CC Presents: Ryan Stout

  • 01/11/2010

NEVER.

YEAH, BECAUSE I THINK THEHOMELESS HAVE IT PRETTY GOOD.

BECAUSE 98% OF DEADLY ACCIDENTSHAPPEN INSIDE THE HOME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

COME ON, THAT'S PRETTY NICE,ISN'T IT?

IT'S AWFULLY HARD TO SLIPAND FALL IN THE SHOWER

WHEN YOU DON'T...

WASH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND AGAIN, NOT A MEAN JOKE.LOOK AT SOME OF YOU.

"MNH-MNH-MNH-MNH-MNH-MNH-MNH."

THAT'S NOT A MEAN JOKE,

NOT WHEN I'M JUST TELLING YOUHOW IT IS,

FACT BY FACT, STATISTICS.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M OUT THEREPERSONALLY HURTING THE HOMELESS,

SETTING THEM ON FIREOR SOMETHING.

AND I COULD.THEY'RE LIKE 90% ALCOHOL, SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...THEY GO RIGHT UP...

I BET.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I BET.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE THAT WORD,"HOMELESS."

I THINK IT'S NEGATIVE.I THINK IT STEREOTYPES PEOPLE.

INSTEAD OF THAT,I PREFER "DIRTY AMERICAN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T LIKE THAT WORD"HIPPY," EITHER.

HIPPY, KIND OF THE SAME THING.

YOU KNOW, IT PIGEONHOLES PEOPLETO FIT A CERTAIN DEMOGRAPHIC.

"HIPPY" -- TERRIBLE WORD.

INSTEAD OF THAT,I PREFER "DIRTY AMERICAN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I DON'T LIKE THAT WORD"MEXICAN," EITHER.

[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

I PREFER "LATINO."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I WAS FLYING OUT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S NOT LOUISIANA.

I WAS FLYING OUT.

I WAS ON, UH, KANYE WEST,AND I WAS IN THE TERMINAL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

GET INTO HIP-HOP.IT HELPS THE JOKES.

I WAS IN THE TERMINAL.

I'M WAITING TO GET ON MY PLANE.

THERE WAS A GUYGETTING ON MY FLIGHT.

HE ONLY HAD ONE ARM -- JUST ONE!

THIS ARM RIGHT HERE --COMPLETELY GONE --

NO NUB, NO NOTHING.

AND I'M WATCHING THIS FELLOWGET ON MY FLIGHT,

AND ALL I COULD THINK WAS...

..."PLEASE LET ME SITNEXT TO HIM."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND I DID.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WRONG SIDE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND HE FOUGHT FOR THE ARMREST.

BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU,HE FOUGHT FOR IT!

"CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T WANTTHE WINDOW SEAT.

RUDE."

[ HUMMING ]

♪ "KNOW YOUR PLACE IN LIFE"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"OH...

"GREAT.

I GUESS IT'S MY JOB TO HELPWITH SOMEBODY'S OXYGEN MASK."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"WE'LL SEE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HUH?

"RAVIOLI OR CHICKEN."

"IF YOU GET THE CHICKEN,DO I HAVE TO HELP YOU CUT THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT'S YOUR DEAL, BUDDY?

WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE A BIGDEF LEPPARD FAN OR WHAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"OH, OH, COMEDY SHOW!"SHUT UP!

AND GET INTO VH1.IT HELPS THE JOKES.

I LUCKED OUT.

HE DIDN'T WANT TO CHITCHATAT ALL,

WHICH WAS PERFECT,

BECAUSE IF THAT GUY WOULD TRYTO INTRODUCE HIMSELF...

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS NOT SHAKING THAT HAND.

BECAUSE CHANCES ARE...

...NOT VERY CLEAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TO WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DOHERE TONIGHT,

I HAVE TO TELL YOUTHAT WHEN I'M ON STAGE,

I ENJOY A VERY SPECIFICTYPE OF LAUGH.

MY FAVORITE LAUGH IN THE WHOLEWORLD IS THIS KIND OF LAUGH.

"UH..."

[ EXHALING SHARPLY ]

[ LAUGHS DRYLY ]

MM...

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S KIND OF A...

"I SUPPORT THIS...

BUT NOT...PUBLICLY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S THE SAME KIND OF LAUGHTHAT I'M SURE HAPPENS

LIKE IF YOU SEE SOMEONEFALL DOWN THE STAIRS...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...AT THE BATTERED-WOMEN'SSHELTER.

[ LAUGHTER AND GROANING ]

AWW!

YEAH, DID YOU FEELHOW DIFFERENT THAT WAS?

I LOVE THAT LAUGH.

WHAT HAPPENS WITH THAT LAUGHIS DOWN HERE IN THIS PLACE,

THIS PLACE OF LIKE SADNESSAND HUMAN EMPATHY,

YOU GO, "OH, SOMEONE'SGETTING HURT!"

[ SNICKERS ]

"THAT'S NOT GOOD."

AND THEN AT THE SAME TIME,UP IN THIS PLACE,

THIS PLACE OF LIKE LOGICAND CONTEXT, YOU GO,

"WELL, THAT'S...PERFECT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO I GUESSWHAT I'M SAYING, CROWD --

CAN I CALL YOU "CROWD"?GREAT.

WHAT I'M SAYING IS, ISDURING MY PORTION OF THE SHOW,

IF YOU FIND YOURSELFIN ANY WAY ANGRY...

OR OFFENDED...

[ WHIMPERS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

...BY A JOKE,

WHAT'S HAPPENING IS

YOU'RE COMING TOO MUCHFROM THIS PLACE DOWN HERE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...AND THEN UP HERE,YOU'RE STUPID.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

HE DECIDED HE SHOULD BEPART OF THE SHOW.

YEAH, AND HE MADE THAT KNOWNTO THE GROUP BY SAYING,

"HEY, MAKE FUN OF ME!"

"I'M IN A WHEELCHAIR!MAKE FUN OF ME!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"NO."

AND I DON'T HAVEWHEELCHAIR MATERIAL...

TO BREAK OUT AT HIS FANCY.

SO I SAID, "WELL, SIR, LET'S GETTO KNOW YOU A LITTLE BIT."

BAD IDEA.

TURNS OUT HE'S IN THE CHAIR

BECAUSE HE DOVE INTO THE WRONGEND OF A SWIMMING POOL.

[ GROANS ]

TOO GRAPHIC. STRIKE ONE.

HE'S PARALYZEDFROM THE WAIST DOWN --

TOO SAD, STRIKE TWO --

AND HE'S ONLY BEEN IN THE CHAIRFOR SIX MONTHS --

THAT'S TOO SOON, CROWD.STRIKE THREE. I'M DONE.

AND AS HE'S TELLING THE STORY,

THE WHOLE CROWD IS GETTING WEIRDAND QUIET...

[ SCATTERED LAUGHTER ]

KIND OF LIKE THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I COULD FEEL EVERYBODYSTARTING TO SYMPATHIZE

WITH THIS GUY WHEN THEY SHOULDBE SYMPATHIZING WITH ME,

SINCE I'M THE ONEWHO'S ON THE SPOT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I COULD SEEALL THESE STRANGE FACES

LOOKING AT ME LIKE, "MNH-MNH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"DON'T, DON'T.

DON'T MAKE FUN OF HIM."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I WASN'T GONNA LAYINTO THE GUY.

I FELT BAD FOR HIM.

BUT I ALSO HAD TO GET OUTOF THIS SITUATION

THAT HE PUT ME IN.

I TRIED TO BE NICE.I TRIED TO BE GENTLE.

I TRIED TO EASE OUT.

I SAID THE EXACT WRONG THING.

"GEE, I...

I BET YOU'LL NEVERDO THAT AGAIN."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

DID YOU SEE A ZOO IN CALIFORNIA

JUST HAD A NEW BABY PANDA BEARTHAT WAS BORN ALL BLACK?

AND THE ZOO IS BLAMINGTHE JANITOR,

AND I THINK THAT IS RACIST.

I THINK THAT IS RACIST,AND I THINK THAT'S WRONG.

YOU DON'T DO THAT.

IT'S 2000-SOMETHING,FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

CAN WE STOP?

YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH, THIS WAS TERRIBLE.

BEIJING, CHINA,SCHOOLHOUSE BURNED DOWN.

DID YOU SEE THAT?KILLED 25 KIDS.

Awful.

AND THE WORST PART WAS,

THEY ALL GOT OUTOF THE BUILDING OKAY,

BUT THEY JUST RAN AROUND ITAND THEN DARTED BACK INSIDE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

HELP YOUR FRIENDS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF DRILLSARE THEY TEACHING THESE KIDS...

IN CHINA...

IN CASE OF FIRE?

THEY WERE ALL FOUND DEADIN THE WRONG DESKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AGAIN, NOT A COMEDIANTHAT SPOON-FEEDS YOU THE JOKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OF MY SHOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOME OF YOU WILL LOOK UPTHAT WORD LATER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I VOLUNTEER...

FOR THE MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION.

AND I WORK WITH A YOUNG MAN.HIS NAME IS CHRIS, AND HE IS...

[ Voice breaking ]HE'S 19 YEARS OLD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AW, COME ON, EVERYBODY!

AND LITTLE CHRIS KNOWSI DO STANDUP COMEDY...

ALL OVER THE COUNTRYTO RAVE REVIEWS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SCREW YOU.HOW ABOUT THAT? SCREW YOU.

AND HE KNEW I'D BE DOINGTHE SHOW HERE TONIGHT AT...

AT HERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND SO EARLIER THIS WEEK,LITTLE CHRIS MADE HIS...

I'M SORRY -- LITTLE CHRISMADE HIS FINAL WISH.

AND HIS WISH WASFOR THIS SHOW TONIGHT,

HE WANTED ME TO GET ON STAGE,AND HE WANTED ME TO...

...HE WANTED ME TO BOMB...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...TANK...

EAT IT...

THROW THE SHOW.

[ CHUCKLES ]

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I CAME UP HERE, AND [CHUCKLES]

I LOOKED OUT AT YOURBRIGHT AND SHINING FACES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?"

[ CHUCKLES ]

"THAT KID'S GONNA DIE ANYWAY,RIGHT?"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND THEN YOU'LL GO OUT,

AND YOU'LL BUY SOMETHING SIMILAROR IDENTICAL,

BUT YOU GET A BETTER PRICE?

DOESN'T THAT FEEL GREAT?

DON'T YOU FEEL JUST RIGHTEOUSAND SUPERIOR?

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.

MY FRIEND,HE JUST STARTED SUPPORTING

ONE OF THOSETHIRD-WORLD KIDS, RIGHT?

AND HE WAS PAYING LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...LIKE 47 CENTS A WEEK.

I STARTED SUPPORTINGA SIMILAR KID...

36 CENTS A WEEK.

YEAH, YEAH.

THANK YOU.YOU HAVE TO LOOK FOR THE DEAL.

YOU HAVE TO, BECAUSE PEOPLEWANT TO RIP YOU OFF.

AND I LOVE MY KID JUST AS MUCH.

"LITTLE BARGAIN" --THAT'S HIS NAME.

AND I LOVE HIM...JUST --

I MEAN, SURE, SURE,HE'S FROM RWANDA,

AND HE'S MISSING SOME PARTS,BUT I LOVE HIM --

I LOVE HIM LIKE HE'S ALL THERE.

AND YOU CAN'T BUY LOVE,YOU KNOW?

SO WHY PAY MORE?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

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