Extended - Thursday, April 9, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 04/09/2015

In this extended and uncensored episode, Jamie Lee, Matt McCarthy and Pete Holmes come up scenes for the "Avengers" sequel, list #AstronautProblems and translate for R2-D2.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)"AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON" IS

ALMOST HERE, AND I'M VERYEXCITED TO THE EXTENT THAT, UH,

MY COMPANY NERDIST IS PRODUCINGA MARATHON OF ALL 11 MARVEL

MOVIES IN SEQUENCE STARTING WITH"IRON MAN" AND ENDING WITH "AGE

OF ULTRON" IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

WE'RE VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NARY HAS THE INTERNET BEEN MORE

MOIST FOR A FILM, UH...

ONE BIT OF DISAPPOINTING NEWS,THOUGH.

IN A RECENT INTERVIEW, JOSSWHEDON, DIRECTOR, SAID THAT THE

MOVIE WILL NOT CONTAIN APOST-CREDIT SCENE, ALA THE

FIRST MOVIE'S FAMOUS SHAWARMASESSION SEEN HERE.

THAT'S WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.

UH, THAT'S UNFORTUNATE, BUT IFHE DID HAVE A POST-CREDIT

SEQUENCE, WHAT SHOULD IT BE?

JAMIE LEE?

>> UH, THE HULK DROPS HIS SHORTSTO REVEAL A SURPRISINGLY

AVERAGE-SIZE PENIS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YEAH, BECAUSE...

(APPLAUSE)...ANYONE WHO'S THAT, LIKE,

GRRR! SMASH! LIKE, THEY'RECOMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING.

>> RIGHT. IT'S, LIKE... YOU'REGOING THROUGH SOME KIND OF

CRISIS.

>> WE ALL NOTICED HIS PANTS DIDNOT TEAR.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: PETE HOLMES.

>> UH, I THINK IT SHOULD BECAPTAIN AMERICA AND BLACK WIDOW

ADMITTING THAT THEY BRING VERYLITTLE TO THE TABLE.

(LAUGHTER)>> OH...

>> ...AND THEN HAVING STEAMY,STEAMY MARVEL SEX ON A SHIELD.

I THINK THAT SHOULD BE...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: WAIT A MINUTE.

ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT CAPTAINAMERICA WOULD FUCK A RUSSKI?

I DON'T THINK SO.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)>> HE GOT ALL HIS POWERS FROM AN

INJECTION-- LET'S SEE WHATHAPPENS TO HER.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)(APPLAUSE)

I'M GOING TO APPLAUD MYSELF.

I'M APPLAUDING MYSELF.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS TO PETE.

SO WAIT, DOES THIS MEAN IFCAPTAIN AMERICA COMES IN YOU,

YOU BECOME A SUPER SOLDIER?

(LAUGHTER)TO BE A CHAMPION, YOU HAVE TO

TRAIN HARD, MAKE SACRIFICES ANDDIG DEEP WHEN IT MATTERS MOST.

ALSO, HAVING A LYNXMOTIONNEUROPROCESSING SERVOMOTOR

DOESN'T HURT, EITHER.

CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO THAT WASTRENDING IN THE TOP OF REDDIT

THAT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS SHOT FROMINSIDE A DOOMSDAY PREPPER'S

BUNKER.

YEAH, AH, AH, WAIT...

EEEE...

OH, CATCHES!

OH, AND THE DISMOUNT!

WAIT FOR IT, WAIT FOR IT. AND...

TA-DA!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> DISMOUNT.

>> HARDWICK: NICE DISMOUNT!

WHAT A CHAMPION!

TECHNICALLY, THE TALLEST GYMNASTEVER TO COMPETE IN THE SPORT.

(LAUGHTER)UH, BESIDES GYMNASTICS, WHAT ARE

SOME OTHER EVENTS IN THE ROBOTOLYMPICS? JAMIE LEE?

>> UH, STEVE JOBS-SLEDDING.

>> HARDWICK: HEY, NICE! POINTS!

YEAH.

HE'S NOT ALIVE ANYMORE.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)HE'S NOT. UH...

(LAUGHTER)I DIDN'T...I DIDN'T DO IT.

>> DIDN'T EVEN NEED A ROBOT TOFIGURE THAT OUT.

>> HARDWICK: NO, DIDN'T NEED AROBOT.

MATT MCCARTHY.

>> UH, FREESTYLE AND GRECO-ROMANDESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY!

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

UH... PETER HOLMES.

>> UH, THE HUNDRED-METER...

(ROBOTICALLY): WHAT IS LOVE?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: THEY DON'T KNOW.

YOU CAN'T PROGRAM LOVE.

>> NO.

>> HARDWICK: HUMAN EMOTIONS ARETOO COMPLEX.

>> WE JUST MADE THAT DOGYMNASTICS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, PETE.

>> HE MADE THE OTHER TEAMUNDERSTAND WHY WE CRY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: BUT JUST LIKE IN

REAL GYMNASTICS, UH, ITS FATHERDOESN'T LOVE IT UNLESS IT LANDS

PERFECTLY.

(GROANS, LAUGHTER)>> WHICH HE DIDN'T-- HE'S A

LITTLE OFF CENTER, I JUST WANTTO POINT OUT.

>> AT LEAST THIS ONE WAS ALLOWEDTO EAT LUNCH.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)POLITICAL. POLITICAL.

(APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: AND THE VACUUM

CLEANER GIVES IT A TEN!

AND... THE TOASTER A 9.5.

ALL RIGHT, IF YOU'RE A FAN OFTHIS PROGRAM, YOU KNOW THAT WE

LOVE THE TWITTER ACCOUNT FLORIDAMAN, AND YOU SHOULD, TOO.

IT COLLECTS THE MOST BONKERSHEADLINES FROM THE STATE WHERE

LOGIC HAS NO MEANING AND DREAMSGO TO DIE IN A POOL OF MALT

LIQUOR VOMIT.

HEADLINES LIKE THIS...

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)AND... THAT'S A SLOW NEWS DAY.

(LAUGHTER)WELL, CIGAR CITY BREWING IS ALSO

A FAN OF SAID TWITTER ACCOUNTAND HAS WHIPPED UP AN IPA CALLED

FLORIDA MAN.

THERE'S WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.

(LAUGHTER)COMEDIANS, USING YOUR

SO-PHISTICATED PALATE, TELL USWHAT THIS BEER TASTES LIKE.

JAMIE LEE?

>> UH, IT TASTES LIKE LYNYRD,DRY, WITH A HINT OF SKYNYRD.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)(WHOOPING)

PETE HOLMES.

>> THE, UH, THE SALTY TEARS OF AONE-LEGGED STRIPPER.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> SALTY-- THAT'S WHAT GOT ME.

EW!

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN, THE DOLLARBILLS WOULD JUST KEEP FALLING

OUT, BECAUSE THE...

>> OH, RIGHT.

WELL, IT DEPENDS WHERE YOU STARTTHE AMPUTATION.

(LAUGHTER)>> OH, MY GOD!

>> HARDWICK: WAIT A MINUTE.

SHE'S GOT ME ON A TECHNICALITY.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING)MY FELLOW AMERICANS, TODAY IS

THE 65TH ANNIVERSARY OF NASAANNOUNCING THE NAMES OF THE

FIRST SEVEN U.S. ASTRONAUTS--YOU KNOW, JOHN GLENN, ALAN

SHEPARD, BUZZ LIGHTYEAR, RINGOSTARR, CROSBY, STILLS, NASH AND

THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY.

SO IN HONOR OF THOSE INTREPIDSPACE PIONEERS WHO FACED MANY

OBSTACLES, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG ISASTRONAUTPROBLEMS.

ASTRONAUTPROBLEMS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:ALIENS LAYING EGGS IN YOUR

CHEST, OR CLOONEY GETS ALL THESPACE TAIL, OR MARS AIN'T A

PLACE TO RAISE YOUR KIDS, INFACT IT'S COLD AS HELL.

UH, I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK. AND BEGIN.

PETE HOLMES.

>> SPACE DIARRHEA.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

THAT WOULD PROPEL YOU IN ZEROGRAVITY.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: MATT.

>> BEING STUCK WITH ANNEHATHAWAY.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)MATT.

>> TRICKING BUGS BUNNY INTO THEROCKET.

>> HARDWICK: YES!

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)(LIKE MARVIN THE MARTIAN):

URANIUM 236 EXPLOSIVE SPACEMODULATOR.

(LAUGHTER)UH... JAMIE.

>> ROAMING CHARGES.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

PETER HOLMES!

>> IT'S HARD TO JERK IT WITHTHOSE OVEN MITT SPACE SUIT

HANDS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

PETE HOLMES AGAIN.

>> BULKY SPACE SUIT MAKES ITHARD TO SHOW OFF YOUR BIG OLD

DICK.

>> HARDWICK: BONUS POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)JAMIE.

>> SPOCK KEEPS TRYING TO SUCKYOUR DICK...

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK (LIKE SPOCK): PETE,

IT SEEMS ILLOGICAL THAT YOURPENIS COULD BE SO LARGE.

(LAUGHTER)PETE.

>> HELMET SNEEZES.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

(LAUGHTER)THAT'LL BE A HUGE PROBLEM.

POINTS.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY STAR WORDS!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY

NEAR SAN FRANCISCO, GEORGE LUCASINVENTED A WAR THAT HAPPENED IN

THE STARS.

SIX BLOCKBUSTER MOVIES ANDMILLIONS OF FANS LATER, WE STILL

HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL R2-D2WAS SAYING, SO IN ANTICIPATION

OF THE FIRST-EVER DIGITALRELEASE OF THE STAR WARS

FRANCHISE ON FRIDAY, APRIL 10,WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN A UNIQUE

OPPORTUNITY-- WE ARE FINALLYGONNA FIND OUT WHAT R2 WAS

SAYING.

TO HELP US WITH THIS SEEMINGLYINSURMOUNTABLE TASK, PLEASE

WELCOME, ALL THE WAY FROM THEFOREST MOON OF ENDOR, THE

GALAXY'S MOST DECORATEDASTROMECH DROID, R2-D2!

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: YES, THANK YOU.

RIGHT HERE.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> YEAH!

>> HARDWICK: THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR JOINING US, R2.

>> (BEEPS)>> HARDWICK: YOU ARE TOO MUCH.

YOU KNOW, UH... I HOPE YOURFLIGHT WAS OKAY.

>> (BEEPS)>> HARDWICK: THEY LOST YOUR

LUGGAGE?

>> (BEEPS)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

WELL, UH...

THIS IS HOW THIS GAME'S GONNAWORK-- COMEDIANS, I AM GONNA

SHOW YOU AN EASILY-LICENSEDSTILL FROM THE NEW DIGITAL

RELEASE OF STAR WARS...

AND YOUR JOB IS TO TELL THEAUDIENCE AT HOME WHAT YOU THINK

R2 WAS ACTUALLY SAYING DURINGTHAT SCENE.

ALL RIGHT, R2, YOU GOOD?

>> (BEEPS)>> HARDWICK: OKAY, GOOD.

I DON'T THINK ANY OF THEM AREPROTOCOL DROIDS.

UH...

>> (BEEPS)>> HARDWICK: WELL, THEY'RE GONNA

HAVE TO TRY THEIR BEST.

>> (BEEPS)>> HARDWICK: TAKE IT DOWN A

NOTCH.

ALL RIGHT, IF R2 LIKES YOURANSWERS, THEN YOU'RE GONNA GET

POINTS:>> (CHIRPY BEEPING)

>> HARDWICK: IF HE DOES NOT LIKEYOUR ANSWERS, YOU'RE GONNA GET

NO POINTS.

>> (WHINING BEEP)>> HARDWICK: SO SAD.

SO SAD.

>> IT IS SO CUTE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, I KNOWTHIS IS THE BIGGEST CELEBRITY

YOU GUYS HAVE EVER MET AND I'MSURE YOU'RE GONNA BE NERVOUS.

LET'S BEGIN.

FIRST UP, R2 STARES OUT THEWINDOW AT THE END OF "EMPIRE".

(BELL DINGS)WHAT WAS R2 SAYING IN THIS

SCENE, MATT MCCARTHY?

>> DUDE, BACK UP, THAT'S YOURSISTER.

>> THAT WAS GOOD.

>> (CHIRPY BEEPING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS TO MATT

MCCARTHY.

UH, JAMIE.

>> 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORECOMIC-CON.

>> HARDWICK: MM-HMM.

>> (CHIRPY BEEPING)>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

>> OH, THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: HERE WE HAVE HANSOLO SURRENDERING THE... TO THE

IMPERIAL TROOPS ON THE MOON OFENDOR, RIGHT THERE.

(BELL DINGS)UH, WHAT'S R2 SAYING, MATT

MCCARTHY?

>> UH, REMEMBER WHEN THIS GUYCRASHED THE MILLENNIUM FALCON ON

A GOLF COURSE?

>> (CHIRPY BEEPING)>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

JAMIE.

>> UH, THROW YOUR HANDS IN THEAIR AND WAVE 'EM LIKE YOU JUST

DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE WEARING ATINY LITTLE VEST.

IT'S SO LITTLE.

>> (CHIRPY BEEPING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS, POINTS.

>> THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP, R2 WATCHESAS LUKE PRACTICES HANDSTANDS.

WHAT'S HE SAYING?

(BELL DINGS)MATT.

>> IS ANYONE PLANNING ONCLEANING ME?

I'M VERY EXPENSIVE.

>> (CHIRPY BEEPING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

R2 POINTS.

JAMIE.

>> UH, LET ME KNOW IF ANY LUNCHMONEY SHAKES OUT OF THOSE

POCKETS, 'CAUSE MAMA'S CRAVING ATWIX.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

>> (CHIRPY BEEPING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

PETE HOLMES.

>> YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S NICE.

>> (CHIRPY BEEPING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT UP, WE HAVE R2 BACK ONTATOOINE WITH MR. AND MRS.

SKY-VADER, UH, RIGHT THERE.

(BELL DINGS)MATT.

>> DO YOU THINK WE CAN FIND SOMESHADE?

I'M R2-D2, NOT SPF 100.

>> HARDWICK: HOW ABOUT THAT?

>> (CHIRPY BEEPING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS FROM R2.

UH, JAMIE.

>> GUYS, I SWEAR WE PARKED INP5.

>> (CHIRPY BEEPING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS FROM R2.

PETE.

>> OOH, THEY'RE LOOKING GOOD.

THIS THIRD WHEEL IS NOT A FOOT.

>> (CHIRPY BEEPING)>> HARDWICK: OH, POINTS.

>> OH, WOW.

>> HARDWICK: AND LASTLY BUT NOTLEASTLY, WE HAVE A PHOTO OF R2

WITH THE D-O-DOUBLE-G HIMSELF.

(BELL DINGS)MATT.

>> WE SHOULD TOTALLY START APODCAST TOGETHER.

>> (CHIRPY BEEPING)>> HARDWICK: YES.

PETE.

>> SNOOP, I AM YOUR FATHER.

>> (CHIRPY BEEPING)>> HARDWICK: YOU GOT POINTS,

THERE.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: YOU GUYS DID VERYWELL-- NO ONE GOT NO POINTS THIS

ENTIRE ROUND, I WAS VERY HAPPY.

EVERYONE DID-DID A GREAT JOB.

>> I KNEW HE'D LIKE ME, I'M-I'MC-3PETE HOLMES.

>> HARDWICK: UH...

>> (WHINING BEEP)>> HARDWICK: OH, PETE.

>> R2.

>> LOOK HOW DISAPPOINTED HE IS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, MAN, I'M SICKOF HIS BULLSHIT, TOO.

YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON TO HAVETHE COURAGE TO SAY IT, R2.

>> SHOW US THE HOLOGRAM OFTUPAC.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT AN INTERNET ART PROJECT

THAT LETS YOU REARRANGE GIFS OFPEOPLE'S BODY PARTS.

I ASKED YOU TO SHARE WHATCHALLENGES YOU FACE AS ONE OF

THESE DIGITAL FRANKENSTEINS.

LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU CAME UPWITH.

JAMIE LEE, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> OKAY.

GETTING PEOPLE TO SEE ME AS MORETHAN JUST A GREAT PIECE OF ASS.

IT'S LIKE COME ON.

MY EYES ARE UP HERE.

AND OVER THERE.

AND LET'S NOT FORGET MY AWESOMEPATCH OF MOLES.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S TOUGH.

YOU GOT IT REAL TOUGH.

JUMBLED MATT MCCARTHY.

>> UH, GIRLS IN BARS THINKINGI'M SETH ROGEN.

>> VERY NICE.

>> I JUST GOT THE CALLBACK.

>> HARDWICK: PETE HOLMES.

>> OH, NO.

NO, NO, NO.

>> AAH!

AAH!

AS WE GO

TO OUR NEXT GAME, FAKE WEBBYAWARDS.

FAKE WEBBY AWARDS.

THE 2015 WEBBY AWARDS WEREANNOUNCED THIS WEEK, HONORING

INTERNET LUMINARIES AND PALS OF@MIDNIGHT LIKE GRACE HELBIG AND

WEIRD AL.

THAT'S, UH, JUSTIN LONG AND JOHNHODGMAN THERE.

THEY'VE ALSO BEEN ON THE SHOW.

WEBBYS FEATURE CATEGORIES LIKEBEST SOCIAL MEDIA WEB SITE AND

BEST WEB SERIES.

COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE IDIDN'T GET ANY NOMINATIONS ON

ANY OF THAT STUFF.

I DO A LOT OF SHIT ON THEINTERNET, GUYS.

WHY DO I NOT GET NOMINATED FORTHE WEBBYS?

"YOUR VIDEOS SUCK, THEY DO."

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

I JUST KEEP A YODA UNDER MY...

>> "THE FORCE IS AVERAGE WITHTHIS ONE."

>> HARDWICK: COMEDIANS, WHAT ARESOME OTHER CATEGORIES YOU'D LIKE

TO SEE IN AN AWARD SHOW HONORINGTHE INTERNET?

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)PETE HOLMES.

>> MOST MISSPELLED RACIAL SLURS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)MATT.

>> GRUMPIEST CAT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)PETE.

>> MOUTHIEST BREATHER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JAMIE.

>> JAPANESE-IEST PORN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)THE ONE WITH THE TENTACLES.

UH... PETE.

>> LONGEST TWITTER RANT, A.K.A.

THE PATTON OSWALT AWARD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JAMIE.

>> UH, MOST PASSIVE AGGRESSIVEFACEBOOK STATUS.

I'M LOOKING AT YOU, CARL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)MATT.

>> KEYBOARD-IEST CAT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)MAY HE REST IN PEACE.

UH, PETE.

YEAH, HE'S FUCKING DEAD.

GET OVER IT.

>> HE'LL LIVE FOREVER!

>> HARDWICK: NOPE, HE'S DEAD.

PETE.

>> WHO PLAYED THE ORGAN AT THEFUNERAL?

>> HARDWICK: UH, PETE.

>> UH, PORN WEB SITE THAT MAKESME FEEL THE MOST SHAME, WHICH IS

ALSO THE JAPANESE ONE WITH THETENTACLES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JAMIE.

>> WORST TITS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.