Face Wars

  • Season 2, Ep 3
  • 10/17/2007

Sarah tries to prove that being Jewish is harder than being black, and Brian and Steve miscalculate the potency of medical marijuana.

IT'S LIKE EVERYWHERE I GOI'M A SECOND-CLASS CITIZEN.

THERE IS NOTHING HARDER THAN BEING JEWISH

IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

EXCUSE ME.

OH...UHH...

I'M SO THOUGHTLESS,I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T REALIZEWE WERE ORDERING.

I AM GOING TO HAVE THE--BA BA BA--

"PANCAKES DELAWARE."

UH, MISS, I THINKTHERE ARE HARDER THINGS

THAN BEING JEWISH.

LIKE BEING BLACK.[Sarah chuckles]

UM, DID BLACK PEOPLE HAVETHE HOLOCAUST?

NO, BUT WE DID HAVE400 YEARS OF SLAVERY.

OH, I'M SO SORRYYOU GUYS HAD TO, LIKE, UH,

HAVE GREAT SINGING VOICESAND REALLY CATCHY SONGS

WHILE WE GOT, OH, YEAH,MURDER SHOWERS.

(waiter) OKAY, SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS

BECAUSE OF OUR MUSIC,

WE SUFFER LESSTHAN THE JEWS?

YES.

I DON'T THINKHE GOT MY ORDER.

UH-OH, I SEEM TO HAVEDROPPED MY NAPKIN AGAIN.

A LITTLE HELP?

DUDE, WHAT'S UP?

I JUST REMEMBERED,

THERE'S, LIKE,A MEDICAL MARIJUANA PLACE

ABOUT A BLOCK AWAYFROM HERE.

YEAH, BUT DON'T YOU HAVETO HAVE A PRESCRIPTION?

NUH-UH, I THINKALL YOU GOTTA DO IS

TELL THEM YOU GET, LIKE,EYEBALL HEADACHES OR SOMETHING,

AND THEY'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.

AWESOME.

WE FOUND MY NAP...KIN.

THERE IT IS.

(Steve) WE'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

WE GOTTA DEALWITH SOME STUFF.

AND WE GOTTA DOSOME DEALING

WITH THE IMPORTANT--

OKAY.YOU KNOW, MA'AM--

I WISH YOU COULDWALK A MILE IN MY SHOES.

I BET YOU WOULDN'T LASTAN HOUR.

I WOULD LOVE TO.

WHY DON'T WE SWITCH PLACESFOR A DAY?

MY FRIEND EDDIE PEPPITONEIS, LIKE,

THIS INCREDIBLEMAKEUP ARTIST.

HE'LL TOTALLYMAKE ME BLACK.

AND THENWE'LL SETTLE THE SCORE

ONCE AND FOR ALL.

I'LL BE BACK.

I'LL BE BLACK.

I'LL BE WHITE BLACK.

[chuckles]

THAT'S AWESOME, DUDE!

WE JUST BOUGHT WEEDAT A WEED STORE.

YEAH, IT'S VERY EXCITING.

HE KEPT CALLING IT "INDO."

YEAH, WHAT'S "INDO"?

(Brian) I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS IT'S THE KIND OF POT IT IS.

YOU THINK IT'S REALLY STRONG?

NAH, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I BET YOU THIS STUFF'SSUPER WEAK.

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT.

CANCER PATIENTSARE WEAK, RIGHT?

I GUESS IF WE'RE GONNAFEEL ANYTHING,

WE SHOULD SMOKEA WHOLE BUNCH OF IT

REALLY FAST.

YEP, THAT'S PROBABLYTHE BEST IDEA.

THAT SHOULD DO IT.

YOU'RE GOOD TO GO.

[inhales sharply]

I LOOK LIKE THE BEAUTIFULQUEEN LATIFAH.

YOU'RE A GENIUS, EDDIE.

I GUESS IT'S TIMETO START MY ADVENTURE.

GOOD LUCK.HEY!

TAKE THIS.

IT COULD GET WINDYOUT THERE.

THANKS.

YOU LOOK GREAT, KID.

I LOVE IT,IT'S SO RHODA!

[New York accent]NEW YORK, THIS ISYOUR LAST CHANCE.

[laughter]

ARE WE EVEN WALKINGIN THE RIGHT DIRECTION?

WAIT, THERE'STHE POLICE STATION.

(Steve) JESUS, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

OKAY, DON'T FREAK OUT.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY,YOU KNOW.

WE'RE JUST BEINGSIN THIS WORLD

HEY, YOU GUYS.

HEY, COME WITH US.

[audio slow and distorted] (Steve) WHAT ARE THEY?!

LET GO OF ME!LET GO OF ME!

AAH!

GOOD AFTERNOON,GRACE BRADLEYINSIDE VALLEY VILLAGE.

GENTLEMEN, DO YOU SUPPORTSARAH SILVERMAN?

WE SMOKEDTOO MANY POT.

THERE SHE IS RIGHT THERE!

[cheers and applause]

(woman) WE LOVE YOU!

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIFULBLACK FACES.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

I WOKE UP THIS MORNINGWITH A GREAT VISION.

A VISION OF PLAYING TENNIS.

YOU SEE, TENNIS IS THE ONLYCARDIOVASCULAR EXERCISE

THAT I DON'T FINDCOMPLETELY BORING,

AND THE ELLIPTICAL MACHINEHURTS MY HAMSTRINGS.

BUT HOW CAN I EXERCISE WHEN JUSTICE IS NOT EXERCISED?

AND THAT'S WHY I STANDBEFORE YOU TODAY

AN ANGRY BLACKFACED WOMAN.

[cheers and applause]

SHE'S BEEN SUCHA NUT PATCH LATELY,

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT--

HEY, IS THAT A NEW GUN?

YES!

YOU THINK SILVER WASA MISTAKE?

NO, NOT REALLY.I THINK IT GOES--

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT,THE SAFETY IS OFF.

WHAT?!NO, IT'S NOT!

HERE, HERE.

SAFETY ON.

SEE?

SO OBVIOUSLYIT WAS OFF BEFORE.

RIGHT.SEE, SAFETY OFF.

SAFETY ON.GOT IT.

CITIZENS,WHAT THEY SAY IS TRUE.

IN THE WORDS OF THE OLDNEGRO SPIRITUAL,

"I HAVE GONE BLACK...

AND I CAN'T GO BACK."

[cheers and applause]

SAFETY ON.ABSOLUTELY.

SAFETY OFF.[gunshot]

[panicked shouts] (woman) OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

[Laura crying out]

(woman) ALL SET.THANK YOU.

HI, I'D LIKE A COURT.

GONNA PRACTICE MY SERVE.[chuckling]

CERTAINLY.WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME?

SILVERMAN.

SILVERMAN...

SILVERMAN...

I'M SORRY,I DON'T SEE YOUR NAME

IN OUR MEMBER BOOK.

ARE YOU A MEMBER?

NO.

YOU NEED TO BE A MEMBERTO USE OUR FACILITIES.

(woman #1) HI.

(woman #2) HI DENISE.

I'M SURE YOU UNDERSTAND.

YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.

I READ YOU LOUD AND CLEAR.

SO OUR DRUG DOG MARCELRUNS INTO THE HOUSE,

GOES OVER TO THE COUCHAND STARTS BARKING.

TURNS OUT IT'S STUFFEDWITH, LIKE,

30 POUNDSOF THE HARD STUFF.

UHH, METH?

I SEE THAT THAT DOESTO PEOPLE AT THE HOSPITAL.

IT REALLY METHES THEM UP.

[laughter]

NO, THAT'S SUZY'S JOKE THOUGH,SHE'S A TRAUMA NURSE.

MY JOKE IT THATSHE KEEPS PEOPLE IN STITCHES.

OH, YEAH.THAT'S GOOD TOO.

IT WASN'T METH,IT WAS MARIJUANA.

ANYWAY, SO WE GO IN THE KITCHEN,

AND I LOOK UNDER THE SINK,

THEY GUY'S SITTINGUNDER THE SINK.

HE'S, LIKE, "UHH!"

HE'S A LITTLE,MIDDLE-AGED KOREAN GUY,

ABOUT FIVE FEET TALL.

SCARED OUT OF HIS BEJESUS. HA!

OOPS, I SEEM TO HAVE DROPPEDMY NAPKIN.

STEVE, WILL YOU HELP MELOOK FOR IT?

[deadpan monotone]YES, BRIAN, I WILL.

DUDE, I THINKHE BUSTED JEFF.

YEAH, NO KIDDING.

THAT SUCKS.

I TOTALLY FELT LIKEGETTING HIGH LATER.

YEAH, ME TOO.

WE'VE GOTTA FINDSOMEBODY ELSE.

DO WE KNOW ANYONE?

NO, WE DON'T KNOW ANYBODY.

WE NEVER LEAVETHE APARTMENT.

IS THAT BAD?

NO, I LIKE IT THERE.

WE WERE WAITING FOR YOUBECAUSE I WANTED TO SAY

THAT LAURA, LAST NIGHT,SAID THE FUNNIEST THING.

TELL 'EM.

NO, NO, NO, IT'S JUST--[Jay laughing]

A LITTLE EARLIERWE WERE DRIVING BY

THE VALLEY VILLAGECEMETERY,

AND SO I JUST SAID,"OH, HEY, LOOK OVER THERE.

I HEARD THAT PEOPLE ARE--"

(Sarah) I'M THE VICTIM OF A HATE CRIME.

(Jay) WHAT? (Brian) OH, MY GOD.

IT'S TRUE.

THE COUNTRY CLUB WOULD NOTLET ME PLAY TENNIS

BECAUSE I'M JEWISH.

SHE WAS, LIKE,"WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SILVERMAN?"

AND THEN SHE'S, LIKE,"GET OUT, JEW."

SHE SAID THAT?

YEAH...BASICALLY.

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