JB Smoove: That's How I Dooz It

  • 01/21/2012

JB Smoove examines the bulls**t on police belts, warns about hurting your ligaments, imagines a villain's perks and asks where the penises are in TV.

I GET IRRITATEDWHEN I GO TO GYM.

SOON AS I WALK IN THE GYM,I GET IRRITATED.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE EVERYTHINGIS SO DAMN HEAVY.

ALL THIS SHIT.

AIN'T NO LIGHT SHIT IN HERE?

[shrieking]

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

MY NEW GYM'SSO DAMN HEAVY,

THE DOOR TO GETIN THAT SHIT HEAVY.

I'D BE LIKE, GODDAMN,

HOW THE FUCKYOU GET IN THIS GODDAMN GYM?

WHAT KIND OF DOOR IS THIS?

GODDAMN.

[screams]

WHAT KIND OF GODDAMN DOORIS THIS?

FUCK.

WHEW, HOW THE FUCKDO YOU GET IN THIS GODDAMN GYM?

HEY, MAN,PEOPLE OUTSIDE CAN'T GET IN!

WHAT KIND OF GODDAMN DOORIS THIS?

I GOT TO WAIT OUTSIDEFOR SOMEBODY TO LEAVE

TO GET IN THE GODDAMN GYM.

IF SOMEBODY LEAVE,

I'LL SLIDE UPIN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

HOLD THE DOOR,HOLD THAT GODDAMN DOOR,

HOLD THE DOOR,HOLD THE DOOR.

GODDAMN.

I'M IN THE GYM.

I DON'T KNOWHOW I'M GONNA LEAVE,

BUT I'M UP INTHIS MOTHERFUCKER.

I GOTTA PULL A FIRE ALARMTO LEAVE.

WE ALL LEAVINGAT THE SAME GODDAMN TIME.

YOU DON'T MESS AROUNDWITH THE DAMN POLICE, MAN.

COPS DON'T BE PLAYING.

THEY GRAB YOUR ASS.THEY BEND YOUR WRIST LIKE THIS.

THE FIRST MOVE, THEY BENDYOUR DAMN WRIST LIKE THIS.

THEY TURN IT,THEY PULL THAT SHIT,

AND THEY RIP THAT MO--[groans]

PUT YOUR FACEON THE DAMN CAR LIKE THIS.

OH, OH, MY GOD, DAMN, OKAY,OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

OKAY, OFFICER,OKAY!

YOU'RE HURTING MY ARM!

YOU'VE GOT TO TELLTHAT DAMN OFFICER,

"OFFICER, THERE'S A LIGAMENTIN THIS FUCKING ARM."

THE WHOLE BODYIS LOADED WITH LIGAMENTS.

LIGAMENTS RUN THE BODY.

YOUR BODY IS FULLOF FUCKING LIGAMENTS.

[laughs]

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK YOUR BODYIS 75% WATER

OR WHATEVER IT IS.

IT'S 75% LIGAMENTS.

THAT OFFICER BEND YOURDAMN ARM

AND TWIST YOUR WRISTLIKE THIS.

AND YOU'RE FUCKING--OW, OW, OW, OW!

AND YOU MESS AROUND AND RIP THATLIGAMENT WHILE HE TWISTING IT,

GUESS WHAT YOU'RE STUCK WITHFOR THREE MONTHS.

THIS RIGHT HERE.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMNHOW HANDSOME YOUR ASS IS.

YOU WALK IN THE CLUBWITH THIS RIGHT HERE...

THE WHOLE BODYJACKED UP, RIGHT?

THE PANTS CROOKED,YOU GOT THE PANTS OVER HERE.

YOU LOOK LIKE THIS.

YOU DONE JACKED UPYOUR DAMN LIGAMENT.

NOW YOUR LIGAMENTALL JACKED UP, RIGHT?

YOU WALK INTO A CLUBWITH THIS RIGHT HERE,

BELIEVE ME,HEADS WILL TURN.

"WHAT UP, PLAYBOY?WHAT'S GOING ON, FOOLS?"

"WHAT THE HELLHAPPENED TO YOU?"

"MAN, THE POLICE DONEFUCKED UP MY LIGAMENT."

THIS AIN'T GOOD FOR NOTHING,RIGHT?

BE IN THE DAMN CLUBTRYING TO HANG OUT AND SHIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,MEETING GIRLS.

"WHAT'S UP, BABY?COME HERE.

"LET ME HOLLER AT YOURIGHT QUICK.

"COME HERE, LET ME TALK TO YOURIGHT QUICK.

"GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE.

"I'LL HOOKTHE HOOK ON YOUR ARM.

"GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE.

"I'M TALKING TO YOU.

DON'T--DON'T--DON'T DO THAT."

[laughs]

YOU KNOW WHY?LET ME TELL YOU WHY.

IT TAKES WOMENA THOUSAND YEARS

TO FIND THE RIGHT FRAGRANCETHAT SMELLS GOOD ON THEM.

PERFUME AIN'T SHIT.YOU UNDERSTAND?

PERFUME IS NOT WHAT MAKESYOUR LADY SMELL GOOD.

YOUR LADY MAKES YOUR LADYSMELL GOOD.

EVERY LADY HASTHEIR OWN NATURAL CHEMISTRY.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

NEXT TIME YOU'RE WALKING DOWNIN TIMES SQUARE, RIGHT,

NEXT TIME YOU IN TIMES SQUARE,EVERY LADY YOU WALK BY,

JUST LICK THEIR FACE.

YOU'RE GOING TO GOTO JAIL, BUT...

YOU WILL FIND OUT THAT EVERYLADY TASTES A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

ALL YOU CAN DO ISGO IN THAT DAMN CABINET--

THAT'S ALL YOU CAN DOIS GO IN THE CABINET,

SEE WHAT'S ALMOST EMPTY,

TAKE IT, LOOK AT IT,

AND GO AND BUY MORE OF THE STUFFTHAT SHE USED UP ALREADY.

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU COME BACK,YOU GIVE HER THAT DAMN PERFUME

THAT SHE'S ALMOST EMPTY ON,

I'M TELLING YOU,YOU'RE GONNA GET A PIECE OF ASS.

SHE'S GONNA BE LIKE,"OH, MY GOD,

"YOU ARE PAYING ATTENTIONTO ME.

"YOU WENT IN THE CABINETAND FOUND WHAT WAS EMPTY.

"OH, MY GOD,I LOVE YOU.

I FREAKING LOVE YOU,YOU KNOW THAT?"

BUT, SEE, NOW YOU CAN'TDO IT WITH THIS LADY,

'CAUSE SHE JUST HEARD ME.

YOUR NEXT GIRLFRIEND...

YOUR LADY'S ON THE BED.

SHE'S LIKE, "MM,WHERE YOU BEEN AT? COME ON."

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, SHIT."

'CAUSE NOWYOU AIN'T GOT NO DAMN LIFT.

THE BLOOD CAME TO WORK,

YOUR JOHNSON HARD AS A ROCK.

BUT IT'S AIMEDTO THE DAMN GROUND LIKE THAT.

LIKE THAT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MAN,WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?"

SHE'S LIKE,"COME ON, BABY,

WHAT YOU DOING?COME ON."

OH, SHIT.

NOW YOU GOTTA THINK, THINK,THINK, THINK, THINK.

YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE LOVETO YOUR LADY SOMEHOW.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?

HOW YOU GONNA--

YOU GOTTA TURNYOUR LADY UPSIDE DOWN.

YOU GOTTA POGO-STICK THAT ASS.

OH, THAT'S MY JAMRIGHT THERE.

THAT'S HOW I DOOZ IT!

YOU CAN HAVE A BABYTO THAT DAMN SONG, YOU HEAR ME?

PLAY IT AGAIN,PLAY IT AGAIN.

[hip-hop music]

OH, SHOOT!

WHAT?

BOY, YOU SEE THAT BLACK MANCOME OUT THAT WHITE LADY,

YOU SAW THAT?

WHAT HE DOING UP IN HER?

OH, YOU GET AMPED LIKE THAT,

YOU WANT TO SLAP THE SHITOUT OF SOMEBODY.

PLAY IT AGAIN, PLAY IT AGAIN.[hip-hop music plays]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR ASS?

WHOO!

PICK UP YOUR GLASSES,EVERYTHING.

I DON'T CARE HOW YOU GOT HERE.

BOY, THAT DAMN SONGCOME ON THE RADIO,

IT DON'T MATTERWHAT THE HELL YOU DRIVING.

YOU COULD BE RIDINGA DAMN STAGECOACH,

BEING CHASED BY THE POLICE.

YOU THINK YOUR ASSCAN GET AWAY.

PLAY IT AGAIN.

[hip hop music]

- ♪ THAT'S HOW I DOOZ IT,YO BABY, I'M GANGSTER SLICK ♪

♪ THAT'S HOW I DOOZ IT

♪ COMIN' WITH THATGANGSTER SLICK ♪

♪ THAT'S HOW I DOOZ IT,Y'ALL BETTER GRIP WITH THIS ♪

♪ THAT'S HOW I DOOZ IT

THAT'S YOUR LADY,PLAYBOY?

TAKE CARE OF YOUR LADY, MAN.

LADIES WANT TO FEEL PROTECTED.KNOW WHAT THEY LIKE?

WHEN YOU MAKE LOVE TO 'EMAND YOU PICK 'EM OFF THE GROUND.

[growls]

GIVE ME SOME LOVE UP IN HERE.

COME ON, PLAY--THAT'S YOUR SHIT?

THAT'S YOUR SHIT TOO, RIGHT?I CAN TELL.

YOU A BIG, STRONG-ASS DUDE.

WHEN YOU PICK A WOMAN UPIN THE AIR

AND MAKE LOVE TO HERLIKE THAT...

LADIES LOVE IT!THEY LOVE IT!

THEY FEEL PROTECTED,RIGHT, BIG MAN?

YOU STRONG AS HELL.

YOU GOT THAT ONE-HAND THING,RIGHT?

ONE HAND, TWO SEATS,RIGHT?

THEY LOVE IT.

THEY LIKE TO PUT THE ARM AROUNDYOUR NECK.

"OOH, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

OH, I FEEL SO PROTECTED.I FEEL SO SAFE."

YOU BE LIKE,"DAMN RIGHT. BAM."

GOTTA BE STRONG, THOUGH.YOU GOTTA BE STRONG.

GOTTA HAVE THATKIND OF STRENGTH.

SEE, I DON'T HAVETHAT KIND OF STRENGTH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

MY WIFE PICKED ME UP.

I'LL BE LIKE, "GODDAMN!

"OH, YOU TEARINGDADDY'S ASS UP!

OH! THIS IS CRAZY!"

YOUR LADY PICK YOU UP,RIGHT?

YOU A GROWN-ASS MAN.

YOUR DAMN LEGS IS WRAPPED AROUNDYOUR LADY'S WAIST.

WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THIS?

[moaning]

"OH, YOU'RE TEARING DADDY'S ASSUP, BABY!

HA-HA!"

YOU GOT A MIRROR, YOU CAN SEEYOURSELF IN THE MIRROR.

"LOOK AT MY STUPID ASSIN THE MIRROR.

I CAN'T LOOK AT MYSELFRIGHT NOW."

YOUR LADY DONE PUT YOUR DAMNLEGS OVER HER SHOULDERS.

WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THIS?

YOU A GROWN-ASS MAN.

"OH, SHIT.

"LOOK AT MY STUPID ASSIN THE MIRROR.

OLD LADY FUCKINGTHE SHIT OUT OF ME!"

[cheers and applause]

PEOPLE ASK ME,"HOW YOU GET IN THE POSITION

WHERE YOUR LADY PICKINGYOUR ASS UP?"

WE WERE ON OUR HONEYMOON.

WE WAS GOING TO HAWAII.

AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH!

WHOO-WHOO!"

SHE WAS LIKE, "WHAT'S UP?"I SAID, "WHAT'S UP, BABY?"

SAID, "I WANNAASK YOU SOMETHING."

I SAID, "WHAT'S UP,"YOU KNOW?

WHAT'S UP?YOU KNOW?

THAT'S HOW THE FUCK I DO TOO,IN FIRST CLASS.

RIGHT?

YOU IN FIRST CLASS, YOU DOWHAT THE FUCK YOU WANNA DO,

YOU HEAR ME?

THERE'S A SIGN THAT SAYS,"NO SMOKING," RIGHT?

PUT THE SEATBELT ON.

BUT THERE'S NO LITTLE "X"

THROUGH A CAPTAIN MORGANMOTHERFUCKER,

LIKE THIS.

SO I SAID,"WHAT'S UP, BABY?"

MY WIFE SAID,"UH, LOOK HERE.

WHEN WE GET TO HAWAII,I WANT TO GET FREAKY."

I SAID, "OKAY, WHAT'S UP, WHAT'SUP, WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP?"

"WHEN WE GET TO HAWAII,I WANT YOU TO MAKE LOVE TO ME

"AND PICK ME OFF THE GROUND.

PICK ME UPAND MAKE LOVE TO ME."

I SAID, "LOOK HERE, BABY.

"I'M STRONGFOR A MINUTE AT A TIME.

"AFTER THAT FIRST MINUTE,

YOUR LIFEIS IN YOUR OWN HANDS."

THAT FIRST MINUTE,YOU COULDN'T TELL ME SHIT.

HAD MY WIFE IN THE AIR,TEARING THAT ASS UP.

WHOO!

MWAH!

[laughs]

[strained grunting]

[laughter and applause]

[cheers and applause]

[laughter and applause]

NEW JEANS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I ALMOST CAME THAT TIME.

I GET SO EXCITED,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ALMOST CAME IN MY NEW PANTS,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I WAS GOING TO RETURN THESEPANTS TO THE STORE TOMORROW,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S HOW I DOOZ IT,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I WEAR THEM OUT,TAKE THEM BACK TO THE STORE,

AND RETURN THEM, MAN, RIGHT?

THEY GIVE YOU A HARD TIMEYOU TRY TO RETURN SOME JEANS

WITH COME INSIDE OF THEM,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ALL THESE DAMN QUESTIONS.

"UH, SIR, THERE'S WHITE STUFFINSIDE THESE PANTS."

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT THERE'S WHITESTUFF INSIDE MY DAMN PANTS.

I'M NOT GOINGTO WEAR THEM AGAIN.

FOLD THEM UP,PUT THEM BACK ON THE DAMN SHELF.

TOO MANY DAMN QUESTIONSRIGHT NOW.

BELIEVE ME.

I'M A BIG-TIME COMER,HEAR ME?

SHE PEEKED INSIDETHEM DAMN PANTS,

SAID, "GODDAMN!"

THEY CALL ME BIG-TIME COMER.

THAT'S HOW I COME,THAT'S HOW I COME, LIKE THAT,

THAT'S HOW I COME.

I COME SIDEWAYS,I DON'T GIVE A DAMN, SIDEWAYS.

I COME ON YOUR ANKLE, ALL OVERYOUR ANKLE, OVER YOUR ANKLE.

IT'S LIKE THAT SILLY STRING.COME OUT LIKE SILLY STRING.

YOU INVITE MY ASSTO YOUR PARTY,

BOY,I'LL JACK YOUR PARTY UP.

I'LL COME IN THAT DAMN PARTY--

I'LL COME ON YOUR FRIENDS.

THEY'LL BE LIKE,"OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD!

"HE'S A ASSHOLE.HE'S GONNA COME ON EVERYBODY!

"WHO INVITED THIS GUY?

"HE'S GONNA COMEON EVERYBODY'S FACE!

HE'S AN ASSHOLE!"

Certain things you gotta do, man,

to keep your relationship going.

Your lady got to knowhow to cook.

Her ass got to knowhow to cook.

I don't mean [bleep] around.

You know,I'm talking about real shit.

Shit that menlike to eat, right?

You ever eatensome fried chicken

that wasso [bleep] horrible, right?

That was so terrible.

You [bleep] up fried chicken,you ain't shit.

You ever tastesome damn chicken so horrible

that you wished the chickenwould show up at your house

and show your ladyhow to cook him?

"Get the [bleep] out the way.This is ridiculous.

I'm gonna show youhow to cook a piece of chicken."

He got to tie his own leg off.

Now pick that chicken leg up.

Pick it up!

Wash it off.Wash it off.

Go in that damn cabinet.

Get the seasoning salt,the paprika,

the salt, the pepper,some flour, and a paper bag.

And hurry up.

This don't makeno Goddamn sense.

I got to show your asshow to cook me?

Put the Goddamn frying panon the Goddamn stove.

Pour some Goddamn grease in it--375, let it heat up.

This don't makeno [bleep] sense.

Wash that chicken off good...

'cause I could kill your asswith salmonella.

I'm getting so weak.

Now put that chickenin the Goddamn pan.

Let it cook 15 minuteson one side,

then turn iton the other side,

15 more minutes.

Oh, shit.I'm blacking out.

I'm getting real weak here.

Oh, God.

[panting]

Let it brown real goodon both sides.

[panting]

When that chicken get done,you come up here,

and you snap my neck.

And you rotisseriethe rest of me.

Now, don't [bleep] this up now.

475 in the oven, covered upwith aluminum foil.

[laughing]

[cheers and applause]

BECAUSE YOUR ARMALL JACKED UP, RIGHT?

YOU GOING TO INTERVIEWSEVERYWHERE.

HEY, I WANT--CAN I GET A JOB?

ALL THE DOORSSLAM IN YOUR FACE

'CAUSE YOUR DAMN ARMALL FUCKED UP.

OR YOU GOTTA GET A JOBDOING CHILDREN'S PARTIES,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

DOING SHADOW PUPPET SHOWSAND SHIT.

YOUR ASS DOING SHIT--

ALL RIGHT, KIDS.

OH, MY GOD.

DID I TELL YOU KIDSWHAT HAPPENED TO MY ARM?

THE POLICE MESSED UPMR. JOHNSON'S LIGAMENT, KIDS.

SO I GOT A SWAN,I GOT A RABBIT,

AND A PAIR OF SCISSORS.

SO THE SWAN AND THE RABBITWENT TO STAPLES

TO STEAL A PAIR OF SCISSORS.

AND THE RABBIT WAS LIKE,"COME ON, MAN.

"WE DON'T GOT TO STEALNO DAMN SCISSORS.

"IT AIN'T LIKE WE AIN'T GOTNO DAMN MONEY, MAN.

"WE GOT MONEY.

WE CAN BUY OUR OWN PAIROF SCISSORS."

AND THE SWAN WAS LIKE,"FUCK THAT SHIT!

"I'M NOT PAYINGFOR NO DAMN SCISSORS.

I'MA KEEP IT REALUP IN HERE!"

"COME ON, MAN,NOT TODAY, MAN.

"THIS AIN'T EVEN COOL,MAN.

YOU GOT MONEYIN YOUR POCKET."

"I GOT MONEY!MY MONEY IN MY POCKET!

"LIKE I SAID, YOU CAN BEA BITCH IF YOU WANT TO,

"BUT I'M NOT PAYINGFOR NO MOTHERFUCKING SCISSORS."

[laughs]THIS IS--

THIS IS THE SWANGETTING ARRESTED.

AH, AH, AH!

TOOK HIS ASS TO JAIL.

THEY PUT HIS ASSIN FUCKING JAIL.

THAT'S HOW HE LOOK IN JAIL.

"LET ME OUT OF HERE!

"YO, WHAT YOU DOING?STOP, STOP.

STOP, STOP!"

RIGHT, ISN'T THAT--

THERE AIN'T NOTHING BETTERTHAN BEING THAT POWERFUL, RIGHT?

YOU A POWERFUL-ASS DUDE,RIGHT?

RIGHT? YOU'LL [bleep]SOMEBODY ASS UP, WON'T YOU?

TELL THE TRUTH.

YOU'LL BEATSOMEBODY'S ASS, RIGHT?

TELL THE TRUTH,YOU'LL BEAT SOMEBODY ASS.

HEY, NO, NO, NO,YOU'LL BEAT SOMEBODY ASS.

NO, I'M NOT ASKING YOU,I'M TELLING YOU.

YOU'LL BEAT SOMEBODY ASS.

YOU'LL BEAT SOMEBODY ASS.

"WELL, YOU KNOW,I [bleep] SOME PEOPLE UP, YEAH."

EVERY BIG MAN NEEDSA LITTLE MAN TO HANG OUT WITH.

GET YOURSELF A LITTLE DUDE.

LITTLE DUDES LOVE HANGING AROUNDWITH BIG-ASS DUDES, RIGHT?

IT DOESN'T MATTERWHAT BIG MAN DOING,

LITTLE DUDE BE RIGHT THERE,RIGHT?

BIG MAN PICKING MONEY UP.

"YOU WILL GETMY GODDAMN MONEY.

I WANT MY MONEY TOMORROW."

AND LITTLE DUDE BE LIKE,"YEAH, GET HIS GODDAMN MONEY.

OR YOU'RE GONNA GET[bleep]ED UP."

BIG MAN COULD BETAPPING SOME ASS, RIGHT?

TEARING THAT ASS UP,POW, POW, POW, POW, POW, POW.

LITTLE MAN BE,"YEAH! TEAR THAT ASS UP!

"MY MAN [bleep]ING THE SHITOUT YOUR ASS.

"TEAR THAT ASS UP.

"LET ME GETA PIECE OF THAT ASS,

"LET ME GETA PIECE OF THIS ASS.

"LET ME GET A PIECE OF THIS.

"SHE UP HERELAUGHING AT ME.

"I CAN'T [bleep] HER,I CAN'T [bleep] HER.

"YOU [bleep] HER,I CAN'T [bleep] HER ASS.

TEAR THAT ASS UP!"

ANYBODY HERE DRINK?YEAH.

GOT TO BE CAREFULWHAT YOU DRINKING, MAN.

GOTTA MAKE YOUR OWN DRINKS UP.

ALL I DRINK IS, LIKE, RUM ANDENERGY DRINKS MIXED TOGETHER.

'CAUSE RUM'LL TEAR YOUR ASS UP,RIGHT?

RUM'LL TEAR YOUR--RUM'LL GETYOU SO DAMN DRUNK, RIGHT?

PUT YOUR ENERGY DRINKIN THERE,

AND YOU'LL BE TOO--SO DRUNK.

BUT THE ENERGY DRINKGIVES YOU ENERGY,

SO YOU'RE DRUNK,BUT YOUR ASS CAN'T FALL.

YOU GET THAT SEGWAY BALANCE,THAT SEGWAY BALANCE.

LIKE THIS RIGHT HERE.

[laughter]

- THE WORLD REVOLVES...

AROUND THE MAN'S JOHNSON.

IT DOES.

WHETHER YOU BELIEVE ITOR NOT, LADIES.

LOOK, YOU GUYS THINK THAT--WOMEN THINK THEY RUN THE WORLD.

RIGHT, LIKE A MAN'SGOT TO HAVE THAT STUFF, RIGHT?

AND WE DO GOTTA HAVE IT.

BUT EVERYBODY AVOIDSTHE JOHNSON.

YOU NOTICE THAT?

ON TV SHOWS, MOVIES,YOU CAN CATCH A TITTY ANYWHERE.

CAN'T CATCH NO JOHNSON NOWHERE.

PEOPLE AFRAIDOF THE JOHNSON, RIGHT?

THEY CUT THE JOHNSONOUT OF EVERYTHING, RIGHT?

THE JOHNSON NEVER THERE.

EVEN WHEN A JOHNSONSUPPOSED TO BE THERE,

A JOHNSON AIN'T THERE.

OTHER DAY I'M HOME,WATCHING TV, RIGHT? RIGHT?

AND I CAUGHT KING KONG ON TV.

THAT'S A BIG-ASS GORILLA.

BIG-ASS GORILLA.

THIS GORILLA'S HUGE.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER CLIMBEDTHE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

RIGHT?

WATCHED THE WHOLEGODDAMN MOVIE.

NO FUCKING JOHNSON.

YOU KIDDING ME?

THIS AIN'TNO LITTLE FUCKING ORANGUTAN.

THIS A FUCKING MONSTER,A FUCKING MONSTER OF A GORILLA.

I PAUSED THAT MOVIEA THOUSAND TIMES.

HE HAD HIS LEGS OPENSEVERAL TIMES.

NO, NOTHING, ZERO!

NO JOHNSON AT ALLIN THE MOVIE.

HE AIN'T GOTNO FUCKING PANTS ON.

YOU FUCK AROUNDAND PUT THAT JOHNSON

IN THAT GODDAMN MOVIE,

DON'T BE ALARMED,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THESE CHAINS AREMADE OF IRON.

- [roaring]

[sirens blare]

[dramatic music]

[sirens continue]

[woman screams]

[gunfire]

[roaring]

[cheers and applause]

AND THAT IS HOW I DOOZ IT.

[hip hop music]

I PLAYED MY FIRST VILLAIN.

I ACTED THIS MOVIE,I PLAYED A VILLAIN.

SOMETHING COOL ABOUTBEING A EVIL ASS.

WISH I COULD DO THINGS AT WILL,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, DO THINGS AT WILL,LIKE...

YOU KNOW WHATI WISH I COULD DO?

I WISH I COULD JUST, LIKE,PILE DRIVE SOMEBODY

ANY TIME I WANTED TO,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH, I GAVE YOU--I GAVE YOU A FIVE.

YOU GAVE ME CHANGEFOR A ONE.

YEAH, LOOK IN THAT--IN THAT PILE OF ONES.

YOU'LL SEE A FIVE,YOU KNOW?

NO, NO, NO,LOOK, IT'S--NO.

COME ON, DOG.

COME ON, MAN.

CHECK THE PILE OF ONESAND GIVE MY CHANGE BACK.

OKAY.

[laughs]

AH, MAN,YOU A DAMN FOOL, MAN.

YOU DON'T GIVEMY GODDAMN CHANGE BACK,

WHOO!

YOU GOT ME TRIPPINGUP IN HERE!

[yells]

WHAT'S UP, GRANDMA,WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'S UP, GRANDMA?

LOVE YOU, BABY.

HUH?WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT, GRANDMA?

WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?COME ON, COME ON, GRANDMA.

I'M SHOWING YOU SOME LOVE,GRANDMA.

GIVE ME SOME LOVE, GRANDMA,STOP PLAYING.

YOU JUST GOTOUT OF THE HOSPITAL,

YOU SHOULD BE FEELING--YOU KNOW, WHAT'S UP?

I CAME TO SEE YOU A FEW TIMES.WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER MECOMING TO SEE YOU?

NO, COME ON, GRANDMA.I AIN'T GO IN YOUR PURSE.

COME ON, GRANDMA.

[scoffs]

COME ON, GRANDMA,YOU TRIPPING UP IN HERE NOW.

COME ON.

I'M YOUR GRANDSON.

WHY AM I GO INYOUR GODDAMN PURSE FOR, GRANDMA?

COME ON, BABY.COME ON, GRANDMA.

COME--GRANDMA.

[laughs]

ALL I BUY ARE THINGSI KNOW SHE LOVES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ALL I BUY IS, LIKE,HIGH HEEL STILETTOS.

THAT'S THE SEXIEST SHITIN THE FUCKING WORLD.

RIGHT?

WHEN A LADY KNOWS HOW TO WORKTHEM DAMN HIGH HEELED SHOES,

THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS HOW MY WIFEWALKS AROUND THE HOUSE.

I CAUGHT HER SLINKINGAROUND THE DAMN HOUSE,

SHE WAS SLINKINGLIKE THIS.

THAT'S CALLED SLINKING AROUNDTHE DAMN HO--LOOK AT THIS SHIT.

I'M A GROWN-ASS MAN,AND I FEEL SEXY RIGHT NOW.

LOOK AT THIS.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT NOTHING.I DON'T CARE ABOUT NOTHING ELSE.

LINGERIE.NONE OF THAT STUFF.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMNWHAT MY WIFE GOT ON.

PUT THEM GODDAMN SHOES ON.

MY WIFE CAN HAVE ONSHOULDER PADS AND A BABY DIAPER,

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

PUT THEM DAMN SHOES ON.

SHE CAN HAVE ON A WHOLE--A BEEKEEPER OUTFIT,

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

[imitating bees buzzing]

I'M LIKE, LOOK AT THAT LADY,

WORKING THEM GODDAMN SHOES.LOOK AT HER WORK THEM SHOES.

[buzzing]

OOH, THAT'S SEXY![imitates buzzing]

I DON'T KNOW A MAN IN HERE

WHO'S TURNED ON BY A LADYWALKING AROUND

WITH HER LAZY ASSIN SOME DAMN FLIP-FLOPS.

THAT'S THE LAZIEST SHIT.

YOU COME HOMEFROM A HARD-ASS DAY AT WORK,

YOU WORKED YOUR ASS OFF.

YOU WALK IN THE DAMN HOUSE,SHE WALK UP TO YOU,

"HEY, BABY, WHAT'S UP?"

WITH THAT STUPID-ASSFLIP-FLOP FACE.

YOU KNOW THAT FLIP-FLOP FACE?

SHE LIKE...

I BUST MY ASS ALL DAYFOR THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE?

THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCKABOUT YOUR ASS.

COPS DO NOT LIKECHASING YOUR ASS.

THEY GET MADWHEN THEY GOT TO CHASE YOUR ASS.

RIGHT?THEY DON'T MIND THE CAR.

THEY DON'T MIND RIDINGA SLOW-SPEED CAR CHASE

OR A HIGH-SPEED CAR CHASE.

THE CAR MIGHT RUNOUT OF GAS,

OR THE SPIKE STRIP'S GONNA BUSTTHE TIRES OR SOMETHING, RIGHT?

BUT WHEN YOU HOP OUTTHAT DAMN CAR...

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING--

A COP GET MADDERTHAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

THEY BE LIKE THIS."GODDAMN."

[hisses]

"HE DONE HOPPED OUTTHE GODDAMN CAR."

COPS GET PISSED OFF.

YOU KNOW WHY?'CAUSE COPS GOT A TON

OF BULLSHIT ON THEIR BELT.

THIS SHIT HEAVY.

THIS SHIT HEAVY AS HELL.

IT'S A WHOLE LOT OF SHITON THAT DAMN BELT.

THAT'S LIKE YOUR ASSWORK IN THE OFFICE, RIGHT?

YOU AN ACCOUNTANTOR YOU WORK IN AN OFFICE,

AND YOUR ASS WALKING AROUNDTHE DAMN OFFICE

WITH A GODDAMN PRINTERON YOUR FUCKING BELT.

GODDAMN PAPERAND STAPLERS AND SHIT.

THE GO--GODDAMN MONITOR, HUGE SHIT.

GODDAMN SCANNER.ALL YOUR SHIT IS ON YOUR BELT.

YOU WALK AROUND ALL DAYWITH THAT,

ALL DAY WITH THAT SHITON YOUR BELT.

YOUR PANTS ALL LOW,YOUR PANTS ALL LOW.

'CAUSE ALL THAT SHITHEAVY AS HELL.

YOU'RE LIKE,"OH SHIT,

I'M WEARING LOW-RIDERSRIGHT NOW."

[laughs]

GOT ALL THAT SHIT.

YOU AT STARBUCKS OR SOMEWHERE,YOU IN A COFFEE SHOP,

TRYING TO GETSOME GODDAMN LUNCH,

ALL THAT SHIT ON YOUR BELT.

JUST IN CASESOME BUSINESS HAPPENS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M GLAD I GOTTHIS GODDAMN SCANNER WITH ME.

[mimics scanning]

THANK GOD I BROUGHTTHIS DAMN PRINTER.

YOU LOOK AT A COP, RIGHT?

YOU EVER LOOKAT A COP REAL GOOD?

LOOK AT A COP FROM HEAD TO TOE.LOOK AT THIS, GODDAMN.

LOOK AT ALL THAT STUPID SHIT.

THEY GOT TONS OF DUMB SHITON THAT BELT.

TONS OF DUMBASS SHIT.RIGHT?

THEY GOT--THE GODDAMN GUN,THEY GOT A GODDAMN TASER,

FUCKING MACE,GODDAMN TICKET BOOK,

FUCKING WHISTLES,GODDA--

GODDAMN WALKIE-TALKIEON THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

FUCKING LIE DETECTOR,DNA TESTER.

BREATHALYZER,GOT A FUCKING BREATHALYZER.

GODDAMN COFFEE MAKERON THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

THAT'S A WHOLE LOTOF BULLSHIT.

WHEN YOU HOP OUT THATGODDAMN CAR AND START RUNNING,

THE FIRST THING A COPIS THINKING IS, "GODDAMN.

"HE GONNA MAKE MECHASE HIS ASS

WITH ALL THIS BULLSHITON THIS BELT!"

[screams]"GOD!"

[thumping]

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