Free Will Hunting

  • Season 7, Ep 9
  • 08/08/2012

Bender embarks on a quest for the meaning of life after discovering that robots lack free will.

♪ Two... two, three... ♪

(alarm clock ringing)

Decisions, decisions.

Should I wear mynerd glasses today, or not?

Usually I don't.

Whatever.It doesn't really matter.

Doesn't matter?(grunts)

Every decision we make

opens up a universeof possibilities.

I put it to you that,as sentient beings,

each choice we make is precious.

Well, in that case,don't wear them.

Ah, who asked you?

(humming happily)

Ooh, I like your nerd glasses.

Are you a college student?

A college student?

(laughing)

Because if you are,I'd like to invite you

to a hot sororityparty tonight.(stops laughing)

Yes, I'd like toenroll in college?

You're still talking to me.

Oops.

$10,000 tuition?

I can't afford that!

JOEY MOUSE-PAD:Psst. Over there.

Where?I mean over here.

Sorry, I forgot where I was.

Buongiorno, Bender.

We, the robot mafia, areprepared to lend you $10,000

at an interest rate of 10,000%.

That's easy to remember.

I'll take it!

(ringing)

Decisions, decisions.

I guess I'll sit way in back,with the cool guys.

Yo hombre, you thinkyou're cool enough

to sit way in backwith us college toughs?

Yes, I do.

Yo, in that caseyou're all right, man.

You want to join a gang?

I'm gonna go with yes again.

ROBOT DEAN: Mr. Bender,

I realize class has onlybeen in session for 32 seconds,

but you've fallen inwith a bad crowd.

I know, right?

Also, I've decided todrop out of school.

Well, I got my tuition back,

minus $9,000 for the damageI caused to the dean's wife.

Yo, welcome to the gang, Homes.

I'm Fabricio.

Here's your Josten's ring.

Ooh.

(coughing, crackling)

Oh, yeah.

Hey, what's that?Is it drugs?

Nah, it ain't drugs.

But it's a lot like drugs.

It's called spark.You want a hit?

Never heard of it. Sure.

(crackling)

You like it?

Eh, I can take itor leave it.

I guessI'll take it.

Hey!

BENDER:C'mon! I want that spark!

Give me that!

This a big decision, G.

Are you ready toget a gang tattoo

that will mark you asa stone cold thug for life?

I'm ready.

I'll take that bigpurple dinosaur, please.

On the face.(car engine roars)

Oh, snap!It's our rival gang!

We have a rival gang?I hate them!

Hit the deck!

BENDER:Phew!

That was close, eh, Fabricio?

(choking)

Fabricio!

Rest in peace, homie.

(crackling)

Yo Paco, I'm hurtin' bad.

Hook me up with some spark.

Five bucks.Five bucks?

You know I spent all mymoney on gambling lessons.

How am I supposed to get $5?

Hello, handsome.

Might I procureyour services?

Uh... what do I have to do?

Oh, nothing sordid,I assure you!

Simply vomit on me,ever so gently,

while I humiliate a pheasant.

(retching)

Save it for the boudoir!

Okay, here's my $5!

Give me the stuff.Give it to me!

JOEY MOUSE-PAD:Sorry there, sport.

That cash greenbackbelongs to us mafiolios.

There's no way I'mletting go of that money!

(grunting)

Told you.

(sobbing)

It's been quite a journey.

I dropped out of school,joined a gang,

took money from a loan shark,

and fell into a spiralof despair, addiction,

and discount prostitution.

Mon, you had one hell of a day.

Yeah, but I learned something.

Life is about decisions.

Make the wrong ones,and you'll wind up face-down

in a pool of your ownblood and urine.

Still, to haveyour own pool...

I've made a lot ofbad choices in life.

Now let's see if I can makejust one good one.

Cookies! 50 cents a box!

Give me all your change!

And a box ofsnicker doodles !

(screaming)

(Bender crying)

JUDGE 724: Bender Rodriguez,

you are charged withpetty larceny,

possession of somethinganalogous to drugs,

and assault witha smelly weapon.

How do you plead?Not guilty!

Although I did do it.

That's right, I'm bad.

Due to the overwhelmingnature of the evidence,

we will begin withclosing statements.

Your Honor,the state's case contains

not one Kentuckykernel of truth,

resting as it doeson the contention

that my client madea series of bad decisions.

However, my client madeno such decisions!

But by your client'sown admission...

(squawks)

You see, Bender hereis what is known

in scientific circlesas a "robot"...

a mere automatonwhose behavior

is pre-programmedby his software.

He has no free will!

He cannot "decide" toengage in criminal behavior.

How, I say, I say, how can youconvict him for his actions

when he lacks the free willto undertake those actions?

(gasping)I'm awake,I'm awake!

Order, order!

Counselor, I am a robot myself.

Are you suggesting thatany verdict I reach

is simply the outputof a pre-programmed...

COMPUTER VOICE:Computation complete.

JUDGE 724:Not guilty!

(cheering)

You did it, Bender!

You got away with things!

Did I, Fry? Did I?

What's the point of livingif I don't have free will?

From now on, no matterwhat cool crimes I commit,

people will say,"Bender didn't do that!

It was justBender's programming!"

Well, I committed these crimes,

do you hear me?I'm guilty!

Bailiffs!

Get that innocent robotout of my courtroom!

Guilty!

(sobbing)

I have no free will!

I am not the masterof my own fate!

(sobbing)

No free will. Not my fault.

Why do you care so much, Bender?

I mean, for all we know,

humans don't evenhave free will!

Yeah, whatever.

Professor, you'remy only hope.

If you love me even a little,

build me some kind offree will unit!

A robot free will unit?

Impossible!

And even if it were possible,which it's not,

it would still beinconceivable... which it is!

(sobbing quietly)

Oh, I'm sorry, Bender...

I hate to bethe bearer of bad news.

Also, good news, everyone!

We have a delivery tothe Robot Homeworld!

(sighs)

So... you wanta piece of gum?

If I do, it's only because

I was predestined towant a piece of gum.

Whoa, that's pretty deep.

So... you wanta piece of gum?

Yeah.

Listen. Fry and I can'tgo down to the planet,

or the robots willkill us on sight.

So Bender needs tomake the delivery.

Ready to get to work, Bender?

I wish I was a real boy...

then I'd show them.

I'd kill them all.

Yes?

Delivery for a Mr...

147573952589676412927?

Wait, what was the middle digit?

Eight.Oh yes, that's me.

Hang on, let me just make sureyou're not a human.

Ahh, nerve gas.

Sorry for the face blast, buddy.

But you gotta watchout for humans, right?

They're just toodang unpredictable,

what with theirfree will and all.

Amen, brother.

"Amen, brother?" Pfft.

What a boring,predictable thing to say.

You're all right.

Or are you?

BENDER: Boring and predictable,

that's me. Bender.

(phone ringing)

I'm lowering the platform.

You ready to come up?

(sighs)

Why bother?

I gotta mope thingsover for a while.

Goodbye, sweet meatbags...

(sniffles)

...sweetbags.

Hello? Hello?

What's happening?

I'm not sure.

I think he's shufflingoff sadly into the distance.

Oh, lord.

(alarm buzzing)

How do you do it?

How do you go on

knowing you lackthe inherent capacity

for self-determination?

Son, philosophy's for thems

what don't got towork fer a livin'.

But me, I gota sick child to feed.

So if you want to chat,

roll up yer sleeves anddo some honest labor.

I don't want to chat.

(gavel bangs twice)

The Council of Robot Elderswill come to order.

If it please the Council...

Silence!

It pleases the Council.

Silence!Today, as every day,

we will make themost important decisions

in the historyof our planet.

BENDER:Silence!

(robot elders gasping)Silence!

Well? Speak up.

You talk of important decisions,

but as robots,you have no free will.

Why pretendanything you do matters?

Our decisions do matter.

The fact that they'repredetermined

makes themno less important.

Silence!

I call for a decisionto cast out the intruder.

All in favor?

Aye.Aye.Aye.

Uh... okay.

(screaming)

(pained grunt)

(monk-like chanting):One zero zero zero,

one zero zero zero,one zero, one zero,

one zero zero zero...

Welcome, friend.

I am Ab-BOT, the abbotof this monastery.

Sir, I am but a tiredand rusty traveler.

Can we talk?

Come, make yourselfuncomfortable.

Abbot, I need to know,

what's the point of livingif I don't have free will?

Ah. We robot monks havemeditated long on this.

And we havemade our peace.

No way.

Way, my son.

For though we must alwaysobey our programming

with no deviationwhatsoever,

we choose to takesatisfaction in the ritual.

So, are we automatons?

Yes.

But we aremagnificent automatons.

How does a robotjoin this monk outfit?

Just put on this monk outfit.

(crows)

(slurping)

(all belching)

ALL (chanting):One zero zero one.

Amen.

Bits to live by.

I'm finally at peace.

Today, we shall welcome

our newest initiate,brother Bender.

Let us knowwhat is in his mind.

Nothing.

His free willslot is empty.

I'm 40% empty.

(hollow thuds)

Also, what the hellis a free will slot?

All robots have such a slot,

placed there by theCreatrix herself.

(gasps)I know that Creatrix.

That's Mom, fromMom's Friendly Robots.

Indeed.

She made us upgradeablein case she ever succeeded

in her quest to createa free will unit.

Uh, about the successof this quest--

was there any?Quite possibly.

But we monks have sworn an oathto resist the temptation of...

(grunting)

Any of you guys got a spaceship?

(sighs)

It's just not the same here

without Benderto keep me company.

Hey, I'm here.

That's got to countfor something.

(both gasp)

Hallelujah, baby.

Yay! Bender's back.

Hey, Bender,you mind coming back later?

No time. Us three aregoing to bust into MomCorp

and steal me afree will unit.

Us? Why do we have to go?

'Cause I don't have free will.

I need you guysto plan the crime

and make allthe crime decisions.

Well, that's crazy.We're not going to...

I said makethe decisions!

Okay, Leela,decision time.

How do we murderthe guards?

Hockey sticksor sharpened footballs?

We're not murderinganyone, Bender.

Then how are wegoing to get in,

by bending the barsof this exhaust grate?

That's not a bad idea, Fry.

Yeah, wh-what?

(Bender grunts)

(electrical buzzing)

We're looking for somethingthat fits in here.

Damn it.

I should have paidmore attention in kindergarten.

What's this chair-looking gizmo?

(horn honks)(startled gasps)

Welcome to Momcorp.

Did you find everythingyou were burgling for?

No. I came fora free will unit,

and you're goingto give it to me.

If it exists.

Then you got surprised by myswivel chair for nothing.

The free will unitwas just the fevered dream

of a madman I once employed.

Good news, boss.

After ten long years,I've found the secret

of robotic free will.

We can finallybuild robots

that act and thinkwith total independence.

At last.

Once we giverobots free will,

they're sure to rise up

and threaten mankindwith extermination.

(laughs maniacally)

(chuckling)

Wait a minute.

It soundslike we're getting

the short endof that extermination.

Don't you see, youdoddering young fool?

I'll sell a second waveof robots

to protect the terrifiedsurvivors of the first wave.

Oh, you're a genius, Hubert.

But-but... it'sjust a prototype.

It's, uh, not fullyoperational. Yes.

Then get back to work!

And when you're done with that,

invent me some sortof swiveling surprise chair.

(groaning sigh)

MOM: That shuffling idiot

never did complete the free will unit.

To this day,my poor, sweet robots

can't exterminate humanitywithout being told to.

(sniffles) I'm sorry.

Oh, it's not your fault.

I give up.

It's time to face the fact

that I'll never do anythingremotely interesting

or unexpected again.

Hand it over.

Wha...?(glass breaks)

Mom may have fallenfor your lies, but not me.

You invented the free will unit,

then you selfishly hid itbeyond the reach of my stealers.

(stammering)

Thanks to you, I wenton a soul-searching journey.

I hate those!

Now, give up the free will.

(sighs)I should have destroyed it,

but I was too damn proudof myself.

So I kept it around,

never letting itout of my sight.

Where is it, damn it?

Oh, right.

I let this innocuousfellow use it.

BENDER (over speaker):Kill all humans!

BENDER:Whoa, whoa, whoa.

A toy Bender had free will,and the real Bender didn't?

Pretty cool, eh?It makes you think.

It takes more than thatto make me think.

Now, hand it over.

Oh, you want it?

Come and get it.

(grunting)

What the...?

(laughs)

You'll not begetting it after all.

For, you see, I designed

the operating systemfor all Momco robots,

and as a precaution,I made you incapable

of picking up thefree will unit.

You precognizant bastard.

I may not have free will,but I can still shoot you.

(grunting)

Why can't I shoot you?

(laughing)

Poor deterministic Bender.

I programmed you to beincapable of harming me.

Oh, I've never beenmore sure I was right

to deny you free will.

Damn you!

(sobbing)

(laughing)

(sighs sadly)

Now, now,we can't have this, can we?

Here, I'll showyou how it works.

Really?

This is the on-off switch.

Which way's on,and which way's off?

Due to the quantumnature of the device,

there's no possibleway of knowing.

There.

Give it a try.

Okay, I will.

By shooting you, you bastard!

(whimpers)Bender, no. Please!

(grunting)

Wait. Hang on a sec.

(strained grunting)

I still can't do it.

Well, what do you know?

I guess you really don'twant to shoot me after all.

Oop, the safety was on.

(pained scream)

(electrical buzzing)

(groans)

All rise for theHonorable Judge 724.

Bender Rodriguez,

on the chargeof attempted murder,

I hereby find you guilty.

(cheering)Ah, yeah!

Guilty!

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBHaccess.wgbh.org

♪ Decisions I made,thought I was a thug ♪

♪ Dropped outta schooland smoked ♪

♪ Stuff that's like a drug ♪

♪ A broke-down filthy

♪ Homeless substance abuser

♪ And now I'm richerthan all y'all losers ♪

♪ Now he's richerthan all y'all ugly losers ♪

♪ Decisions I made.

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