Pete Holmes, Hannibal Buress, Matt McCarthy, Janeane Garofalo

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 01/22/2010

Pete Holmes can't tell when an apartment is haunted, Hannibal Buress judges babies who are bad at time management, and Janeane Garofalo gets more done with Spanx.

TO BE ONTHE RECEIVING END

OF ONE OF THE MOST HEROICACTS OF FRIENDSHIP

I'VE EVER HEARD OF.

WHEN I FIRST CAME HERETO AMERICA,

I DIDN'T KNOW ANYONE HERE.

AND MY BEST FRIEND, DAN,COULD SEE THAT I WAS UPSET,

BEFORE I LEFT ENGLAND,AND HE SAID,

"I BOUGHT YOUTHIS TEDDY BEAR.

"DON'T SQUEEZE HIS TUMMY

UNTIL YOU GET TO YOURNEW APARTMENT IN NEW YORK."

SO I FLEW TO THIS STRANGECITY IN A STRANGE LAND,

AND IT WAS VERY HOT THATSUMMER.

AS A BRITISH PERSON,I'M JUST NOT EQUIPPED

TO DEAL WITH THOSEKIND OF TEMPERATURES,

EITHER PHYSICALLYOR EMOTIONALLY.

(laughter)

AND I UNPACKED MY THINGS,AND I FELT VERY ROOTLESS

AND LOST AND ALONE,

AND THERE AT THE BOTTOMOF THE CASE

WAS THE TEDDY BEAR.

AND I PICKED HIM UP...

AND I GAZEDINTO HIS BUTTON EYES,

AND I SQUEEZED HIM, I DID,I'M NOT ASHAMED TO SAY THAT,

I SQUEEZED HIM IN THE TUMMYAND...

(laughter)

AND THESE ARE THE EXACT WORDSTHAT BEAR SAID TO ME,

HE SAID,"YOU WILL DIE ON YOUR OWN,

IN A DARK, COLD ROOM."

(laughter and applause)

AND I HAVE NEVER LOVEDMY FRIEND DAN

LIKE I LOVED HIMIN THAT MOMENT,

MAINLY BECAUSE I KNOWHOW THOSE BEARS ARE MADE.

YOU RECORD THE PERSONALIZEDMESSAGE INTO THE LITTLE BOX

AND THEN YOU TAKE ITOVER TO THE TEDDY BEAR MAN

WHO THEN TESTS IT TO CHECKIT'S WORKING,

BEFORE SEWING ITINTO THE BEAR'S STOMACH.

SO I KNEW THERE HAD TO BETHAT MOMENT

BETWEEN MY FRIEND DANAND THE TEDDY BEAR MAN...

(laughter)

AS HE PRESSED THE BUTTON,LISTENED TO THE MESSAGE,

AND THEN JUST STARED AT HIM...

(laughter)

WITH A INSTINCTIVE DECISIONTO MAKE--

WAS THIS A MAVERICK ACTOF FRIENDSHIP,

OR WAS THIS A SERIAL KILLER?

(laughter)

AND I KNOW WHAT MY FRIENDDAN LOOKS LIKE.

AND HE TOOK A GAMBLETHAT DAY...(laughter)

NOT AN INSIGNIFICANT GAMBLE.

LIKE I AM OCCASIONALLY,YOU GET HEROIC SENTENCES

SPEWED AT YOU BY STRANGERSIN THE STREETS.

WELL, BACK HERE--RIGHT HEREIN NEW YORK,

THIS GUY CAME UP TO MEAND HE SAID,

"I LOVE THE DAILY SHOW."

AND I SAID, THANK YOU."

AND AGAIN,THAT COULD HAVE BEEN IT.

BUT, NO.

HE HAD SOMETHING SPECIALBREWING IN HIS FACE.

HE SAID TO ME--I PROMISE YOU THIS IS TRUE.

HE SAID, "I IMAGINE YOU SPENDYOUR WHOLE DAY AT WORK

SITTING AROUND THE OFFICE,SNORTING COCAINE

OF A PENGUIN'S BEAK."

(laughter)

WHERE TO BEGIN?

FIRST,THAT IS NOT A PHRASE.

SECONDLY,I'VE NEVER TAKEN COCAINE,

NOR DO I INTEND TO, BUT FROMWHAT I KNOW OF THAT DRUG,

SNORTING IT OFFA PENGUIN'S BEAK,

WOULD BE ONE OF THE WORSTIMAGINABLE WAYS

TO IMBIBETHAT SUBSTANCE.

PENGUINS ARE EASILYSTARTLED CREATURES...

(laughter)

LIABLE TO PANIC IF A STRANGEHUMAN BEING LUNGES TOWARDS THEM

NOSE-FIRST,BEFORE WADDLING BACK

TO THEIR NATURAL HABITAT,WATER,

WHICH IS PRETTY MUCHKRYPTONITE TO POWDER.

(laughter)

ALSO I'VE NEVER OWNEDA PENGUIN.

NOR DO I INTEND TO.

BUT IF I'M EVER GIVENTHE SACRED RESPONSIBILITY

OF BEING CUSTODIAN OF ONEOF THOSE FLIGHTLESS BIRDS,

I WILL LOVE THAT PENGUIN!(laughter)

I WILL NOT SEEITS PRIMARY PURPOSE

AS BEING A BALANCING POINTFOR CLASS "A" NARCOTICS.

(cheers and applause)

ON FACEBOOK.

IT SAID, "HEY, MAN,LET ME KNOW NEXT TIME

"YOU HAVE A SHOW IN CHICAGO.

I DON'T REMEMBER YOU BEINGTHAT FUNNY IN HIGH SCHOOL."

(laughter)

"I'M CURIOUS."(laughter)

I WROTE HIM BACK.

"HEY, MAN...

I DON'T REMEMBER YOU AT ALL."

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

SO I GOT NEPHEWS AND NIECES.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND,MY NEPHEW'S ALWAYS CRYING.

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, WHY YOU CRYING?YOUR LIFE IS GREAT.

"ALL YOU DO IS EAT APPLESAUCEAND TAKE DUMPS.

THAT'S YOUR DAY."

(laughter)

MY SISTER'S LIKE,

"HANNIBAL, HE'S CRYINGBECAUSE HE'S SLEEPY."

I'M LIKE, "WHY DOESN'T HE JUSTGO TO SLEEP THEN?"

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DOWHEN I'M SLEEPY.

I JUST GO TO SLEEP.

I DON'T STAY AWAKE, LIKE,"I'M SO SLEEPY!

"I'M SO SLEEPY AND EXHAUSTED!I'M SO TIRED RIGHT NOW!

WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT THIS?"

HEY, MAN, JUST GO TO SLEEP.

BECAUSE, RIGHT NOW,YOU'RE WASTING TIME

YOU COULD BE SPENDING SLEEPINGWITH YOUR CRYING.

WHY AREN'T YOU A MOREPRACTICAL BABY?

I THINK THIS BABY'S REALLYHORRIBLE AT TIME MANAGEMENT.

(laughter)

HE HAS TO LEARN TO MANAGEHIS TIME MORE EFFECTIVELY.

MY NIECE IS 4.

SHE'S VERY SMART,TOO SMART FOR HER OWN GOOD.

SHE WAS COLORING ONE DAY,AND I TRIED TO CONNECT WITH HER

ON LIKE A COLORING LEVEL.

(laughter)

I GRABBED THE RED CRAYON,PUT A LITTLE RED ON THE PAPER.

I GRABBED THE BLUE CRAYON,PUT A LITTLE BLUE

ON THE RED, I WAS LIKE,

"LOOK, PAYTON,RED AND BLUE MAKES PURPLE."

SHE WAS LIKE,

"I GOT A PURPLECRAYON RIGHT HERE."

(laughter)

LIKE, TOUCHé.

THAT WAS THE DUMBESTI EVER FELT IN LIFE.

AND A 4-YEAR-OLD DID IT.

(laughter)

BUT I'M A VISIONARY.

(laughter)

AND I TELL YOU WHAT WE NEEDIN AMERICA RIGHT NOW.

WE NEED A NEW FAMOUSBLIND GUY.

WE NEED A NEW FAMOUS BLIND GUY.I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE RAY CHARLES DIED.

STEVIE WONDER MAY ONLY HAVE15 YEARS LEFT OR SOMETHING,

AND WHEN HE DIES,WE GONNA BE OUT OF LUCK

FOR REFERENCES, METAPHORS,AND ANALOGIES.

THAT'S WHY I GOT MY OWNBLIND GUY, MET HIM AT THE STORE,

AND HE LET ME USE HIS NAME.

SO NOW IF I'M ATA BASKETBALL GAME,

I'M LIKE, "REF,THAT WAS A FOUL!

SIMON WILSON COULD HAVESEEN THAT."

EVERYBODY LIKE,"WHO THE HELL IS SIMON WILSON?"

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S THE NEXTBIG BLIND GUY.

"YOU DON'T KNOWABOUT SIMON WILSON?

"HE MADE THE LIST OF THE TOPTEN BLIND GUYS

YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUTTHIS YEAR."

WHEN YOUR HAIRCUTIS MESSED UP,

"WHAT?IS SIMON WILSON YOUR BARBER?"

(laughter)

"WHO THE HELLIS SIMON WILSON?!"

(laughter)

I JUST GOT THIS NEWOFFICE JOB,

AND IT'S WEIRD WORKING INAN OFFICE,

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOWHOW MANY TIMES

I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY HELLOTO PEOPLE THROUGHOUT THE DAY.

(laughter)

'CAUSE I KEEP SEEINGTHE SAME PEOPLE.

I'M LIKE,"I SAW YOU 45 MINUTES AGO.

"SHOULD I SAY HELLO OR SHOULDI JUST GRUMBLE UNDER MY BREATH?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."

I JUST MADE MY RULE--

IF I SAY HELLO TOYOU THREE TIMES ON MONDAY,

I'LL SAY NOTHINGTO YOU ON TUESDAY.

YOU'RE HELLOED OUTFOR THE WEEK.

(laughter)

IT'S GREAT, WE GOT INTERNSAT THE JOB,

YOU CAN JUST TELL THEMTO DO STUFF.

YOU GOT TO BE NICE, THOUGH,

I HAD THIS CAT FAX SOMETHING.I HAND HIM A COUPLE OF PAGES.

AND I'M HANDING HIMANOTHER PAGE,

I SAY, "HEY, MAN, FAXSOMETHING FOR YOURSELF, TOO."

THAT'S THE TYPE OF GUY I AM.I'M A NICE GUY.

SOMETIMES SHE'LL WALKAROUND OUR PLACE MAD.

I WON'T KNOW WHY SHE'S MAD,JUST WALKING AROUND MAD.

I DON'T PLAY THOSE GAMES,SO I'LL JUST TRIP HER.

(laughter)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE WAS MADABOUT BEFORE,

BUT I DEFINITELY KNOW SHE WASMAD THAT I JUST TRIPPED HER.

SO MAYBE NOW SHE'LL OPEN UPWHILE SHE'S ICING HER KNEE.

(laughter)

HOW MANY TIMESCAN YOU TRIP YOUR GIRL

BEFORE IT BECOMESDOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

(laughter)

YOU GOT TO MAKE SUREIT'S A CLEAR SPACE

NO TABLES AROUND,YOU DON'T WANT...

ANYTHING BAD TO HAPPEN.

SOMETIMES I COME HOME LATE,LIKE, 3:00 A.M.

AND SHE GETS MAD,AND I'M LIKE,

"YOU KNOW I WANTED TO BE OUTTILL 3:00.

"I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING BAD.

"I WAS JUST HANGING OUTTILL 3:00,

"LIKE, YOU REALIZE,I COULD, LIKE, MURDER SOMEBODY

AND STILL MAKE IT HOMEAT 7:00."

(laughter)

SO I JUST STARTED MAKING UPSTUFF FOR WHERE I WAS.

"WHERE WERE YOU?YOU CAME HOME..."

"I WAS HAVING A HIGH-STAKESDICE GAME WITH SCOTT BAIO."

(laughter)

"THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.

I HIT HIM FOR 5 Gs.HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP!"

(laughter)

HE'S GOT A PROBLEM."

"WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU DO

IF I STAYED OUT TILL 3:00IN THE MORNING?"

"WELL, I'D PLAY VIDEO GAMESAND CELEBRATE YOUR ABSENCE."

(laughter)

I JUST--I LIVE HEREIN NEW YORK CITY.

(cheers and applause)YEAH.

I LIVE IN BUSHWICK.I LIVE IN BUSHWICK.

(cheers)

TRUE. OKAY.WELCOME, BROTHERS.

(laughter)

I'D SAY EAST WILLIAMSBURGBUT I'M NOT LISTING IT

ON CRAIGSLIST JUST YET.(laughter)

NOT YET!

I LOVE LIVINGIN NEW YORK CITY, THOUGH.

ANY PART OF THE CITY,ANY BIG CITY, REALLY.

BECAUSE THERE'S SO MANYPEOPLE IN THE CITY.

SO MUCH HAPPENING,

THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO TELLIF YOUR APARTMENT IS HAUNTED...

(laughter)

THINK ABOUT THAT.THAT'S TRUE.

'CAUSE YOU CAN HEAR ANYTHINGAT ANY HOUR.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHINGTO BLAME IT ON.

IT CAN BE MIDNIGHT,

HEAR SOMEONE WALKINGAROUND MOANING WITH CHAINS.

(laughter)

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "AHH!

OLD MAN ROSENTHAL!"

(laughter)

OUT FOR ONE OF HIS KINKYMIDNIGHT CHAIN WALKS.

IT CAN BE ANYTHING,THE WALLS CAN BE ON FIRE,

THINGS FLYING AROUND THE ROOM,WINDOWS BREAKING,

JUST LIKE, "OH,PUERTO RICO WON."

THEN I GO BACK TO BED.(laughter)

(applause)

GO BACK TO SLEEP.

FESTIVE GROUP.

(laughter)

I WAS FEELING A LITTLE LOWENERGY BEFORE THE SHOW.

I HAD AN ENERGY DRINK.I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SEEN THIS.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY HAVE5 HOUR ENERGY?

THEY GOT A NEW ONE NOWCALLED 6 HOUR POWER.

RIGHT NEXT TO IT, JUST LIKE,"SCREW YOU, 5 HOUR ENERGY!

"YOU NEED 6 HOURS,

"60 MORE MINUTESOF ALERTNESS!

"THAT LAST HOURWHEN YOU'RE TIRED,

"YOU'RE GONNA GET VIOLATEDBY A YETI!

"YOU NEED 6 HOURS OF POWER

TO WARD OFF HIS WOODLANDADVANCES!"

(laughter)

I WAS GONNA TRY IT.I'M BEING HONEST WITH YOU.

I WAS GONNA TRY IT,REACH FOR IT, HAND TREMBLING.

UNTIL I SAW ON THE PACKAGEIT SAID, "2.5 TIMES STRONGER

THAN RED BULL."

(nervous laughter)YEAH.

WHO WAS DRINKINGRED BULL...

LIKE, YEAH...

PRETTY STRONG.

(laughter)

BUT THEY COULD KICKTHIS UP 2--

NAY.

2 AND A HALF MORE TIMES.

(laughter and applause)

'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE PARANOIAAND DIARRHEA IMMEDIATELY.

I'M LOOKING FOR FIRST SIP--SOIL MYSELF...(laughter)

THINK THAT GUY'S A NAZI.

THAT'S THE KIND OF PERFORMANCEI'M LOOKING FOR...

IN AN ENERGY DRINK.

I'M WAITING FOR THE NEXT ONE,JUST--

7 HOURULTIMATE FACE ORGASM!

"DRINK IT,YOU SLEEPY BITCH!"

RIGHT ON THE PACKAGE.WHY?

WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING TO USTHIS WAY?

(laughter)

BUT DO YOU THINK IN THE VERYFIRST MEETING OF THE KKK

ANYONE PUSHED FOR THE CORRECTSPELLING OF "CLAN"?

(laughter)

JUST SOME GUY IN THE BACKWITH A TORCH

DRIVING THEM CRAZY,LIKE...

"IT'S KKC!"THEN THEY GET HIM.

THEY'RE GONNA GET HIM FOR THAT.

I JUST LIKE THE IDEA OF A GUYWHO HATES BAD SPELLING

AND PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT.(laughter)

(applause)

YOU GUYS ARE NICE.IN PENNSYLVANIA--

YOU KNOW,A LIFELONG DREAM OF MINE

IS TO GO INTO AN AMISHNEIGHBORHOOD

AND JUST GO UP TO A AMISH CHILDAND SHOW THEM "STAR WARS,"

LIKE, "THIS IS HAPPENING!"JUST RUN AWAY.

(laughter)

YOU'RE LIKE, "THIS IS REAL!OUT THERE, HA-HA!"

BUSHES, NIGHTFALL.

HE'S LIKE, "I COULD HAVEA LIGHTSABER."

BUTTER,HE'S BACK TO THE BUTTER.

(laughter)

SILLY.

TECHNOLOGY CAN BE WEIRD,THOUGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN GETTINGA LOT OF IS PHANTOM VIBRATIONS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKINGABOUT?

WHERE I'LL BE ON MY CELL PHONE,BUT I FEEL IN MY POCKET LIKE--

(imitates vibrating phone)

(laughter)

HOLD ON.

I THINK I BOUGHTANOTHER PHONE.

(laughter)

NOPE.

IT WAS MY LEG.

AND WE JUST ACCEPT THAT.

WE'RE LIKE,"IT WAS YOUR LEG VIBRATING

"AS UNTO A CELL PHONE?

"STOP THE INVESTIGATION.THAT MAKES SENSE."

THAT'S WEIRD.

WHAT'S EVEN WEIRDERIS THERE WAS A TIME

BEFORE WE HAD CELL PHONESWHEN WE WERE GETTING THOSE.

10, 15 YEARS AGO,IT'D JUST BE LIKE--

(imitates vibrating phone)

I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GUESS...

AS TO WHAT THAT COULD BE.

THAT MAKES ME THINK.

WHAT PHYSICAL QUIRKSARE WE GETTING NOW

THAT WILL CORRESPOND TO FUTURETECHNOLOGIES NOT YET INVENTED?

LIKE IN THE FUTURE,EVERY TIME YOU GET AN EYE TWITCH

ARE YOU GONNA BE LIKE,"OH... THOUGHT I JUST DOWNLOADED

"THE FIRST SEASON OF'EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND'...

(laughter)

"ONTO MY DIGITALCONTACT LENS.

"THAT WAS A PHANTOM.IT'S A PHANTOM.

"BUT THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.I'M GONNA DO THAT.

ACTIVATE!"THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT.

"ACTIVATE!"

(imitates Ray Romano)"OH, YEAH!"

THE SOUND COMES OUTYOUR MOUTH FOR NO REASON.

(cheers and applause)

(cheers)

THE POLITE THING TO DO,YES.

YOU GUYS LIKE THE BAND KISS?(cheers)

YEAH? ALL RIGHT.

'CAUSE I WISH I COULDHAVE BEEN THERE,

BEEN A LITTLE FLY ON THE WALLWHEN THEY SAT DOWN,

LOOKED EACH OTHER INTHE EYES AND HAD A MEETING

AND SAID, "FROM NOW ON

"WE'RE GONNA WEAR MAKEUPON OUR FACES

AND BE CRAZY CHARACTERSON STAGE."

'CAUSE I IMMEDIATELY--

I ASSUME IMMEDIATELY WHENPAUL STANLEY PITCHED THE IDEA

WITHOUT ANY HESITATIONOR REGARD, PETER CRISS GOES,

"I CALL CAT!"

(laughter)

"CALLED IT,"AND THEN ACE FREHLEY SAYS,

(English accent)"ALL RIGHT, PAUL,

WELL, HERE'S WHAT I WANTTO BE."

(normal voice)'CAUSE IN MY MIND,

FOR SOME REASON,THEY'RE ENGLISH,(laughter)

I DON'T KNOW WHY.I'VE NO IDEA WHY.

THEY'RE FROM NEW YORK CITY.

THEY HAVE OBNOXIOUSBROOKLYN ACCENTS.

BUT IN MY BRAIN,THEY'RE FROM JOLLY OLD LONDON.

(English accent) "HI,WHAT'S HAPPENING? WE'RE KISS.

WE'RE GONNA ROCK AND ROLLFOR YOU, THREE, FOUR."

SO ACE FREHLEY SAYS,

(English accent)"ALL RIGHT, PAUL,

"WELL, HERE'S WHATI WANT TO BE.

"I WANT TO BE A STARTHAT CAME DOWN FROM HEAVEN

"WITH A GUITAR TO PLAYROCK AND ROLL FOR EVERYONE.

"SO THAT'S WHAT I'LL BE.

"I'LL BE A STARTHAT CAME FROM HEAVEN,

WANT TO PLAY ROCK AND ROLLFOR EVERYONE."

(normal voice)AND THEN PAUL STANLEY SAID,

(English accent)"WELL, NO, ACTUALLY, ACE,

"YOU CAN'T BE A STAR,

"I'M ALREADY GOING TO BETHE STAR.

"I HAD THE IDEA BEFORETHE MEETING.

"I CAME UP WITH MY CHARACTER,THE STAR CHILD,

"AND THAT'S WHY I CAME HEREFOR THE REST OF YOU

SO YOU CAN CATCH UPAND GET YOUR OWN CHARACTERS."

"WELL, THAT'S NOT FAIR,PAUL.

"THAT'S NOT FAIR.

"YOU SAID WE COULD BEWHATEVER WE WANTED.

HE SCREAMED OUT 'CAT.'"(laughter)

"AND I'LL BE DAMNED

IF HE'S NOT GONNA BEA BLOODY CAT ON STAGE."

"WELL, NO ACTUALLY, I HADTHE IDEA, LIKE I SAID,

"I'D BE THE STAR CHILD.

"YOU CAN BEANY OTHER CHARACTER YOU WANT.

SO PICK ANYTHING ELSEYOU WANT, ACE."

"OH, ALL RIGHT, PAUL, ALL RIGHT,HERE'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO THEN.

"HERE'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

"I'M GONNA BETHE SPACE ACE, PAUL.

"SPACE, PAUL.SPACE.

"THAT'S ALL THE STARS,PAUL.

THAT'S ALL THE STARS."(applause)

"SO IF I'M SPACEAND YOU'RE A STAR,

"THEN YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE,BITTY BIT OF ME,

AND I'M BETTER THAN YOUAND YOU...SUCK."

(laughter)

(normal voice) AND GENE SIMMONSWASN'T AT THE MEETING.

BECAUSE EVEN IN THOSE EARLYDAYS, PRE-MAKEUP,

HE WAS STILL TOO BUSYHAVING SEX

WITH THE GROUPIEIN THE NEXT ROOM.

(laughter)

GO BACK IN TIME,AND YOU COULD SEE

ANY BAND YOU WANT,WHAT BAND WOULD YOU SEE?

PINK FLOYD.LED ZEPPELIN.

DOORS.BEATLES.

A LOT OF PEOPLEALWAYS SAY THE BEATLES.

THE NUMBER-ONE BAND I WOULD NOTGET INTO A TIME MACHINE

AND SEE...(laughter)

IS THE BEATLES.

NO THANKS.

THIS WOULD BE MEAT ANY BEATLES CONCERT

ANYWHERE IN HISTORY.

SHH, SHH, WOULD YOUSHH, WILL YOU ALL JUST SHH--

WILL YOU ALLJUST SHUT THE...UP!

STOP IT!

YOU KNOW THEY'RE GONNA STOPPLAYING SHOWS

BECAUSE OF YOU GIRLS!

(laughter)

JUST WATCH AND LISTEN,PLEASE!

(laughter)

YOU KNOW,I'M FROM THE FUTURE.

RINGO'S GONNA BETHE LAST ONE ALIVE!

(applause)

BETWEEN MUSICIANSAND COMEDIANS.

BECAUSE I RECORDED A COMEDY CD.

PART OF ME FEELS LIKE I CAN'TDO ANY OF THOSE JOKES ANYMORE

'CAUSE THEY'RE ON THE CD,YOU KNOW?

AND IF SOMEBODY CAMETO THE SHOW

AND THEY HAD THE CD,THEY'D BE LIKE,

"OH, COOL, THIS ISTHE FIRST JOKE IN THE CD.

"THAT'S THE FIRST JOKEHE'S DOIN'.

"I KNOW THIS JOKE.

"YEAH, THIS IS THE SECOND JOKEON THE CD.

"THIS IS THE SECOND JOKEHE'S DOIN'.

"THAT'S WEIRD.

"OKAY, YEAH, THIS IS DEFINITELYTHE THIRD JOKE ON THE CD.

"THIS IS THE THIRD JOKEHE'S DOIN'.

"THIS GUY SUCKS.

"HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY OTHERJOKES BUT THE ONES ON THE CD.

"YEAH, THIS IS THE FOURTH JOKEON THE CD.

"THIS GUY'S A HACK.THIS GUY'S THE WORST.

"I HATE THIS GUY.WISH THIS GUY WOULD DIE.

"THIS GUY SUCKS.I HATE HIM AND HIS HACK CD.

"HONEY, GO GET THE CD OUTOF THE CAR.

"AND I'M GONNA HAVE HIMAUTOGRAPH IT AFTER THE SHOW,

AND I'M GONNA SHOOT HIM IN FRONTOF HIS ASIAN WIFE."

(laughter)

BUT YOU GO SEE A MUSICIANAND PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD,I HOPE HE PLAYS THAT SONG,

"YOU KNOW THE SONG THAT WELISTENED TO 17 TIMES

"ON THE WAY HERE,THAT SONG--

"THE SONG THAT'S THE ONLY SONGTHEY PLAY ON THE RADIO,

"THAT'S THE SONGI WANT TO HEAR.

"I HOPE HE PLAYS THAT SONGEXACTLY THE WAY I KNOW

"HOW HE PLAYS IT.

"IT'S THE SONG THAT THEY PLAYON ALL THE TRAILERS

"FOR ALL THE MOVIES AND ALLTHE PREVIEWS FOR ALL THE SHOWS.

AND WHEN MTV SHOWED VIDEOS,

THIS IS THE ONLY VIDEOTHEY PLAYED.

"OH, MY GOD.HE'S PLAYING THE SONG.

"HE'S PLAYING THE SONG.

"THIS IS THE SONG I WANTEDTO HEAR EXACTLY THE WAY

"IT'S SUPPOSED TO SOUND INMY MIND AND IN MY BRAIN

"AND IN MY CAR,OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD!

THIS IS THE SONG.I LOVE THIS SONG."(applause)

"WHAT IF HE PLAYSTHE WHOLE CD?!

"THIS IS THE NEXT SONGON THE CD!

"WHAT IF HE PLAYS THE WHOLE CDIN ORDER? IN ORDER?

"HE'S PLAYING THE WHOLE CD!

"HE'S PLAYING THE WHOLE CDIN ORDER EXACTLY THE WAY

"IT'S SUPPOSED TO SOUNDLIKE I'M USED TO IT SOUNDING.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HERETO WATCH HIM PLAY THE CD

"THAT I ALREADY OWNAND HAVE LISTENED TO.

"OH, I'M A LUCKY BOY!I'M A LUCKY BOY!

I'M A LUCKY BOY!"(cheers and applause)

I'VE BEEN DOING THISA LOT LATELY.

I'D LIKE TO CHECK WHEREMY TIGHTS ARE.

RIGHT--YEP, RIGHT--(laughter)

ALL THE WAY UP--

ALL THE WAY--ALL THE WAY UP.

IN THIS ECONOMY,DON'T KID YOURSELF,

ALL THE WAY UP.(laughter)

THEY'RE CALLED SPANXWITH AN "X".

AND IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIARWITH SPANX,

IT'S A FOUNDATION GARMENT.

AND, UM, 'CAUSE HERE'S WHAT--HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.

I'M A MIDDLE-AGED LADY,AND AS A MIDDLE-AGED LADY,

I FIND THAT MY BALLS AREDROPPING AT AN ALARMING--(laughter)

AN ALARMING RATE,

AND, YOU KNOW, AS YOU MAYOR MAY NOT KNOW--

SOME OF YOU AREARE SLIGHTLY OLDER--

IT'S LIKE HAVINGA SOUP LADLE DOWN THERE

JUST CLANGING AROUND,AND IN THE DOG DAYS OF AUGUST

SOMETIMES IT STICKSTO THE SIDE OF YOUR LEG,

SO I FIND THAT SOME TALCAND A PAIR OF SPANX,

I GET A LOT MORE DONEIN A DAY.(laughter)

RENEWED VIGOR.

IT'S A--BECAUSE ACTUALLYIT'S--IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW,

JUST, THE SPANX,THEY JUST KIND OF--

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE WHEN THESECOME OFF,

IT'S LIKE A BUNCH OF WATERBALLOONS OR A MELTING CANDLE.(laughter)

IT JUST--IT JUST SORT OFKEEPS ALL YOUR TROOPS

IN ONE FOXHOLE, SO TO SPEAK,AND I LIKE IT THAT WAY.

ABOUT THE SPANX IF YOU DO DECIDETO GO DOWN THAT ROAD,

AND I WOULD ADVISE YOUTO DO SO

BECAUSE IT'S JUST USINGYOUR NOODLE.

I'M ON THE PLANE TO AUSTRALIA,RIGHT?

THAT'S 22 HOURS.

AND PUT IT THIS WAY,AROUND HOUR 21,

I HAD MY SPANX ON,SOME MOVEMENT PANTS, A HOODY,

AND I JUST WASN'T FEELINGAT THE TOP OF MY FRESHNESS GAME.

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE THE LADYI KNEW I COULD BE

WHEN I LANDED IN AUSTRALIA.

AND OUT OF RESPECTFOR AUSTRALIA,

THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH,I WANTED TO BE A LADY.

SO HERE'S WHAT I DID.

HERE'S WHERE'S THE CAUTIONARY,

SLIGHTLY INDELICATE PARTCOMES IN.

I WENT TOTHE AIRPLANE BATHROOM.

I TOOK SOME HAND SANITIZER.I HIT THE KEY AREAS.

WAIT, NOT--IT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

I HIT--I HIT THE KEY AREAS.

I DID NOT TAKE HAND SANITIZERAND TOUCH...ME,

I TOUCHED MY SPANXWITH THE HAND SANITIZER

IN WHAT WOULD BETHE GUSSET AREA.(laughter)

AND I WANT TO TELL YOU WHY."A", IT JUST MAKES SENSE.

I'M A PRAGMATISTIF NOTHING ELSE.

"B", THE SWINE FLU.

IT'S A RESOURCEFUL,RESOURCEFUL VIRUS.

ANY PORTAL OF OPPORTUNITY.WE DON'T KNOW.

SO--(laughter)

WE DON'T KNOW.SO, AGAIN, I'M A LADY.

I'M A LADY.SO I LAND IN AUSTRALIA.

NOW HERE'S THE THING ABOUTPUTTING HAND SANITIZER

IN YOUR SPANX.

IT BURNS.(laughter)

OH, MY GOD.IT BURNS, UH, TERRIBLY.

AND THAT'S AN EVERGREEN BURN.

YOU WON'T SOON FORGETYOU'VE DONE THAT.(laughter)

AND I BELIEVE THAT I WASVICTIMIZED BY A CHEMICAL,

UH, THINGCALLED DEFLAGRATION.

NOW DEFLAGRATION ISA CHEMICAL PROCESS WHEREIN

HEAT IS IGNITED IN A--KIND OF A CLOSED AREA

AND IT PRODUCES A VERY RAPIDAND INTENSE BURN.

YES, IT DOES.AND IT--DEFLAGRATION.

BECAUSE LET'S BE FRANK,

IT'S A BIT OF A PETRI DISHIN THE AREA.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVEA TELSA COIL

AND A BUNSEN BURNERDOWN THERE.(laughter)

IT'S VERY COMPLEX.IT'S LIKE AN ANT FARM.

AND--IN A WAY.

AND SO IT'S AN EVERGREEN BURN,AS I MENTIONED.

YOU'LL--YOU'LL NOT--IT'LL BURNAS YOU PUT YOUR TRAY TABLES UP

AND THE PLANE LANDS.

IT'LL BURN AS YOU WAITFOR YOUR LUGGAGE.

IT'LL BURN AS YOU NEGOTIATEAUSTRALIA MORNING TRAFFIC.

AND I KNEW I COULDN'T GORIGHT TO THE HOTEL.

I HAD TO DO A COUPLE OF RADIOSHOWS BEFORE I GO TO THE HOTEL.

(audience groans)SO--YEAH, EXACTLY.

SO I'M GOING THROUGH IT,AND IT IS ALL-CONSUMING.

IT'S AN ALL-CONSUMING BURN.

SO THEN I GET TOTHE HOTEL FINALLY.

TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF I HAVECRAZY LEGS SYNDROME.

WHAT IS THAT, RESTLESS LEG?I GOT THE CRAZY LEGS.(laughter)

AND SO I'M IN THE LOBBY.I GET THE KEY.

I RUN UP TO MY HOTEL ROOM,OPEN THE DOOR--ASIAN FAMILY.

WHAT THE?(laughter)

I GO RUNNING BACK--HONESTLY,I GO RUNNING BACK DOWNSTAIRS,

AND I SAY TO THE CONCIERGE,"THERE'S A FAMILY IN MY ROOM.

I'M SO SORRY."

NOW THEY DON'T JUST GIVE YOUA NEW CARD KEY.

THEY HAVE TO GETTO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.

THEY HAVETO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.

THE CHAIN OF COMMANDAND HOUSEKEEPING,

THEY HAVE TO UNDERSTANDHOW IT COULD BE THAT THERE IS

A ROOM THAT WAS SUPPOSEDTO BE READY THAT'S NOT READY.

YOU KNOW, JUNE, JULY, AUGUST.ANYWAY, SO I'M--I'M DYING.

AND THEN ANOTHER CONCIERGECOMES OUT AND SAYS,

"MS. GAROFALO, WE'RE SO SORRYFOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

HERE'S A COUPON FORA FREE MASSAGE AT THE SPA."

NOW HERE'S WHY I CAN'T GETA MASSAGE.

COUPLE OF REASONS,THE FACE HOLE IN THE TABLE--

IT'S NOT COMFORTABLE, AND ATMY AGE I CAN'T HAVE THE PULLING.

I CAN'T HAVE IT.(laughter)

ALSO--I CAN'T HAVE IT.

I ALSO FEEL LIKEWHEN I'M GETTING A MASSAGE

THAT'S WHEN THEY'RE GONNAFIND THE LUMP.

YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE SOMEBODYWILL BE MANIPULATING AND GO,

"HEY, DID YOU KNOW?""NO."

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T KNOW,

IF YOU DON'T DO ANYSELF EXAMINATIONS,

OR SEE A DOCTOR EVER,YOU'LL LIVE FOREVER.(laughter)

THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT.(applause)

THE DIAGNOSIS,IT'S WHAT GETS YOU.

SO YOU JUST HAVE A DON'T-ASK,DON'T-TELL POLICY

WITH ANY AND ALLBODILY FUNCTIONS.

THAT'S HOW WE DO IT.

AND ALSO,HERE'S SOMETHING INTERESTING.

DID YOU EVER NOTICED NOBODYHAS EVER ORDERED

A GRAPEFRUIT THE SIZEOF A TUMOR, EVER.(laughter)

EVER.(laughter)

HERE'S SOMETHING I WANTEDTO SHARE WITH YOU.

I BROUGHT IT WITH ME.

ANYBODY WHO'S FLOWNINTERNATIONALLY RECENTLY,

UM, THE IMMIGRATION CARD,THE CUSTOMS CARD.

THIS RIGHT HERE,HOMELAND SECURITY AT ITS FINEST.

THIS IS ALL THAT STANDSBETWIXT YOU AND UTTER CHAOS.

SO WHEN I WAS FLYINGINTERNATIONAL--

I JUST WANT TO SHARE WITH YOUHOW WE'RE BEING PROTECTED.

YOU HAVE TO FILL THIS OUT.

FIRST QUESTION--"DO YOU HAVEA COMMUNICABLE DISEASE,

"PHYSICALOR MENTAL DISORDER,

OR ARE YOU A DRUG ABUSEROR ADDICT?"

(mouthing word)

YOU CAN ALWAYS DEPEND ON A JUNKYTO CHECK THE RIGHT BOX.

BUT HERE'S THE JEWELIN HOMELAND'S CROWN.

"HAVE YOU EVER BEEN OR ARE YOUNOW INVOLVED IN ESPIONAGE(laughter)

"OR SABOTAGE...

"OR IN TERRORIST ACTIVITIESOR GENOCIDE OR BETWEEN--(laughter)

"OR BETWEEN 1933 AND 1945WERE INVOLVED IN ANY WAY

IN PERSECUTIONS ASSOCIATED WITHNAZI GERMANY OR ITS ALLIES?"

I WAS IN DEEP COVERFOR OVER 30 YEARS.

I WORKED FOR THE CIA, THE FBI,THE MI-5 AND MI-6.

I LOST MY IDENTITY, MY WIFE,MY CHILDREN, NAY,

I ALMOST LOST MY MIND.

AND WHAT UNDID ME AFTER ALLTHESE YEARS?

WHY DID I CHECK YES?!(laughter)

WHY WOULD I--OH!

OH, YOU'RE GOOD,HOMELAND SECURITY.

YOU'RE VERY, VERY GOOD.(laughter)

AND THEN HERE'S ANOTHERINTERESTING THING ON THE CARD.

IT SAYS, "IMPORTANT.IF YOU ANSWERED YES

"TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, PLEASECONTACT THE AMERICAN EMBASSY

BEFORE YOU TRAVEL."

NOW THEY DON'T GIVE IT TO YOUTILL YOU'RE ABOUT TO LAND.(laughter)

SO I DON'T UNDERSTAND,UNLESS OF COURSE,

WE'RE GOING TO AUSTRALIA,WHICH AS YOU KNOW,

WHEN YOU GET THERE,IT'S YESTERDAY.

SO MAYBE YES, 'CAUSE YOU GOTHROUGH THE EVENT HORIZON

OR SOMETHING, THE TOILETGOES THE OTHER WAY,

AND THEN YES, MAYBE,MAYBE.

NOW, ALSO WHEN IWAS IN AUSTRALIA

I WENT TO "V" FESTIVAL,MUSIC FESTIVAL SPONSORED BY--

(clears throat)EXCUSE ME.

SPONSORED BY VIRGIN ATLANTIC,OR VIRGIN MUSIC, WHAT HAVE YOU.

AND I SAW THE BAND MADNESS.FANTASTIC, FANTASTIC.

(applause)

AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH,I WAS ACTUALLY SORT OF DANCING,

WHICH IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL.

WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME FOR METO EXPLAIN HOW UNUSUAL THAT IS,

BUT I'M NOT A DANCERAS A RULE, BUT I WAS.

AND THERE WAS KIND OFAN ATTRACTIVE GENTLEMAN

DANCING NEAR ME,AND WE'RE CHITTER-CHATTERING.

AND THEN WE RAN OUTOF THINGS TO SAY,

AND I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO LEAVESO I JUST SAID,

"I'M SO EXCITEDTO SEE MADNESS.

I'VE HAVEN'T SEEN THEMSINCE 1982."

AND THEN HE SAID,"I WASN'T EVEN BORN IN 1982."

NOW COME ON, THIS IS--I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THIS IS HOW--THIS IS TRUE,

NOT THAT I'VE BEEN LYING ABOUTANYTHING ELSE.

BUT LISTEN, I'M GONNA TELL YOUSOMETHING THAT'S TRUE.

DO YOU KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLETHAT WERE BORN IN 1989?(laughter)

THAT'S REAL.THAT'S TRUE.

THERE ARE PEOPLETHAT WERE BORN IN 1989.

I HAVE MET THEM.(laughter)

I ACTUALLY MET SOMEBODY BORNIN 1991.

HOW IS THAT TECHNICALLYPOSSIBLE?

HOW IS IT TECHNICALLY POSSIBLE?

HONESTLY, WHAT--THAT MEANSTHAT I WAS ALREADY

A BLACKOUT DRUNKWITH AN EATING DISORDER

AND YOU WERE JUST JOINING US.(laughter)

YOU WERE JUST,JUST JOINING US.(applause and cheers)

I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND.LOOK AT THEM, CHEERING.

SO COCKY.THEY'RE SO COCKY.

AGAIN, I'M NOT MAD AT YOU,BUT LISTEN, YOU YOUNG PEOPLE,

WITH YOUR TWITTERINGAND YOUR CREATING OF CONTENT,

OR WHAT IS IT, QUEEFING?IS THAT WHAT IT IS?(laughter)

TWITTERING.QUEEFING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUYOUNG PEOPLE ARE CALLING IT

WITH THE STUFF.

YOU'RE JUST CREATING CONTENT.YOU'RE CREATING CONTENT.

YOU'RE CREATING CONTENT.

NOW LISTEN, YOUNG PEOPLE,I UNDERSTAND NARCISSISM,

CLEARLY.(laughter)

CLEARLY,I UNDERSTAND NARCISSISM.

BUT AT LEAST I HAVE THE DECENCYTO HATE MYSELF.

(laughter)

AND THAT'S WHAT'SMISSING FROM--

(cheers and applause)

THE YOUNG PEOPLE, THEY DON'T--THEY DON'T--

THE YOUNG PEOPLE DON'T HAVETHE DEBILITATING SELF-LOATHING

AND THE SECOND GUESSINGAND ALL OF THAT.

YOU REALLY--AND YOU'RE SO--WITH YOUR SKIN

FEELING YOUR OATS THEREWITH YOUR GREAT SKIN.

IT'S ALMOST DEWY.

YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW,IT'S, UH--

YOU KNOW, WHAT BOTHER--WHITEY IS BLOWING UP THE MOON,

AND I CAN'T GETA DECENT PORE MINIMIZER.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.WHERE'S THE TECHNOLOGY?

PROBABLY GOINGTO THE MATTRESSES,

THE REVOLUTION,WHICH BY THE WAY,

APPARENTLY WILL BE TELEVISED,THE MATTRESS REVOLUTION.

SO WHAT ELSE DID I WANTTO TELL YOU?

I LEARNED HOW TO SAY SOMETHINGIN AUSTRALIAN.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR?READY?

(Australian accent)NATALIE PORTMAN.

(laughter and applause)

(normal voice) THANK YOU.ROSETTA STONE.

I ALSO LEARNED TO SAYWHEN I WAS IN ITALY--

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR SOMEITALIAN I PICKED UP?

(Italian accent)JAMES-A FRANCO.(laughter)

FROM THE FREAKS-AAND THE GEEKS-A.

WHY SO SAD,JAMESA FRANCO?

(laughter)

(normal voice)THANK YOU.

I KNOW, LIKE I SAID,ROSETTA STONE.

(laughter)

IT'S AMAZING.IT'S LIKE A TOTAL IMMERSION.

(Italian accent) A-GUCCI, GUCCI,PORAMA, JAMES-A FRANCO.

LOOK AT--I JUSTREMEMBERED THAT RIGHT NOW.(laughter)

I DON'T MEAN TO BEPREACHING AT YOU, AT ALL.

BUT IF YOU CAN LEAVEHERE EDIFIED IN SOME WAY,

YOU GOT THE SPANX.

THE SECOND THING IS FLIP-FLOPS.NOT POLITICALLY.

ON YOUR FEET, FLIP-FLOPS,OPEN-TOED SHOES.

OPEN-TOED FOR THE FELLAS."MANDALS," WHATEVER,

WHAT YOU'RE WEARING,I DON'T KNOW.

THE SLIP-ON SHOES.

THERE'S A LOT OF CONCERNS HERE,BUT THE FIRST ONE I WILL ADDRESS

IS GENDER-SPECIFIC,AND THEN WE'LL WIDEN OUT.

THIS ONE'S FOR THE FELLASWITH THE OPEN-TOED SHOES.

GUYS, WHAT CAN WE DO TO GETYOU TO CLIP YOUR TOENAILS?

(laughter)

WHAT DO YOU THINK COLLECTIVELYAS A CULTURE,

WE COULD DO TO GET YOU TO CLIPYOUR TOENAILS?

ALSO,YOUR HEELS ARE SO DRY.(laughter)

YOUR HEELS ARE SO VERY DRY,

IT ACTUALLY GIVES METHE SHIVERS.

THEY'RE SO--THEY'RE PARCHED,YOUR HEELS.

LISTEN, THERE'S A REALLY SIMPLEWAY TO REMEDY THIS, FELLAS,

WITH YOUR HEELS.

DO YOU KNOW THE LOTIONTHAT'S BY YOUR BED?

I'M NOT JUDGING.I'M NOT ACCUSING AT ALL.(laughter)

I'M AGNOSTIC AT BESTABOUT IT--

THE LOTION THAT'S BY YOUR BED.

THE LOTIONTHAT'S BY YOUR BED.

OF AN EVENING WHEN YOU BENDTO THE TASK,

JUST TAKE AN EXTRA DOLLOPOF LOTION

AND HIT THE HEELON THE WAY UP.

YOU'RE GOING THAT WAY.JUST HIT THE HEEL.

(laughter)

AND THEN GET 'ER AGAINON THE WAY DOWN.

AND THEN YOU PUTA SOCK OVER THAT.

NOW GET A NEW SOCK.DON'T--I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

GET UP, OPEN THE DRAWER,GET ANOTHER SOCK,

PUT IT ON, AND THEN YOU WAKE UPIN THE MORNING

AND YOU GOT SUPPLE HEELS,YOU'RE WELCOME.(laughter)

NOW SECONDLY,THIS IS FOR BOTH GENDERS.

THIS IS ABOUT THE RAPTURE,AS YOU KNOW,

THE RAPTURE'S COMIN'.NO "G".

IT'S LIKE SCRAPBOOKIN'.IT'S NO FUN IF THERE'S A "G".

THE RAPTURE'S COMIN'.

AND ALSO AS YOU KNOW,SCIENTIFICALLY SPEAKING,

THE HUMAN BODYIS 90% OILY RAGS,

WHICH MEANS A LOT OF US AREGONNA GO UP LIKE A POWDER KEG.(laughter)

THE ATHEISTS, THE JEWS--

I DIDN'T WRITE THE RULES,BUT THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

THERE'S GONNA BE A LOTOF BURSTING INTO FLAMES,

AND SO THE REST OF YOUGOOD PEOPLE ARE GONNA HAVE

TO BOB AND WEAVEAND NEGOTIATE.

IN SANDALS?ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MOVELIKE LIGHTENING,

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA GETRAPTURED UP QUICK AS PAN,

AND YOU'RE GONNA LOSE AT LEASTONE FLIP-FLOP, AT LEAST.(laughter)

AT LEAST.

AND SO YOU'RE GONNA BE WALKINGAROUND LIKE THIS,

AND IT'S HELL ON YOUR BACK.(laughter)

OKAY, THIS,LAST BUT NOT LEAST.

THE ZOMBIES, THE UNDEAD,BACKSLASH, THE INFECTED--

HAVE YOU SEEN HOW FASTTHEY'RE RUNNING?

HAVE YOU SEEN--HEY, THIS IS NOTYOUR FATHER'S ZOMBIE.

LISTEN, IN MY DAY, THE UNDEAD,THEY WERE UNWIELDY.

THEY MOVED LIKE THIS.

YOU COULD PRETENDTO BE ONE OF THEM.

YOU COULD SHOVE THEM.YOU HAD A REAL SHOT.

THAT'S NOT THE CASE ANYMORE.

THERE'S A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT IT.IT'S CALLED "28 DAYS LATER."(laughter)

IT HAPPENED IN LONDON!JESUS!(applause)

Loading...