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Season 3

Cotter, Blitz, Lombard, Cantone

  • Season 3, Ep 0305
  • 01/17/2000

I'M TELLING YOU, I LOVE THIS.

YOU KNOW, I WANT TO BEONE OF THOSE ACTORS

THAT'S AROUND FOR A LONG TIME,LIKE STALLONE.

HE'S BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME,COME ON.

ROCKY ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT,NINE, TEN, ELEVEN.

STALLONE'S PROBLEM-- HE'S ROCKY

IN EVERY DAMN MOVIE HE DOES,THOUGH, ISN'T HE?

NOW, I LOVE ROCKY.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, NOW.

( imitating Stallone ):LOOK AROUND MY HOUSE, MICK.

UH-HUH, LOOK AROUND MY HOUSE.

MY HOUSE STINK?

MY HOUSE STINKS, MICK.

I NEVER ASKED YOU FOR NO FAVORS.

YOU HAD ME TO FIGHT THE FIGHT.

Y'ALL FIGHT THE FIGHT.

WE'LL BE THERE!

HE ALWAYS SAYS SOMETHING YOUCAN'T UNDERSTAND.

( mumbling incoherently )

( imitating Burgess Meredith ):I CAN'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT YOU SAID, ROCK.

( mumbling incoherently )

PROBLEM IS, HE'S ROCKYIN EVERY DAMN MOVIE

EVEN CLIFFHANGER.

YOU SEE CLIFFHANGER?

BEEN TWO YEARSSINCE THAT ACCIDENT

AND YOU'RE STILL STRESSING OUT.

( imitating Stallone ):YOU WEREN'T THERE!

I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS UP THEREON THAT ROPE, NOT YOU.

( mumbling incoherently )

I LOVE THE HOMELESS PEOPLE.

IS THAT SO WRONG?

THAT'S WHAT WE CALL THEM NOW,"THE HOMELESS."

WHEN I WAS A KID,WHAT DID WE CALL THEM?

"BUMS AND HOBOS, AND TRAMPS"...

BUT, THAT WASN'TSENSITIVE ENOUGH, WAS IT?

SO NOW, THEY'RE "THE HOMELESS"

AND NEXT YEAR..."OUTDOORSMEN."

I THINK WE SHOULD TRY THAT,OR...

"FIELD COLLECTION AGENTS.

"HYGIENE-IMPAIRED

PROFESSIONAL SQUEEGEETECHNICIANS."

MY POINT IS THIS--

EVERYBODY'SSO POLITICALLY CORRECT, NOW

YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING.

I JUST WORKED AT A CASINO

WHERE THEY CHANGED ALL THE NAMESOF THE GAMES

'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANTTO OFFEND ANYBODY.

LIKE, NO LONGER IS IT"BLACK JACK."

NOW, IT'S"AFRICAN-AMERICAN JACK"...

AND NO LONGER IS IT "POKER."

NOW, IT'S "TAKE HER OUTTO DINNER AND A MOVIE."

( amused groaning )

WE DON'TCALL ANYTHING

WHAT IT IS ANYMORE.

IN COLLEGE

I WAS A "PARTYER."

ALL MY FRIENDS USED TO SAY,"COTTER, YOU'RE A PARTYER."

NOW, I'M A "PROBLEM DRINKER."

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

SO NOW, I'M IN MY CARAND I'M HAMMERED

AND I KNOW, "FRIENDS DON'TLET FRIENDS DRINK AND DRIVE"

BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

SO, I'M DRIVING ALONGAND I END UP HITTING A DOG.

I DIDN'T WANT TO HIT THE DOG

BUT HE WAS ABOUT TO SNIFF OUTTHE COCAINE IN MY TRUNK

SO I SMASHED HIM...

AND THE COP WASALREADY ANGRY AT ME

'CAUSE OF THE WEDGIEAND THE NOOGIES.

HERE'S A TIP.

IF YOU EVER GET PULLED OVERBY THE POLICE

AND THE COP COMES UPTO THE WINDOW OF YOUR CAR

NEVER LOOK AT HIM AND SAY

"OFFICER, I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE

AND THAT'S NOTJUST THE BOOZE TALKING."

THEY HATE THAT.

SO, OFFICER GRUMPY HAS MEEXIT THE VEHICLE BY MY HAIR

THROUGH THE SUNROOF,WHICH WAS CLOSED AT THE TIME

AND HE SAYS, "STAND ON ONE FOOT,TILT YOUR HEAD BACK

"CLOSE YOUR EYES,PUT YOUR ARMS OUT

"AND SLOWLY TOUCHYOUR INDEX FINGER

"TO THE TIP OF YOUR NOSE

AND DON'T TRY ANYTHING STUPID."

SO, ANYWAY,I SPEND THE NIGHT IN JAIL

AND THE NEXT MORNINGMY LAWYER GOT ME OFF

IN THE MEN'S ROOM

WHICH WAS GOOD'CAUSE I WAS NERVOUS.

UH...

NOW, I'M IN FRONT OF THE JUDGEAND HE SAYS, "HOW DO YOU PLEAD?"

AND I SAID,"CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS."

AND HE SAYS,"WHAT ARE YOU, A COMEDIAN?"

AND I SAID,"WHAT ARE YOU, A PSYCHIC?"

AND IT TURNS OUT HE WAS,'CAUSE HE KNEW I WAS GOING

TO PAY THIS HUGE FINEIN THE FUTURE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE KNEW THAT.

I DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT KILLS ME, THOUGH?

EVERY TIME I'MABOUT TO DO A SHOW

SOME IDIOT COMES UP TO MEAND SAYS, "HEY, BREAK A LEG."

SCREW YOU.

I HOPE YOU RUPTURE YOUR SPLEEN,YOU IDIOT.

WHAT KIND OF GREETING IS THAT?

NOW, THEY DON'T MEAN ANYTHINGBY IT.

WE JUST DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT WE'RE SAYING

IN OUR LANGUAGE, DO WE?

"I DON'T WANTTO BEAT A DEAD HORSE."

I DON'T WANT YOU TO, EITHER.

"THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAYTO SKIN A CAT."

HOW MANY WAYS DO YOU NEED,YOU NAZI?

WE SAY STUPID STUFF.

"HE LOOKS DOWN HIS NOSE AT ME."

WELL, OF COURSE.

WE ALL LOOK DOWN OUR NOSE.

IF HE COULD LOOK UP HIS NOSEAT YOU

EITHER HE'D BE A FREAKOR YOU'D BE A BOOGER.

THOSE ARETHE ONLY OPTIONS.

"SHE'S A PARTY POOPER."

EW...

KEEP HER AWAY FROM THE DIP.

"HE'S ON THE LAM."

HE NEEDSA GIRLFRIEND IMMEDIATELY.

WE SAY DUMB STUFF.

"HEY, CAN I BEND YOUR EAR?"

SURE, IF I CAN POKE YOUIN THE EYE, YOU JACKASS.

MAN.

"BRIGHT-EYED AND BUSHY-TAILED."

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

BRIGHT-EYED AND BUSHY-TAILED ISA SQUIRREL ON CRACK.

THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

( cheering )

"I DON'T GIVE

A RAT'S ASS."

WHO WANTSTO RECEIV A RAT'S ASS?

"SHE'LL BEND OVER BACKWARDSTO PLEASE YOU."

WHAT'S HER NUMBER?

HEY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,YOU'VE BEEN TREMENDOUS.

ALSO, THIS GUY CALLED ME

AND IT MADE...IT MADE MY PHONE RING

AND, SO, I PICKED IT UPAND I SAID, "HELLO"

UH, WHAT... STARTED HAVINGA CONVERSATION, YOU KNOW?

AND HE WASACTUALLY NOT MY FRIEND.

HE WAS A TELEMARKETERFROM A PHONE COMPANY

WHO WAS CALLING ME,TRYING TO GET ME TO SWITCH, UH

LONG-DISTANCE CALLING PLANSTO HIS COMPANY, AND I HATE IT

WHEN THESE GUYS CALL ME,YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, THESE GUYS CALL YOU

AND THEY, LIKE, HARASS YOU,YOU KNOW?

I HATE THEM, AND I JUST TRYTO TEACH THEM A LESSON

SO THEY WON'TCALL ME BACK

AND IT'S REAL EASY.

IT'S A LESSON THAT I CALL,"GIVING THEM A HARDER

"'TALKING-TO-STRANGERS-ON-THE-PHONE JOB'

THAN THE ONE HE THOUGHTHE WAS SIGNING UP FOR"

AND IT'S SO EASY.

HE'LL JUST BE, LIKE

"HEY, MR. BLITZ,YOU WANT TO SWITCH

"TO OUR LONG-DISTANCECALLING PLAN?

IT'S JUST SUCH AND SUCHAND THIS."

AND I'M, LIKE, "WELL, WHY WOULDI WANT TO SWITCH

"TO YOUR LONG-DISTANCECALLING PLAN

"WHEN I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF

"RIGHT AFTER I HANG UP THE PHONEWITH YOU?

I MEAN, UNLESS YOU CAN TALK MEOUT OF IT."

I DON'T...

OH.

HOW'S YOUR CRISIS COUNSELING,MAN?

THIS OTHER GUY CALLED ME.

IT'S A FRIEND, AND HE SAID,"HEY, COME OVER TO MY PLACE

AND LET'S WATCH THE FIGHT,"YOU KNOW

AND I WAS LIKE,"NO, I BOYCOTTING BOXING."

AND HE'S, LIKE, "OH, REALLY?

ARE YOU OPPOSED TO VIOLENCE?"

AND I SAID, "NO, I THINK, UH,VIOLENCE IS WONDERFUL

"YOU KNOW, BUT WHAT I OBJECT TOIN BOXING IS

"THE TOTAL LACK OF EXPLANATION

"AS TO WHAT HAPPENEDBETWEEN THESE GUYS

TO CAUSE THIS FIGHTTO BREAK OUT."

I THINKTHEY SHOULD HIRE A WRITER--

A GOOD WRITER,LIKE ARTHUR MILLER, OR SOMEONE--

TO, LIKE, WRITE UP,LIKE, A LITTLE PLAY

AND, THEN,GIVE EACH BOXER A SCRIPT

AND JUST, LIKE,SEND THEM UP THERE

AND SEE HOW THEY DOWITH THE PLAY, YOU KNOW?

IT COULD... IT COULD JUST HAVE,LIKE, SOME SITUATION

LIKE, MAYBE YOU HAVE, LIKE

SAY, LIKE, TYSON AND HOLYFIELDARE ROOMMATES, YOU KNOW?

AND THAT'S HOW IT STARTS.

LIKE, HOLYFIELD COMES HOME

AND HE OPENS UP, LIKE,A $300 PHONE BILL...

AND HE'S, LIKE, WHAT?

AND TYSON'S, LIKE, OH YEAH,I THOUGHT WE WOULD SPLIT THAT

LIKE FIFTY-FIFTY, YOU KNOW?

AND HOLYFIELD'S, LIKE, NO...

AND IN ROUND TWO,IT'S, LIKE, HE COMES IN

AND, LIKE, TYSON'S ON THE PHONETO THE PHILIPPINES, YOU KNOW?

( imitating Tyson ):HE'S, LIKE, WHAT TIME IS ITOVER THERE, YOU KNOW?

AND HOLYFIELD'S, LIKE,HANG UP THE PHONE...

AND, THEN,THEY YELL AT EACH OTHER

AND, THEN, THEY'RE SWINGING

AND, THEN,YOU'RE WATCHING THE FIGHT

AND YOU'RE, LIKE, YEAH

BECAUSE OF THE PHONE-BILL THING,YOU KNOW?

I KNOW.

THE...

OH, THANKS.

HEY, BUT YOU KNOW WHO REALLYDRIVES ME UP THE WALL?

TERRORISTS.

I MEAN, COME ON.

IF I EVER MET A TERRORIST,I'D JUST BE, LIKE, BOO.

YOUR TERRORISM IS THE PITS,YOU KNOW?

AND I HATE, REALLY, MOST OF ALL,WHEN THEY HIJACK AIRPLANES.

YOU EVER...YOUR PLANE EVER GET HIJACKED?

IT'S THE WORST, 'CAUSE, LIKE

THEY POP INTO THE COCKPITOF THE PLANE

AND THEY PULL OUT A GUN

AND THEY'RE JUST, LIKE,FLY THIS PLANE TO MEXICO CITY

AND I HEAR THAT, AND I'M, LIKE

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST GETON THE PLANE

THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO...TO MEXICO CITY.

THAT IS TERRIBLE.

'CAUSE IT WAS LATE.

AND I GOT SO NERVOUS.

ALTHOUGH, LET MEJUST SHARE RIGHT NOW

THAT I HAD NOTHINGTO WORRY ABOUT.

IF YOU GET WHAT I MEAN.

LIKE, NOTHING.

BUT I WAS TOTALLY NERVOUS

'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOWWE LADIES GET.

AND OF COURSE, I GET ALL ANXIOUSAND THEN I START THINKING

WELL, MAYBE I AM HAVINGTHE LORD'S CHILD.

( laughter )

'CAUSE WHO'S HE GOING TO PICK?

PROBABLY SOMEBODY FUNNY

THAT WORKS AT THE LIMITED.

I WAS WATCHING THE CHRISTIANMUSIC AWARDS RECENTLY--

THE DOVE AWARDS--

AND THIS LEAD SINGER FROMTHIS CHRISTIAN ROCK BAND

GOT UP THERE TO GET HIS AWARD

AND HE WAS SAYING, "I AM SOGRATEFUL TO RECEIVE THIS

"AND I JUST WANT TO KEEP ONDOING WHAT I DO

IN ORDER TO MAKETHE LORD FAMOUS."

AND THAT WAS SO TRUE.

'CAUSE BEFORE HIS CHEESY SONG

I'D NEVER EVEN HEARDOF THE LORD.

( laughter )

I FINALLY GOT TO SEE GODZILLA.

I WAITED TO GET IT ON VIDEO

BECAUSE IT GOT SUCH BAD REVIEWS.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?IT WAS REALLY GOOD.

I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVECUT IT SOME SLACK.

THEY ONLY MADE LIKEONE LITTLE MISTAKE--

WHICH WAS THATTHEY MADE HIM TOO BIG.

'CAUSE EVEN IF THEY HAD ONLY

MADE HIM THIS BIG,BUT HE'S A LIZARD

I'D BE SCARED.

THIS BIG.

PLUS, THENIF HE'S ONLY THIS BIG

HE COULD HAVE DONE SCARY THINGS

LIKE HIDE IN MY CLOSET.

OR LIKE, I GET IN A TAXI

AND I SAY,"TAKE ME TO TIMES SQUARE"

AND THE DRIVER TURNS AROUND...

IT'S GODZILLA!

OH, MY GOD! LIZARDS CAN'T DRIVE!

AWW!

YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN IT.

IT'S THE ONE WHERETHE ANNOUNCER SAYS

"ARE YOU TIRED OF THIS?"

AND THEN YOU SEE THIS WOMAN

WHO IS TRYING TO JAM AN ENTIREPIZZA INTO A TOASTER.

OH, IT'S FRUSTRATING.

AND THEN, WHAT THE COMPANYHAS DONE FOR THIS WOMAN

IS THEY'VE MADE THIS POCKETWITH PIZZA IN IT

SO THAT SHE COULD PUT ITIN THE TOASTER.

BUT I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT

AND MAYBE IF YOUR PROBLEMIS SUCH

THAT YOU WOULD TRY AND JAMA WHOLE PIZZA INTO A TOASTER

MAYBE YOU DON'T NEED A POP-TARTWITH PIZZA IN IT.

MAYBE YOU NEED LIKEAT-HOME CARE.

( laughter and applause )

BUT MY FAVORITE COMMERCIALON TV RIGHT NOW

IS FOR WERTHER'S ORIGINALS.

OH, IF YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT WERTHER'S ORIGINALS IS

IT'S A CANDY.

AND YOU GUYS...IT'S GOOD.

SO ANYWAY, IN THE COMMERCIAL,FIRST YOU SEE THE BAG OF CANDY

AND THEN YOU SEE THIS WOMANWHO'S SITTING AT HOME

IN COMFORTABLE CHAIRIN FRONT OF A FIREPLACE.

AND ON THE TABLE NEXTTO HER

IS A BAG OF CANDYAND A BOTTLE OF WINE.

AND SHE LOOKSRIGHT INTO THE CAMERA AND SAYS

"IT'S GOING TO BEA NICE EVENING."

( laughter )

BUT, I REWROTE THE COMMERCIAL

TO TAKE THIS WHOLEFOOD ADDICTION THING

JUST A STEP FURTHER.

SO, THE COMMERCIALI HAVE FOR THEM NOW GOES

FIRST YOU SEE THEBAG OF CANDY--

THEN YOU SEE A WOMAN JUST WITHA PIECE OF CANDY GOING

"UNWRAP THE CANDY!"

THEN, YOU'LL SEETHE BAG OF CANDY.

AND THEN, YOU SEE THE WOMANAFTER SHE'S GOTTEN THE FIX.

AND SHE LOOKSRIGHT IN THE CAMERA

AND SAYS, "SOMETIMESI DIGEST THE FOIL."

( laughter )

YOU KNOW WHY?

YOU KNOW WHY I'M WEARING THEM?

'CAUSE I'VE BEEN HANGINGWITH THE HOMIES

AND SMOKING THE BLUNTS.

( laughter )

EITHER THAT OR I'M

DESPERATELY TRYING TO HOLDONTO MY YOUTH BY A HANGNAIL.

SO, UH, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

AH, THE THEATER.

WE'RE IN THE THEATER.

AH, THE THEATER.

YOU KNOW ONE OF THE MOSTINTERESTING THEATRICAL EVENTS

OF THE PAST FEW YEARS

WAS LIZA MINELLI REPLACEDJULIE ANDREWS

IN VICTOR, VICTORIA.

AND SHE GOT ON STAGE

AND IT WAS ALL IN THE PRESS

THAT SHE DIDN'T KNOW THAT LYRICSTO THE SONGS...

I COULD OF TOLD YOU THAT.

I SAW HER SING"THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER"

AT A GAME ONE TIME.

SHE CAME OUT SHE WAS LIKE--

( imitating Liza Minelli ):♪ OH SAY CAN YOU... BE

♪ BY THE DAW SO MIN BOW

♪ SO THE LAND OF THE FEEL

♪ AND THE HOME STAPLER BRAID.

( laughter and applause )

THAT'S HOW SHE BOWS.

SHE BOWS LIKE...

BILLY STITCH.

HEY, THERE WAS ONE MUSICAL

THAT MARLON BRANDO DIDIN HIS LIFETIME.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?

GUYS AND DOLLS. VERY GOOD.

I ASKED THAT LAST NIGHT

SOMEONE SAID LAST TANGO IN PARIS.

YEAH, GOOD MUSICAL.

OH, YEAH, REMEMBER THAT SONG?

♪ GET THE BUTTER,GET THE BUTTER ♪

♪ GET THE BUTTER NOW

♪ STICK YOUR FINGERTWIXT MY BUTTOCKS ♪

♪ STICK IT IN RIGHT NOW

OH, A WONDERFUL SCORE

BY MICHEL LEGRANDE.

IT WAS BRILLIANT.

TWILIGHT OF THE GOLDS.

AND THE PREMISE OF IT WAS

THERE'S THIS DOCTOR WHO CANPREDETERMINE THE SEXUALITY

OF THE BABYWHILE THE WOMAN IS PREGNANT.

AND AT THE END, THERE'S THISSAPPY LOVE SONG OVER THE CREDITS

THAT KIND OF SUMS EVERYTHING UP.

AND I THOUGHT, THERE'S GOT TO BEA BETTER VERSION OF THIS SONG.

SO I FOUND ONE.

♪ YOU SAY THAT YOU'RE WANTING

♪ TO HAVE A LITTLE CHILD

♪ YOUR CLOCK IS TICKING

♪ AND IT'S DRIVING YOU WILD

♪ YOU KNOW THAT THIS LIFEHOLDS NO GUARANTEES ♪

♪ SO YOU BETTER LISTEN,LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN TO ME ♪

( laughter )

♪ HE COULD HAVETWO PERFECT HANDS ♪

♪ AND TEN PERFECT TOES

♪ AND BABY SOFT SKIN

♪ AND A CUTE BUTTON NOSE

♪ HIS HEAD COULD BE SHAPEDLIKE THE MOST PERFECT BALLOON ♪

♪ BUT WHAT IF HE'S GAYIN THE WOMB? ♪

( laughter )

♪ WHAT IF HE'S GAY?

♪ WHAT DID YOU SAY?

♪ WHAT IF HE'S GAY...

♪ BOOM-BOOM-BA-DOOM,BOOM-BOOM-BOOM ♪

♪ IN THE WOMB?

( applause )

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