Drunk History
Season 1

Boston

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 07/30/2013

Mary Dyer wars with the Puritans, and Johnny Cool sets New England ablaze. Featuring Winona Ryder, Michael Cera and Nick Offerman.

TO MASSACHUSETTS AND SAYS,

I'M GONNA DEAL WITH THESE LAWSTO THEIR BLOODY FACE.

OR I'M GONNA BLOODY DEALWITH THESE LAWS

IN THE FACE.

IN OTHER WORDS,

I'M CONFRONTING THIS [bleep]

HEAD-[bleep]-ON.

HONESTLY,LAYING ON THE FLOOR LIKE THIS

IS ONE OF THE BEST TIMESI'VE HAD IN A LONG TIME.

- [laughing]

- SO MARY--SHE'S VISITINGQUAKERS IN PRISON.

THEY WERE LIKE,THANK YOU, MARY, FOR COMING,

'CAUSE WE GET THAT YOU GETWHAT WE'RE GOING THROUGH.

SHE'S LIKE, TOTALLY.

SO THE COMMONWEALTHOF MASSACHUSETTS

WAS LIKE,STOP VISITING PRISONERS.

STOP ACTING LIKEIT'S OKAY.

WE GOTTA [bleep] KILL YOU.

SO HE WALKED HERTO THE GALLOWS

ON BOSTON COMMONIN 1660.

AND THEY PUT THE NOOSEAROUND HER NECK.

SO SHE HAD THE ROPEAROUND HER NECK,

LIKE, ABOUT TO DIE.

SHE SAID,NO EAR CAN HEAR,

NO TONGUE CAN TASTE,

NO HEART CAN UNDERSTAND...

THE JOY--

SOMETHING LIKE, THE JOY--

[bleep].I DON'T [bleep] KNOW.

THE JOY AND THE TREASURESOF THE BLESSINGS

AND THE REFRESHMENTS.

I DON'T GET WHAT THAT IS.

BUT THE REFRESHMENTS OF GOD

THAT I HAVE,STARTING RIGHT THIS [bleep] NOW.

[triumphant music]

EVERYONE'S WATCHING.THEY'RE LIKE,

OH, MY GOD.WE'RE ON THE BOSTON COMMON.

WE'RE ON--WATCHING SOMEONE DIE.

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEMFOR BEING A SICK [bleep].

AND THEN KING CHARLESWAS LIKE,

EXCUSE ME, WHAT THE [bleep]IS EVERYONE DOING

OVER AT MASSACHUSETTS?

I DIDN'T SAY THIS [bleep]SHOULD GET SO CRAZY.

DON'T KILL PEOPLE.

THAT MAKES YOU LOOK MORELIKE A PUSSY,

IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW,BY THE WAY, DUDES.

BUT SHE CHANGED THE WORLD.

BUT YOU'LL NEVER HEAR ABOUT ITANYWHERE BUT HERE.

- WELL, NOW--

- [crying]SHE'S IN AN UNMARKED GRAVE

ON THE BOSTON COMMON.

AND YOU KNOW WHOSE GRAVEIS MARKED?

[bleep] JIM MORRISON.

PEOPLE FLY TO EUROPETO SEE IT.

AND HE WROTE HORRIBLE MUSIC.

[patriotic music]

AND HE SAID,MR. BA-BA-BA-BA,

THERE'S A WARRANT OUTFOR YOUR ARREST.

YOU'RE UNDER ARRESTFOR THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

AND HE WAS, LIKE, SO [bleep]

THAT HE WAS LIKE,OKAY, LIKE...

SOMETHING'S HAPPENING.

SO I GOTTA, LIKE, KINDA SAY,HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

SO HE MOVED.

AND AS SOON AS HE MOVED,THEY--

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM--TACKLED HIM.

WHAT WAS SO CRAZY WAS--

OKAY, SO THEY, LIKE, CALLEDTHE OTHER GUY ON SECURITY.

HE--THEY HAD HIMCALL ON SECURITY AND SAY,

YOU--YOU NEED TO COME DOWN HERE.SOMETHING'S HAPPENING, LIKE--

[ominous music]

SO THEY TAPED HIM UP,BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

DUCT TAPED THEIR MOUTHS.

THEY REALIZED THAT ISABELWAS SO SMART IN HER TIME

THAT SHE, LIKE,LITERALLY, LIKE,

SECURED THE ARTTO THE WALL.

THEY PANICKED!THEY PANICKED! THEY PANICKED!

OH, [bleep].WE GOTTA GET OUTTA THERE.

SO WHAT WASEVEN CRAZIER WAS,

THEY TOOK A KNIFEAND JUST WENT LIKE,

[bleep] YOU!

LIKE, BOOM, BOOM,BOOM, BOOM!

CRAZY, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, THEY WERE JUST LIKE,[bleep] IT.

THEY WERE LIKE IDIOTS.

THEY CUT IT OUT!

AND WERE LIKE,OH, LET'S ROLL IT OUT

AND SELL IT ON, LIKE,CANAL STREET IN NEW YORK.

- LIKE, THEY TOOK OUTRAZOR BLADES?

- YEAH, SO [bleep], LIKE--

- CUT THE ART OFF.

- LIKE...THUG, LIKE, NATION.

SO THESE GUYS GO THROUGH.

THEY STEAL, LIKE, HUNDREDSAND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS

WORTH OF ART.

SO THIS FBI GUY CAME IN,

AND PEOPLE REPORTED THESE GUYSWERE, LIKE, AROUND 35 YEARS OLD,

LIKE, 5', LIKE, 10".

LIKE, THESE POLICEMENTHAT GOT IN THIS CAR--

IT'S INSANE,LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, IT'S CRAZY.

AND HE'S LIKE,I'VE SEEN REMBRANDTS APPEAR

AT THESE CHINESE RESTAURANTSIN THE BATHROOM BEFORE.

OR, I'VE BEEN IN PARIS,

WHERE I'VE BEENIN THIS UNDERGROUND TUNNEL,

AND THERE'S BEENA PICTURE OF MONET.

HE WENT BY "JOHNNY COOL."

BUT THE THING IS

THEY CALLED MY DADAND HIS PARTNER GEORGIE

THE GOLD DUST TWINS.

MY PRONUNCIATION'S--

I'M SORRY,MY PRONUNCIATION'S BAD.

- THAT'S FINE.- YOU CAN UNDERSTAND ME?

- I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU.- YOU CAN UNDERSTAND?

- YEAH.

- GEORGIE WAS LIKE,I GOT THIS JOB.

WE SHOULD GO DO IT.

WHAT DO YOU NEED METO BURN DOWN?

ONE OF THE BIGGESTHOTEL CONSTRUCTIONS

IN NEW ENGLAND.

THIS IS PERFECT.

SO THEY GO TO THE HOTEL.

THEY MEET UP WITH THE GUY.

THE GUY WHO HIRED HIM SAYS,

I NEED YOU TO BURN THIS PLACETO THE [bleep] GROUND.

I OWE A LOT OF MONEY ON IT.

I PUT TOO MUCH MONEYINTO THE ROOMS.

I PUT TOO MUCH MONEYINTO THE CARPETS.

I PUT TOO MUCH MONEYINTO THE KITCHENS.

I PUT TOO MUCH MONEYINTO THE--

INTO THE DRAPES!

AND MY DAD SAYS, NO PROBLEM.I'M THE BEST.

THAT'S WHY YOU [bleep]HAD ME COME.

[rock music]

SO--SO MY DAD BURNT THAT...

HOTEL DOWN.

AND WHAT WAS CRAZYABOUT MY DAD WAS,

WHILE THE PLACE WAS BURNING,HE WOULD STICK AROUND

AND WATCH IT BURN DOWNWITH THE FIRE DEPARTMENT

AND EVERYBODY ELSE,

AND GO, WOW!THAT'S A FIRE, HUH?

AND PEOPLE WOULD GO,YEAH, THAT'S A [bleep]...

CRAZY-LOOKIN' FIRE.

AND HE'D GO, WHOO!

[bleep] THING IS--LOOKS HOT.

UM--[drink spills]

[laughing]

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?OH!

[laughs hysterically]

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