The Dork Knight

  • Season 2, Ep 215
  • 04/11/2012

A rabid Bat Boy takes a bite out of Mark, transforming him into New York City's latest superhero.

ORGANIZED CRIME HAS MADE ADISTURBING COMEBACK IN NEW YORK

TO THE DISMAY OF LAW-ABIDINGCITIZENS

BUT TO THE DELIGHTOF LOCAL NEWS ANCHORS.

FOR REACTION, HERE ARESOME RANDOMLY CHOSEN IDIOTS.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S A LITTLE SCARY,

BUT IT'S ALSO, LIKE,KIND OF EXCITING.

IT'S LIKE THAT MOVIE.- GOODFELLAS?

- NO, THE OTHER ONE.- THE GODFATHER?

- NO, IT'S THE ONE WITH THE GUY.YOU KNOW, THE FAT GUY?

KEEP TRYING.YOU'LL GET IT.

- SO YOU'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUTTHE INCREASE IN ORGANIZED CRIME.

- NOPE.

- SAY, UH, WHAT'S THIS GOING ONBEHIND YOU?

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

- SOURCES SAY THATTHE GANG OF CAT BURGLARS

RESPONSIBLE FOR THE VIOLENCEIS LED BY

SHADOWY UNDERWORLD FIGURESABRINA MARONI

AS SEEN HERE IN THISUNNECESSARILY SEXY MUG SHOT.

- RANDALL,WHY ARE YOU WEARING A SUIT?

ARE YOU ACTUALLY GOINGTO LEAVE THE APARTMENT TODAY?

- I'M SHOOTING A TEST TAPEFOR MY NEW TV SHOW IDEA.

HERE'S THE PITCH:

I PICK UP PEOPLE IN A TOWN CAR

AND I GET THEM TO SAY TERRIBLETHINGS ON HIDDEN CAMERA

WHEN THEY'REDRUNK AND VULNERABLE.

I CALL IT TOWN CAR CONFESSIONS.

- UH, THAT SOUNDSA LOT LIKE THE OLD HBO SERIES

TAXI CAB CONFESSIONS.

- NO, DUDE,THIS IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

IF ANYTHING, IT'S DERIVATIVEOF GOLF CART CONFESSIONS.

- HI THERE, EVERYONE.

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBERJOINING US TODAY.

- TEACHER, BEFORE YOU INTRODUCENEW MEMBER,

WHY IS FILTHY BAT BOY HERE?- [chittering]

- WARREN,THIS IS OUR NEW MEMBER.

I'VE DECIDED TO CALL HIM BRUCE.

GIVE HIM A WARM WELCOME.

- NO!- KILL IT!

- GUYS, RELAX, HE'S JUSTA HARMLESS BAT BOY.

chomp!OW!

AH, DAMN IT, BRUCE.

[screaming]

- [screeching]- AH! UH!

- YAH!

thwack!UH!

UH! AH! DYUH! YAH!

YAH,DIE, YOU BASTARD.

UH!HAD ENOUGH?

YAH! UH!

[grunts become faster]

AH, I THINK HE'S DEAD.

SORRY, EVERYONE.

I KNEW HE'D ATTACK YOU,

BUT I'M ONLY ALLOWED TO KILLTHEM IF THEY BITE SOMEONE.

- WHAT?

- NOW, BAT BOY VENOM

IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUSAND UNPREDICTABLE,

SO PLEASE SHOW MEWHERE YOU WERE BIT

SO I CAN CUT OFF THE APPENDAGEBEFORE IT SPREADS.

- RIGHT HERE.

THANKS!

- HOW 'BOUT YOU,DR. FRASIER CRANE?

- I'M OKAY.- GREAT.

NOW, AS LONG AS I HAVEMY MACHETE OUT,

WHO WANTS A HAIRCUT?

- TAKE A LITTLE OFF THE TOP.

[Laughing]

OH, MAN, THIS IS HILARIOUS.

[rustling]

- [gasps]WHO'S THERE?

- [in gravelly voice]IT'S...ME.

- UH, MARK.WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN LATELY?

AND WHAT DO YOU HAVEAGAINST THE DOOR?

- I PREFER TO STAYIN THE SHADOWS.

- OOH, A COSTUME.SEXY.

WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?

- I'M BATPERSON.

- [giggles]

OH, THAT LOON WHO'S BEENALL OVER THE NEWSPAPERS?

THAT'S HILARIOUS.

- SHH.STOP TALKING.

[supersonic scream]

- UGH, GOOD CHRIST,

YOU HAVE TO WEARTHAT STUPID THING MORE OFTEN.

I COULD'VE DONE WITHOUT THATCRAZY SHRIEK WHEN YOU CLIMAXED,

BUT IT'S A SMALL PRICE TO PAY.

- OKAY, WELL,I MUST BE GOING.

THERE IS EVIL AFOOT.

- [giggles]WHATEVER.

- BATPERSON, AWAY.

[whines] OOH!MY COWL!

- [screams] WHAT THE [bleep]HAPPENED TO YOU?

YOU LOOK LIKE STEVE BUSCEMI.

- DON'T LOOK AT ME.

- YOU WERE BITTEN BYTHAT BAT BOY, WEREN'T YOU?

WAIT A MINUTE...

YOU REALLY ARE BATPERSON?

- YOU CAN'T TELL ANYONE, CALLIE.

I MUST PROTECT MY REAL IDENTITYFROM THE CRIMINAL UNDERWORLD

AND FROM THE LEGAL DEPARTMENTOF DC COMICS.

- MARK, YOU HAVE TOGET TREATMENT IMMEDIATELY

OR THIS COULD BECOME PERMANENT.

THERE'S NO WAY I COULDHAVE SEX WITH A BAT BOY.

WELL, AGAIN.

- I'M SORRY, CALLIE,

BUT I'M THE ONLY THING THATSTANDS BETWEEN ORDER AND CHAOS.

- YOU?

YOU REFUSE TO ARM WRESTLE

BECAUSE YOU CONSIDER ITASSAULT.

- THAT WAS MARK LILLY TALKING.

I AM BATPERSON.

THANKS FOR THE SEX, THOUGH!

- AND "BATS" ALL SHE WROTE.

- PST.THEY BEAT YOU TO IT.

- OH, MAN.

FLASHDANCERS, OKAY? AND STEP ONIT.

- SAY,

AREN'T YOU ACADEMY AWARD-WINNINGACTOR CHRISTIAN BALE?

- YEAH.THAT'S ME.

- HEY, MAN, I HEARD YOUCHEWING OUT THAT LIGHTING GUY,

AND I'M JUST GOING TO SAY IT,

THAT ASS[bleep] HAD IT COMING.YOU KNOW?

IF ANYTHING, YOU WENT EASYON HIM.

- TRUTH IS, IT'S NOT OVER.

I HAVE A LONG-TERM PLAN TO MAKETHAT MAN'S LIFE A LIVING HELL.

- UH-HUH. I'M WITH YOU.

- IT ALL STARTS WITH ME GETTINGA SEX-CHANGE OPERATION.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS EXTREME, BUTI'VE DONE FAR WORSE FOR ROLES.

AND THAT'S WHEN HE REALIZESTHAT HIS WIFE OF 20 YEARS

WAS REALLY ME, IN CHARACTER.

THEN, I'LL DIVORCE HIS ASS,

GAIN LEGAL CUSTODYOF OUR FOUR CHILDREN,

AND TAKE HIMFOR EVERYTHING HE'S GOT.

- WOW, YOU ARE REALLY COMMITTEDTO YOUR PARTS.

- AND AS FOR THE GUY WHO TAPEDME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION,

HE'S GOING TO GET ITTEN TIMES WORSE.

- OH, OKAY THEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN?THIS RIDE'S ON THE HOUSE.

YOU, UH, YOU GO ENJOYSOME BOOBS IN YOUR FACE.

- THANKS, MATE.- HE'S A GOOD-LOOKING FELLA.

THE DUNGEON OF INTERCOURSE, IFYOU WILL, PLEASE.

NOT A PROBLEM. UH, BUT WE DOHAVE TO MAKE ONE QUICK STOP ON

THE WAY IF YOU DON'T MIND.

- YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO,MY GOOD MAN.

MY NAME IS MICHAEL CAINE.

- THAT WAY.STEP ON IT!

- OKAY, BUT WE'RE GOING TO HAVEA WORD ABOUT THAT OUTFIT

WHEN WE GET HOME TONIGHT.

- DID YOU KNOWTHAT YOU ARE THE SPITTING IMAGE

OF A YOUNG DUDLEY MOORE?

DURING THE FILMINGOF HANNAH AND HER SISTERS,

THE WHOLE COURSE OF THE MOVIE,

I THOUGHT IT WAS CALLED PANDA AND HER SISTERS,

AND THEY WERE GOING TO ADD APANDA BEAR IN SPECIAL EFFECTS.

- YOUR BOYFRIENDIS IRRITATINGLY PERSISTENT.

- YEAH.IT'S ANNOYING.

- WHAT NOW?

- I DON'T KNOW.

RUN HER OFF THE ROADOR SOMETHING.

- DUDE, THAT'S AN ARMORED VAN.

THIS IS A LINCOLN CONTINENTALON LEASE.

- ON THE SET OF THE CIDER HOUSE RULES,

TOBEY MAGUIRE TRIED TO HAVE SEXWITH ME THREE DIFFERENT TIMES.

- SHUT UP, MICHAEL CAINE!

- YOUR BOYFRIEND IS ABOUTTO GO OUT WITH A BANG.

- REALLY?THAT'S YOUR BIG LINE?

- ADMITTEDLY, NOT THE BEST.I'M TRYING TO DRIVE HERE.

- [screeches]

- WHAT THE HELL?IS THAT STEVE BUSCEMI?

I LOVE HIS WORK!

- [supersonic scream]

- UH-OH.

[glass cracking and shattering]

AH! IT'S IN MY HAIR!

IT'S IN MY HAIR!GET IT OUT. GET IT OUT.

GET IT OUT.GET IT OUT!

[tires screech]

- FUNNY STORY.

ON THE SET OF JAWS 4: THE REVENGE,

I ACTUALLY KILLED AND GROUND UPA NATIVE BOY INTO PATE

AND SERVED IT AT CRAFT SERVICES.

- OH, MARK, THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR SAVING ME.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKEON THE OUTSIDE,

YOU'RE STILL MY HERO.

- [supersonic scream]

- AH!AH!

BITE HIM, DOUG.BITE HIM!

- [squeaks]crunch!

- D-AH! OH...

[groans]

- FYI: HE'LL NEED TOBITE YOU THERE ONCE A DAY

FOR THE NEXT YEARTO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T RELAPSE.

- OF COURSE HE WILL.

WE'RE FREQUENTLY TOLDTO AVOID A SIMPLE LIFE,

Loading...