Maria Bamford, Hannibal Buress, Amy Schumer, Marc Maron

  • 01/29/2010

Maria Bamford advises lonely people to dial the operator, Hannibal Buress likes burritos more than he likes Jesus, and Marc Maron doesn't know what his cell phone does.

ONE THING--ONE THING I'VELEARNED ABOUT AMERICA

SINCE MOVING HEREHAS BEEN ABOUT YOU--

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,

AND THE THING I'VE LEARNEDABOUT YOU IS THIS--

YOU ARE ALL HEROES,ALL OF YOU.

(laughter)

EVERY SINGLE--IN FACT, YEAH,

GIVE YOURSELF A ROUNDOF APPLAUSE NOW.(cheers and applause)

DO IT.DO IT!

YOU'RE ALL HERO--I'LL TELL YOU--

I'LL TELL YOU WHYAMERICANS ARE HEROES

BECAUSE AMERICAN PEOPLEARE...IDIOTS.

(laughter)

NOW, WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT--WHOA,EASY NOW.

I MEAN THAT AS THE HIGHESTFORM OF COMPLIMENT

I COULD POSSIBLY ISSUE.

THE WORLD NEEDS IDIOTS.

IDIOTS GET THINGS DONE.

THEY DON'T WASTE TIMEOVERTHINKING THINGS.

DO YOU HONESTLY THINKANY OTHER COUNTRY

COULD'VE PUTA MAN ON THE MOON?

OF COURSE NOT.

THAT ISA...STUPID THING TO DO.

(laughter)

ONLY AMERICA COULD PULLTHAT OFF

'CAUSE ONLY AMERICA WOULD SENDHIS FRIEND UP A FEW YEARS LATER

WITH A SET OF GOLF CLUBSSO THAT THEY COULD WHACK

A FEW BALLS AROUND UP THERE.

IT MAKES COMPLETE SENSE IFYOU DON'T REALLY THINK ABOUT IT.

(laughter)

ONLY RECENTLY,YOU BOMBED THE MOON.

YOU DID IT.THAT'S A FACT.

AND THE OVERALL CONSENSUSAROUND THIS COUNTRY WAS,

"GOOD, GREAT.WHY DID IT TAKE US THAT LONG?"

(laughter)

WHY? GET SOME MOON.HAVE A TASTE.

YOU BOMBED THE MOONNOT BECAUSE IT WAS EASY

BUT BECAUSE IT WAS HARD.

(laughter)

AND YOU DID IT IN THE MIDDLEOF THE GREATEST GLOBAL RECESSION

IN LIVING MEMORY.

THE WORLD SHOULD BE LINING UPTO THANK YOU PEOPLE.

KABOOM, SLAM.

YOU'RE WELCOME.THAT'S ON UNCLE SAM.

PUT YOUR MONEY AWAY,THAT'S NO GOOD TO US HERE.

ONLY AMERICA COULD INVENTA HOTDOG-EATING COMPETITION

THEN LOSE THAT COMPETITIONTO THE JAPANESE...

(laughter and applause)

AND SEE IT AS A POINTOF NATIONAL PRIDE

TO WIN THAT TITLE BACKAND DO SO SUCCESSFULLY.

LONG LIVE JOEY CHESTNUT.(cheers)

LONG LIVE JOEY CHESTNUT!

(cheers and applause)ALTHOUGH...

ALTHOUGH STATISTICALLY DUETO HIS DIETARY CHOICES,

THAT IS NOT LIKELY TO BETHE CASE.

(laughter)

ONLY--ONLY AMERICA,

WITH YOUR MOST FLAMBOYANTOF DEMOCRACIES

COULD ELECT FORTHE ENTERTAINMENT OF YOURSELVES

AND THE ENTIRE PLANETA MAN LIKE ROD BLAGOJEVICH.

(laughter)

OH, OTHER COUNTRIES COULD THINKABOUT DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

FEW WOULD BE HAPPY TO DO IT ANDLIVE THROUGH THE CONSEQUENCES.

(laughter)

LET ME SIMPLY SAY THISREGARDING RODNEY--

SOON, SOON,

FOUR OUT OF THE LASTEIGHT GOVERNORS OF ILLINOIS

WILL HAVE ENDED UP IN JAIL.

(laughter and cheers)

THAT'S 50%.

IF YOU GROW UPIN SOUTH CENTRAL L.A.,

YOU ARE SAID TO HAVEA ONE IN THREE CHANCE

OF ENDING UP PRISON.

THAT'S LESS THAN IF YOU BECOMEGOVERNOR OF ILLINOIS.

IDIOTS.

(applause)

ARE HELD BY AMERICAN CITIZENS.

THERE IS A VERY GOOD REASONFOR THIS,

AND THAT IS THAT MOST GUINNESSWORLD RECORDS

ARE RIDICULOUS,AND YOU ARE GOOD AT THAT...

THAT'S WHYYOU'RE SO DOMINANT.

ONLY THREE HUMAN BEINGSHAVE EVER JOGGED

ACROSS THE SAHARA DESERT.

WHERE ARE THEY FROM?

DO YOU REALLY NEED METO ANSWER THAT FOR YOU?

DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEARTS,YOU KNOW.(laughter)

THREE AMERICANS JOGGING

ACROSS ONE OF THE LEASTHOSPITABLE PLACES ON EARTH.

iPods, THAT'S RIGHT.

iPods DANGLINGOUT OF THEIR EARS.

THEY'RE SAYING, "THIS HAS NEVERBEEN DONE BEFORE."

NO...IT HASN'T.I'M JUST SAYING.(laughter)

(panting)

I WANTED TO SEE IFTHIS THEORY STOOD UP,

SO I ACTUALLY GOTA GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS,

AND I PULLED OUT SOME RECORDSAT RANDOM JUST TO SEE

WHO HAD DOMINATED THAT FIELD,AND LET'S SEE.

HERE'S ONE--

MOST LIVE RATTLESNAKESHELD IN THE MOUTH.

(laughter)

"TEN" IS THE ANSWERTO THAT UNEXPECTED QUESTION.

(laughter)

TEN SNAKES HELDBY THE MOUTH

DANGLING FROM TAIL.

WHO DID THAT?JACK BIBBY DID IT.

WHEN? 2006.

WHAT COUNTRY IS HE FROM?YOU'RE SITTING ON IT.

(laughter and applause)

AND THE FACT YOU HAVERESPONDED LIKE THAT

PROVES THAT THISIS ALREADY THE CASE.

(laughter)

I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THATWHEN JACK BIBBY

HAD NINE RATTLESNAKESHANGING FROM HIS MOUTH,

THERE WAS ONLY ONE THOUGHTIN HIS INSPIRED AMERICAN HEAD,

THAT THOUGHT BEING,

"I'M PRETTY SURE I COULD FITONE MORE IN."

(laughter)

THAT FOR ME IS THE SINGLEGREATEST DISTILLATION

OF THE AMERICAN DREAMI HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHINGYOU SET YOUR MIND TO

JUST DON'T THINK TOO MUCH ABOUTWHAT THAT THING MIGHT BE.

(laughter)

"I COULD FIT ONE MORE IN.I COULD.

I MEAN, I KNOW I SHOULDN'T,BUT I CAN, SO I WILL."

(laughter)

LET'S TRY ANOTHER.

OLDEST MALE STRIPPER.OOH! OOH!

CHERISH THESE FINAL FEW MOMENTS

WHERE YOU DON'T KNOWTHE ANSWER TO THIS.

(laughter)

YOU'RE GONNA LOOK BACK ONTHIS TIME IN YOUR LIFE

WITH SUCH FONDNESS,

SUCH AN INNOCENT TIME THAT WASTAKEN AWAY SO QUICKLY.

HE'S 75...(audience groans)

WHO IS HE?BERNIE PARKER.

OKAY.WHERE'S HE FROM?

THIS, ACTUALLY, WILL COMEAS NO SURPRISE--

MIAMI, FLORIDA.(laughter)

THAT IS SUPPLY AND DEMANDRIGHT THERE.

(laughter)

THAT IS CAPITALISMAT ITS BEST AND WORST.

AND FINALLY,

LARGEST GATHERINGOF PEOPLE DRESSED AS GORILLAS.

OOH.(laughter)

OKAY, IT'S ON.

IT IS ON.

637 IS THE RECORD.

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?1999.

WHERE? ...YOU.LONDON, ENGLAND.

...YOU....YOU.

WE DID THAT!WE DID THAT!(applause)

NO ONE IS BETTER AT DRESSING UPAS GORILLAS THAN US.

(applause)

AND PLEASE DON'T TRYAND BREAK THAT RECORD,

IT'S PRETTY MUCHALL WE'VE GOT LEFT NOW.

(laughter)

SO HERE'S AFRICA, RIGHT?WE CAN ALL AGREE ON THAT.

HERE'S AFRICA.THIS IS SOUTH AFRICA.

THAT'S WHERE OPRAH'STEACHING EVERYBODY

HOW TO GIVE MAKEOVERS, RIGHT?(laughter)

THEN HERE'S THE MIDDLE PART--THERE'S STARVATION, CIVIL WAR,

'CAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW"THE SECRET," AND, UM...

(laughter)

HERE'S EUROPE, EUROPE.

(English accent)OOH, ENGLAND.

WE ACT LIKE WE'RE SMARTERTHAN THE UNITED STATES,

BUT IN FACT,WE'RE JUST MUMBLING.

(mutters indistinctly)(laughter)

WHAT?

"(mutters indistinctly) 1312!"WHAT?

(laughter)

AND THEN HERE'S CHINA.

"WE'RE MAKING STUFF.WE'RE MAKING STUFF."

HERE'S INDIA.

(Indian accent) "THERE'SNOT ROOM FOR THE PHONE LINE.

TRAVELOCITY,THIS IS SUSAN."(laughter)

AND HERE'S THE MIDDLE EAST.

HERE'S THE MOSQUE.HERE'S THE CHURCH.

OPEN THE TEMPLE.EVERYBODY'S MAD!

WA-WA-WA-WAAAAAH!

(laughter and applause)

(Australian accent)HERE'S AUSTRALIA.

"WE HAVE BIG A LAND MASSAS THE U.S.,

AND NO ONE TAKES USSERIOUSLY."

OH, WE CAN'T HEAR YOU,AUSTRALIA.

YOU'RE SO FAR AWAY.OH! OH!

"OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE."

OH, YOU'RE AN ISLAND.YOU'RE FLOATING AWAY.

"OH, WHY DON'T YOUALL GET STUFFED?"

(Latin accent) "AND THENHERE'S SOUTH AMERICA

SOUTH AND CENTRAL AMERICA,WHICH STATISTICALLY

ARE THE HAPPIEST PEOPLEIN THE WORLD

BECAUSE WE AREYOU FAMILY, UH?

RELATIONSHIP, HMM?

LIKE YOUR--LIKE YOUR--"

SHUT UP!IT'S THE U.S.!

LOS ANGELES, NEW YORK,MIDWEST...

WE'RE LANDLOCKED.

(laughter and applause)

SEE IF YOU CAN GUESSWHO IT IS.

(stoned giggling)

WHAT? (chuckles)

OKAY, I'LL DO IT AGAIN.

(stoned giggling)

W-WHA?

IT'S GOD.

(laughter)OH...

I CAN'TWAIT TILL THE ATHEISTS

GET IT TOGETHER AND STARTSOME SORT OF TV NETWORK

UP AGAINST THE CHRISTIANS.

(applause)

(Southern accent) FRIENDS ALWAYSASK ME HOW DO I TESTIFY

ABOUT MY LACK OF FAITH.

AND I HAD A GOOD FRIENDCAME TO ME.

HE'D LOST HIS HOME, HIS JOB,HIS FAMILY, HIS APPENDAGES.

AND HE SAID, "OKAY, I GET IT.THERE IS NO GOD."

(laughter)

AND I SAID, "WELCOME HOME."

(laughter)

WELCOME HOME.

(normal voice) ALL RIGHT,FEELING ALONE?

UH, DOWN IN THE WORLD?

CALL THE OPERATOR BECAUSETHEY'RE STANDING BY,

AND IF YOU GETTHE RIGHT PERSON,

THEY WILL LISTEN TO YOUFOR A 45-MINUTE SESSION.

(urban accent)"OKAY, OKAY, SO YOU HAVE,

LIKE, PSYCHOLOGICALPROBLEMS."

YEAH, I PROBABLY NEED TO SEEA THERAPIST.

"OKAY.

SO IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU CANTAKE ABOUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS?"

WELL, I TALK ABOUT IT,BUT THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHY CAN'T YOU COME OUT TONIGHT?I SAY, "'CAUSE I'M FILTHY."

THEY SAY, "TAKE A SHOWER."I SAY, "NO, IT'S ON THE INSIDE!"

(laughter)

"OKAY.

SO YOU CRAZY."(laughter)

"YOU KNOW WHAT I DOWHEN I FEEL DOWN?

"I'M TOO BLESSEDTO BE STRESSED.

"WHEN I FEEL DOWN, I GO OUTAND SEE A COMEDY SHOW.

YOU EVER GET YOUR LAUGH ON?"

YES, I HAVE, SHIRLEY.YES, I HAVE.

(laughter)

"WELL, MAYBE YOU AIN'T SEENA FUNNY ONE."

OH, TOUCHé, MADAME.

"YOU SHOULD GO DOWNTO THE LAUGH FACTORY.

"THEY GOT REFRIED FRIDAYS.THAT'S FOR LATINO PEOPLE.

"I DON'T UNDERSTANDWHAT THEY SAYIN',

BUT THEY MAKE A LOTOF FUNNY FACES."

"AND THEY GOTMO' BETTER MONDAY.

THAT'S ON A TUESDAY."(laughter)

"MO' BETTER, I GUESSTHAT'S FOR BLACK PEOPLE.

WE ONLY GET ONE DAYOF THE WEEK TO LAUGH."

(laughter)

"WHITE PEOPLE LAUGH EVERY DAYOF THE WEEK.

HA. HA. HA."

(laughter)

LET'S GET BACK TO ME,SHIRLEY.

LET'S GET BACK TO MEAND MY PROBLEMS.

ACROSS OUR GREAT NATION,AND, UH,

MY ACT DOESN'T ALWAYSGO WELL.

SO I TRY TO PREPAREA PORTION OF MY ACT

THAT I THINK GENERICALLYDOES WELL WITH MOST PEOPLE,

BUT SOMETHING THAT DOESN'TSELL OUT MY OWN CREATIVE VISION.

SO I'LL DO A PIECEOF THAT SHTICK

FOR YOU AT THIS TIME.

HELPS ME SURVIVETHE COMEDY CLUB SCENE.

GUYS, LADIES,LADIES, WHEN WE ARE DATING,

WE HAVE A SYSTEM,DON'T WE?

WE DO! WE HAVE A SYSTEM!WE DO!

(laughter and applause)

HERE'S MY SYSTEM.FIRST DATE, KISS ON THE CHEEK.

SECOND DATE,WE CAN MAKE OUT.

THIRD DATE, IF HE BUYS ME SHOESAND CHOCOLATE,

HE CAN GET KEYSTO MY APARTMENT,

AND HE CAN GO THROUGHTHE BACKDOOR. (hums)

(laughter)

I'M EMPTY INSIDE.I'M A HUSK.

I CAN'T FEEL MY HANDS.

(laughter)

HMM.

(laughter)

I AM WRITING A BOOK.

IT IS CALLED "MEN ARE FROM MARSAND WOMEN WANT THEIR PENIS."

AM I RIGHT?I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

(laughter)

I DON'T FEEL WELL.

THIS IS THE GREATEST JOBIN THE WORLD

IN THE GREATEST COUNTRYIN THE WORLD.

(laughter)

(giggles nervously)

♪ OH, SAY DOES THAT

♪ STAR-SPANGLED BANNERYET WAVE ♪

I'LL BE SELLINGMY T-SHIRTS OUTSIDE.

THEY SAY "SKINNY BITCH"'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I AM!

(laughter)

♪ O'ER THE LANDOF THE FREE ♪

I'M TRAPPED.

♪ AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE

AND IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GETTO KNOW ME,

I'LL BE BACK ATTHE COMFORT INN & SUITES.

AT THE INTERSECTION OF THE 2,THE 210 AND THE 110-2,

MAKING CROSS-HATCH PATTERNSINTO MY ARM

WITH A CURLING IRON.

LONG SLEEVES, AM I RIGHT?!LONG SLEEVES!

(laughter)

AND IT'S FUNNY HOW PEER PRESSUREHAS CHANGED FOR ME AT 26

FROM WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER.

WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER,MY FRIENDS WOULD PRESSURE ME

INTO, LIKE, DRINKINGAND SMOKING WEED,

AND NOW AT 26,MY FRIENDS PRESSURING ME

INTO DOING STUFFLIKE HIKING.(laughter)

"HEY, HANNIBAL,YOU WANT TO HIKE?"

NO, I DON'T WANT TO HIKE.

THAT SOUNDS LIKEA HORRIBLE IDEA.

(laughter)

WHY DON'T WE WALK SOMEWHERETHAT'S PAVED

SOMEWHERE WE'RE SUPPOSEDTO WALK.

JUST IN CASE THAT WALK GOES BAD,I CAN JUST HOP IN A TAXI.

(laughter)

I DON'T LIKE OUTSIDEAT ALL.

(laughter)

(applause)

MY NEIGHBORHOOD HAS CHANGED.

IN THIS PLACE,THERE WAS A MEXICAN RESTAURANT.

IT'S NOW A SMALL CHURCH,

WHICH ISVERY UPSETTING TO ME,

'CAUSE I LIKE BURRITOSMORE THAN I LIKE JESUS.

(laughter and cheering)

BECAUSE STEAK BURRITOSARE DELICIOUS.

AND THEY'RE REAL.

(cheers and applause)THEY'RE REAL THINGS.

(laughter)

I DON'T LIKETHE ENVIRONMENT AT ALL.

(laughter)

I'M NOTAN ENVIRONMENTAL PERSON.

SOMETIMES I LET THE WATER RUN

FOR 45 MINUTESBEFORE I HOP IN THE SHOWER.

IT KEEPS RUNNING.IT WON'T STOP RUNNING.

IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKETHE POSEIDON

OF MY APARTMENT BUILDING.(laughter)

"LET THE WATER FLOW!"IT JUST KEEPS RUNNING.

SO WASTEFUL,BUT IT FEELS AWESOME.

(laughter)

YOU NEVER KNOW.I MIGHT BE SAVING SOMEBODY.

SAY SOME DUDE IS DROWNING...(laughter)

IN A LAKE OR THE RIVEROR WHATEVER.

HE'S DROWNING,

BUT THE WATER ONLY COMES UPTO, LIKE, RIGHT THERE

BECAUSE I DECIDED TO PLAYA GAME OF MADDEN

BEFORE I HOPPED IN THE SHOWER.(laughter)

I'M A HERO.

MY METHODS ARE JUST DIFFERENTFROM YOURS.

(laughter)

I SEE PEOPLE YELL AT THEIR DOGS,I GET UPSET.

I GET MAD FOR THE DOG.

THE PEOPLE LIKE,"SIT! SIT! SIT!"

IT'S LIKE, "RELAX, THE DOGIS ALREADY KIND OF SITTING

IN RELATION TO YOU ANYWAY."

(laughter)

I FEEL LIKE HE JUST WANT TO TELLANOTHER SPECIES TO DO SOMETHING.

RELAX, MAYBE THAT DOG DON'T WANTTO PUT HIS BARE ASS

ON SIXTH AVENUE,YOU EVER THOUGHT OF THAT?(laughter)

'CAUSE I WOULDN'TWANT TO PUT--

I COULD SEE IF THE DOGWAS DOING SOMETHING CRAZY

FOR YOU TO TELL IT TO SIT,LIKE IF IT STOOD UP

ON ITS HIND LEGS AND STARTEDTRYING TO, LIKE, BOX PEOPLE.

(laughter)

"IS YOUR DOG TRYINGTO FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW?

TELL IT TO SIT!"

(laughter)

IT'S AN EXCITING TIMEJUST TO BE IN COMEDY.

IT'S WEIRD TO THINK THIS'LLWIND UP ON THE INTERNET.

IT'LL JUST BE IN THE UNIVERSEFOREVER, RIGHT?

SO THIS IS KIND OF CORNY,BUT I JUST--

I WANNA DEDICATE THIS SETTO, UM,

MY UNBORN CHILDREN.(laughter)

I'M--I'M SORRY I NEVERGOT TO MEET YOU GUYS.

(laughter)

DO I LOOK OKAY?YEAH?

UH...(laughter)

THANK YOU, REALLY.

I ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE ITBACK HERE

I WAS SO CRAZY AT THIS POINT.

IT WAS HORRIBLE WEATHERIN DENVER.

ALL FLIGHTS WERE GROUNDED.63-MILE-AN-HOUR WINDS.

NORTHWEST WAS LIKE, "NO."

DELTA WAS LIKE,"ABSOLUTELY NOT."

AND U.S. AIR WAS LIKE,"WE'LL DO IT."

(laughter)

WE'RE ALL BOARDING THE PLANE,

LIKE, HEARING THE MUSICFROM "LA BAMBA."

LIKE,"WHY ARE THEY DOING IT?"

(laughter)

"IS THIS OKAYWITH EVERYBODY?"

THE PILOT CRACKS A BEER.

HE'S LIKE, "...HOP IN.DO WANT TO GO OR NOT?"

(laughter)

WOW. I HATE FLY--I'M, LIKE, REALLY SUPERSTITIOUS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE I'M ALWAYSCARRYING WITH ME,

LIKE, A 4-LEAF CLOVEROR, ;IKE, A BABY'S FOOT, JUST--

(laughter)

NOW MY DAD IS 60 YEARS OLD.

HE HAS M.S.HE'S IN A WHEELCHAIR.

THIS IS TRUE,BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM

BECAUSE HE THINKSHE IS GOD'S GIFT TO THE WORLD.

HE THINKS HE IS THE HOTTEST--

I CATCH HIM IN THE MIRRORBEING LIKE,

"PEW, YOU STILL GOT IT."(laughter)

WE'RE ALL LIKE,"RELAX, DAD."

I'M AT THE WEDDING,AND I'M JUST, LIKE,

"DAD, CONGRATULATIONS,I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU."

YOU KNOW,AND HE WAS JUST LIKE,

"I JUST HOPE I CAN STAYATTRACTED TO THIS ONE."

(laughter)

WE'RE LIKE,"DAD, YOU...YOURSELF."

(laughter)

WHAT?

HE'S LIKE, "I JUST HOPE SHEDOESN'T GAIN ANY WEIGHT."

(laughter)

I GUESS THAT'S JUST HOWHE ROLLS, BUT I DON'T KNOW.

(laughter)

IT'S WEIRD.IT'S WEIRD.

YOU'RE GONNA BE SO JEALOUS.

WITH THIS MARRIAGE,

I HAVE JUST INHERITEDA 7-YEAR-OLD VIETNAMESE BROTHER

WHICH I'D, LIKE,TOTALLY BEEN MEANING TO GET,

BUT, UH, SAVED ME A TRIPTO THE DOLLAR STORE.

(laughter)

NO, THAT'S WHO MAKETHE TOYS THERE.

DON'T GET WEIRDON ME, GUYS.

NO,I LOVE THIS KID SO MUCH.

SO OUR NEW THING,WE PLAY HIDE AND GO SEEK,

AND WHENEVER I FIND HIMI'M LIKE,

"THERE'S CHARLIEALL OVER THIS PLACE."

(laughter and applause)

THAT'S HIS NAME, GUYS.

NO, I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME.IT'S SOMETHING WEIRD,

BUT, UH...(laughter)

IT'S CREEPY.

EVERYTHING, BUT THE ONE THINGWE HAVE IN COMMON--

WE ALL HAVE THE SAMEFAVORITE SHOW--

MAURY POVICH'SBABY DADDY SHOWS.

(cheers and applause)YEAH, CLAP IF YOU HAVE TO.I UNDERSTAND.

MAKES YOU FEEL GOODABOUT YOURSELF, RIGHT?

I LOVE THAT SHOW.

AND I'VE COME UP WITH THE BESTIDEA FOR AN EPISODE

BASED ON MY FAMILY.

PICTURE IF YOU WILL,HALF THE CROWD, ALL PRIESTS,

HALF, ALL RABBIS, OKAY?

ON THE PANEL WE'VE GOTJESUS CHRIST,

WE'VE GOT MARY,WE'VE GOT JOSEPH.

MAURY COMES OUT.

"IN THE CASEOF JESUS CHRIST...

GOD IS...

NOT THE FATHER!"

AND ALL THE JEWS ARE LIKE--(cheers)

AND THE PRIESTS ARE LIKE,"BOO!"

AND JOSEPH'S LIKE,"YOU WHORE."

AND MARY'S LIKE,"MM..."

PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT?(applause)

PRETTY GOOD.

UH, THAT SHOW DOES NOT MAKE MELOOK FORWARD TO GETTING MARRIED.

ALL MY FRIENDSARE GETTING MARRIED.

I GUESS, I'M JUST AT THE AGEWHERE PEOPLE GIVE UP, BUT, UM...

(laughter)

I'M JUST LIKE, THE ONLY RINGTHAT I'M INTERESTED IN RIGHT NOW

IS THE NuvaRing, BUT, UM,IT FITS PERFECT.

(laughter)

THE NuvaRing DOES NOT PROTECTYOU AGAINST DISEASES.

I FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY.

AND I, UH--IT'S A SCARY TIME.

NO ONE'S SAFE,NOT EVEN PETS.

I FEEL LIKEWHEN WE WERE YOUNGER--

WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER,IF YOUR PET DIED,

IT MEANT IT GOT HITBY A CAR, RIGHT?

BUT NOW THEY'RE DYING OF ALLTHESE SOPHISTICATED DISEASES.

LIKE, MY FRIEND KRISTEN,HER CAT JUST DIED.

SO I CALLED, I'M LIKE,"HEY, CHRIS, SO SORRY.

HEARD ABOUT AL ROKER,"HER CAT'S NAME.

(laughter)

I'M JUST LIKE,"WHAT HAPPENED, CAR?"

SHE'S LIKE, "AIDS."

(laughter)

I'M LIKE, "I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWYOUR CAT WAS GAY."

LIKE, WHAT...(laughter)

I KNOW THAT ALL GAY CATSDON'T HAVE AIDS,

BUT, UH...(laughter)

MOST DO.NO, I, UH...

IT'S A SCARY TIME OUT THERETO BE DATING.

AND YOU KNOW WHATI'VE REALIZED ABOUT MEN?

NOT GOOD AT PLANNING,WE KNOW THIS.

MEN ARE TERRIBLE AT PLANNING.

UNLESS IT'S FOR A THREESOME.

(laughter)

THEN THEY BECOME...EVENT PLANNERS.

I'M LIKE,"YOU BOUGHT PLACECARDS?"

UH...HE'S LIKE,"AND I'LL HANDLE THE MUSIC."

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T THINKSHE WANTS TO HEAR

THE 'BRAVEHEART' SOUNDTRACK."

UH,BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?

I JUST GOT BROKEN UP WITH.I WAS DATING A MIME.

THANK YOU, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWHE WAS A MIME AT FIRST.

I JUST THOUGHT HE WAS, LIKE,PALE AND QUIET.

I'M LIKE,"HE JUST LIKES THE CURE,

YOU GUYS DON'T GET HIM,"BUT, UH...

(laughter)

IT WAS HARD.

I JUST, LIKE,COULDN'T GET CLOSE TO HIM.

IT WAS LIKE THERE WAS, UH,LIKE A WALL.

(laughter)

IT WAS EMBARRASSING.

HE BROKE UP WITH ME,AND IT WAS IN PUBLIC.

AND HE WAS JUST LIKE...

(laughter)

I'M LIKE,"CAN I KEEP THE BERET?

THIS IS RIDICULOUS."

OH, MAYBE I SHOULD TAKEMY NICOTINE GUM OUT.

(laughter)

(applause)

YEAH, I KNOW,I HAVE A LOT OF THOSE

SITTING AROUNDMY APARTMENT,

AND PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOWWHAT IT IS ARE LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELL'SWITH ALL THE GUM, DUDE?"

AND ALL I CAN SAY IS,"NO, NO, NO,

"THERE'S STILL STUFFIN THAT ONE.

"THERE'S STILL THE JUICE THATMAKES ME FEEL ALIVE AND GROUNDED

WITHIN THAT GUM."

YOU KNOW,I FEEL BAD FOR PEOPLE

WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN ADDICTEDTO ANYTHING

'CAUSE THEY'RETHE REAL LOSERS.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE THEY JUST DON'T KNOWWHAT IT'S LIKE

TO REALLY WANT SOMETHING...

AND GET IT AGAIN AND AGAINAND AGAIN

UNTIL THEY'RE SICKAND HAVE TO STOP.

THAT'S PASSION.

HOLD ON, LET ME JUSTTWEET WHERE I AM.

(laughter)

ON STAGE...COMEDY CENTRAL TAPING...

AUDIENCE SEEMS TENTATIVE...

(laughter)

JUDGMENTAL...

BUT SCREW THEM,LOL.

I DIDN'T REALLY DO THATBECAUSE

(raises voice)I DON'T KNOW HOW TO!

(cheers and applause)

I DON'T KNOWWHAT THIS PHONE DOES.

DOES--I DO--DOES ANYONE KNOWWHAT THEIRS DOES?

SERIOUSLY,IT COMES WITH A BOOK,

BUT I CAN'T GET THROUGHTHAT BOOK.

EVERY BOOK JUST EVENTUALLYTURNS INTO, LIKE,

A MATH TEXT TO ME.

IT'S LIKE,"OH, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

HOW DO I PICK A SOUNDAND PUT MY TWO FRIENDS IN?"

I'M GOOD.

(laughter)

ALL RIGHT,LAUGH AT MY TWO FRIENDS.

GO AHEAD, LAUGH.

LIKE YOU HAVE MORE?

I HATE PEOPLE THAT SAY,"I HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS."

YOU DON'T.

YOU HAVE A LOT OF SHALLOWRELATIONSHIPS

WITH PEOPLE THAT TALKBEHIND YOUR BACK.

AND YOU CALL THAT DRAMAA LIFE,

'CAUSE YOU'RE BOREDAT YOUR JOBS.

(laughter)

THAT IS NOT MY LIFE.

ALL I NEED ARE TWO.

I NEED THE MAIN GUY,AND THE GUY I GO TO

WHEN I DRAIN THE MAIN GUY,THAT'S IT.

(laughter)

'CAUSE I AM A PANICKY,ANGRY MAN.

I MAKE CALLS LIKE THIS--"DUDE, I'M LOSING MY MIND!

"NO, I'M HAVING A BREAKDOWNOR SOMETHING.

"I'M SERIOUS--OH, YOU'RE TIRED?

ALL RIGHT, TAKE THE DAY OFF.I'LL CALL THE OTHER GUY."

(laughter)

"DUDE, I'M LOSING MY MIND!

"NO, FOR RE--NO, NO, NO,IT'S YOUR DAY.

"IT'S YOUR DAY.

SO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, FRIENDO.DO IT."

DID YOU SEE THAT?

LIKE, I'M GOING TO PUTTHE GUM BACK.

"WAIT.YOU'RE ON STAGE."

I, UM...(laughter)

YEAH, THE PATRIARCHYIS STILL THERE.

THEY CAN STILL TAP OUR PHONESOR LOOK ON OUR HARD DRIVES

WITHOUT A WARRANT, AND NOT ONLYIS THAT UNCONSTITUTIONAL

IT'S JUST...

AND I--AND I--(cheers and applause)

YOU KNOW--I REALLY--I HATE PEOPLE THAT DEFEND IT

BY SAYING, "HEY, IF YOU'VEGOT NOTHING TO HIDE,

YOU'VE GOT NOTHINGTO WORRY ABOUT."

WELL, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.

BUT I GOT A FEW THINGSI'M ASHAMED OF.

(laughter)

I'D ALMOST RATHER BE CAUGHTWITH A BOMB.

I COULD EXPLAIN THAT.

"WHAT WERE YOU GONNA DOWITH THAT BOMB?"

I WAS GONNA BLOW SOME STUFFUP WITH IT, GENIUS.

YOU CAUGHT ME.I GET IT.

GAME OVER.TAKE ME IN.

BUT IF THEY WERE TO DOWNLOADSOME OF THE STUFF

ON MY HARD DRIVE?

I'D BE HARD-PRESSEDTO EXPLAIN SOME OF THAT.

HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WASA GUY AT FIRST.

(laughter)

AND THEN I JUST KEPT LOOKINGAT IT 'CAUSE IT WAS WEIRD.

I DON'T KNOW.

AM I IN TROUBLE?WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

"WELL, WE WANT YOU TO BLOWSOME STUFF UP FOR US."

OH, OKAY, I'LL DO IT.I'LL DO IT.

THAT'S HOWYOU'RE RECRUITING NOW.

I GET IT,JUST DON'T TELL ANYBODY

ABOUT THE THINGWITH THE THING.

(laughter)

BUT SEE NOW I'VE PORTRAYEDMYSELF AS SOME

MASTURBATING LOSER.

SO MAYBE I AM WITH YOU,BROTHER.

(scattered cheering)

BUT I'M NOT.I'M NOT.

I WAS--I RECENTLY--

LET'S CLEAR THAT UP.(man laughing)

TAKE IT EASY.

BUT I'VE BEEN, UH,

I'VE BEEN DATING,OR SEXUALLY ACTING OUT, UM...

(laughter)

IT'S NOT CLEAR TO ME.

IT DEPENDS WHICH PARADIGMYOU SUBSCRIBE TO.

YOU KNOW, BE IT PSYCHOTHERAPYOR ROMANCE.

BUT MAYBE I DON'T UNDERSTANDANYMORE.

I'VE BEEN MARRIEDA COUPLE TIMES,

AND IS DATING STILL ABOUTHAVING SEX AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, OR...

NO, IS IT?

I--I--SEE NO ONE'S GONNAANSWER THAT QUESTION

'CAUSE WHY?

I THINK IT ISON SOME LEVEL.

BUT I DO FIND THAT IF YOU DOTHAT IT MAKES IT HARD--

EVERYTHING MOVES TOO FAST.

LIKE, IF I MEET SOMEBODYAND WE HAVE SEX

AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLEAS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE,

WHAT HAPPENS IS YOU DO THATFOR COUPLE OF WEEKS,

AND YOU HIT THAT WALLWHERE YOU'RE LIKE,

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU."

AND SHE'S LIKE,"I DON'T KNOW YOU, EITHER."

AND THEN YOU TRAUMA BONDFOR LIKE AN HOUR, YOU KNOW?

(laughter and applause)

WELL, MY DAD'S MANIC-DEPRESSIVEAND, YEAH,

MY MOM HAS AN EATING DISORDERAND THEN SHE'S LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD, I HAVEAN EATING DISORDER."

I'M LIKE,"OF COURSE YOU DO."

(laughter)

AND THEN YOU HAVE SEXFOR A COUPLE MORE WEEKS

TILL YOU HAVE TO OVERCOME

THE FIRST MINOROBSTACLE TOGETHER,

LIKE, "HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKETORTILLA CHIPS?

"THAT'S SO WEIRD.

"WERE YOU ABUSED BY A MEXICAN?

"BECAUSE THATSHOULD HAVE COME OUT

DURING THE TRAUMA BONDING,IF THAT'S THE CASE."

(laughter)

I NOTICE A FEW OF YOUGOT A LITTLE WEIRD

WHEN I MENTIONED "MEXICAN"OUT OF--YOU KNOW,

IN THE CONTEXTI MENTIONED IT IN.

LIKE, YOU DIDN'T KNOWWHAT TO DO WITH THAT.

I'M NOT A RACIST.

I'M NERVOUS.

(laughter)

BUT I'M NOT A RACIST.

IT'S REALLY CASE BY CASE.IT'S NOT ETHNICITY-SPECIFIC.

OR--IT'S JUST THE WAY I REACTTO THINGS THAT ARE DIFFERENT.

I THINK THAT'S NORMAL.

EVERYONE'S NERVOUS WHENTHEY'RE CONFRONTED WITH THINGS

THAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTANDOR ARE DIFFERENT.

THAT'S A NORMAL HUMAN REACTION.

IT DOESN'T BECOME RACISTTILL YOU SAY THINGS LIKE,

"OH.THERE'S A LOT OF 'EM."

(laughter)

AND I THINK EVERYBODY'SA LITTLE RACIST.

ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO SAY THIS--"I'M NOT RACIST."

THEY'RE ALWAYSA LITTLE RACIST.

HERE'S HOW YOU CAN FIND OUTIF YOU'RE A LITTLE RACIST.

THIS IS HOW I FOUND OUT.ALL RIGHT?

NEXT TIMEYOU LOSE SOMETHING

THAT YOU THINKHAS BEEN STOLEN...

(light laughter)

WHEN YOU GO TO RETRACEYOUR STEPS,

SEE HOW YOU CAST THAT SHORTMYSTERY FILM IN YOUR HEAD.

(laughter)

HOW MANY ETHNIC TYPESDO YOU USE

IN THE LEADING ROLESOF THAT MOVIE?

HOW MANY BLACKS AND LATINOSDO YOU GET THROUGH

BEFORE YOU FINALLYHEAR YOURSELF SAY,

"OH, CRAP, HERE IT ISUNDER THE CAR SEAT."

(laughter)

I'M AN IDIOT!

AND I'M A LITTLE RACIST.

(laughter)

BUT I'M NOT GONNA TELLMY ONE BLACK FRIEND...

WHO I THOUGHT STOLE THIS.

(laughter)

SO LETS BE HONEST:THE FUTURE IS CHINESE

AND I THINK WE ALL KNOW THAT.AT LEAST SOME PEOPLE KNOW THAT.(scattered cheering)

THAT'S A WEIRD THINGTO APPLAUSE IF YOU'RE--

(laughter)

IS THAT THE CHINESE PERSON?OH, OKAY.

(laughter and applause)

SEE, LIKE, SOME OF YOUSTILL THINK, LIKE,

"I DON'T KNOW WHEREHE'S GOING WITH THIS.

THERE'S NO MORAL BAROMETERRIGHT NOW."

THE FUTURE'S CHINESEAND LOOK, HONESTLY,

I'VE BECOME FASCINATEDWITH CHINESE PEOPLE.

THEY'VE BEEN HERE LONGERTHAN MOST OTHER ETHNIC GROUPS.

THEY'VE BEENA CIVILIZATION LONGER

THAN MOST CIVILIZATIONSON EARTH,

AND I DON'T KNOW ANYTHINGABOUT THEM.

DO YOU?

I MEAN, WHAT DO WE KNOW?WE EAT THEIR FOOD.

WE LEAVE UNCOMFORTABLYTHINKING THEY'RE MAD AT US.

BUT, I MEAN,ASIDE FROM THAT...(laughter)

I MEAN,I JUST DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEYOU SAT DOWN WITH A CHINESE GUY

AND JUST SAID, "DUDE, WHATIS GOING ON WITH YOU PEOPLE?"

AND IT'S ALWAYS GOOD

WHEN YOU USE THE CONDESCENDING"YOU PEOPLE"

WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO REACH OUTTO ANOTHER ETHNIC GROUP.

I'M LITERALLY FASCINATED,THOUGH.

I'LL GO TO CHINATOWN SOMETIMESIN MANHATTAN

JUST TO WALK THROUGH CHINESESUPERMARKETS

AND LOOK IN BINS AND BOXESOF THINGS, GOING,

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

WHAT IS THAT?IS THAT A CLAM?

IS THAT A SNAIL?IT IS A DRIED FISH?

ARE WE EATING THAT?IS THAT A BUG?

OH, MY GOD.LOOK AT THESE ROOTS.

IT LOOKS LIKE A BUCKETOF E.T. HEADS.

THEY MUST FLY THAT IN.

OH, MAN, BOX OF MOSS.JUST MOSS.

(laughter and applause)

HOW MANY TIMES DO CHINESEGROCERS HAVE TO SEE

WHITE PEOPLE HOLDING STUFF UPGOING,

"(laughing) DUDE!

"OH, MAN! EAT IT, COME ON.IT'S FOOD. EAT IT.

YOU'RE HIGH, EAT IT."

BUT THIS ISN'T ABOUT FOOD.IT'S ABOUT THE FUTURE.

NOW OBVIOUSLY, THE FUTUREIS CHINESE ECONOMICALLY.

I THINK SOME OF YOUKNOW THAT.

MOST OF OUR NATURAL DEBTIS TO CHINA.

THEY OWN THIS COUNTRYON PAPER.

THEORETICALLY, THEY COULDJUST CLOSE US DOWN.

I BELIEVE THATWE ARE ALL REALLY

JUST OUTSOURCEDCHINESE LABOR,

AND OUR JOB IS TO EATAND BUY THINGS AT A LOWER PRICE

BUT RATIONALIZING IT,BECAUSE, LET'S BE HONEST,

THIS IS A CONSUMER-BASEDECONOMY IN AMERICA.

THAT'S ALL WE MANUFACTURE HEREIS NEED AND APPETITE.

(laughter)

WE ARE THE WORLD'S MOUTH.

THEY MAKE THINGS IN OTHERCOUNTRIES AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"SEND IT TO AMERICA.THEY'LL EAT IT."

(laughter)

(applause)

THEY'RE ACTUALLY THINKINGABOUT CHANGING THE SLOGAN

OF THE UNITED STATES

FROM "AMERICA, LAND OFOF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE."

TO "AMERICA,ALL YOU CAN EAT."

STEP UP TO THE BUFFET,

GET SOME FOOD BETWEENYOU AND YOUR FEELINGS

BEFORE THEY LEAD TO QUESTIONS.

(laughter)

THIS ISN'T ABOUT FOOD.IT'S ABOUT THE FUTURE.

AND--AND I THINK THE FUTUREIS ALSO CHINESE ENVIRONMENTALLY

'CAUSE IF YOU READTHE STUDIES ON GLOBAL WARMING,

WHICH EXISTS--

THERE'S REALLY NO REASONTO FIGHT THAT FIGHT.

(cheers and applause)

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.

I KNOW IT EXISTS.

I KNOW YOU'RE NOTSUPPOSED TO TASTE AIR.

(laughter)

BUT THE FUTURE IS CHINESEENVIRONMENTALLY.

'CAUSE IF YOU READTHE STUDIES ON GLOBAL WARMING,

IF IT CONTINUES AT ITSCURRENT RATE,

ALL THAT WILL BE LEFTIN THE OCEAN

IS PREHISTORIC TOXIC ALGAEAND MUTANT JELLYFISH.

AND IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

THE CHINESE ARE REALLYTHE ONLY CULTURE

THAT KNOWS HOW TO PREPARETHAT STUFF PROPERLY.

(laughter)

SO I'M JUST SAYING, YOU KNOW,LEARN A FEW KEY PHRASES,

GET A NEW COOKBOOK,GET READY FOR THE NEW BOSSES.

PERHAPS LEARN TO ENJOYTHE STRANGE ENCHANTING SOUNDS

OF THAT 2-STRINGED VIOLININSTRUMENT

THAT YOU SEE THE 900-YEAR-OLDMAN PLAYING ON THE SUBWAY.

(imitates off-key erhu)

"HEY, YOU KNOWTHE NATIONAL ANTHEM?"

(Chinese accent)"THAT IS NEW NATIONAL ANTHEM."

(imitates off-key erhu)

"I GUESS I'LL GET USED TO IT.

EVERYTHING'S A NICKEL.WHOO-HOO."

(laughter)

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