Extended - Thursday, October 13, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 10/13/2016

Randy Liedtke, Marcella Arguello and Ramon Rivas II make up #WokeMovies and learn the importance of voting from a creepy clown in this extended, uncensored episode.

it's beginning to look a lotlike prison.

Creepy new details keep emergingabout GOP nominee

Dr. Cuckstable.

Uh...

(laughter)Walking in on naked teen pageant

participants, uninvited kissing,and Wednesday, a video surfaced

of the poster boy for orangeprivilege, Donald Trump, on

"Entertainment Tonight."

Apparently...

He apparently was watching agroup of ten-year-old girls and

saying...

>> No.

>> HARDWICK: Yes.

(laughter)I don't want you to get upset.

I did not do this.

(laughter)He was watching a group of

ten-year-old girls and saying,"I'm gonna be dating her in ten

years."

(laughter and loud groaning)>> I'm gonna be dating her in

ten years.

Can you believe it?

(audience & Hardwick groaning)>> HARDWICK: That taste...

You probably just voted forHillary in your mouth a little

bit. Uh...

(laughter)(applause and cheering)

But I need you...

I need you to understand howfucking crazy this is.

Uh, this was a ten-year-oldgirl, and this was 1992.

At that exact moment, hisdaughter Ivanka was an

11-year-old girl.

>> Oh, my God.

>> HARDWICK: But they werealready dating.

Uh...

(laughter)So he was just talking about...

(applause and cheering)As usual, the shit he says is

not only gross, but inaccurate.

He didn't date that girl tenyears later.

So, comedians, let's show thislizard with Tourette's how it's

done.

What do you think Donald Trumpis gonna be doing ten years

from now?

Randy.

>> Building a casino in hell.

I'm talking about New Jersey.

>> HARDWICK: All right. Okay.

(laughter)Points.

(applause)Uh, Marcella.

>> He'll be found dead inside ofhis fifth wife.

>> HARDWICK: All right. Points.

Now it's time for tonight's

#HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)Disney... Disney's announced

that a live-action Mulan is inthe works-- because all the best

ideas are the ones you had 20years ago-- but almost

immediately a rumor was startedthe reboot would star a white

male protagonist who savesChina, rescues Mulan, and then

explains why those aren't hisGhostbusters!

The hashtag...

(laughter)The hashtag #MakeMulanRight took

off, only for Disney to clarifythere will not be a white lead,

but only because ScarlettJohansson, Emma Stone, Tilda

Swinton, Matt Damon and theentire cast of The Last

Airbender were busy.

(laughter)(whooping, applause)

This is a big win... it's a verybig win for politically correct

cinema, so to celebrate,tonight's hashtag #WokeMovies.

Examples might be: Batperson vSuperperson, and 10 Things I

Hate About Institutional Racism.

I'm gonna put 60 seconds on theclock, and begin.

Randy.

>> You've Got Male Privilege.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

(cheering, applause)Ramon.

>> Deforestation Gump.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Randy.

>> Schindler's List of ThingsThat Offend Me.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Marcella.

>> Sophie's Pro-Choice.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Ramon.

>> Pulp Fracking.

>> HARDWICK: Points. Randy.

>> Men in Black Lives Matter.

>> HARDWICK: Points!

(cheering, whooping, applause)Marcella.

>> 2 White 2 Furious.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Marcella again.

>> Invasion of the Body Shamers.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

(whooping, applause)Marcella Arguello again!

>> The... The Sound ofAppropriated Music.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

(whooping, applause)Randy.

>> Boyz n the Racially DiverseNeighborhood.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

>> HARDWICK: Marcella.

>> My Big Fat Non-DenominationalCommitment Ceremony.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Ramon.

>> The Guardians of the Guy orGalaxy.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Very good. Randy.

>> Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual orStraight out of Compton.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

(laughter)(cheering and applause)

today we were planning ondoing one of our Voter Voices

segments, uh, but instead, I'dlike to take a moment to assure

everyone that killer clowns arenot real.

They are a manifestation of ouranxiety.

People are super freaked out bythe election.

Some goobers are taking thatanxiety and they're just

bringing it into the real world.

They're trolling us all.

And in a way, aren't they kindof holding up a mirror to

society and reflecting wherewe're at right now?

This sort of grotesque, paintedfigure that's darker than it

seems beneath the surface.

But I promise you, there is nosuch thing as a murder clown.

>> Yes, there is!

>> HARDWICK: Jesus fuckingChrist!

(evil laugh)>> Hello!

I'm Giggles the Murder Clown.

(evil laugh)Giggles.

>> You're real?

What the... ?

>> Ooh, yes, I'm real, Chris.

And boy, oh, boy, do I lovemurder.

(horn toots)(applause)

(snickering)>> HARDWICK: First of all, I

think white face is wrong.

And...

(laughter)You're, you're not gonna kill

us, are you?

>> Probably not.

(scoffs)Hey... you want to smell my

flower?

>> HARDWICK: No.

>> It's full of human blood.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

Oh! That's...

>> (laughing): Giggles.

>> HARDWICK: Why...

Why are you here?

>> Oh, Chris, because thiselection is very important.

And I just want to make sure ourvoices are heard.

Now I'm not here only on behalfof murder clowns, okay?

I'm also here for thievingmagicians, loitering acrobats,

jugglers that are cannibalistic,and Scientologists.

(applause)>> HARDWICK: Okay.

>> Yeah. Hey, hey.

If you don't vote, you don'tcount.

>> HARDWICK: Okay, so I assume,because you're a violent

psychopath trying to sow chaos,you're voting for Trump.

>> Oh, no way, man.

He scares the shit out of me.

>> HARDWICK: Seriously?

>> Yeah, yeah.

Look, Chris, look.

The-the paint on my face may berendered from the human fat and

kidney blood of my victims, butI'm not crazy.

No, no, no, no, no.

I am with her!

>> HARDWICK: All right, uh...

>> Yeah.

I mean...

That's why we're popping upeverywhere lately-- to get out

the vote.

>> HARDWICK: Oh...

>> Just look at this mapof clowns being seen from

Atlas Obscura, huh?

We got Florida, Ohio,Pennsylvania-- swing states,

huh?

But also, we clowns feelcomfortable there because they

remind us of hell.

>> HARDWICK: Well...

Okay, okay, this is shedding alot of light on this.

So, the murder clown thing isall about voting, but why are

you luring kids into the woods?

>> Oh, boy, it's calledgrassroots campaigning, Chris.

You lure a kid into the woods,tie them up, wave around a chain

saw, boom-- another vote forHillary, yeah!

>> HARDWICK: Wh... I don't...

No, hang on, though-- what aboutthis footage of a clown going up

to some random person's door,brandishing a machete?

>> Okay, door-to-doorcanvassing, Chris.

Come on.

You knock on the door, you breakin, you hide in the attic for 15

years, coming out only at night,staring over the children while

they sleep and breathing intheir breath, boom-- another

vote for Hillary.

>> HARDWICK: Okay.

(horn honking)I get it, okay, I get it.

So, then I guess this footage ofa clown chasing joggers through

a park was just about gettingthem to vote?

>> Oh, no, actually, we murderedthe shit out of those guys.

>> HARDWICK: Oh.

>> Yeah, yeah.

But the point is everyone needsto get out there and vote.

Hey, as scary as we are, we arenowhere near as bad as Donald

Trump, okay?

(whooping, cheering)Thank you, thank you.

I never... I never, ever...

I never thought I, a murderclown, would be saying this, but

please don't vote for thepsychopath who has fake hair and

an orange face, please, please!

>> HARDWICK: All right, Gigglesthe Clown, everyone.

Voter Voices.

These are people from yourcommunity.

It...

>> (echoing): (Giggles laughs)>> HARDWICK: Where the fuck did

she go?