Thursday, May 15, 2014

  • 05/15/2014

Myq Kaplan, Emily Heller and James Davis guess which Godzilla craft on Etsy is the most expensive, list #LameMonsters and write dating profiles for strange Soviet singles.

>> ITS 11:59 AND 59 SECONDSTHIS HAPPENED ON ROUTE 49 IN

SOUTH JERSEY. LOCAL NEWS LEADERNBC40.NET, TAKE US THERE.

>> ON SUNDAY, RESIDENTS IN UPPERTOWNSHIP SAY AN ELECTRONIC

SIGN THAT IS SUPPOSED TOCAUTION THEM ABOUT A CHANGED

TRAFFIC PATTERN INSTEADDISPLAYED AN INAPPROPRIATE,

INACCURATE AND OFFENSIVEMESSAGE ALONG ROUTE 49.

>> THAT PLACE IS A [BLEEP]HOLE.

IT'S NEAR FLUSHING.

I HEAR THEY HAVE A CRACKPROBLEM.

(LAUGHTER)I AM SORRY.

JERSEY NEWS LEADERS DID NOT MISSA CHANCE FOR A GOOD PUN.

LOOK AT HOW UP SET SHE LOOKS ATBUTT OF THE JOKE.

AND THEY WON'T EVEN SAY, WELISTENED TO THE REPORT.

THE GUY IS LIKE AND IT SAIDA-S-SVILLE.

I MEAN HOW [BLEEP] OLD AREWE, SERIOUSLY, YOU CAN'T SAY

ASS IN THE NEWS? YOU CAN SHOWPEOPLE GETTING MURDERED BUT YOU

CAN'T SAY ASS? [BLEEP] YOU,NEWS.

(APPLAUSE)COMEDIANS I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO PLEASE GIVE ME THE REALDIRECTIONS TO ASSVILLE.

MYKE KAPLAN, GO.

>> JUST KEEP THE MOON IN SIGHT.

>> NICE, WELL DONE. WELLPLAYED.

(APPLAUSE)>> EMILY HELLER.

>> HONESTLY CHRIS, IF YOUSTOP ASKING IT'S TO THE

GOING TO HAPPEN.

>> SORRY, SORRY.

I JUST THOUGHT THAT WAS THEBEST-- YOU KNOW-- JAMES DAVIS

>> CHRIS SHOULD KNOW IT'S UPYOUR BUTT AND AROUND THE

CORNER FROM THE KARDASHIAN'SHOUSE.

>> NICE, I TOTALLY FORGOTABOUT THAT.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

GODZILLA STOMPS ON THEATRESTODAY, AND IT LOOKS AWESOME SO

WE WANT TO CELEBRATE BY COMINGUP WITH MONSTERS THAT WOULD

BE FAR LESS AWESOME SOTONIGHT'S IS LAME MONSTERS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE ANNCOULTERGEIST.

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, SCOTTBLACULA.

I KNOW I'M SORRY, THAT JOKEWAS A QUANTUM LEAP. SORRY.

STOP IT KIDS, YOU DON'TREMEMBER IT, IT WAS GOOD.

TRAVELED BACK IN TIME, HE HAD ABUDDY NAMED AL.

A COMPUTER NAME ZIGGY. [BLEEP]LET IT GO.

I'M GOING THE TO PUT 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK AND GO.

>> GODZILLI VANILI.

>> I WANT TO SEE THAT. POINTS!

>> HOW I MET YOUR MOTHRA.

>> YES. POINTS! EMILY.

>> PRIME MINISTERKONG.

HE'S CANADIAN.

HE'S NOT A KING, HE'S CANADIAN.IT'S DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED.

>> POINTS, POINTS. MIKE KAPLAN.

>> SELF-AWAREWOLF.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> WHAT AM I?

I'M A WOLF, YES, EMILY.

>> AL FRANKENSTEIN.

>> PONTS. JAMES.

>> DRAKEULA.

STARTED FROM THE BOTTOM OF THETHROAT --

>> HE WOULD LITERALLY MURDERYOUR VAGINA.

EMILY.

>> GLUTEN-FREE COOKIE MONSTER.

>> YES, YES.

>> NOM, NOM, NOM, COOKIEBLOATED -- JAMES.

>> SHUG NIGHTMARE ON ELMSTREET.

IN SOVIET RUSSIA, JOKE IS TIREDOF YOU.

AN IMGUR USER UPLOADED PROFILEPICS FROM A RUSSIAN DATING SITE

AND THE RESULTS ARE -- SEXY?

I'LL SHOW YOU A PICTURE OF ARUSSIAN PERSON ON THE MAKE.

SOMEONE WHO IS RUSHING TOGET IN YOUR PANTS.

AND YOU GIVE ME A LINE FROMTHEIR DATING PROFILE --

NO POINTS FOR THAT ONE, CHRISHARDWICK.

LET'S SEE IF THEY CAN GETPOINTS FOR YOU.

FIRST ONE, THIS STARVINGSOVIET-- SOMEWHERE GALLAGHER

JUST [BLEEP] HIS PANTS.(LAUGHTER)

EMILY.

>> SHE DOESN'T NEED A MAN. SHENEEDS A KNIFE.

THIS WAS NOT AN ASSVILLE,LET ME SAY THAT RIGHT NOW.

>> LOOKS LIKE IT WAS INASSVILLE.

>> NO, NO.

>> ASSVILLE IS AMERICA, THISIS RUSSIA.

>> OH, I'M SORRY. THEN SHE'S INTAINTSK

>> NEXT ONE THIS MAN --

GET BACK TO THE CELLAR ANDSTOP SCARING THE GUESTS.

OH, VERY SORRY -- I WILL GO UPTO THE BACK AND PUNCH GOPHERS.

>> YES, MYKE.

>> LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WITHPASSION FOR TROLL DOLLS.

>> POINTS. POINTS.

>> I CAN'T TELL IF HIS PECSARE SUPPOSED TO DISTRACT

FROM ME FROM FACE OR PANTSARE SUPPOSED TO DISTRACT ME

FROM HIS HAIR OR IF-- IF AWALLPAPER IS SUPPOSED TO

DISTRACT ME FROM HIM BEINGFOUR FEET TALL?

>> THERE ARE A LOT OF PLACESFOR THE EYE TO GO.

>> YEAH. POINTS.

>> I AM CHILD OF SUSAN BOYLEAND BEAR.

>> I'D [BLEEP] HIM.

>> POINTS. NEXT ONE, LOOK ATTHIS MAGICAL MERMAID.

MIKE.

>> ENJOYS LONG FLOPS ON THEBEACH.

>> YOU CAN SEE THE FAREWELL NOTEHER FIANCEE LEFT HER.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS, BUTI WOULD LIKE TO POINT IT OUT --

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S THE SHAPEOF PAPER AIRPLANE.

IT'S LIKE HERE, I'M DONE.

NUDE TUBE.

NOW THE REASONS WE DON'TQUITE UNDERSTAND OR WANT TO

UNDERSTAND THERE ARE TONS OFNUDIST VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE, A

LOT OF PROUD NATURIST FOLKSLETTING IT HANG OUT IN

VARIOUS WAYS.

I'M GOING DESCRIBE TWONUDIST VIDEOS YOU WOULD

PROBABLY RATHER NOT SEE ANDFOR 250 POINTS YOU HAVE TO

GUESS WHICH ONE ISUNFORTUNATELY REAL.

AND THEN WE'RE GONNA SHOW IT TOYOU.

FIRST ONE, NUDIST CAMP PUDDINGFIGHT OR A CHEF FRYING AN EGG

DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO HISSCROTUM.

I KNOW WHICH ONE I'M HOPINGFOR, JAMES.

>> A CHEF FRYING AN EGGDANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO HIS SCTOUM

>> LET'S LOOK AT WHAT THAT MIGHTLOOK LIKE.

>> BECAUSE IT'S PUDDING.

>> COSBY HASN'T DONE A PUDDINGCOMMERCIAL IN LIKE A DECADE.

EVERYBODY THINKS PUDDINGJUST GOES IN YOUR MOUTH BUT

BUT YOU CAN THROW IT ON YOURNAKED FAT FRIENDS.

>> IT'S LIKE BILL ACTUALLY SAWTHIS AND TOOK A PICTURE OF

BILL'S FACE WATCHING THISAND THEN PUT IT OVER THAT.

>> POINTS TO JAMES DAVIS.

A BEACHSIDE NUDE BODY PAINTINGFESTIVAL OR ALL NUDE PUMPKIN

PIE EATING CONTEST.

MIKE KAPLAN.

>> PLEASE, PUMPKIN PIE.

>> LET'S FIND OUT TOGETHER.

>> THERE COULD STILL BE APIE.

>> I SURE WOULD LIKE TOMUNCH ON THAT.

COME ON.

IT WAS RIGHT THERE.

IT WAS RIGHT THERE.

INSTAGROAN.

PHOTOGRAPHY IS THE SUBTLE ANDNUANCED CRAFT THAT, THANKS TO

FILTERS, HAS BEEN RENDEREDIRRELEVANT.

KELVIN, NASHVILLE. THESE ARESOME THE ACTUAL FILTER NAMES

THAT TURN BLURRY SELFIE INTOHEADSHOTS.

SO COMEDIANS PLEASE RING IN WITHREALLY BAD INSTAGRAM FILTERS.

>> PLUTONIC SINCE 1977.

>> OKAY, POINTS. JAMES AGAIN.

>> ROGAINER.

>> YES. GOOD, POINTS. EMILY.

>> SOLANGE, DEPLETE ANY PICTURESYOU HAVE OF BEYONCE.

>> YES, PERFECT.

>> NOT NASHVILLE BUT ASSVILLE.

>> YES, POINTS. THAT'S NEXTLEFT, BY THE WAY.

>> EMILY HELLER.

>> BABY BUMPER THAT MAKESYOU LOOK PREGNANT IF YOU

THINK YOUR BOYFRIEND ISGOING TO BREAK UP WITH YOU.

>> POINTS.

>> DICK PIC ENGLARGER.

>> POINTS.

>> EMILY.

>> ALVIN. INSTEAD OF KELVINTHAT PUTS THE GUY FROM COSBY

SHOW IN YOUR PICTURE.

>> OH MY GOD, WHAT A CRAZY,WEIRD REFERENCE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> I WAS THINKING LIKE OHLORD OF THE RINGS, LEGOLAS

NO THE GUY FROM THE COSBYSHOW.

>> POINTS. YEAH, FOR SURE.JAMES.

>> MUG SHOT.

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