Cotter, Blitz, Lombard, Cantone

  • Season 3, Ep 0305
  • 01/22/2000

Mario Cantone doesn't think that Liza Minnelli knows the lyrics to anything she sings, and Tom Cotter shares what not to say to a cop.

I'M TELLING YOU, I LOVE THIS.

YOU KNOW, I WANT TO BEONE OF THOSE ACTORS

THAT'S AROUND FOR A LONG TIME,LIKE STALLONE.

HE'S BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME,COME ON.

ROCKY ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT,NINE, TEN, ELEVEN.

STALLONE'S PROBLEM-- HE'S ROCKY

IN EVERY DAMN MOVIE HE DOES,THOUGH, ISN'T HE?

NOW, I LOVE ROCKY.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, NOW.

( imitating Stallone ):LOOK AROUND MY HOUSE, MICK.

UH-HUH, LOOK AROUND MY HOUSE.

MY HOUSE STINK?

MY HOUSE STINKS, MICK.

I NEVER ASKED YOU FOR NO FAVORS.

YOU HAD ME TO FIGHT THE FIGHT.

Y'ALL FIGHT THE FIGHT.

WE'LL BE THERE!

HE ALWAYS SAYS SOMETHING YOUCAN'T UNDERSTAND.

( mumbling incoherently )

( imitating Burgess Meredith ):I CAN'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT YOU SAID, ROCK.

( mumbling incoherently )

PROBLEM IS, HE'S ROCKYIN EVERY DAMN MOVIE

EVEN CLIFFHANGER.

YOU SEE CLIFFHANGER?

BEEN TWO YEARSSINCE THAT ACCIDENT

AND YOU'RE STILL STRESSING OUT.

( imitating Stallone ):YOU WEREN'T THERE!

I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS UP THEREON THAT ROPE, NOT YOU.

( mumbling incoherently )

I LOVE THE HOMELESS PEOPLE.

IS THAT SO WRONG?

THAT'S WHAT WE CALL THEM NOW,"THE HOMELESS."

WHEN I WAS A KID,WHAT DID WE CALL THEM?

"BUMS AND HOBOS, AND TRAMPS"...

BUT, THAT WASN'TSENSITIVE ENOUGH, WAS IT?

SO NOW, THEY'RE "THE HOMELESS"

AND NEXT YEAR..."OUTDOORSMEN."

I THINK WE SHOULD TRY THAT,OR...

"FIELD COLLECTION AGENTS.

"HYGIENE-IMPAIRED

PROFESSIONAL SQUEEGEETECHNICIANS."

MY POINT IS THIS--

EVERYBODY'SSO POLITICALLY CORRECT, NOW

YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING.

I JUST WORKED AT A CASINO

WHERE THEY CHANGED ALL THE NAMESOF THE GAMES

'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANTTO OFFEND ANYBODY.

LIKE, NO LONGER IS IT"BLACK JACK."

NOW, IT'S"AFRICAN-AMERICAN JACK"...

AND NO LONGER IS IT "POKER."

NOW, IT'S "TAKE HER OUTTO DINNER AND A MOVIE."

( amused groaning )

WE DON'TCALL ANYTHING

WHAT IT IS ANYMORE.

IN COLLEGE

I WAS A "PARTYER."

ALL MY FRIENDS USED TO SAY,"COTTER, YOU'RE A PARTYER."

NOW, I'M A "PROBLEM DRINKER."

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

SO NOW, I'M IN MY CARAND I'M HAMMERED

AND I KNOW, "FRIENDS DON'TLET FRIENDS DRINK AND DRIVE"

BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

SO, I'M DRIVING ALONGAND I END UP HITTING A DOG.

I DIDN'T WANT TO HIT THE DOG

BUT HE WAS ABOUT TO SNIFF OUTTHE COCAINE IN MY TRUNK

SO I SMASHED HIM...

AND THE COP WASALREADY ANGRY AT ME

'CAUSE OF THE WEDGIEAND THE NOOGIES.

HERE'S A TIP.

IF YOU EVER GET PULLED OVERBY THE POLICE

AND THE COP COMES UPTO THE WINDOW OF YOUR CAR

NEVER LOOK AT HIM AND SAY

"OFFICER, I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE

AND THAT'S NOTJUST THE BOOZE TALKING."

THEY HATE THAT.

SO, OFFICER GRUMPY HAS MEEXIT THE VEHICLE BY MY HAIR

THROUGH THE SUNROOF,WHICH WAS CLOSED AT THE TIME

AND HE SAYS, "STAND ON ONE FOOT,TILT YOUR HEAD BACK

"CLOSE YOUR EYES,PUT YOUR ARMS OUT

"AND SLOWLY TOUCHYOUR INDEX FINGER

"TO THE TIP OF YOUR NOSE

AND DON'T TRY ANYTHING STUPID."

SO, ANYWAY,I SPEND THE NIGHT IN JAIL

AND THE NEXT MORNINGMY LAWYER GOT ME OFF

IN THE MEN'S ROOM

WHICH WAS GOOD'CAUSE I WAS NERVOUS.

UH...

NOW, I'M IN FRONT OF THE JUDGEAND HE SAYS, "HOW DO YOU PLEAD?"

AND I SAID,"CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS."

AND HE SAYS,"WHAT ARE YOU, A COMEDIAN?"

AND I SAID,"WHAT ARE YOU, A PSYCHIC?"

AND IT TURNS OUT HE WAS,'CAUSE HE KNEW I WAS GOING

TO PAY THIS HUGE FINEIN THE FUTURE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE KNEW THAT.

I DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT KILLS ME, THOUGH?

EVERY TIME I'MABOUT TO DO A SHOW

SOME IDIOT COMES UP TO MEAND SAYS, "HEY, BREAK A LEG."

SCREW YOU.

I HOPE YOU RUPTURE YOUR SPLEEN,YOU IDIOT.

WHAT KIND OF GREETING IS THAT?

NOW, THEY DON'T MEAN ANYTHINGBY IT.

WE JUST DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT WE'RE SAYING

IN OUR LANGUAGE, DO WE?

"I DON'T WANTTO BEAT A DEAD HORSE."

I DON'T WANT YOU TO, EITHER.

"THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAYTO SKIN A CAT."

HOW MANY WAYS DO YOU NEED,YOU NAZI?

WE SAY STUPID STUFF.

"HE LOOKS DOWN HIS NOSE AT ME."

WELL, OF COURSE.

WE ALL LOOK DOWN OUR NOSE.

IF HE COULD LOOK UP HIS NOSEAT YOU

EITHER HE'D BE A FREAKOR YOU'D BE A BOOGER.

THOSE ARETHE ONLY OPTIONS.

"SHE'S A PARTY POOPER."

EW...

KEEP HER AWAY FROM THE DIP.

"HE'S ON THE LAM."

HE NEEDSA GIRLFRIEND IMMEDIATELY.

WE SAY DUMB STUFF.

"HEY, CAN I BEND YOUR EAR?"

SURE, IF I CAN POKE YOUIN THE EYE, YOU JACKASS.

MAN.

"BRIGHT-EYED AND BUSHY-TAILED."

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

BRIGHT-EYED AND BUSHY-TAILED ISA SQUIRREL ON CRACK.

THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

( cheering )

"I DON'T GIVE

A RAT'S ASS."

WHO WANTSTO RECEIV A RAT'S ASS?

"SHE'LL BEND OVER BACKWARDSTO PLEASE YOU."

WHAT'S HER NUMBER?

HEY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,YOU'VE BEEN TREMENDOUS.

YOU KNOW WHY?

YOU KNOW WHY I'M WEARING THEM?

'CAUSE I'VE BEEN HANGINGWITH THE HOMIES

AND SMOKING THE BLUNTS.

( laughter )

EITHER THAT OR I'M

DESPERATELY TRYING TO HOLDONTO MY YOUTH BY A HANGNAIL.

SO, UH, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

AH, THE THEATER.

WE'RE IN THE THEATER.

AH, THE THEATER.

YOU KNOW ONE OF THE MOSTINTERESTING THEATRICAL EVENTS

OF THE PAST FEW YEARS

WAS LIZA MINELLI REPLACEDJULIE ANDREWS

IN VICTOR, VICTORIA.

AND SHE GOT ON STAGE

AND IT WAS ALL IN THE PRESS

THAT SHE DIDN'T KNOW THAT LYRICSTO THE SONGS...

I COULD OF TOLD YOU THAT.

I SAW HER SING"THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER"

AT A GAME ONE TIME.

SHE CAME OUT SHE WAS LIKE--

( imitating Liza Minelli ):♪ OH SAY CAN YOU... BE

♪ BY THE DAW SO MIN BOW

♪ SO THE LAND OF THE FEEL

♪ AND THE HOME STAPLER BRAID.

( laughter and applause )

THAT'S HOW SHE BOWS.

SHE BOWS LIKE...

BILLY STITCH.

HEY, THERE WAS ONE MUSICAL

THAT MARLON BRANDO DIDIN HIS LIFETIME.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?

GUYS AND DOLLS. VERY GOOD.

I ASKED THAT LAST NIGHT

SOMEONE SAID LAST TANGO IN PARIS.

YEAH, GOOD MUSICAL.

OH, YEAH, REMEMBER THAT SONG?

♪ GET THE BUTTER,GET THE BUTTER ♪

♪ GET THE BUTTER NOW

♪ STICK YOUR FINGERTWIXT MY BUTTOCKS ♪

♪ STICK IT IN RIGHT NOW

OH, A WONDERFUL SCORE

BY MICHEL LEGRANDE.

IT WAS BRILLIANT.

TWILIGHT OF THE GOLDS.

AND THE PREMISE OF IT WAS

THERE'S THIS DOCTOR WHO CANPREDETERMINE THE SEXUALITY

OF THE BABYWHILE THE WOMAN IS PREGNANT.

AND AT THE END, THERE'S THISSAPPY LOVE SONG OVER THE CREDITS

THAT KIND OF SUMS EVERYTHING UP.

AND I THOUGHT, THERE'S GOT TO BEA BETTER VERSION OF THIS SONG.

SO I FOUND ONE.

♪ YOU SAY THAT YOU'RE WANTING

♪ TO HAVE A LITTLE CHILD

♪ YOUR CLOCK IS TICKING

♪ AND IT'S DRIVING YOU WILD

♪ YOU KNOW THAT THIS LIFEHOLDS NO GUARANTEES ♪

♪ SO YOU BETTER LISTEN,LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN TO ME ♪

( laughter )

♪ HE COULD HAVETWO PERFECT HANDS ♪

♪ AND TEN PERFECT TOES

♪ AND BABY SOFT SKIN

♪ AND A CUTE BUTTON NOSE

♪ HIS HEAD COULD BE SHAPEDLIKE THE MOST PERFECT BALLOON ♪

♪ BUT WHAT IF HE'S GAYIN THE WOMB? ♪

( laughter )

♪ WHAT IF HE'S GAY?

♪ WHAT DID YOU SAY?

♪ WHAT IF HE'S GAY...

♪ BOOM-BOOM-BA-DOOM,BOOM-BOOM-BOOM ♪

♪ IN THE WOMB?

( applause )