Monday, December 5, 2016

  • 12/05/2016

Dave Hill, Steve Agee and J Mascis guess the reason behind a man's joyful meltdown, #AddASongRuinAMovie and spread the word about how to survive the horrors of global warming.

In trying times, it helps

to take refugein life's small pleasures.

This man has becomea genuine YouTube sensation

because he shed tears of joyat something so simple.

Was it, he found a curly fryin with his regular fries?

(laughter)

B) A particularlydank marijuana cigarette?

(laughter)

C) His wife just gave birth,

and there'sa Property Brothers marathon on?

-Dave Hill. -I want itto be the curly fries,

but I thinkit's the dank marijuana.

HARDWICK:I-I... Let's find out

if you're right.

(sniffling)

Thank God... for my reefer, man.

(laughter)

(bleep)

-(crying)-(applause and cheering)

HILL:Well, I mean...

(clears his throat)

He gets the curly friesimmediately after that.

HARDWICK: Immediately after.Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Now it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

Call me crazy,but this time of year,

I love cramming stuffinto other stuff--

cramming presents under my tree,food into my face,

and tonight we're cramming songsinto movies with our hashtag

#AddASongRuinAMovie.All right?

It's very simple.Examples might be--

"Terminator 2 Legit 2 Quit,"

and "Dude, Where's My Neck,My Back, My Pussy and My Crack?"

Uh, I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Dave Hill. -"Schindler's ListIs on My List."

-All right, points.-(laughter, applause)

-Steve.-The Godfather 2 Live Crew's

-"Hey We Want Some Pussy."-All right, points.

Thank you for... Yeah.

-J.-"Mrs. Doubtfire Starter."

Yes, points! Oh!

Oh, my God!

That is the mash-up moviethat needs to happen!

(like Mrs. Doubtfire):Hello! (imitates fire)

That would be (bleep) amazing.Dave Hill.

-"Beaches Ain't (bleep)."-All right, points.

Steve Agee.

"Sympathy forthe Devil Wears Prada."

Yes, points. Well played.

J Mascis.

"And I Will Always Love10 Things I Hate About You."

-(laughter)-All right, points.

Steve Agee.

"Who Let the Dogs Go to Heaven?"

-All right, points.-(laughter)

Dave... Dave Hill.

"Kindergarten Cop Killer."

-Yes, points. Points. Very good.-(laughter, applause)

-J.-"(bleep) Tha Police Academy."

-Yes, points! Points.-(laughter, applause)

-Uh, J. -"I Ain't Sayin'She's a Gold Digger,

But She Ain't Messin'with No Brokeback Mountain."

-All right, points.Very well played. -(laughter)

Global Warning.Global Warning.

According to NASA, 2016 ison track to be the hottest year

in history, beating the previousrecord holder, 2015.

Climate change appears to beturning into a global crisis,

kind of like dabbingor putting kale in salads.

Uh, you're not supposedto eat kale, by the way--

it's like (bleep) parsley,you guys. Stop eating it.

It's not-it's not good. Sotake your kids to see the snow

for the last time,then get to higher ground,

where you'll be safe.

Comedians, I would like youto give me as many

global warming survival tipsas you can in 60 seconds,

and begin. Steve.

Dry and jerk your turdsto eat later.

The guy who madethe guitar gun--

-he probably knowshow to do that. -AGEE: Sure.

Uh, points to Steve.Dave.

-Pretend it's not happening.-All right, points.

-Yeah, I said it.-Points. You're not afraid.

Steve.

-Suck up to Elon Musk.-All right, points.

J.

Get used to the tasteof your own urine.

Yes, points. Steve.

Get all Purgey.

All right, points. Dave.

Load up on SPF 4,000.

All right, points. J.

Learn to breathe carbon dioxide.

Yes, points. Steve.

Surround yourselfwith fat, slow people, Chris.

-(bleep).-Poi...

Points. J.

Fatten up your kidsto use as a raft.

Yeah, points.

Points.

Dave.

Weld spikes to your Prius

for when the worldgoes full-on Mad Max.