Jared Logan, Adam Newman, Emily Heller, Hannibal Buress

  • 07/27/2012

Adam Newman finds out who his celebrity doppelganger is, Emily Heller creates a lesbian accent, and Hannibal Buress learns not to fall asleep on the train.

IT'S AN ELECTION YEAR.

(audience whoos)

FEEL THE ENTHUSIASM PULSETHROUGH THIS ROOM.

WHOO! "YES.

YES...CAN'T WAIT."

YOU SHOULD BE LOOKING FORWARDTO THIS ELECTION

BECAUSE AMERICA DOESDEMOCRACY

BETTER THAN ANY OTHER NATIONON EARTH.

JUST LOOK BACK--JUST LOOK BACKTO WHERE IT STARTS.

EVERY ELECTION CYCLE--IOWA.

ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS,

ALL OF A SUDDEN WE DECIDE TO,OUT OF NOWHERE,

GIVE A (bleep) ABOUT IOWA.

AND I THINK I KNOW WHY.

IT'S THE IOWA CAUCUSES,THEY'RE SO FOLKSY.

THERE IS NOTHING MORE FOLKSYTHAN THE IOWA CAUCUS.

NEIGHBORS GATHERINGIN EACH OTHER'S HOMES,

DISCUSSING WHOTHEY WANT TO VOTE FOR,

WRITING DOWN THEIR CHOICESON PIECES OF PAPER,

HAVING THOSE PIECESOF PAPER COUNTED UP

BY OTHER LOCAL VOLUNTEERS.

IT'S PURE AMERICANA.

IT COULDN'T BEANY MORE FOLKSY OR WHOLESOME

UNLESS HUCKLEBERRY FINNSUDDENLY WALKED IN

CARRYING A FRESHLY BAKEDAPPLE PIE

AND STARTEDDROPPING THE N-WORD.

(laughing)

PLUS, LOOK AT THE CAMPAIGN ADSTHAT WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

CAMPAIGN ADS ARE THE BACKBONEOF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY.

IF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY SUFFEREDA GIGANTIC SPINAL INJURY.

AND YET WE'VE GOT GOODAT THEM NOW,

I THINK THERE'S A FORMULA NOW,A SUCCESSFUL FORMULA

FOR EVERY GOOD CAMPAIGN AD,

AND YOU CAN REMEMBER THATFORMULA

WITH A VERY SIMPLE ACRONYM,

AND THAT ACRONYM IS F-L-A-G-S.

F IS FOR FLAGS,LOTS OF FLAGS.

LOTS AND LOTS OF FLAGS.

L IS FOR LOTS OF FLAGS,

SERIOUSLY AN UNBELIEVABLEAMOUNTS OF FLAGS.

A IS FOR AMERICAN FLAGS.

CHINESE FLAGS CAN GO(bleep) THEMSELVES.

THEY CAN GO BACK TO RUSSIA WHERETHEY CAME FROM.

G IS FOR GOD...

IN FLAG FORM.

GOD LOVES AMERICAN FLAGS.

WHY ELSE WOULD HE HAVE CREATEDCHINESE CHILDREN

TO MAKE THEM FOR YOU.

AND S IS FOR SERIOUSLY ANUNBELIEVABLE AMOUNTS OF FLAGS,

AN ALMOST SARCASTIC AMOUNTSOF FLAGS.

THINK ABOUT A NUMBER OF FLAGSTHAT WOULD ACTUALLY BE OFFENSIVE

AND THEN REMOVE ONE FLAG.

THAT'S HOW MANY FLAGS YOU NEED.THAT IS HOW MANY.

(applause)

THEY REACT VERY SNOBBILY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, I WOULD SAY,"HEY, MY DAD WORKS AT WAL-MART."

AND THIS IS HOW THEY REACT,THEY'RE LIKE, "OH...

WHAT'S THAT LIKE?"

AND I DON'T KNOW HOWTHEY EXPECT ME TO RESPOND.

LIKE, AM I SUPPOSED TO TURN--MAYBE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE,

"OH, I KNOW.

I MEAN, HE GAVE ME LIFEAND SUPPORTS EVERYTHING I DO,

BUT THE WHOLE TIME I WAS LIKE,'GET A BETTER JOB.'"

INEVITABLY, THEY ALWAYS ASK,EVERY TIME,

THEY ALWAYS GO, "WELL,WHAT DOES HE DO AT WAL-MART?"

YEAH, IMPLYING THAT IF I DON'TSAY PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY,

MY DAD IS A PIECE OF (bleep).

SO WHEN THEY ASK THAT,WHEN THEY GO,

"WELL,WHAT DOES HE DO AT WAL-MART?"

I ALWAYS GO, "OH, HE WORKS INTHE CHILDREN'S GUNS DEPARTMENT."

(laughter)

I WANNA TELL ONE FINAL STORY.

I--I'M OBVIOUSLY IN VERYCRUMMY SHAPE.

AND--NO, LAUGH IT UP.

UH, THIS HAS BEEN GOING ONFOR A WHILE.

WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE,

I TOOK A 6:00 A.M. HEALTHAND WELLNESS CLASS,

'CAUSE THAT'S WHENI COULD FIT IN MY SCHEDULE.

NOW WHEN YOU TAKE THE 6:00 A.M.HEALTH AND WELLNESS CLASS,

YOU'RE IN THERE WITH THE HEALTHAND WELLNESS MAJORS.

LIKE, THESE ARE PEOPLEWHO WANNA BE HEALTHY AND WELL

FOR A LIVING,AND MY THING WAS,

I'LL JUST STAY UP ALL NIGHTAND GO.

SO THAT SHOWS YOUWHERE I WAS HEALTH-WISE.

SO ONE DAY WE WERE IN THERE,AND THEY ASK US--

THEY SAY TO MEAND THIS VERY FIT,

VERY BEAUTIFUL GIRLSITTING BESIDE ME,

THEY GO, "TELL US ONE BADHEALTH HABIT YOU HAVE

AND ONE GOOD HEALTH HABITYOU HAVE."

SO THE GIRL BESIDE ME,SHE GOES,

"BAD HEALTH HABIT...

I EAT BETWEEN MEALS."

AND I WAS LIKE,WAS THAT--IS THAT A THING?

IS THAT SOMETHING?

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,BUT FOR ME,

THE DAY IS JUST ONE MEAL.

IT'S JUSTMEAL, SLEEP, MEAL...

LIKE, RIGHT NOW, THIS IS--I'MHAVING--THIS IS A MEAL.

I'M HAVING A MEAL.

I HAVE CHEESE IN MY POCKETS.

SO THEN SHE GOES,"GOOD HEALTH HABIT--

I JOG FIVE MILES EVERY DAY."

AND I WAS LIKE,"WELL, PIN A ROSE ON YOUR NOSE,

YOU INSUFFERABLE BITCH."

AND THEN IT WAS MY TURN,AND I SAID,

"BAD HEALTH HABIT, I SMOKE,"AND WHEN I SAID THAT,

EVERYONE IN THE CLASSACTED LIKE

I WAS PICKING MY SCABSAND EATING THEM.

"YOU GUYS DON'T SMOKE?

I ENJOY SMOKING."

I WAS JUST ON ONE OFTHOSE WEBSITES

WHERE YOU UPLOAD YOURPICTURE TO THE WEBSITE

AND IT USESFACE-MATCHING TECHNOLOGY

TO FIND YOUR CLOSESTCELEBRITY MATCH.

MY FRIEND, WHO'S A GUY,GOT ANGELINA JOLIE.

I LIKE THIS TECHNOLOGY.HE'S A GUY, HE GOT A GIRL,

I'M GONNA GETA FUNNY CELEBRITY TOO.

MY CELEBRITY LOOK-ALIKEWAS ANNE FRANK.

YOU SEE IT?GOOD. YEAH.

IT WAS CLOSER THAN HIS,I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

AND MY MOM SAID, "AT LEASTYOU GOT SOMEBODY JEWISH."

BUT HERE'S MY THING.

ANYBODY ELSE THINK ANNE FRANKMAYBE SHOULDN'T BE ON THE LIST

OF CELEBS YOU CAN GETON THE SITE?

LIKE, IT SHOULD BE A LIGHTFUN GAME THAT YOU PLAY

WHILE YOU'RE SCREWING AROUNDON THE INTERNET AT WORK,

NOT SOMETHING THAT IMMEDIATELYREFERENCES THE HOLOCAUST.

THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

ANNE FRANK IS A HARD PERSON TOEXPLAIN TO A 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

TO EXPLAIN ANNE FRANK'SIMPORTANCE

TO A 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL NOW,

YOU HAVE TO USE14-YEAR-OLD GIRL LANGUAGE.

LIKE, YOU WOULD SAY,"PEOPLE USED TO WRITE IN DIARIES

BEFORE THERE WAS BLOGGING.

SO ANNE FRANK WAS ESSENTIALLYTHE HOLOCAUST BLOGGER, RIGHT?"

(chuckles)

THEY UNDERSTAND THAT BECAUSEYOU'RE USING THEIR LANGUAGE.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU USE CATCHYWORD PLAY, LIKE HOLO-BLOGGER.

THEY UNDERSTAND THAT.

IT'S--IT'S AN EASY THINGFOR THEM TO GRA--

THEY JUST WANT A CATCHY WORDFOR LIKE A T-SHIRT

OR THE BACK OF THEIR SHORTS.

THAT'S WHAT THEY CARE ABOUT.

IT'S A LARGE 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL

THAT CAN FIT THE WHOLE WORDHOLO-BLOGGER

ON THE BACK OF HER SHORTS.

BUT, YOU KNOW,YOU'RE GETTING THERE.

I JUST DOG-SAT FOR A FRIEND.

HE'S GOT A LITTLE SCHNAUZERNAMED RORY,

WHO I TOOK THE LIBERTYOF RENAMING DOOGIE SCHNAUZER...

FOR OUR WEEKEND TOGETHER.

BECAUSE THAT'S A WAY BETTER NAMEFOR A SCHNAUZER.

I THINK IF YOU HAVE A DOG,

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS NAMEYOUR DOG

BASED ON THE BREED THAT IT IS.

LIKE, IF YOU HAVEA BASSET HOUND,

NAME IT ANGELA BASSET HOUND...RIGHT?

WHY WOULD YOU NOT DO THAT?

IF YOU HAD A SHIH TZU,NAME IT SHIH-TZOOEY DESCHANEL.

OR GOLDEN RETRI-EVA LONGORIA.

CHIHUA-WALTER CRONKITE.

SALVADOR COLLIE.

ALL RIGHT.(cheers and applause)

THERE'S SO MANY MORE.

I--ALL RIGHT.

LABRADOR DOLLY.

YEAH.

MULSAVA BORDER DOLLY CAULKIN.WRITE THAT ONE DOWN.

YOU CAN BUILD.

IF YOU HAVE A BOY PUG,NAME IT MICHAEL PUG-LAS.

IF YOU HAVE A GIRL PUG,PUG-LY BETTY.

IF YOU HAVE FOUR PUGS,BONE PUGS AND HARMONY.

THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.ALL RIGHT.

YEAH.

A LOT OF TIMES WHEN I TELLPEOPLE I'M FROM SAN FRANCISCO,

THE RESPONSE IS THE SAME,IT'S ALWAYS, "OH, SAN FRANCISCO.

THAT'S A NICE CITY,BUT PRETTY GAY, RIGHT?"

AND I UNDERSTANDWHY PEOPLE THINK THAT.

I DON'T UNDERSTANDWHY THEY SAY IT OUT LOUD.

HERE'S THE THING, THOUGH.I'VE LOOKED UP THE STATISTICS.

AND SAN FRANCISCOIS ONLY 25% GAY.

SO THAT'S1 OUT OF EVERY 4 PEOPLE.

SO THAT'S LIKE SAYING,"OH, YOU LIKE THE BEATLES?

YEAH. THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD.

BUT WHY ARE THEY ALL RINGO?"

IT JUST FEELS LIKE EVERYONEOF THEM IS JUST RINGO,

RINGO.

RINGO.

THEY'RE SO IN YOUR FACEABOUT IT.

I'M NOT A LESBIAN.

I KNOW I HAVE TO SAY THAT INORDER FOR PEOPLE TO KNOW IT.

BUT I CONSIDER MYSELF AN ALLY,YOU KNOW?

AND I'VE NOTICED THAT THERE AREA LOT OF WAYS IN WHICH GAY MEN,

AND GAY WOMEN ARE TREATED VERYDIFFERENTLY BY SOCIETY,

LIKE A LOT OF TIMES WHEN PEOPLEDO IMPRESSIONS OF GAY MEN,

THERE'S A VERY SPECIFICVOICE THAT THEY USE.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE AN ACCENTOR A CADENCE,

A GAY-DENCE,IF YOU WOULD--

BUT THERE'S NO SUCHVOICE FOR LESBIANS, RIGHT?

THERE'S NO LESBIAN ACCENT.

AND I THINK THAT'S WEIRD,AND I THINK IT'S UNFAIR.

I THINK THERE NEEDS TO BE ONE.

AND I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT.

I THINK, HERE ME OUT,

I THINK IT SHOULD BEA REALLY BAD FAKE FRENCH ACCENT.

BECAUSE HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE

IF ONE DAY YOUR TEENAGEDAUGHTER SAT YOU DOWN

AND WAS JUST LIKE,"MOM, DAD,

(French accent)I HAVE SOMEZIN TO TELL YOU."

"ZIS IS JUST, UH,WHO I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN.

I WAS BORN ZIS WAY."

"YOU DID NOTHING WRONG."

"I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY FOR ME."

"I AM JUSTHOW YOU SAY...

VERY ANGRY FOR ZE LADY CARPET."

"LADY CARPET?"

I DIDN'T REALLY MOVETO NEW YORK,

I JUST POPPED UP IN NEW YORK

'CAUSE MY SISTERWAS LIVING HERE.

I JUST POPPED OVER TO HER PLACE."HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I HAVE $200 AND DREAMS,LET'S DO THIS."

I JUST POPPED AT HER--I WAS RUDE AS HELL.

SO THEY KICKED ME OUTAFTER TWO WEEKS.

AND SO I WAS PACKING UP,AND MY SISTER SAID,

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,HANNIBAL?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

I SAID, "DON'T WORRYWHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO.

YOU JUST KICKED ME OUT."

IT'S LIKE IF YOU SHOT SOMEBODY,POW, POW.

"SO WHAT HOSPITALARE YOU GOING TO?

YOU GOT HEALTH INSURANCE?YOU GOT HMO OR PPO?

YOU SHOULD GET SOME GAUZEOR NEOSPORIN ON THOSE GUNSHOTS."

SO I WAS IN NEW YORK.I HAD TO FIND A JOB.

I APPLIED FOR A JOBAT STARBUCKS.

ONE OF THE QUESTIONS WAS

"WHY DO YOU WANNA WORKAT STARBUCKS?

UH, BECAUSE MY LIFEIS IN SHAMBLES.

STUFF ISN'T GOING HOW I THOUGHTIT'D BE GOING.

THAT $200 IS GONE.

I MEAN, I WAS JUST TRYING TOCRASH WHEREVER I COULD CRASH,

AND I WAS HANGING OUTWITH SOME OTHER COMEDIANS

AND WE WERE ATTHIS GIRL'S PLACE HANGING OUT,

SMOKING AND DRINKING.

HER PLACE WAS SO DISGUSTING.

IT WAS THE MOST DISGUSTINGPLACE I EVER BEEN IN.

AND EVERYBODY BOUNCED,AND SHE SAID,

"HANNIBAL, YOU CAN CRASH HEREIF YOU WANT TO."

AND I SAID,"NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M JUST GO SLEEP ON THE TRAIN."

I'LL TAKE MY CHANCESLEEPING AROUND STRANGERS.

I WAS ON THE TRAIN,

I MADE EYE CONTACTWITH THIS WOMAN.

THE TRAIN STOPPED,

AND SHE GOT OFFAND MOVED TO ANOTHER CAR.

IT WAS A GOOD MOVEON HER PART,

BECAUSE I DEFINITELY WAS ABOUTTO PULL MY (bleep) OUT.

SO GREAT INTUITIONRANDOM LADY ON A TRAIN.

GOOD CALL,BUT IT WAS MY MOVE NOW.

I GOT LEGS TOO.WHAT'S UP?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA FOIL MY CREEPYPLANS THAT EASILY.

I'M DEDICATED TO THIS.

I WAS WAITING FOR THE TRAINAND I FELL ASLEEP,

AND I WOKE UP,

AND THERE WAS A GUY SITTINGTWO SEATS AWAY FROM ME,

BUT HE WAS WEARING MY HAT.

(laughter)

AND I WOKE HIM AND I SAID,"HEY, MAN, THAT'S MY HAT."

AND HE SAID,"YOU GAVE ME THE HAT!"

WHICH MEANS EITHERI'M JUST REALLY GENEROUS

WHEN I'M SLEEPING.

"HEY, MAN,THAT'S A COOL HAT."

"WHATEVER, LEAVE ME ALONE.TAKE THE HAT."

EITHER I'M GENEROUSWHEN I'M SLEEPING,

OR HE'S THE BOLDEST THIEF EVER.

'CAUSE HOW BOLD IS IT TO STEALSOMETHING FROM SOMEBODY

AND THEN FALL ASLEEPWEARING THE THINGS

THAT YOU STOLE FROM THEMTWO SEATS AWAY,

LIKE, "WHATEVER,I HAVE NO FEARS."

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