Tuesday, June 28, 2016

  • 06/28/2016

Jade Catta-Preta, Paul Scheer and Jensen Karp write taglines for the upcoming Tetris trilogy, stand in for Ludacris's hype man and make up #BadMonsterMovies.

You know,we've known for a while

that Tetris is being turnedinto a feature film.

Despite having no characters

or story of any kindthat you can tell. Uh...

Because as column thinas its premise may be

the only thingthat scares away Hollywood

is actually originality, so,

they feel like, "Ah, let's..let's make a Tetris movie.

-People have heard of Tetris." -(laughter)

Uh, but we just learnedthat Tetris...

I don't want to upset you.We've just learned

that Tetris will no longerbe a movie, you guys.

-(audience groaning)-Wait!

It's gonna be three(bleep) movies!

-Three Tetris movies.-(cheers and applause)

That's right.

Oh, the entire Tetris trilogythat we've always never wanted!

-(laughter)-Here it is. Surely we can

trust the same producers whobrought us such cinema classics

as Foodfight! You remember Foodfight!

-(laughter and groaning)-They also made Party Camp.

Party Camp was a good time.

That looks like a camp where

they're havingsome kind of a party.

And then, of course...then, of course, Ghoulies III:

Ghoulies Go to College. What?

(laughter)

-What?!-(cheers and applause)

To be fair, Chris, Ghoulies III really did

-sum up the trilogyperfectly. Yeah. -(laughter)

HARDWICK: Listen, nextto the Tetris trilogy,

this looks like Lawrence of Alab...

Alabia? Oh, Jesus Christ.

-(laughter)-I meant...

-Better movie. Better movie.-That's...

(applause and cheering)

That was a--pardon the expression--

-a slip of the tongue. Uh...-(laughter)

-I apologize. I...-Yes.

...absolutely am embarrassed.

I meantto say Lawrence of Arabia.

And you know what?I don't give a (bleep).

Jack, don't cut it out!Leave it in!

-Yeah!-Leave it in!

(applause and cheering)

So, uh,if you've ever wondered...

If you've ever wondered, how dothey come up with this stuff,

we've actually got some footage

from one of the Tetris moviecreative meetings.

-CATTA-PRETA: Wow.-Right here.

-Uh...-CATTA-PRETA: Wow.

(laughter)

WOMAN:Aw!

No, don't, "Aw."He's a (bleep) asshole!

(laughter)

Look at him!Look at him!

You guys.Murdered this monkey.

And in a fit of rage,

destroyed everythingthe monkey was building.

-Okay.-Uh, comedians, movies in

these epic sagas always haveequally epic titles, like,

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

Or Human Centipede III (Final Sequence).

So, please, give me a sub...

-That really got made.So please... -CATTA-PRETA: Oh.

...give me a subtitlefor one of the films

in the upcoming Tetris trilogy.Jade, go.

Tetris: one dad's quest

to pack the perfect trunkbefore divorce.

-HARDWICK: All right. Perfect.-(laughter)

-(applause)-Paul Scheer.

Tetris.

You'll believe a brick isa better actor than Vin Diesel.

HARDWICK:All right.

(laughter, applause)

-Jensen Karp. -Tetris.

Build a giant wallbefore Trump does.

HARDWICK:All right, perfect.

First up--Guantanamove Bitch!

(laughter)

Guantanamo Bay isa tropical destination

known for its beaches,lush landscapes,

and lack of due process.

And this Fourth of July,they're getting Ludacris,

who will be performingat Gitmo's...

-(laughter) -Ludacris isperforming at this year's

freedom festival,which won the award

for most ironically-namedfestival, uh,

-at Guantanamo Bay.-(laughter)

This is the perfect wayfor organizers to raise morale

and also determineif Ludacris should be

on their terror watch list,all in one go.

I'm sure it'll be great.He's great.

So, comedians,as Luda's hype man,

get the Gitmo crowd all riled upfor his show. Paul.

Yo, give it up for an artistwho thought

he was performing at Bonnaroo!Ludacris!

HARDWICK:All right, points.

(applause and cheering)

Jade.

Yo, yo, it's gonna getso hot in here,

you're gonna wantto get water-boarded!

-All right. Points.-(cheers and applause)

Jensen.

(rapping): ♪ I wantto kick, kick, kick, kick you ♪

♪ Till your head explodes,and I want to ♪

♪ Water-board youtill you can't talk no more ♪

♪ And I want to move your bedtill you sleep on the floor... ♪

And when the government comes,we're gonna

-pretend none of this happened.-All right, points.

It's now timefor our #HashtagWars.

(applause and cheering)

It's hot.

Last week wasthe forty-first anniversary

of America's originalsummer blockbuster, Jaws,

-which I have in shoe form.-CATTA-PRETA: Oh.

(applause and cheering)

(Hardwick singstheme to "Jaws" character)

(roaring)

(cheers and applause)

CATTA-PRETA:We all just got a little dumb.

Someone actually agreedto marry me.

(laughter)

Well, now, there's beena raging debate over the years

about whether or not Jaws canactually be called

a monster movie in the traditionof Frankenstein and King Kong.

I mean, Jaws, the sharkis really only

about five feet longerthan a normal shark.

Monstrous, sure,but is it a monster?

Which is why tonight's hashtagis "Bad Monster Movies."

-CATTA-PRETA: Yes. -SCHEER: Ooh.-Examples might be,

Jaws II: Jaws In Love.

And Niece of Frankenstein.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock. And begin.

-Jade. -The Squirting. -(laughter)

-Yeah.-(applause and cheering)

-Paul. -Conjuring II: Electric Boogaloo.

-Points. Jensen. -An American Werewolf in Burbank.

-Points. Jade. -Drakes On a Plane.

Points.

-Jensen. -The Blair Underwood Project.

Points. Jensen.

An all male reboot of theall-female Ghostbusters reboot.

All right, points. Paul.

-Dr. Jekyll and Mr. David Hyde Pierce. -Points.

-(laughter)-Jade.

Pacific Rim Job. -Points.

-Jensen. -It Swallows.

-Points!-(laughter)

-(whooping, applause)-I like that.

-Jade. -Rosemary's Dumpster Baby.

-Points! Yes!-(laughter)