June 30, 2016 - Diane Guerrero

  • 06/30/2016

Soul Daddy celebrates the 4th of July, and Larry discusses Donald Trump's enthusiastic support for torture with Diane Guerrero, Ricky Velez and Holly Walker.

Ooh, yes!

Thank you very much!

Welcome, welcome, welcome!

I know.

Look at this.

All right, settle down.

Thank you very much.

Oh!

I love you guys, thank you.

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

Uh, thank you very much.

I am Larry Wilmore.

Man, fun show tonight.

It's, uh, all Mississippinight tonight.

-Really...-(cheers and applause)

Everything... we can...

(chuckles)

They said, "How come you don'ttalk about Mississippi?"

I said,"What should we talk about?"

Oh...

(mouthing):I don't know.

It's all right about that.

I ain't mad at you.

Okay, oh, yesterday wasthe North American Summit,

a meetingbetween President Obama,

Canada's Justin Trudeau andMexico's Enrique Peña Nieto.

Let's see how it went.

(camera shutters clicking)

(indistinct conversation)

(laughter)

Look at Obama's face, man.

It's like... brothers don't like

to butcher handshakes,all right?

This would have never happenedat the Pan-African summit.

I'm just saying.

(grunting)

All right, all right.

(mimics explosion)

Nobody blew it up.

I'm just saying.Mm-hmm.

All right, but this meetingwas not about handshakes.

It was about climate change,

international trade policy,and global security.

All right, media.

Give us yourprofessional analysis.

Well, it could be the mostawkward handshake in history.

The most awkward handshake ever?

NEWSWOMAN: Whole thing got a little bit awkward.

How does this work?

NEWSWOMAN: Things got kind of awkward.

-I would shake hands.-(Earhardt laughing)

This is the kind of thingyou have to...

No, that-that wouldbe like...

Oh, Fox and Friends,

even your demonstrationof awkward is awkward.

You know?

All right, but there seemedto be a lot of time

spent on this handshake.

All right,so maybe it is worth covering.

I don't know, uh...I tell you what,

here with his take from Ottawa,

is Nightly Show contributor,Mike Yard.

(applause and cheering)

Wake up, Larry Shill-more!

Wake up, Larry Shill-more,wake up.

Mike, Mike, Mike, can you takeyour mask off, please?

Oh, I'm about to takeAmerica's mask off, Larry.

Uh-huh, 'cause this is notabout a handshake, Larry.

This is not about a handshake.

-Mike, please,-No.

Are you telling me you think this is a conspiracy?

I don't think, I know.

Okay, this is all a part ofMexico and Canada's secret plan

to destroy the United States,

and establish a new country

in its place called Mexanada.

(audience laughter)

That's what's happening.

Mexanada?

Mike, that's insane.

Is it?

-Think about it, Larry.-Okay.

The UK leaves the EU,destabilizing the pound.

America, which has plentyof extra pounds--

Hello, obesity crisis.Okay?--

they announce the creation

of the North American Caucus.

N-A-C, which is only one letteraway from N-A-R-C.

Narc, the soldiersof the war on drugs.

Drugs are carried by drug mules

across the Mexican border, huh?

Mexico, whose climate is dry.

Canada Dry?

(laughter and applause)

(cheers)

Hmm?

Dry rhymes with eye.

Boom.

LARRY: Boom.

Boom, Larry.

Eye is the symbolof the Illuminati, man,

and the Illuminati are tryingto start World War IV,

sealed by the secret handshake.

It... That was nota secret handshake.

And World War IV?

When was there World War III?

Exactly.

Now you're getting it.

Follow the money, Larry.

Follow the money.

When did moneybecome a part of th...

All right, thanks for nothing.

All right, beforewe go away to celebrate

this country's independence,let's do a quick check-in

with the effortto liberate the White House

from its current stateof negrofication.

Time for The Unblackening.

(humming a tune)

All right, as we move closerto this year's

presidential election, the pollsare actually starting to matter.

And yesterday the nation's toppolling guru dropped a big one.

Nate is the ultimatepolitical numbers cruncher.

He called 49out of 50 states in 2008,

ran the table in 2012.

So, right now, we have Hillaryas about a 75

or an 80% favorite.

-Oh, my God.-(cheering, applause)

75...

or 80% favorite?

Those are ridiculous odds.

And let me tell you something,let me tell you something,

Nate Silver hasan incredible track record

of being right on the nosewith his predictions.

There is no way, guys,Trump can be president.

I'm saying it right now.I'm saying it right...

All right, all right, all right,all ri... Hold on, hold on.

No, no, no, pause.I'll tell you what,

I'll tell you what-- give meone reason why I'm wrong.

Now, everyone's gonna be alittle bit skeptical this year

-because so few of ussaw Trump coming. -Right.

Back in August you saidhe had about a, what,

two percent chanceof getting the nomination?

He got it.

Oh, my God.

How could this nerdhave been so wrong?

All right.

Let me seeif I can explain this.

Um, it's kind of like NateSilver's playing chess, okay?

But he's playing chesswith a chimp.

And Silver makes hisbrilliant opening move

and the chimpthrows his feces at him.

Okay?

This happens over and over againuntil he realizes

not only is he in check,

but he's completelycovered in feces.

Get ready for the Trumppresidency, you guys.

And if Trump's response

to the recent Istanbul airportattack is any indication,

the chu... the chimp (bleep)is already airborne.

We're living in medieval times.

We have to fightso viciously and violently.

You have to fight firewith fire.

Um, just so you know,

uh, in medieval times,

they knew that you fight firewith water.

(cheering, applause)

Or sand or mud.

Anything except fireis what you fight fire with.

But Trump has nothingagainst water,

as long as he can make itas painful as fire.

So we can't do waterboarding,

but they can dochopping off heads.

I wish he would dotalking no more.

Doesn't he understandthat this is illegal?

I can't believe that he'sstanding up for waterboarding.

So we can't do waterboarding,which is...

it's not the nicest thing,

but it's peanuts comparedto many alternatives, right?

Peanuts?

Waterboarding and peanuts don'tbelong in the same conversation

unless you're talking about

A Charlie Brown Guantanamo Christmas.

Then it... then it makes sense.

Then it makes sense.

All right,here to explain himself,

please welcome Donald Trump,everybody.

(cheering, applause)

Hi, Larry.

Look, it's great for youto see me again, okay?

All right, look, now, I can'tbelieve I have to tell you this,

but torture is illegal.

I mean, there was a huge debateabout it, like, ten years ago.

We all kind of decided

we weren'tgoing to torture anymore.

Look, torture is how I win,okay, Larold?

I tortured all the othercandidates in the GOP.

I mean, I picked off those bozos

like they were fingernailsoff some vendor

who owed me moneyat Mar-a-Lago, okay?

That's eerily specific.

Look, that's nothing...that is nothing

compared to what I didto the biggest loser,

Chris Christie. I mean,this guy, I tortured this guy.

I mean, I made fun of him,I kept him in my basement,

uh, for weeks...

until he broke,and now he's mine,

and it's unbelievably fantastic.

You kept him in your basement?

That is so twisted.

Look, look, torture works, okay?For Trump.

Look at little Marco.I mean, I tortured

that confusedlittle taquito so bad--

unbelievably bad--

that he couldn't evenwin Florida, okay?

A taquito?

That's a horrible thing to say.

Excuse me, excuse me.What do you mean?

I love taquitos, okay?You put hot sauce on it...

-That doesn't matter,that doesn't... -It's good.

-Everybody loves it, okay?-All right.

Look, all I'm sayingis torture works.

I mean, everythingabout it works.

I mean, I tortured Megyn Kellyfor months. I mean,

I said blood was coming outof her shame chamber, okay?

Shame chamber?

All right, you're right.

You know, actually, it's disgusting. It's...

actually grossing myself outa little bit, okay?

-Look, people love to betortured by Trump, okay? -Okay.

And if I'm gonna behonest and humble,

I am truly the bestto be tortured by, okay?

Who brags about that?

Trump, okay?

Look, I torture the press.

-I mean, I come on your show.-Yeah...

I say whatever I want,

-and you keep calling me,obviously, right? -Well...

-You love me.Admit it, Larry, okay? -No.

-You love being torturedby me... -I do not.

'cause you've got jungle fever.

How do all of these thingsyou talk about

make America great again?

It's not right.

Look, it's as the blackslike to say, okay?

All right?If we're keeping it 100,

America's at its best when weforget about what's right

and focus on what's great, okay?

That's what the blackslike to say, right?

-The blacks.-You don't even...

You don't even knowwhat you just said.

Look, look,if I'm gonna be honest,

America likes what's sexy, too.

I mean, we love sexy. I mean,like my daughter Ivanka.

I mean, uh, talk abouta great, sexy package.

All right, I don't want to hearabout your sick fantasy anymore.

Donald Trump, everybody.We'll be right back.

-♪ -(cheering, applause)-No, you're too sick.

You're a sick human being.

Welcome back.

So, Monday is Independence Day.

Now, a lot of peopleare gonna be celebrating--

fireworks, drinking.

Drinking fireworks.

Don't do that, by the way.

It's only a joke.

But, you know, it's funny,every year I like to share

my reflections on the holidayand country, and...

it's funny, I've been doing itsince the '70s, uh,

when I had my first show on UHF.Did I ever mention that show?

In fact, you know,I think we have some footage

from the big bicentennialepisode I did in '76.

Uh, Drake, can you run that?

Hey, welcome back to my Super Groovy Bicentennial BBQ

Can You Dig It? celebration.

So, Isaac from The Love Boat's hanging with us today.

Uh, actually, um,my name is Ted Lange.

-Mm-hmm. -Isaac isjust a character that I play.

Isaac, do that thing you doon The Love Boat opening.

You know, with the fingers.Do that.

That's some...that's some cool (bleep).

Uh...

(laughs)

Yeah. All right, Isaac,mix me up a mai tai.

Best Fourth of July I ever had,

I was butt-nakedon the George Washington Bridge.

-(chuckles)-Um... that's where I woke up.

I don't know what hap...That was the fifth of July.

What other holidaycan you do that? Arbor Day?

Go (bleep) yourself, Arbor Day.

You got to time your drugsaccordingly.

Nothing beatssome elephant tranquilizers

right beforethe big fireworks display.

It adds three additional colorsnot on the rainbow.

(chuckles):You know what I'm saying?

And let me tell yousomething, (bleep),

you never heard tuba musictill you've heard tuba music

on elephant tranquilizers.That's some (bleep).

Nothing says Independence Day

like stepping awayfrom your marriage vows

and getting freakywith the neighbor ladies.

You know what I mean. That'sindependence, mother (bleep).

I'm talkin' wife-swappin'.

(chuckles):Right? And free rides to the top

of Mount Washington Monument.

Why'd they call that thingthe Love Boat anyway?

Love is somehippy-dippy (bleep), man.

People just want to bone.

They sh...they oughtto call that just the Bone Boat.

It is perfectly fineto use your hibachi indoors.

A lot of mother (bleep)don't know that.

Also, they just puta fresh coat of-- uh...

what's that (bleep) called?--asbestos in here last week.

Oh, this (bleep) is safe, man.Safe as can be.

We're gonna do somebicentennial predictions.

-(quietly): All right!-You know, um...

this is just the wayI see (bleep)

for the next 200 years.

The Russians will bethe first ones on Venus.

That's my prediction.

What do you think? Mars?

-Uh...-(bleep) Mars, man.

Future leader, right?

O.J. Simpson.

Man will evolveto having a third hand.

I don't know wherethat hand's gonna come from.

Strangulation will be the waymost people will die.

-Yeah.-Mm. Tell me it's not more fun

to strangle a (bleep)than to shoot 'em.

Am I right?

Remember?You strangled Carl last year.

No, I never told...

(bleep) nobody's watching thisthat's gonna arrest you!

He strangled Carl, man.That was some (bleep).

(Lange laughs)

Man, you just knocked overmy mustard, mother (bleep).

Let me tell you,let me tell you,

that Liberty Bell, that wasan out-of-sight idea, man.

Nobody cares about no bell,but you put a crack in it,

all of a sudden everybody wantsto go to Philly and see it.

Right? Like some kindof tourist attraction.

That's-that'ssome genius (bleep).

They ought to put a crackin everything.

Crack.

Hmm. Hmm.

Have a happy and safeFourth of July, America!

-(cheering, applause)-We'll be right back.

All right, welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Ricky Velez.

(cheering, applause)

And Nightly Show contributorHolly Walker.

(cheering, applause)

And she's one of the starsof the hit Netflix show

Orange Is the New Black, actress Diane Guerrero.

(cheering, applause)

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter @NightlyShowusing the hashtag #Tonightly.

So, on Tuesday, Donald Trumpoffered renewed support

for the use of torture.

Uh, go ahead, check it out.

They said, what do you thinkabout waterboarding?

I said, I like it a lot andI don't think it's tough enough.

(cheering, whooping)

Okay, I don't want to focuson the waterboarding.

I want to focuson the reaction that he got.

That scares mejust a little bit, okay?

-WALKER: Yeah.-So, who do you think

is going to benefit morein the national security,

fighting terrorism issue inthis election, Trump or Hillary?

-Okay, first, I am not surprised-Uh-huh.

-that Trump supports torture,-Right.

because... seriously, 'causeevery time he goes on television

and opens his mouth,it's (bleep) torture.

-Yeah.-Every time.

-(cheering, whooping, applause)-It is so true.

-Yeah. -I think it's peoplewho don't want to do the work,

-who are, like...-Really?

-Yeah, who don't want to...-You mean politicians?

No, no, no. I'm saying thepeople who are supporting him.

I mean, what we just heard,that loud noise,

was people like,"Yeah! I don't want to read!"

(laughter)

"I don't want to have a debate."

"I don't want to havea rational thought."

-Right, right, right. -You know?It's too hard for people.

Trump's that substitute teacherthat shows up,

and you thinkyou're not gonna do work.

GUERRERO:Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

-He puts on a movie. He's like,"Here you go." -Right.

-Watch these peoplekill each other. -But, uh...

I mean, at the same time, like,everybody going after...

I mean, Hillary wasour secretary of state.

-Yeah. -She had the job.She killed Osama.

-Mm-hmm.-She can assemble something.

Like ISIS.She can de-semble something.

Do you think she... do youthink people view her that way?

As a fighter?'Cause it's so funny,

the... electionscan be so shallow, too.

I mean, people here, they say,"Yeah, Trump fighter!"

And then they just,"Hillary, eh..."

-We've never seen Hillary fight.She don't fight. -Oh... What?!

-GUERRERO: She fights. -I viewher as a fighter absolutely.

She's had Benghazithrown her way,

she's had the e-mail scandalthrown her way,

even Monica Lewinskyhas been thrown her way,

-WILMORE: Wow. -and she isstill... she's still standing.

-(cheering, applause)-She is still standing.

-(applause and cheering)-No. She is.

She's still standing.

And that's who wantin your corner--

that shady bitchthat can't be knocked down.

-That's who you want.-(applause and cheering)

-Yes. Yes.-VELEZ: No, no, no, no, no, no.

-No, no. -Some who's fightingfor you, backing you up.

-Hillary.... -WILMORE: Are yousaying on the next ISIS event,

she's taking off her earring?

WALKER: Oh, yeah.Getting some Vaseline out!

-Like she's ready to go.-She's always ready to go.

-She has the pants suit.She's ready to go. -Exactly.

-You know what I'm saying?-That's exactly right.

-Hillary's that woman that...-Right.

Hillary's that womanthat goes ahead,

she doesn't like her mealat a restaurant.

She don't say (bleep),

but she goes homeand write a nasty Yelp review.

-That's, like, the type ofperson she is. -(Walker groans)

-She ain't being... Come on!-WILMORE: Mm-hmm.

-(laughter)-No. No. No... -Nothing.

I'm trying to think-- is thata slam on Hillary or Yelp?

-(laughter)-VELEZ: No, it's... it's not...

-WILMORE: Can't understand.-When was the last time

it was dealt with?Like, I mean, I-I...

-WILMORE: Well, let me ask youthis. -Do we see her fight?

-We never... -Well, if we keephaving these terror events,

do you think thenational security issue is going

to be the deciding issuein this election? Or is...?

I mean, 'cause I don't know ifthe economy is. If feels...

To me, it feels like both sidesare agreeing on the economy.

We're just kind ofthrowing shade on Obama.

WALKER: I don't thinkit's going to make

-a difference either way.I think... -WILMORE: Mm-hmm.

-...that Hillary supportersalready like Hillary. -Yeah?

I don't think anyone's gonna beswayed over to Trump.

I don't think Trump supportersare gonna be

-swayed over to Hillary's side.-GUERRERO: Yeah.

I think...

WILMORE: What about the peoplein the middle?

Do you thinkthose people are gonna be swayed

by that kind of talk?

I don't think so.I mean, I think

-it's about participationat this point. -Mm-hmm.

At this point, it's aboutgetting those people who are

like, "Well, I don't care.I don't like either of them,"

just to say,"Look, this is what we have.

-You need to make..." Like...-WILMORE: Yeah.

-"And you need to votefor Hillary." -WALKER: Yeah.

-Yeah. Yeah.-That's it.

-(cheers and applause)-Yeah. Exactly right.

That's it.This is what we have.

-WILMORE: Mm-hmm. -AndI cannot... I cannot believe

that, like, the majority of thepeople in this great nation...

-Mm-hmm. -...think like Trumpor like his supporters.

-Right. Right.-They're loud. They're loud.

-WALKER: They're loud. -Youknow, really? Really? The maj...

-WALKER: But it's not... Yeah.-Okay. Okay.

I don't know.I just saw Brexit happen, and...

I didn't thinkthat was going to happen.

VELEZ:I swear, I was on stage

about two weeks ago,and I had a joke.

I go,"I don't like to ask people

-who they vote for becausethat's rude." WILMORE: Uh-huh.

"So now I ask themif they're racist,

and I figure it out from there."

(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-I swear to God. I swear to God.

And a guy jumped up, andhe goes, he goes, "(Bleep) you.

I'm voting for Trump, and mydaughter married a black guy."

And I was like, "Well, you don'tseem very happy about it."

-WILMORE: Yes. Exactly.-(laughter)

And then he goes...

He doesn't seem happyabout either one.

And then he goes, "Shut up!

I know seven black people."

I'm like, "You're not supposedto know how many you know."

-Like that's...-WILMORE: Yeah. Yeah.

That's the first rule of racism.

-Yeah.-Like, not knowing

-how many you know.-I know.

Trump's campaign-- it constantlyuses the fear of outsiders,

you know, to get people...How does that resonate,

-like, given your family story?-GUERRERO: Mm-hmm.

-You know, with youas a voter, how does that...?

Like, how does that feel

when you hear that kindof language being used?

Well, it just means I haveto work even harder, right?

-Mm-hmm. -I mean, the point isto change the culture,

to change the conversation

-in which we thinkabout an immigrant... -Right.

-...who an undocumentedperson is. Um... -Mm-hmm.

Your family was deported, right?

-That's right. That's right.-Right.

-Yes, when I was 14.-Mm-hmm.

And I stayed behind to...♪ Live out my dream.

-WILMORE: Mm-hmm.-Um, all good. I did it.

-I'm doing it. Still doing it.-Right. -(applause and cheering)

-Yeah.-Thank you.

Um...

-I... You know, it sets us back.-Right.

You know, it definitelymakes us work harder.

But this is whatwe're trying to do.

We're trying to get peopleto understand that we have

a problem in this country.

The immigration system is dated.We need immigration reform.

-Yeah. -And we needto get people on board

to even talk about the issue.Know that,

guess what. It's notcomprehensive. Guess what.

There's no back of the line,there's no right way,

there's no pathfor citizenship, right?

So I think the morewe talk about it is good.

It's fine. I'll do the work.I'm willing to do the work.

-Yeah. Are you...? -I wantpeople to do the work with me.

-(applause and cheering)-I agree. Um, are you, uh....?

Are you fearfulor hopeful at this point?

-Um, I think a little bitof both. -Little bit of both?

But I still haveto stay on the positive side.

-I'm a hopeful person, and...-Yeah.

And hopefully, we can makeenough noise,

and we just need participationfrom everybody.

-Everybody, everybody.-Amen. Amen.

-(cheers and applause)-Huh?

-I love you!-Go ahead.

-I love you!-But we're saying...

You said "make noise."Isn't that what Trump is doing?

-We have to be louder, kid!-WALKER: That's right. -But...

Is louder what we want?Like, is loud...? Because...

GUERRERO:Well, louder

with, like, rational thoughtand, like, good ideas.

You know what I'm saying?

-Just like that.-I understand.

-But what does America payattention to? -WILMORE: Yeah...

America's Funniest Videos is still on TV.

-(laughter)-WILMORE: But so is 60 Minutes.

-WALKER: Amen.-Yeah. Okay. All right.

-(applause and cheering)And so is The Nightly Show.

We'll be right back.

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