The Branding

  • 02/21/2012

Luther, President Obama's anger translator, reminds everyone who killed Osama bin Laden.

NOW KEEGAN AND IHAVE NOTICED

TO BE A HUGE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN WHITE COLLEGE MOVIESAND BLACK COLLEGE MOVIES.

- IT'S HUGE, YES.

IN--IN WHITECOLLEGE MOVIES--

WHITE COLLEGE MOVIES ARE ALWAYSONLY ABOUT HAVING FUN,

SMOKING WEED,AND STEALING MASCOTS.

- RIGHT, AND IT'S ALL ABOUT...[guitar-wail impression]

LET'S DRINK SOME BEEROFF OF SOME TITTIES!

- [guitar-wail impression]YEAH, LET'S GET AWAY

WITH DATE RAPE!both: [guitar-wail impression]

- AND IN BLACK COLLEGE MOVIES,THE--THE LEAD ALWAYS

SAYS THIS LINE,EVERY TIME:

- "I'M GONNA GOTO COLLEGE."

TOWARD THE BEGINNINGOF THE FILM, "I'M GONNA GO"--

AS IF SOMEONEJUST TOLD HIM,

"THERE'S NO WAY YOU'REGONNA GO TO COLLEGE, MAN."

- [laughing]- "I'M GONNA GO."

THAT'S THE PLOTOF THE FILM RIGHT THERE.

THAT THIS GUY'SGONNA GO TO COLLEGE.

- AND IN A WHITE COLLEGE MOVIE,IT--IT--IT--

UH, COLLEGEIS A GIVEN.

COLLEGE IS A BACKDROP.- OH, YEAH.

- IT'S ABOUT "HOW DO I GET OUT OF COLLEGE?"

- THAT'S RIGHT, "HOW DO I DOAS LITTLE WORK AS POSSIBLE?"

- "AW, MAN, I'M SICKOF THIS TRUST FUND,

AND MY DADBEING A LEGACY."

both: [guitar-wail impression]

- NO, BLACK COLLEGE MOVIES,ALWAYS THE SAME PLOT:

"I'M GONNA DEVELOPA CHALLENGING, RHYTHMICAL,

EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY"--- MM-HMM.

- "THAT'S NOT GONNA CHANGETHE FACT THAT I'M GOING

TO STAY IN COLLEGE."- MM-HMM.

IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT,BROTHER, 'CAUSE AIN'T NOBODY

GONNA TRY TO KICK YOUOUT OF COLLEGE.

IT'S A BLACK COLLEGE.IT'LL BE FINE.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND,WHEN IS GONNA BE THE DAY

THAT WE CAN HAVEA COLLEGE MOVIE FOR BLACK PEOPLE

WHERE WE GETTO ACT LIKE FOOLS?

- I'LL TELL YOU THISRIGHT NOW:

WHEN A BLACK MAN DRESSESLIKE A WOMAN

IN ORDER TO LIVEIN A SORORITY HOUSE,

WE WILL HAVE REACHED EQUALITY.- THAT'S RIGHT.

NO, ACTUALLY, THAT--NO, THAT MOVIE EXISTS.

BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE 3STARRING SIR MARTIN LAWRENCE.

[laughing]

- WELL, THEN, WE HAVE REACHEDTHE MOUNTAINTOP.

- ALL RIGHT.

AHH!

- AHH!

OMEGA PI OMEGA!

- OMEGA PI OMEGA!

- [barking]OMEGA PI OMEGA!

- OMEGA PI OMEGA!- YEAH!

- YO, BRAND ME, SON.- YEAH.

- BRAND ME,DO IT ON MY CHEST.

- YEAH.- STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE, SON.

- YEAH, YEAH,YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

- AHH!

- YEAH, SON!

- OH, YEAH--YO...YO, YO, HOLD UP, MAN.

COME ON, WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT, THAT'S...

THAT [bleep]IS UPSIDE-DOWN, SON.

IT--IT'S TO THE SIDEA LITTLE BIT TOO.

- OH, [bleep], WELL, OKAY,MY--MY BAD, DOG.

MY BAD, DOG. YOU WANNAKEEP DOING THIS [bleep]?

LET'S GO!- YEAH, MAN.

I'M JUST--I'M SAYING,YO, BE CAREFUL.

- I GOT YOU, DOG,I GOT YOU...YEAH!

- AHH!

- WHAT'S UP?THAT'S WHAT'S UP!

- YEAH.- STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE, SON!

- YOU CAN'T GO BACKMIDDLE NOW, SON.

- WHAT?- WE ALREADY COMMITTED

TO THE UPSIDE-DOWNAND TO THE SIDE.

- I GOT YOU, DOG, YEAH!- AHH!

WHAT ARE YOUDOING, MAN?

- YOU SAID UPSIDE-DOWNAND TO THE SIDE.

- THAT'S THREE OMEGAS!

- OH, MAN,I FORGOT THE PI.

YEAH!- AHH!

OH...

- OH, MAN,I MEAN, YOU KNOW...

THAT--THAT, MAN...THAT--THAT...

THAT COULD BEA ROCKET SHIP,

OR--ORA LIGHTHOUSE.

NAW, MAN, YOU STRAIGHT UPGOT A [bleep] ON YOUR CHEST.

- AHH!

- WHAT DO WE DO?

THEY TOLD US AT THE STATIONTO COME DOWN HERE AND FILL TIME,

BUT, UH, THERE'SNO STORY HERE.

- IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD,THERE'S ALWAYS A STORY.

HERE, GIMME THE NAMEOF A MYTHICAL CREATURE.

- MYTHICAL CREATURE?I DON'T--

- TRUST ME.- UH, I DON'T--A PEGASUS.

- PEGASUS, PERFECT.

JUST ROLL,WATCH, AND LEARN.

- THEY CAN STAY IN MY HOUSEIF THEY WANT TO--

- HI, THERE. RICK NICHOLSBY,CHANNEL SIX NEWS.

WE'VE HAD REPORTSOF A PEGASUS IN THE AREA.

HAS ANYBODY SEENANYTHING LIKE THAT?

- AW, YEAH, MAN,I SEEN A PEGASUS.

I SEEN IT, YEAH, EVERY DAY.- I SEES IT TOO, MAN.

WE BOTH SEETHAT PEGASUS, DOG.

- YEAH, I SAW ITWITH MY OWN TWO EYES, MAN.

THAT HORSE HADA BIG OLD SNAKE HEAD--

- NAW, MAN, IT AIN'TGOT NO SNAKE HEAD, FOOL.

Y'ALL, THAT--THAT HORSEHAD SOME BIG WINGS, MAN.

- YEAH, YEAH.- THAT'S SOME FLYING [bleep].

- YEAH, THAT HORSEHAD BIG OLD WINGS.

MAN, LIKE TWOSETS OF WINGS, YEAH.

Y'ALL SEE THE PEGASUS?all: YEAH.

- EVERYBODY UP IN HERESEEN THE PEGASUS, MAN.

- CURIOSITY HASBROUGHT OUT LARGE CROWDS

TO SEE THE ALLEGED PEGASUS INTHIS SOUTH LENNOX NEIGHBORHOOD.

- LOOK, THERE IT IS.

- I'M GONNA FIND IT,BREAK IT,

AND THEN RIDE ITTO THE PEGASUS TREASURE.

- RESIDENTS SAY THE CREATURERESEMBLES THIS AMATEUR SKETCH.

- KICKED THE [bleep]OUT OF MY CAR.

CITY'S GOTTA PAYFOR THAT [bleep] TOO.

I AIN'T GOT NO COVERAGEFOR NO PEGASUS, BITCH.

- HE LAND ON MY ROOF, MAN.LOOK AT MY ROOF, MAN.

HE BUSTED IT UP.

HE BUSTEDTHE WHOLE THING UP, MAN.

YEAH, HE BEEN--HE BEEN--HE BEENSITTING UP THERE EVERY DAY.

- WHILE MANY REVELIN THE POSSIBILITY

OF SEEINGTHE WINGED HORSE,

OTHERS ARE NOTSO WELCOMING.

- I JUST KNOW THIS NEIGHBORHOODWOULD BE BETTER

IF THAT PEGASUSIS PUT DOWN.

- I TELL YOU THIS: GOD AIN'TPUTTING NO WINGS ON NO HORSE.

- NOW, SEE, IF THIS WASA WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD,

ANIMAL CONTROLWOULD BE UP IN HERE

WITH A PEGASUS TRAP.- THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY CAN'T TAKE OUR PEGASUS.THIS IS OUR PEGASUS.

- PEGASUS UP INTHIS MOTHER[bleep]!

- HEY, MAN, WHY YOUINTERRUPTING ME?

I'M TRYING TO TALKABOUT THE PEGASUS.

- [bleep] YOU!- HEY!

DON'T BE DISRESPECTING PEGASUS!- I LOVE PEGASUS!

- YES, WE'RE HERE LIVEON THE SCENE IN SOUTH LENNOX,

WHERE RIOTS HAVE BROKEN OUTOVER THE ALLEGED APPEARANCE

OF A FLYING HORSE.

[Hail to the Chief playing]

GOOD EVENING,MY FELLOW AMERICANS.

NOW BEFORE WE BEGIN, I'D LIKETO ONCE AGAIN INTRODUCE YOU

TO MY ANGER TRANSLATOR LUTHER.- HI.

- NOW THIS NOVEMBER,I WANT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

TO ASK YOURSELVES, "WHAT HASCHANGED IN THE LAST FOUR YEARS?"

- WHO KILLEDOSAMA BIN LADEN?

- WHAT HAS MYADMINISTRATION ACCOMPLISHED?

- DID WE ACCOMPLISH KILLINGAMERICA'S BIGGEST ENEMY?

UH, CHECK,DID THAT, BOOM!

- IN 2011 ALONE, WE CREATED MOREJOBS THAN GEORGE W. BUSH DID

IN ALL EIGHT YEARSOF HIS OFFICE.

- EXCEPT FOR"OSAMA BIN LADEN HUNTER,"

BECAUSE THAT JOBDON'T EXIST ANYMORE,

'CAUSE I WENT OVER THERE,AND I KILLED HIM IN HIS FACE.

- WE HELPEDMAKE HEALTH CARE

ACCESSIBLE TO MOREAMERICANS THAN EVER BEFORE.

- I'M SORRY, WHAT'D YOU SAY?YOUR WORLD TRADE CENTER HURTS?

THEN WHY DON'T YOU TAKETWO DEAD BIN LADENS

AND CALL MEIN THE MORNING, BI-I-ITCH?

- THIS ELECTION,MAKE THE DECISION

THAT YOU THINK BEST SERVESTHE FUTURE OF THIS COUNTRY.

- OR YOU CAN EATA DUM-DUM SANDWICH,

AND JUST VOTE FOR THE PERSONWHO DIDN'T KILL OSAMA BIN LADEN.

BUT WHY WOULD YOU DO IT?WHY WOULD YOU DO IT?

I MEAN, GOD DAMN.

- I PLAN TO RUNA CLEAN CAMPAIGN,

ONE BASED ON THE ISSUESAND THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS

OF MY ADMINISTRATION.- MM-HMM.

BUT I'M GONNATELL YOU RIGHT NOW,

IF THE REPUBLICANS--IF THEYHAD CAUGHT OSAMA BIN LADEN,

THERE WOULDN'T EVEN BEAN ELECTION, MAN.

THEY'D JUST PUTA CROWN ON HIS HEAD,

AND GIVE HIM A CASTLE,AND JUST CALL HIM

THE KING OF AMERICA,AND THAT'D BE IT.

I SAID,THAT'D BE IT!

- ALL RIGHT,ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

JUST, YOU KNOW, BRING IT DOWNA NOTCH, THERE, LUTHER.

- OKAY, COME ON,LUTHER, MAN,

YOU'RE STRAIGHT UPOUT OF CONTROL, BROTHER.

- WELL, I-I--IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

- OKAY, DON'T BEATYOURSELF UP, IT'S OKAY.

- [coughing]'SCUSE ME.

- CAN A [bleep]GET A LOZENGE?

- NOW, LUTHER, YOU--YOU--YOU CAN'T SAY THAT WORD.

- OH...

ACTUALLY IT SAYS RIGHT HERE,I CAN SAY IT WHENEVER I WANT.

- I GUESS I CANSAY IT TOO.

GOODNIGHT, MY [bleep].

[Hail to the Chief playing]

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