Coat Check

  • Season 2, Ep 9
  • 03/11/2015

After working coat check for a charity event, Abbi goes on a mission to get Kelly Ripa's coat back to her and Ilana develops a sexual relationship with her doppelganger.

Welcome.(moaning suggestively)

Um, I thinkI have your coat.

Wait.

You're not herefor the orgy?

No.Not really.(scoffing)

Maureen!

Can I help you?

Hi, uh, I think youleft your coat

at the charity eventlast night.

No, that's my ex's.He moved out last week.

That's whyI'm having an orgy.

I just felt so restricted inthis relationship, you know?

We've beentogether how long?

I still never sawhis nipples.

How does that happen?I don't understand that.

Maureen!(cat meowing)

(chuckling)Oh, sorry, I gotta diveback in there.

Wait!

Do you think you could give mehis new address?

'Cause I needto return this coat.

It's really important.Fine.Fine.

But could you drop offsome stuff he left here?

I'm not leavingany time soon.

Okay.Sure.

Cool, thanks.

Oh, wait.

Forgot his Civil War(bleep).

Oh-- There's a lot of people.Okay.(door slamming)

♪♪

Oh, thanks.

It's rentcontrolled.

I only pay600 bucks a month.

Really?

Of course not!

Prank!

I love pranks!

Oh.Oh, my.

I can't believe we finisheda whole bottle already.

Oh.

That's okay.

I've been meaning tocrack open a special batch.

Here you go.

Whoa,what is that?

Moonshine!

Yes, queen.

Yes,queen.

Yes, queen.

Yes,queen.

♪ Break it downdon't stop ♪

(moaning)

♪ Break it downDon't stop, don't stop ♪♪

Oh, my God.

Stop.Stop, stop, stop, stop.

What's wrong?Too much teeth?

No, the bitingwas dope.

I just...

It's too weird.

What's too weird?Okay.

I wanna putthis delicately

'cause I don't wantto freak you out too much,

but it came to my attentionthat we look exactly alike.

Yeah,no (bleep).

You knew?

I'm not blind,I mean,

isn't that why you approachedme in the first place?

No.

I was drawnto your aura.

And your scent,you know.

And your curlsand your cheeks.

Of courseI'm drawn to myself.

I masturbatein the mirror!

Me too!

That's what'sso hot about it.

It's like hooking upwith yourself.

I know, but--

I have sex with peopledifferent from me,

you know?

Different colors, differentshapes, different sizes.

People who arehotter, uglier.

More smart,not more smart.

Innies, outies.

I don't know--a Catholic person.

Nobody knows our bodiesthe way that we do.

Look.

Your G spot...

is right here.(gasping)

(sputtering)

Too intense.Too intense.

Oh, my God.

I lost my vision.

Yeah,for a second.

I don't knowthough.

I don't know.

It's like,creepy to me.

I'm sorry.

That's lame,but yeah.

Listen.

We should stillstay in touch

for organ donationor jury duty.

Mm-hmm.

You want?

Oh, no.

I don't smoke pot.

I gotta say, like,you're much wilder than I...