The Branding

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 02/21/2012

Luther, President Obama's anger translator, reminds everyone who killed Osama bin Laden.

- NOW I KNOWTHIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF.

CHECK THIS OUT.

FIRST OF ALL, YOU AND MESTART WORKING AT THE BANK.

DOESN'T MATTERTHE POSITION, OKAY,

JUST SO LONG AS WE GETIN THERE, ALL RIGHT?

THEN WE JUSTGO THERE EVERY DAY,

DO THE WORK,GAIN THEIR TRUST

UNTIL WE GET THEMIN THE PALM OF OUR HAND.

- ALL RIGHT.SO HOW WE GET THE MONEY?

- THAT'S THE BEAUTYOF IT, BRO.

THEY DEPOSIT THE MONEYINTO OUR BANK ACCOUNTS,

WEEK AFTER WEEK,MONTH AFTER MONTH.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN GONNA KNOWTHEY'RE BEING ROBBED.

AND THEN 20OR 30 YEARS LATER,

WE WALK OUT THE FRONT DOORLIKE NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED.

- MOTHER[bleep],THAT'S CALLED A JOB!

AHH!

- AHH!

OMEGA PI OMEGA!

- OMEGA PI OMEGA!

- [barking]OMEGA PI OMEGA!

- OMEGA PI OMEGA!- YEAH!

- YO, BRAND ME, SON.- YEAH.

- BRAND ME,DO IT ON MY CHEST.

- YEAH.- STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE, SON.

- YEAH, YEAH,YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

- AHH!

- YEAH, SON!

- OH, YEAH--YO...YO, YO, HOLD UP, MAN.

COME ON, WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT, THAT'S...

THAT [bleep]IS UPSIDE-DOWN, SON.

IT--IT'S TO THE SIDEA LITTLE BIT TOO.

- OH, [bleep], WELL, OKAY,MY--MY BAD, DOG.

MY BAD, DOG. YOU WANNAKEEP DOING THIS [bleep]?

LET'S GO!- YEAH, MAN.

I'M JUST--I'M SAYING,YO, BE CAREFUL.

- I GOT YOU, DOG,I GOT YOU...YEAH!

- AHH!

- WHAT'S UP?THAT'S WHAT'S UP!

- YEAH.- STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE, SON!

- YOU CAN'T GO BACKMIDDLE NOW, SON.

- WHAT?- WE ALREADY COMMITTED

TO THE UPSIDE-DOWNAND TO THE SIDE.

- I GOT YOU, DOG, YEAH!- AHH!

WHAT ARE YOUDOING, MAN?

- YOU SAID UPSIDE-DOWNAND TO THE SIDE.

- THAT'S THREE OMEGAS!

- OH, MAN,I FORGOT THE PI.

YEAH!- AHH!

OH...

- OH, MAN,I MEAN, YOU KNOW...

THAT--THAT, MAN...THAT--THAT...

THAT COULD BEA ROCKET SHIP,

OR--ORA LIGHTHOUSE.

NAW, MAN, YOU STRAIGHT UPGOT A [bleep] ON YOUR CHEST.

- AHH!

- WHAT DO WE DO?

THEY TOLD US AT THE STATIONTO COME DOWN HERE AND FILL TIME,

BUT, UH, THERE'SNO STORY HERE.

- IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD,THERE'S ALWAYS A STORY.

HERE, GIMME THE NAMEOF A MYTHICAL CREATURE.

- MYTHICAL CREATURE?I DON'T--

- TRUST ME.- UH, I DON'T--A PEGASUS.

- PEGASUS, PERFECT.

JUST ROLL,WATCH, AND LEARN.

- THEY CAN STAY IN MY HOUSEIF THEY WANT TO--

- HI, THERE. RICK NICHOLSBY,CHANNEL SIX NEWS.

WE'VE HAD REPORTSOF A PEGASUS IN THE AREA.

HAS ANYBODY SEENANYTHING LIKE THAT?

- AW, YEAH, MAN,I SEEN A PEGASUS.

I SEEN IT, YEAH, EVERY DAY.- I SEES IT TOO, MAN.

WE BOTH SEETHAT PEGASUS, DOG.

- YEAH, I SAW ITWITH MY OWN TWO EYES, MAN.

THAT HORSE HADA BIG OLD SNAKE HEAD--

- NAW, MAN, IT AIN'TGOT NO SNAKE HEAD, FOOL.

Y'ALL, THAT--THAT HORSEHAD SOME BIG WINGS, MAN.

- YEAH, YEAH.- THAT'S SOME FLYING [bleep].

- YEAH, THAT HORSEHAD BIG OLD WINGS.

MAN, LIKE TWOSETS OF WINGS, YEAH.

Y'ALL SEE THE PEGASUS?all: YEAH.

- EVERYBODY UP IN HERESEEN THE PEGASUS, MAN.

- CURIOSITY HASBROUGHT OUT LARGE CROWDS

TO SEE THE ALLEGED PEGASUS INTHIS SOUTH LENNOX NEIGHBORHOOD.

- LOOK, THERE IT IS.

- I'M GONNA FIND IT,BREAK IT,

AND THEN RIDE ITTO THE PEGASUS TREASURE.

- RESIDENTS SAY THE CREATURERESEMBLES THIS AMATEUR SKETCH.

- KICKED THE [bleep]OUT OF MY CAR.

CITY'S GOTTA PAYFOR THAT [bleep] TOO.

I AIN'T GOT NO COVERAGEFOR NO PEGASUS, BITCH.

- HE LAND ON MY ROOF, MAN.LOOK AT MY ROOF, MAN.

HE BUSTED IT UP.

HE BUSTEDTHE WHOLE THING UP, MAN.

YEAH, HE BEEN--HE BEEN--HE BEENSITTING UP THERE EVERY DAY.

- WHILE MANY REVELIN THE POSSIBILITY

OF SEEINGTHE WINGED HORSE,

OTHERS ARE NOTSO WELCOMING.

- I JUST KNOW THIS NEIGHBORHOODWOULD BE BETTER

IF THAT PEGASUSIS PUT DOWN.

- I TELL YOU THIS: GOD AIN'TPUTTING NO WINGS ON NO HORSE.

- NOW, SEE, IF THIS WASA WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD,

ANIMAL CONTROLWOULD BE UP IN HERE

WITH A PEGASUS TRAP.- THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY CAN'T TAKE OUR PEGASUS.THIS IS OUR PEGASUS.

- PEGASUS UP INTHIS MOTHER[bleep]!

- HEY, MAN, WHY YOUINTERRUPTING ME?

I'M TRYING TO TALKABOUT THE PEGASUS.

- [bleep] YOU!- HEY!

DON'T BE DISRESPECTING PEGASUS!- I LOVE PEGASUS!

- YES, WE'RE HERE LIVEON THE SCENE IN SOUTH LENNOX,

WHERE RIOTS HAVE BROKEN OUTOVER THE ALLEGED APPEARANCE

OF A FLYING HORSE.

- UH, GREETINGS,ADVENTURERS.

- GREETINGS.- GREETINGS.

- AS YOU ALLCAN SEE HERE,

WE HAVE A NEW TRAVELERIN OUR RANKS.

UH, THIS ISMY COUSIN TYRELL,

AND HE WILL BE CONTROLLINGTHE PLAYER CHARACTER.

- HIS NAME IS KANYE.HE'S A GIANT, YO.

- [nervously laughing]UH, DEAR COUSIN...

TRADITIONALLY, A--A GIANTIS NOT ASSUMED BY A PLAYER.

IT IS ACHAOTIC, EVIL--

- YEAH, BUT I WANNABE A GIANT, YO.

ALL BIG.

- OH, OKAY. FINE.[laughing]

WELL, TRAVELERS, YOU ARE JOINEDON YOUR ADVENTURE TODAY

BY A GIANTNAMED KANYE.

NOW WHEN LAST WE LEFT YOU,YOU WERE AT THE INN

OF THE NORTH STARIN THE TOWN OF ISLEDOR.

HOW DO YOU BEGINYOUR ADVENTURE?

- I WANNA GETSOME BITCHES.

WHERE THE CLUB ATAT ISLEDOR, YO?

- TYRELL, THIS ISHIGHLY UNUSUAL.

I THINK THE GUYS PROBABLYJUST WANNA GO ON THE QUEST--

- UM, STEPHEN?- YES?

- I WOULD LIKE TO JOINKANYE THE GIANT IN HIS QUEST.

- SERIOUSLY?

ALL RIGHT.

THE TWO OF YOUENTER THE TAVERN.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- KANYE THE GIANTORDERS ALIZE.

- HMM, SAYSTHE BARKEEP.

UH, I KNOW NOT OF THIS FOREIGNBEVERAGE OF WHICH YOU SPEAK.

PERHAPS YOU'D ENJOYAN ELVEN ALE?

- NO, WE BOTHWANT THE ALIZE.

- ALIZE DOES NOT EXISTIN THIS WORLD.

- KANYE THE GIANTSLAPS THAT BITCH.

- OH!

- KANYE THE GIANT ATTEMPTSTO SLAP THE BARTENDER. HERE.

THE BARTENDERIS HALF-HOBBIT

AND VERY NIMBLE,

SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVETO ROLL AN 18 OR ABOVE TO HIT.

20.- BLIP.

SLAP THAT HOBBIT'S[bleep] OFF, YO.

- OKAY. GOLLINTHE CLERIC,

WOULD YOU CARE TO RESTRAINKANYE THE GIANT

BEFORE THE TOWN GUARDIS CALLED?

- UH, I GRAB MONEYOUT OF THE REGISTER.

- BUT--BUT--BUT GOLLINTHE CLERIC IS LAWFUL GOOD.

THIS ACT OF THIEVERY

WOULD DISHONOR HIS GODS.- HEY, MAN.

THE ONLY GODSIS MONEY AND BITCHES, DUDE.

- AH! I ACCEPT KANYETHE GIANT'S GODS, AND, UH...

YEAH, I-I-I STEALSOME OF THE MONEY TOO.

- YOU TOO?

OKAY, WOULD YOU NOW LIKETO CONTINUE YOUR QUEST

FOR THE LANDS OF CALDAHAR?- FELLAS...

WE CAME HEREFOR BITCHES.

WHERE THE BITCHES AT?

- ALL RIGHT, YOU SEE A BEVYOF WELL-ENDOWED WENCHES.

- GREAT, I GRAB THEM BITCHES,AND WE ALL GO IN MY SUV.

- FINE. KANYE THE GIANT,UDAR THE DWARF,

AND GOLLIN THE CLERICCLIMB INTO HIS SUV

WITH THEIR BITCHESAND THEIR ILL-GOTTEN GAINS.

- AND OUR ALIZE.

PLUS KANYE THE GIANTPUTS HIS DEMO CD

IN THE CD PLAYER--- NO, HE DOESN'T.

THERE ARE NO CDsIN THIS WORLD!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

DO WHATEVERYOU WANT.

- ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS I'MTHE DUNGEON MASTER NOW.

THE EYE OF ONAOPENS UP...

16 TITTIESFALL OUT.

- YEAH! [laughing]- HURRAH!

SO IT'S DEFINITELY HAPPENING?WE'RE MAKING A RECORD?

OH, NO, I PROMISE,IT'S GONNA BE A HIT.

HEY, NO, MAN,THANK YOU.

- WHAT'S UP, MY MAN?

I HEARD ABOUTYOUR RECORD DEAL, DOG.

YOU GONNA KEEP IT REAL,NOW, RIGHT, RIGHT?

YOU'RE GONNA STAY TRUETO YOUR ROOTS, RIGHT?

YOU AIN'T GONNA LET DOWNYOUR BOY--YOUR BOY DWAYNE.

- DWAYNE WASHINGTON.- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- RAMSEY JUNIOR HIGH--- YO, YO, YO!

IF IT AIN'T CRAIG,THE MAN OF THE HOUR, HOMIE.

YOU REMEMBER ME,I'M TERESA'S COUSIN.

YOU GONNAKEEP IT REAL?

- YEAH, DEFINITELY GONNAKEEP IT REAL, MAN.

SO, YEAH...- WHAT UP? WHAT UP?

IT'S MY FAVORITE CRAIG, MM-HMM.- I DON'T KNOW YOU, MAN.

- YOU DON'T KNOW ME?

[bleep], IS THAT HOWIT'S GONNA BE, CRAIG?

- NO, I REALLYDON'T KNOW YOU.

- YOU CHANGED.

- ALL RIGHT,YOU GOOD, YOU GOOD.

[phone ringing]- CRAIG'S PHONE.

- HEY, YOUNGBLOOD.

MY GIRLS TAKE CARE OF THIS,YOU TAKE CARE OF ME.

- OH, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

OH!

[party music]

[phone ringing]- HELLO, CRAIG'S PHONE.

IT'S FOR YOU, BROTHER.- AWW.

THANKS, MAN. THANKS.ALL RIGHT, HELLO?

YEAH.

IT FELL THROUGH?

IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

DAMN, MAN...

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.THANKS ANYWAY.

SORRY, EVERYBOD--

[wind blowing]

[train whistle blows]

[Hail to the Chief playing]

GOOD EVENING,MY FELLOW AMERICANS.

NOW BEFORE WE BEGIN, I'D LIKETO ONCE AGAIN INTRODUCE YOU

TO MY ANGER TRANSLATOR LUTHER.- HI.

- NOW THIS NOVEMBER,I WANT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

TO ASK YOURSELVES, "WHAT HASCHANGED IN THE LAST FOUR YEARS?"

- WHO KILLEDOSAMA BIN LADEN?

- WHAT HAS MYADMINISTRATION ACCOMPLISHED?

- DID WE ACCOMPLISH KILLINGAMERICA'S BIGGEST ENEMY?

UH, CHECK,DID THAT, BOOM!

- IN 2011 ALONE, WE CREATED MOREJOBS THAN GEORGE W. BUSH DID

IN ALL EIGHT YEARSOF HIS OFFICE.

- EXCEPT FOR"OSAMA BIN LADEN HUNTER,"

BECAUSE THAT JOBDON'T EXIST ANYMORE,

'CAUSE I WENT OVER THERE,AND I KILLED HIM IN HIS FACE.

- WE HELPEDMAKE HEALTH CARE

ACCESSIBLE TO MOREAMERICANS THAN EVER BEFORE.

- I'M SORRY, WHAT'D YOU SAY?YOUR WORLD TRADE CENTER HURTS?

THEN WHY DON'T YOU TAKETWO DEAD BIN LADENS

AND CALL MEIN THE MORNING, BI-I-ITCH?

- THIS ELECTION,MAKE THE DECISION

THAT YOU THINK BEST SERVESTHE FUTURE OF THIS COUNTRY.

- OR YOU CAN EATA DUM-DUM SANDWICH,

AND JUST VOTE FOR THE PERSONWHO DIDN'T KILL OSAMA BIN LADEN.

BUT WHY WOULD YOU DO IT?WHY WOULD YOU DO IT?

I MEAN, GOD DAMN.

- I PLAN TO RUNA CLEAN CAMPAIGN,

ONE BASED ON THE ISSUESAND THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS

OF MY ADMINISTRATION.- MM-HMM.

BUT I'M GONNATELL YOU RIGHT NOW,

IF THE REPUBLICANS--IF THEYHAD CAUGHT OSAMA BIN LADEN,

THERE WOULDN'T EVEN BEAN ELECTION, MAN.

THEY'D JUST PUTA CROWN ON HIS HEAD,

AND GIVE HIM A CASTLE,AND JUST CALL HIM

THE KING OF AMERICA,AND THAT'D BE IT.

I SAID,THAT'D BE IT!

- ALL RIGHT,ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

JUST, YOU KNOW, BRING IT DOWNA NOTCH, THERE, LUTHER.

- OKAY, COME ON,LUTHER, MAN,

YOU'RE STRAIGHT UPOUT OF CONTROL, BROTHER.

- WELL, I-I--IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

- OKAY, DON'T BEATYOURSELF UP, IT'S OKAY.

- [coughing]'SCUSE ME.

- CAN A [bleep]GET A LOZENGE?

- NOW, LUTHER, YOU--YOU--YOU CAN'T SAY THAT WORD.

- OH...

ACTUALLY IT SAYS RIGHT HERE,I CAN SAY IT WHENEVER I WANT.

- I GUESS I CANSAY IT TOO.

GOODNIGHT, MY [bleep].

[Hail to the Chief playing]

- "Key & Peele," man,it's Vandaveon

and Mike again, man.

We really love your shit, y'all.

- Y'alls isstupid, though.

Y'alls is stupid.- Shit is funny, dude.

Just want to givea couple of notes.

You had one scenein this particular show, man,

it was--it was like, dude...

- Niggas in college.

- These two motherfuckersin college, right?

And they branding each other

'cause they ina black fraternity.

Man, watch this, man.

- [shouting indistinctly]

[both screaming]

- What are you doing, man?

- You said upside-down and to the side.

- That's three Omegas!

- Oh, man, I forgot the "pi."

Yeah! - Aah!

- [snickering]

That shit was--see, they should have--

- That was my shit.Y'all should have--

- They should have--

should have startedup from there.

- They should havestarted there, man.

That's what I was gonna say.

They should have startedwith the dick, man.

The first thing,like, when the lights came up

we should have seenis a dick on his chest.

- Straight up starting.

- And then y'all shouldhave just been like,

"Skah, skah, skah,"

just putting dicksall over the place, man.

Y'all should have puta dick on a wall.

Another dude should have beenlike, "Sss,"

and put a dick on his face.

Another dude like, "Nigga,I might have a dick on my chest.

You have a dick on your face!"

- Nigga dick on--put a dick on his dick.

[both laughing]

You got to put a dickon his dick, tell 'em.

- He talking about--what's he talking about, "Sss."

"Aah!"

Got a dick on my dick.

He said, "I put a dickon your dick, man."

- You need to startwith the punch line sometime.

- That's right, yeah.

Another thing would havebeen good, man,

is if his mommahad come in there,

"Nigga, what you doing up here?"

"Sss," put a dickright on her chin.

- Put a dickon the mom's head.

- She be like, "Oh, no, man..."

- Nigga, you stupid,that's stupid, that's stupid.

- You know whatI'm talking about,

his momma coming in there?

"I came all the way from hometo visit your ass in college.

What are you doing up in here?"

He be like, "Shut up, bitch."

"Sss," with a dick.

[laughter]

If you had, like,a third roommate, man.

The motherfucker's outside,

like, with a cupup on the door like this.

He's like--- Misinterprets.

- Yeah, yeah, up at the doorof the room, talking about,

"What's, what, what?"

And the dudes are in there,"Ah, man,

you went crazy, man,got a dick on my chest."

And the other dudebe like, "Oh..."

Like that, man,you know what I'm saying?

And then the other dude'slike, "Man, what happened?"

Like, "Sss," "Oh, no, no, man,now you got a dick on my face!"

And they be like, "What?"

And then, like, the two dudes,their girlfriends would come by

talking about,"What's going on, Darnell?"

And Darnell like,"Shh, shh, shh, be quiet.

Listen, listen,"and he let them listen.

And they be talking about,

"Oh, man, now you got dicksall over me."

And the girls be like,"Oh, no, my nigga gay!"

That's my shit--what?

- Then nigga putsome balls on his ass,

and shit like that.

- [laughing]Say it, say it.

- Why not?- Go ahead, say it.

- No, nigga, that's you,that's all you.

- No, go ahead,say it, Mike.

- It's all you, son,that's all you.

- He said he's gonna putsome balls on his...

- I ain't tryingto be in this shit, man.

- And then he can hear himthrough the door.

- This nigga stupid.

You being stupidright now.

Nigga being stupid.

- Oh, man, it was almostthere, like that, dawg.

It was like that, man.

You all were almost there.

But we laughed hardwhen we saw that dick, though.

- That shit was funny.