Wednesday, February 5, 2014

  • 02/05/2014

Sean Patton, Michelle Buteau and Moshe Kasher meet YouTube star Sir Fedora, come up with sad toys and list unappealing OkCupid user names.

THIS HAPPENED ON THE YOUTUBES

LAST NIGHT.

THAT RIGHT THERE IS BILL NYE THE

SCIENCE GUY, WHO IS AWESOME.

HE IS DEBATING CREATIONIST AND

ALL AROUND FACT DENIER KEN HAM.

WHILE KEN INSISTED THE EARTH WAS

ONLY 6,000 YEARS OLD, BILL TOOK

THE POSITION THAT IT ISN'T

BECAUSE, SCIENCE.

THE VIDEO, POSTED LAST NIGHT,

HAD ALMOST A MILLION VIEWS

THIS MORNING.

THE DEBATE BY THE WAY WAS SIMPLY

CALLED "BILL NYE DEBATES KEN

HAM."

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU WATCH IT,

IT'S FASCINATING.

BUT I FEEL LIKE IT IT NEEDS A

BETTER NAME THAN "BILL NYE

DEBATES KEN HAM."

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE COME UP

WITH A--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WOW, YOU'RE ALREADY ON BOARD.

HOLY CRAP.

ALL RIGHT.

PLEASE COME UP WITH A BETTER

NAME FOR THE DEBATE.

SEAN PATTON.

>> ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A

CREATIONIST?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, WELL DONE.

MICHELLE.

>> RUMBLE IN THE ALL WHITE MAN

JUNGLE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT'S A LOT OF WHITE

PEOPLE THERE.

YES, MOSHE KASHER.

>> THUNDERDUMB: TWO MEN ENTER,

ONE MAN'S AN IDIOT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IT'S TIME TO START

TODAY'S INTERNET HEADLINES,

IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

JOURNALISTS FROM ALL OVER THE

WORLD ARE TWEETING ABOUT THE

CRAPPY CONDITIONS AT THE

FACILITIES AT THE SOCHI

OLYMPICS.

STACY ST. CLAIRE, A "CHICAGO

TRIBUNE" REPORTER, TWEETED

"MY HOTEL HAS NO WATER.

IF RESTORED, THE FRONT DESK

SAYS..."

WHAT DID THE SOCHI FRONT DESK

TELL HER TO DO IF THE WATER'S

RESTORED?

A) DO NOT USE ON YOUR FACE

BECAUSE IT CONTAINS SOMETHING

VERY DANGEROUS.

(LAUGHTER)

B) FILL ANY CONTAINER YOU HAVE

ASAP.

C) IF IT COMES OUT OF THE SINK,

THAT'S NOT WATER.

MOSHE.

>> I WOULD SAY FILL IN ANY

CONTAINER YOU HAVE ASAP.

>> Chris: THAT'S THE ANSWER YOU

WOULD HOPE IT WOULD BE.

IT WAS ACTUALLY, A, DO NOT USE

ON YOUR FACE.

ACTUALLY, HERE'S THE PROOF OF

THAT.

"DO NOT USE ON YOUR FACE BECAUSE

IT CONTAINS SOMETHING VERY

DANGEROUS."

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, THE

WATER DID EVENTUALLY START

WORKING AND THIS IS WHAT IT

LOOKED LIKE.

WHOOPS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> BROWN VODKA!

>> Chris: WHAT WOULD BE THE

FIRST LINE OF YOUR TRIPADVISOR

REVIEW OF THIS PARTICULAR HOTEL?

MOSHE.

>> BED BUGS ON THE BED, CHOLERA

IN THE WATER, BUT THANK GOD

THEY'VE TAKEN CARE OF THE REAL

PROBLEM: THE CREEPING SCOURGE OF

RUSSIAN HOMOSEXUALITY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: WELL, YEAH, THANK YOU.

POINTS, MOSHE.

>> REAL NICE.

>> Chris: THIS NEXT QUESTION, I

AM SO THRILLED THAT WE'RE ABLE

TO TALK ABOUT.

THIS IS A VIDEO OF A VERY

EXCITED KID NAMED SIR FEDORA,

WHO'S BEEN A TOP STORY ON

REDDIT ALL DAY, ORIGINALLY

POSTED BY DRAGONBOLTS.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS KID, HE'S

GREAT.

>> THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.

THAT'D SEND ME THROUGH THE ROOF

OF MY HOUSE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

SIR FEDORA IS VERY EXCITED ABOUT

SOMETHING.

WHAT IS HE EXCITED ABOUT?

IS IT A) A NEW FEDORA HE JUST

BOUGHT?

OF COURSE.

B) FINDING OUT THAT THE SEATTLE

SEAHAWKS MASCOT IS A REAL

SEAHAWK.

C) GETTING ONE LIKE ON A YOUTUBE

VIDEO.

MICHELLE.

>> AW, I'M GOING TO SAY GETTING

THE ONE LIKE.

>> Chris: GETTING THE ONE LIKE

ON THE YOUTUBE VIDEO IS THE

CORRECT ANSWER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HE WAS SO SWEET AND ADORABLE AND

GENUINELY ENTHUSIASTIC, LET'S

SEE MORE OF HIM.

>> WE DID IT.

WE HIT THE ONE LIKE.

I KNOW THAT YOU GUYS ARE GOING

TO BE LIKE, "DUDE, IT'S JUST ONE

LIKE," BUT IT'S STILL AWESOME

THAT I KNOW THAT YOU GUYS ARE

THERE.

EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE NOT THERE,

YOU'RE THERE.

♪ CAME IN LIKE

A WRECKING BALL... ♪

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

>> Chris: THIS KID IS MY SPIRIT

ANIMAL!

I LOVE HIM.

AND WE LOVE THAT THE INTERNET

COLLECTIVELY PUT ON ITS DECENT

HUMAN BEING PANTS AND CELEBRATED

HIM BECAUSE THIS VIDEO HAS OVER

76,000 LIKES NOW.

SEE, WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS AFTER

ALL.

SO WE CONTACTED THE YOUNG MAN

VIA SKYPE EARLIER, BECAUSE TRUTH

BE TOLD THIS SHOW IS ACTUALLY

WAY PAST HIS BEDTIME.

SO HIS DAD SAID HE COULD DO THE

SHOW, BUT HE'S GOT TO DO IT A

LITTLE BIT EARLIER.

SO TAKE A LOOK.

WE DID THIS DURING REHEARSAL.

SIR FEDORA, WE ARE THRILLED TO

HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.

THANK YOU FOR BEING ON

"@MIDNIGHT."

>> THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME.

>> Chris: SO FIRST OF ALL, I

JUST WANT TO FIGURE OUT LIKE

WHAT THE-- BECAUSE YOUR TWITTER

HANDLE IS SIR FEDORA, BUT YOUR

NAME ON TWITTER IS MR. FEDORA.

SO WHEN DID YOU GET PROMOTED TO

KNIGHTHOOD?

>> PROBABLY WHEN I HIT, LIKE, 40

FOLLOWERS.

>> Chris: SO WHEN YOU GOT 40

FOLLOWERS.

SIR FEDORA, YOU'RE KIND OF A

HOUSEHOLD INTERNET NAME AT THIS

POINT.

IS THAT BLOWING-- ARE YOU ABLE

TO CONTAIN YOUR BRAIN WITHIN THE

FEDORA AT THIS POINT?

>> YEAH, THIS WHOLE TIME HAS

BEEN RIDICULOUS, JUST HAVING ALL

THIS.

IT'S BEEN AWESOME.

>> Chris: IS THERE-- I DON'T

WANT TO GET TOO PERSONAL-- BUT

IS THERE A MRS. FEDORA RIGHT

NOW?

>> NO.

>> Chris: NOT YET.

BUT SOMEWHERE--

>> YEAH, YEAH, BUT NOT NOW.

>> Chris: NOW, BECAUSE YOU ARE

SIR FEDORA, YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE

FEDORA THAT WE ALL MUST BOW TO

AND WE APPRECIATE THIS ABOUT

YOU, TO HONOR THAT, WE ARE GOING

TO SEND YOU A VERY SPECIAL

@MIDNIGHT FEDORA.

>> YES!

>> Chris: YES!

>> OH MY GOODNESS!

>> Chris: DUDE, IT'S NEW FEDORA

TIME!

>> SO COOL!

>> Chris: SO TO END THIS

SEGMENT, IS THERE ANYTHING THAT

YOU WANT TO SAY TO PEOPLE?

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THE

PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY DONE THIS

TO ME, AND IT'S BEEN AWESOME.

SO THANK YOU, EVERYONE.

>> Chris: SIR FEDORA, I TIP MY

FEDORA TO YOU AND HOPEFULLY

WE'LL SEE MORE OF YOU IN THE

FUTURE.

>> THANK YOU, GOOD SIR.

>> Chris: TAKE CARE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"THE LEGO MOVIE" HITS THEATERS

THIS WEEKEND, SO IN HONOR OF

LEGO'S BIG DAY, WE'RE GOING TO

TAKE TOYS DOWN A PEG, FINALLY.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS #SADTOYS.

#SADTOYS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

WELL, HANG ON.

SOME EXAMPLES MIGHT BE

"STARVING, STARVING HIPPOS."

(LAUGHTER)

THERE'S NO BALLS ON THE THING.

YOU'RE JUST...

THEY JUST GET SLOWER UNTIL THEY

STOP.

(LAUGHTER)

"BOTCHED OPERATION" WOULD BE

AN EXAMPLE OF ONE, OR "OPTIMUS

SUBPRIME MORTGAGE CRISIS"

FOR THE PARENTS.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK.

READY, SET, GO.

MICHELLE.

>> SLIP AND SLIDE INTO ONCOMING

TRAFFIC.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

VERY SAD, YES, INDEED.

MOSHE KASHER.

>> DREIDELS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHAT!

YOU MADE IT OUT OF CLAY!

CLAY IS FUN, BUT POINTS.

SEAN PATTON.

>> MISCONNECT 4.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> TICKLE ME WOODY ALLEN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH, MAN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M SO MAD I HAVE TO GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT.

POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> SHOOT THEMSELVES AND LADDERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MOSHE.

>> G.I. JOE P.T.S.D. EDITION.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, SEAN.

>> AMPUTEE TWISTER.

(LAUGHTER)

GHOST ARM, BLUE!

>> Chris: THAT IS THE SADDEST

IMAGE I'VE EVER PUT IN MY BRAIN

BEFORE.

THEREFORE, IT FALLS UNDER THE

RULES AND GETS YOU POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> MY LITTLE LONELY.

>> Chris: OH!

POINTS.

YES, SEAN.

(BUZZER)

DO IT ANYWAY.

>> MAGIC 8 BALL, THE COKEHEAD

EDITION.

(LAUGHTER)

AM I GONNA BE RICH?

ARE YOU A COP?

(LAUGHTER)

BOYFRIENDS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE TUMBLR "SAD ETSY BOYFRIENDS"

IS INCREDIBLE

BECAUSE IT DISPLAYS VERY

COMMITTED BUT TRAGIC BOYFRIENDS

WHO ARE BEING USED AS PROPS BY

THEIR ETSY-PEDDLING GIRLFRIENDS.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW

YOU A BOYFRIEND.

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU HAVE TO TELL

ME THEIR INNER MONOLOGUE.

ALL RIGHT?

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

THIS LITTLE EMO IN EYE SHADOW.

YES, MOSHE.

>> THEY CALL ME JACK-OFF

SPARROW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT.

>> I LIKE-- WAIT.

"RRRRR YOU MAD AT ME?"

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HOW ABOUT THIS SHELL-SHOCKED

HIPSTER?

(LAUGHTER)

YES, SEAN.

>> ME DON'T LIKE BEING A GAY

RASTA TRAPPED IN THE BODY OF A

AMBIGUOUS WHITE MALE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

>> I FEEL LIKE THAT DUDE KNITTED

THAT CAP OUT OF HIS OWN HYMEN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH, I HATE YOU, THAT'S

SO GOOD.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A GUY.

WHEN I SAW IT, I WAS LIKE, "OOH,

ELLEN DeGENERES GOT HERSELF A

HAT."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

POINTS FOR HYMEN, POINTS FOR

ELLEN DeGENERES.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS VAGUELY ETHNIC SEVERUS

SNAPE.

YES, SEAN.

>> MY MOTHER WAS THE ONLY WOMAN

TO GET PREGNANT VIA ANAL SEX.

(LAUGHTER)

>> OH, MAN!

>> I JUST GOT A CRAMP.

>> Chris: I THINK THAT'S WHAT

HAPPENED TO SNAPE, TOO.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

>> THERE IS NO DEFENSE AGAINST

THE DORK ARTS.

>> Chris: OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOU,

POINTS.

MICHELLE, ANY REBUTTAL?

>> YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW HE'S ALL

"I AM THE DAVID BECKHAM OF THE

RENAISSANCE FAIR."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS!

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

LOOK AT THIS HUMAN EARRING RACK.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

YES, MOSHE.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD BE

BULLIED OUT OF BURNING MAN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS, MOSHE KASHER.

SO WELL DONE.

>> I HATE THIS GUY SO MUCH.

>> WHY?

>> Chris: HE HATES HIM, TOO.

LOOK AT HIS FACE.

>> I FEEL LIKE HE'S LIVING HIS

TRUTH, THIS GUY.

HE'S LIKE, "SUBWAY MUSICIANS ARE

REAL MUSICIANS, TOO."

HE'S GOT SOUL.

REDFLAG!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANKS TO ONLINE DATING, WITH

THE CLICK OF A BUTTON, THOUSANDS

OF SINGLES HAVE FOUND THEIR

BETTER HALF, AND WITH THE SIMPLE

CLICK OF A BUTTON, COUNTLESS

MORE HAVE FELT DISTURBED AND

VIOLATED.

SOME VERY REAL ACTUAL OKCUPID

USER NAMES INCLUDE

"1GREATDAD69".

AND "T3STEDN3GATIVE," WITH

"3"s FOR TWO OF THE "E"s.

(LAUGHTER)

AND "TAMPONNINJA."

(LAUGHTER)

>> CAN I GET POINTS FOR JUST

BEING OFFENDED?

>> Chris: YES, I'LL GIVE YOU 100

POINTS FOR BEING OFFENDED.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THEY'RE APOLOGY POINTS, YOU

GUYS!

ALL RIGHT, COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU

TO RING IN WITH SOME BRAND NEW

RED FLAG DATING USER NAMES.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK, AND GO.

YES, MOSHE.

>> THE REAL GEORGE ZIMMERMAN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I'M UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT

POINTS.

YES, SEAN.

>> GOTH-A-RHEA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT'S WHERE YOU CAN'T

STOP (BLEEP) EYELINER?

>> OR YOUR GONORRHEA GOTH?

>> Chris: GOOD, POINTS,

EXCELLENT.

MICHELLE.

>> GREEN CARD 69.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THAT'S HOW I GOT MARRIED.

>> Chris: MOSHE.

>> @NERDIST.

>> Chris: OH, DAMN, WHAT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE AUDIENCE RESPONDED WELL.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR IT.

I'M NOT ABOVE THE LAW HERE.

MICHELLE.

>> TOO MANY KIDS TO COUNT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WITH TWOS FOR THE--

YEAH, POINTS FOR SURE.

SEAN.

>> CUTTER WITH NO "E."

(LAUGHTER)

WITH AN "E" I'D CONSIDER IT,

BUT NO "E."

>> Chris: THEY'RE UNCOMFORTABLE

WITH IT, I THINK IT'S HILARIOUS.

POINTS.

MY SHOW, MY RULES.

MOSHE.

>> 9/11 ANAL TRUTHER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT IS A LOT OF DARK

WORDS IN THERE.

POINTS.

YES, MICHELLE.

>> A WARM MOUTH IS A WARM MOUTH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: IT IS, THOUGH!

POINTS.

SEAN.

>> C-SECTION 8.

(LAUGHTER)

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