND LEAVE."

EVEN THE WAY I ASKED HER IS--WHEN I ASKED HER TO MARRY ME,

IT WASN'T EVEN ROMANTIC.I WANTED TO BE ROMANTIC.

GUYS, WHEN YOU SAY IN YOUR HEAD,

"I'M GONNA ASK THIS GIRLTO MARRY ME,"

IN YOUR HEAD YOU START THINKINGOF THE MOST ROMANTIC THING

YOU COULD POSSIBLE DO,LIKE A HOT AIR BALLOON.

AND WHEN WE REACH THE CLOUDS,I RELEASE DOVES.

AND THEN PRINCECOMES UP IN ANOTHER BALLOON.

"HE LOVES YOU! AI-YI-YI-YI-YAH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT NEVER EVER HAPPENSLIKE THAT-- EVER. IT DOESN'T.

I HAD IT ALL PLANNED OUT.WE WENT THE ARUBA,

AND WE WERE JUSTGOING ON VACATION.SHE HAD NO IDEA.

SO, I PLANNEDTHE SECOND DAY THERE,

WE WERE GONNA BE ON HORSEBACKAT SUNSET AT THE BEACH,

AND I WAS GONNAASK HER TO MARRY ME.

THEN WE WERE GONNA HOLD HANDSGALLOPING DOWN THE BEACH.

GO AND MAKE LOVE IN THE OCEAN.WAVES WERE GONNA CRASH OVER US.

STAR FISH AND DOLPHINS WEREGONNA PARK IT AND APPLAUD US.

"HEE, HEE, HEE.GOOD FOR YOU GUYS."

THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED.I ACTUALLY WOUND UP ASKING HER

THE LAST NIGHT IN ARUBA WITHFOUR HOURS LEFT ON OUR TRIP.

WE JUST GOT DONE HAVINGMEDIOCRE SEX AT BEST.

SHE HAD AN ORGASM. I DIDN'T.SHE WAS LIKE "DO YOU WANT ONE?"

I WAS LIKE, "NO.THERE'S PIZZA. I'M FINE."

I WAS JUST DOING THISTO GET TO THAT,

SO IF WE COULDHURRY THIS THING UP,

I CAN MOVE ONTO THE PIZZA.OH, BY THE WAY,

DO YOU WANT TO MARRY ME?"I GUESS SO." OKAY. COOL.

THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED.THE ORIGINAL PLANWAS HORSEBACK RIDING.

BUT SOMETHING WENT WRONG.MY BRAIN GOT ALL MESSED UP,

AND I GOT ALL NEGATIVEAND FREAKED OUT.

SO, I WAS LIKE, FORGET IT.WE'RE ACTUALLY ON THE HORSES.

IT WAS SUNSET ON THE BEACH.I WENT TO GIVE HER THE RING.

HER HORSE FLIPS OUT LIKEHE KNEW WHAT A DOUCHE I AM.

"NOOOO." NO, IT'S LIKE,IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

AND I'M NOT GIVING HERTHE RING NOW,

'CAUSE IT'S TOO FREAKED OUT,'CAUSE MY LUCK,

I'LL GIVE HER THE RING.HER HORSE WILL BUCK HER.

SHE'LL FALL OFF, SNAP HER BACK.I GOTTA RUN OVER THERE.

GET THAT FRIGGIN' RINGOFF HER FINGER

BEFORE ANYBODY SEES THE [BLEEP].GIVE ME THE RING.

"BUT I LOVE YOU."I LOVE THE OLD YOU.

NOT THE NEW YOU. FORGET THAT.NO WAY, IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

I'M NOT PUSHING YOUAROUND WAL-MART

FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS.THAT'S NOT GOING DOWN.

FORGET THAT.

I DON'T EVEN ARGUE WITHHER ANYMORE, TOO.

I'M A CHANGED MAN.I'M NOT THE SAME GUY ANYMORE.

I USED TO LOVE TO ARGUE.I DON'T DO IT ANYMORE,

BECAUSE SHE CHEATS.SHE USES HER BRAIN.

SEE GUYS, WHEN WE ARGUE,WE'RE EMOTIONAL.

WE JUST GET EMOTIONAL.WE DON'T HOW TO CONTROL IT.

WE GET ANGRY AND WE JUST--"I DIDN'T SAY THAT!"

WE TRY TO INTIMIDATE THEMOUT OF THE ARGUMENT.

"NO. NO." AHHHHHH-- AHHHHH!

[Caveman Voice]"YOU LIED TO ME, WOMAN."

WOMEN ARE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE.

THEY KNOW HOW TO PUSHOUR BUTTONS, MAKE US FLIP,AND THEY JUST STEP BACK.

LIKE, AND THEY'REJUST SITTING THERE LIKE,

"YOU'LL SAY SOMETHINGI'LL HOLD AGAINST YOU FORTHE REST OF YOUR LIFE."

OH, THEY-- SHE LOVES IT.SHE LOVES PUSHING MY BUTTONS.

AND, YOU KNOW GUYS,WHEN WE GET MAD,

WE ALWAYS GET SO MADWE'LL LIKE, PUNCH SOMETHING.

LIKE, NOTHING--LIKE TO HURT OUR FISTS.

I ACTUALLY PUNCHED BUTTER,LIKE, TWO WEEKS AGO.

I GOT MAD. I WAS LIKE"I DIDN'T SAY THAT!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT IT WASN'T EVENREAL BUTTER. IT WAS

"I CAN'T BELIEVEIT'S NOT BUTTER."

THAT'S HOW BAD I AM.EVEN WHEN MY GIRL'S WRONG,

SHE'LL STILL GET ME TO SAY,"SORRY." SHE'LL PUSH MY BUTTONS

SO I SNAP. SAY SOME MEAN STUFF.AND NOW I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT.

I'LL COME HOME. I'LL BE,"BABY, BABY, YOU MESSED UP."

"I KNOW I DID BUT DON'T YELL."OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I WON'T YELL.BUT YOU MESS UP, NOT ME.SO, LET ME TALK.

"OKAY. BUT DON'T YELL."I WON'T.

"BUT SOMETIMES YOU DO YELL."I KNOW I DO, BUT NOT NOW.

"BUT YOU YELL AND--"I KNOW! I GET IT! DON'T YELL!

"I JUST DON'T--"I KNOW! DON'T YELL!

"YOU'RE YELLING."I'M YELLING, 'CAUSE YOU WON'T

SHUT YOUR FACE ABOUT YELLING!YOU FRIGGIN' SON OF A--

- SHUT YOUR FACE!- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

"YOU'RE CRAZY.

YOU'RE CRAZY."

I'M-- I'M CRAZY?! I'M--YOU ARE A PSYCHO-ALIEN BITCHFROM THE PLANET FARAWAY.

AND YOU FLEW DOWN HEREAND YOU LIVE IN MY HEAD!

YOU ALIEN BITCHFROM A FARAWAY PLANET!

NO!

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

DO YOU HOW DISAPPOINTEDMY GIRL IS?

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- GREAT, 8 OTHER NERDS

ARE WITH ME, GREAT. YOU KNOW HOWDISAPPOINTED MY GIRL IS?

THREE IN THE AFTERNOONI'M IN MY UNDERWEARAND SOCKS WITH A HEADSET

AND A MICROPHONE PLAYING OTHER9 YEAR-OLDS ON THE INTERNET.

MY GIRL GOTSO JEALOUS OF MY VIDEO GAMES,HER ADVICE WAS THIS.

SHE WAS LIKE,"WHY DON'T WE GET A VIDEO GAMETHAT WE CAN BOTH PLAY?"

- 'CAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I PLAY THIS,SO I DON'T HIT YOU.

THERE'S NO GAMEWHEN WE GO SHOPPING.

"WHOEVER GETS THE MOSTFOR THE LEAST WINS."

I'M A NINJA, BITCH.I'M DOING FLIPS.

I'M THROWING POISONED RICEFROM A TREE IN THE ATEE.

YOU EVER PLAY A VIDEO GAMEWITH YOUR GIRL?

I DON'T LIKE PLAYING 'CAUSESHE JUST WANTS TO HAVE FUN.

"LET'S JUST HAVE FUN."NO. IT'S A NINJA GAME.I LEARN TECHNIQUE.

I'VE PLAYED FOR NINE MONTHS.PEOPLE KNOW MY NAME!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU EVER PLAY WITH YOUR GIRL?THEY'LL HIT ONE BUTTON 87 TIMES,

BECAUSE THEY LIKETHE COLOR ON THE REMOTE.

JUST, "OH, MY GOD, BLUE. YEAH."

- AND WIN EVERY GAME.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"I WON. YEAH, I'M A NINJA!"I GET MAD. YOU'RE NOT A NINJA!

I'M THE ONLY NINJA IN THE HOUSE!I DO FLIPS.

YOU KICKED MEIN THE SHIN 87 TIMES.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEYOU SHOW A NINJA MOVIE

WHERE THE NINJA DID THISTHE WHOLE FRIGGIN' TIME?

DO A FLIP, BITCH.L1, L2, TRIANGLE, TRY IT.

SHE GETS MADWHEN I GO TO THE BATHROOM,'CAUSE SOMETIMES

I TINKLE ON THE SEAT.WHATEVER, YOU KNOW,

NOT THE WHOLE TIME LIKE AN ASS,JUST HA-HA-HA, I HATE YOU!

I AM THE PISS GOD!IT'S JUST A FEW DRIPPY-DROPS

AT THE END, YOU KNOW,WHEN YOU GOTTA SHAKE.

BUT I REALLY CAN'T SEEMY PAY YOU, SO YOU JUST--

I ASSUME IT WENT IN.I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO THIS.

SHE GETS MAD."JUST PICK UP THE SEAT." "NO."

THIS AGGRAVATED ME.SHE ACTUALLY GOT A POEMTO HELP REMIND ME

TO WIPE THE SEAT WHEN I'M DONE.

IT SAYS-- SHE PUT ITRIGHT OVER THE TOILET--

IT SAYS, "IF YOU SPRINKLEWHEN YOU TINKLE,

BE A SWEETIEAND WIPE THE SEATIE."

THAT MADE ME SO MAD I WANTEDTO PEE IN HER POCKETBOOK.

JUST-- JUST FILL IT UP.

HEY, HONEY,YOU GOT A POEM FOR THIS?

I DON'T NEED A POEM TO HELPREMIND ME, OKAY, I'M FINE.

IF I WANT TO WIPE THE SEAT,I HAVE SOCKS ON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I KNOW THE GIRLSDON'T LIKE THAT JOKE.BUT THE GUYS ARE LIKE

"HE'S A GENIUS.DID YOU HEAR THAT?

"HE JUST MADE HIS FOOTINTO A SWIFFER, DUDE.

"HE HAS GREAT TITSAND HE'S FUNNY.

- I LOVE THIS GUY."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Loading...