Karl's Wedding

  • 11/08/2011

You're cordially invited to the wedding of Karl Hevacheck.

- WELL, DERS, I WISH YOUWOULD'VE BROUGHT IT UP EARLIER

BECAUSE IT'S IN,LIKE, FIVE HOURS,

AND WE SENT A "SAVE THE DATES"OUT YESTERDAY.

DID YOU NOT GET IT?

- NO, YOU GOT IT.I SLIPPED ONE UNDER YOUR DOOR.

EXCEPT THAT I DIDN'T DO THAT,

BECAUSE I FORGOT TO DO THAT,

BECAUSE I WAS EATINGFROOT LOOPS.

DANG IT.- OUR BAD.

- COME ON, DERS,HANNAH'S AMAZING.

I'M CHANGING FOR HER.

- YEP, UH, HE'SDEFINITELY CHANGING.

HE SOLD THE RAPE VAN,AND HE QUIT SELLING WEED,

WHICH IS...- YEAH, HOW STUPID.

...A LIFE DECISION.- YEAH, THAT'S DUMB.

- YEAH, AND I GOT GLASSESTO FIX THE WONKY EYE.

CAN YOU PUT 'EM ON ME?- YEP, MM-HMM.

- NICE.- CHECK THAT OUT.

- CHECK IT OUT.WONK GONE.

- COME ON.WEDDINGS.

- NO, UH, THEY'RE GONNA GO,AND WE'RE GONNA--

- NO, WE'VE GOT TO HELP.

- HOW CAN WE HELP YOU GUYS?

- ARE YOU SURE YOURNEIGHBORS WON'T MIND?

- OH, NO. WE STEAL STUFFFROM 'EM ALL THE TIME.

BIKES, LEMONS, INTERNET.YEAH.

- GARDEN WEASELWEASELING OVER. WHOA.

- CAREFUL.

- AH!ONE DOWN, ONE DOWN.

I THINK IT'S REALLY COOLYOU AND DERS HAD A PACT

THAT IF YOU'RE EVER SINGLE,YOU GUYS WOULD BONE EACH OTHER.

- DID--DID YOU TELL THEM?

- NO, I NEVER USEDTHE WORD "BONE."

- HE SAID, "BONE."

- ANYWAY, WE'RE GONNA BEOVER HERE, GUYS.

- YOU KNOW, I USED TO HAVEA MARRIAGE PACT.

- THAT'S COOL.- IT'S TRUE.

I WAS 16, SHE WAS 11.

SHE ACTED REALLY OLD, THOUGH.SHE ACTED LIKE...

13 AT LEAST.- THAT'S OLD.

- I WAS GONNA WAIT FOR HER,

BUT THEN GIRLS IN MY GRADESTARTED TO DEVELOP,

SO I SORT OF WENT THAT WAY.

I WONDER HOW OLD SHE IS NOW.- BOOBS RULE.

MY MOM PAID YOU TO HELP MEWITH MY MATH.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I'M A RICH DUDE NOW,

AND I CAMETO PROCLAIM MY LOVE.

SO LOOK AT THE TOP HAT,

AND ALSO THE $70 DRESSTHAT I GOT YOU,

$22 IN FLOWERS,$66 IN JELLY BEANS.

IS THAT BUTTERED POPCORN?[sniffs]

YEAH, IT IS. YOUR FAVORITE.AND I REMEMBER THAT.

AND THAT'S NOT SCARYTHAT I REMEMBERED IT AT ALL.

- WHAT IS THIS FOR?

- WE WERE ALREADYSUPPOSED TO BE TONGUE-DEEP

IN EACH OTHER BY NOW,SO THIS IS AWKWARD.

YOU FORGOT ABOUTOUR MARRIAGE PACT, DIDN'T YOU?

YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU SAIDTHAT WHEN YOU WERE 18,

THAT WE WOULD GET MARRIEDUNDER THE MOONLIT SKY,

AND I WOULD BUY YOUAPPLE PUCKER,

AND WE WOULD BOTH DRINK ITINTO THE NIGHT.

BUT I'M NOT READYFOR THAT RIGHT NOW,

SO PUT IT BACKIN YOUR PANTS, OKAY?

I'M JUST LOOKING FOR A DATETO MY DRUG DEALER'S WEDDING,

AND QUITE FRANKLY,YOU DEVELOPED INTO--

JUST A REAL SEXY BROAD.

THOSE--THOSE ARE SOMEREAL CLASSY DOGS UP TOP.

THEY'RE BARKING AT ME.- I'M MELISSA'S FATHER.

CAN I HELP YOU?

THERE'S STILL A LOTMORE FLOWERS TO DO,

AND I KNOW THEY NEEDMORE CHAIRS OUTSIDE.

- WELL, THEY DON'T.IT'LL BE FINE.

I WANT TO GIVE YOUTHE REST OF THAT TOUR.

- OKAY.

- WHA--WHY DOES THISKEEP HAPPENING TO ME?

- GET OUT!

- GET OUT?YOU GET OUT!

THIS IS MY ROOMIN MY HOUSE.

THAT'S MY HAIRDRYER,IT'S NOT EVEN FOR WOMEN.

- NO, I NEED THAT.- STOP IT.

[all gasp]

- OH!- OKAY.

- YOU JUST RUINEDTHE BRIDE'S DRESS.

- THE SEQUINSRUINED THE DRESS.

I JUST SPILLED WINE ON IT,

AND I'M NOT FEELINGBAD ABOUT IT AT ALL.

- YOU HAVE SOME REAL PROBLEMS.

- YEAH, I HAVE SOME PROBLEMS.

ONE, TWO, THREE PROBLEMS.

I GOT 40 PROBLEMSIN THE FRONT YARD,

10 IN THE BACK YARD.

THESE ARE PEOPLERUNNING AROUND MY HOUSE

WHEN I'M JUST TRYINGTO BUCK MY SOUL MATE.

BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAYI FEEL ABOUT YOU.

IT'S BEEN SO LONGAND I FEEL LIKE

WE GOT THISCONNECTION GOING.

BUT WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING BECAUSETHEY'RE HAVING THIS WEDDING!

LOOK, I'M SORRY.LET ME BE HONEST.

I JUST HAVEN'T BUCKED IN,LIKE, A YEAR AND A HALF,

AND I'M TRYING TO BUCK.

YOUR BUTT CHEEKSARE DRIVING ME INSANE.

LET ME BUCK YOU.

- I DON'T DO BUCKING.

- HOW'S IT GOING?

BEVERAGES IN THE BACK,HELP YOURSELF.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I DO NOT KNOW WHO THEY ARE.WHERE ARE ALL YOUR FRIENDS?

THESE ARE, LIKE,REAL SHOWERED HUMANS.

- NO, THEY'RE ALL HANNAH'SFRIENDS FROM THE CREDIT UNION.

THEY HAD SUITS,SO I INVITED THEM, DUDE.

I'M TRYING TO CLASS IT UP.

I COULDN'T HAVE HANNAHMEETING ALL MY SCUMBAG FRIENDS.

EXCEPT FOR SEWER DWAYNE,HE'S HERE.

HE'S RUNNING AROUND WITH, UH,NO SHIRT, OVERALLS.

- NICE.- YOU SEEN HIM?

- YEAH, I KNOW SEWER DWAYNE.

GOOD, GOOD, GOOD,GOOD, GOOD GUY.

HEY, DERS.WE GOT ANY MORE CHAIRS?

I NEED SOME MORE CHAIRS.

- CHECK THE SOUTH SIDEOF THE HOUSE!

- NEVER EAT SHREDDED...

- WHEAT.- THERE WE GO.

[chuckles]SEWER DWAYNE, YOU DOG.

- YOU DON'T HAVE 40s.

I--YOU KNOW, I'LL CALLTHE COPS ON YOU.

YOU THREATENING ME?

I'LL CALL THE--I'LL CALL THE COPS ON YOU.

- SPARE SOME CHANGE?

- HOW 'BOUT YOU SPARE MEYOUR BAD ATTITUDE, OKAY?

I'M SICK OF GIRLS

THINKING THEY CAN TAKEAND TAKE AND TAKE FROM ME,

'CAUSE I'M DONE GIVING.

A LITTLE SLUG FOR YOU,A LITTLE SLUG FOR ME.

A LITTLE--WHAT?OH, YOU'RE IGNORING ME NOW?

OH, 'CAUSE YOU GUYSARE [bleep].

- DO YOU NEED A HAND?

- NO, I'M GOOD.THANK YOU.

- LET ME HELP.

I FEEL BAD FOR TRYINGTO MOOCH.

- O-OKAY.OKAY.

WOW, YOU'RE BEINGVERY PLEASANT.

MOST HUMAN GIRLSARE VERY MEAN TO ME.

- NO.- LIKE, I'M MORE OF A--

I'M KIND OF AN ANIMAL GUY.WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OW, STOP IT!- SUCK IT, BITCH!

- GIVE ME BACKMY MALT LIQUOR!

- [laughs]- YOU GET BACK HERE!

- [laughs]

- GIVE IT!

GIVE IT TO ME! YOU THIEF!- NO! NO! NO! NO!

[both screaming]

- HEY.- HI.

- ARE YOU A SIZE FOUR?

- BLAKE, I'M GETTINGREAL NERVOUS, MAN.

HANNAH'S NOT HERE YET.

I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A COW, DUDE.

- OH, KARL, COME ON.YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE, HUH?

SHE'S THE ONE, RIGHT?

- SHE IS. SHE'S THE ONE.- HEY, BABY.

- HEY!THERE'S MY BABY DOLL.

BLAKE, I'D LOVE FOR YOUTO MEET HANNAH.

- HI.

- I DO, I DO. I KNOW.THAT WAS AWESOME.

[music stops]

DERS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M JUST, UH, LOOKINGFOR THE HOLE IN THE CEILING,

BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SUREYOU FELL FROM HEAVEN.

HI, I'M ANDERS.

- OH, WOW, I LIKE HIM.

- MOMMY, THIS IS DERS,AND DERS IS EVIL,

AND HE NEEDS TO LEAVE.

- KARL, I'M NOT EVIL.

WELL, MAYBE I AM.I DON'T KNOW.

BUT SERIOUSLY, I JUST WANTEDTO SHOW YOU GUYS A FEW STEPS,

A FEW MOVES THAT I KNOW,THAT COULD, YOU KNOW,

HELP YOU OUT TONIGHTON THE DANCE FLOOR.

- REALLY?- MOMMY, NO.

- FIRST THING'S FIRST,LET'S, UH, SWITCH THIS BEAT UP.

[R&B music playing]NOW WE'RE TALKING.

YOU BRING THE RHYTHM,I'LL BRING THE BLUES.

- OOH.BLACK MUSIC.

- YES.

YOU KNOW,WHEN I'M DANCING,

I LIKE TO SEE HOW CLOSEI CAN GET WITHOUT KISSING.

I FIND IT VERY EROTIC.

BUT SOMETIMES, YOU GOT TOSAVE THAT...FOR LATER.

OKAY?

SO, UH, KARL,THE BOWTIE, COME ON.

[whispered] I CAN DOANYTHING I WANT WITH HER.

OKAY?HEY, GREAT MEETING YOU.

I'LL SEE YOU OUT THERE?- LOVELY MEETING YOU.

- WELL, IT'S, UH,GO TIME...

UNLESS, UH, WE'RE THINKINGMAYBE WE DON'T WANT A GO TIME.

WELCOME, EVERYONE,TO THE MARRIAGE

OF KARL CARLOS HEVACHECK,

AND...HANNAH.

WELL, LET'S JUST GET RIGHT OFFT-T-TO THE IMPORTANT STUFF.

DOES ANYBODY HERE HAVEAN OBJECTION?

DOES ANYBODY OBJECTTO THE MARRIAGE?

SPEAK NOW,FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE.

ANY OBJECTIONS?

OH! HA-HA!I KNEW IT.

YES, SIR, WHAT'SYOUR OBJECT--

NO?WELL, YOU MOVED A LITTLE.

- I THINK WE'RE GOOD, BRO.- OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

LAST CALL, ANY OBJECTIONS?

YES, I HAVE AN OBJECTION.YEP, THAT'S RIGHT.

I HAVE AN OBJECTIONBECAUSE I SAW THIS GIRL

BASICALLY JUST GETTINGTHE BUTTER

SUCKED OUT OF HER BOOBSBY SEWER DWAYNE.

THAT'S RIGHT.KARL, I'M SORRY.

I HAD TO TELL YOU THIS

BECAUSE I'M JUST A REALLYGOOD FRIEND OF YOURS,

AND YOU'RE CHANGINGFOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS.

- OKAY, WHATEVER.

I WAS JUST TRYINGTO PISS MY PARENTS OFF

BY MARRYING WATER TRASH.

AND THEN YOU STARTEDDRESSING ALL WEIRD AND--

- WE WERE GONNA HAVEA HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS,

WE WERE GONNA HAVE BABIES,

AND THEN THOSE BABIESWERE GONNA SUCK ON YOUR TITTIES.

- WHAT THE [bleep] IS UPWITH YOUR HAIR?

- IT'S FOR YOU.- IT'S STUPID.

- IT'S CLASSY.IT'S LIKE YOURS.

HANNAH,I MIGHT BE WATER TRASH,

BUT I'M ALSO A WATER HUMAN.

- THAT DOESN'T EVENMEAN ANYTHING.

- MOMMY, LET'S--

MOMMY?BLAKE, WHERE'S MOMMY?

- I--- SHE'S WITH DERS.

MOMMY! MOMMY!

MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMYMOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY.

HEY, GANG.

I KNOW THAT WE SAW ONE LOVE

DISSOLVE INTO OBLIVION.

BUT DID WE SEE ANOTHER LOVEBLOSSOM INTO FRUITATION?

- CAN I HAVE MY [bleep]DRINK BACK, PLEASE?

- RACHEL, THIS IS FOR YOU.

JAKOB DYLAN, HIT IT.

[pop ballad music]

♪ I DON'T CARE IF YOU'REDRUNK AND YOU'RE TOOTHLESS ♪

♪ I DON'T CAREIF YOUR BODY STINKS ♪

♪ I DON'T CARE THAT YOULIVE IN AN ALLEY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THEM TITTIESMAKE MY HEART SING ♪

♪ I DON'T CARE IF YOU EATFROM A DUMPSTER ♪

♪ I DON'T CARE THAT YOUBEG FOR CHANGE ♪

♪ I DON'T CARE THATI DON'T REALLY KNOW YOU ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THOSE TITTIESMAKE MY HEART INSANE ♪

♪ I WANNA SUCK

♪ SUCK ON YOUR BOOBS

♪ MAYBE SOME KISSES

♪ AND BACKTO THE BOOZE ♪

♪ WHOA-OH

♪ LET THEM SAY

♪ WHAT THEY WANT

- ARE WE GONNA DO THIS,BRAJ?

- SO YOU HAVE A WONKY EYE TOO?OKAY, WOW.

- ♪ OH, WHOA, HO, HO

[music drops out]♪ HA, HA, HA, HA, HA

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT?

- MOMMY!

DID YOU BUCK MOMMY?

- NO, KARL, I DIDN'TBUCK MOMMY.

FOR A SECOND, I IMAGINED HAVINGA KID THAT WAS PART YOU,

AND MY DICK WENT BACKINSIDE MY BODY.

HAPPY?- COOL. THANK YOU.

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