Norm Macdonald & Dan Rosen

  • Season 1, Ep 0113
  • 02/24/1992

I HAVE A NOSTRIL HAIR.

SO WHAT?

AFTER 40,YOU DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

IT'S A NICE SET.

I DIDN'T BUILD ITBUT IT'S FA...

THIS REMINDED ME OF LAST NIGHT.

IT REMINDED ME OF...YOU KNOW, THE OLYMPICS NOW.

THE NEW...THE FORMER SOVIET UNION LOGO.

I JUST...

WHEN THAT FLAG CAME DOWN,I WENT...

THERE WAS SOUPY SALES MAKING...WITH A HIBACHI.

THEN THERE WAS...

I DON'T KNOW WHATIT'S EVEN CALLED NOW.

I MEAN, REALLY, I'M NOT AN IDIOT

BUT WHATEVER IT'S CALLED NOW...

IF IT'S CALLED "HELLO LAND"OR "'HI, I'M AL' LAND"

BUT THE SONGWHEN THE FLAG CAME DOWN

AND THEY PLAYEDTHE LAUREL AND HARDY...

DID YOU SEE IT?

( sings Laurel and Hardy theme )

IT WAS EMBARRASSING.

AND I FELT FOR THEIR ATHLETES,BUT I UNDER...

IT'S LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

I UNDERSTAND.

I WAS BROUGHT UP WITH IT.

I GO ON THE ROAD.

WHEN I DO CONCERTS,I BRING A PORTABLE WAILING WALL.

EVERY HOTEL, I CAN GO,"OH, I DON'T FEEL WELL.

I DON'T THINKI'M GOING TO DO GOOD TONIGHT."

( laughter )

WHEN I WAS, LIKE,IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL...

PEOPLE USED TO SAY,"WHERE WERE YOU..."

SAD, BUT "WHERE WERE YOUWHEN J.F.K. GOT ASSASSINATED?"

MY FAMILY: "WHERE WERE YOUWHEN HELLO, LARRY GOT CANCELED?"

( laughter )

BUT THEY WERE CRAZY.

I SAY THAT AFFECTIONATELY,MOM, IF YOU'RE WATCHING.

OUR FAMILY'S THEME WAS,"STARVE A FEELING, FEED A COLD"

WHICH GOT ME TO WHEREI'M AT RIGHT NOW.

BUT SO, WITH MY BACKGROUND,IT'S NO SHOCK THAT TO THIS DAY

I STILL ONLY FANTASIZEABOUT MASTURBATION

WHICH IS SORT OF SAD.

COME ON, MY GRANDPARENTSHAD A SATELLITE DISH.

IT WAS THE FIRST ONE,LIKE IN 1961.

IT WAS A JEWISH ONE.

IT PICKED UP PROBLEMSFROM OTHER FAMILIES.

YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

( laughter )

A BIG GAY PARADE GOING ONWHEN I WAS THERE

AND I'D NEVER BEENTO ONE OF THEM

AND I LIKE A PARADE, YOU KNOW?

I ALWAYS LIKE A PARADE.

SO, UH... I GO THERE

AND IT TURNS OUTIT'S JUST A BUNCH OF GAY GUYS.

( laughter )

THAT'S A HELLOF A PARADE THERE, HUH?

IMAGINE THAT ON THE TV?

YOU GOT WILLARD SCOTTAND FAITH DANIELS:

"HERE'S THE BIG PARADE!TIME FOR THE BIG PARADE.

"OH, IT'S A BUNCH OF GAY GUYS.

"WELL, LOOK AT THAT.

AND THERE ARE SOME MOREGAY GUYS BEHIND THEM..."

( laughter )

"AND, UH...THERE'S SOME MORE GAY GUYS.

WELL, HELL OF A PARADETHIS TURNED OUT TO BE."

BRING YOUR KID.

YOU GOT HIM ON YOUR SHOULDER.

"A BIG PARADE HERE, BILLY.

"HERE IT IS HERE.

OH, IT'S A BUNCH OF GAY GUYS."

( laughter )

"WELL, BILLY, HELL OF A PARADETHIS TURNED OUT TO BE."

( sighs )

A LOT OF GAYS ARE COMING OUTOF THE CLOSET.

IT'S THE BIG THING TO DO.

DICK SARGENT CAME OUT.

YOU KNOW THAT GUY?

DARRIN FROM BEWITCHED.

JEEZ, I HOPEIT DOESN'T HURT HIS CAREER.

THAT'D BE A HELL OF A THING.

( laughter )

THAT'D BE A BAD THING.

I WISH GAY GUYS WOULDCOME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

YOU'D KNOW WHO'S GAY.

WHO THE HELL CARES?

WHAT I DON'T LIKEIS WHEN NOBODY KNOWS.

PEOPLE ALWAYS SUSPECTING YOUOF BEING GAY.

YOU KNOW, YOUR BUDDIESWILL BE BEHIND YOUR BACK--

"GEE, I HAVEN'T SEEN FREDWITH A WOMAN FOR A FEW DAYS."

"YEAH, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT

HE ASKED METO GO SWIMMING WITH HIM."

"OH! FRED'S GAY!"

( laughter )

"COME ON,LET'S GO TELL EVERYBODY.

FRED'S GAY, FRED'S GAY."

"HELLO, FRED'S GAY.

"I KNOW I DON'T KNOW YOU.

"I PLUCKED YOUR NAME AT RANDOMFROM THE PHONE BOOK

BUT, UH...TURNS OUT FRED'S GAY."

( laughter )

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

ACTUALLY,I WAS READING THIS BOOK.

THEY SAID

THAT EVERY GUY QUESTIONSHIS SEXUALITY--

WONDERS IF MAYBETHEY'RE A BIT GAY THEMSELVES.

YOU EVER HAVEA MOMENT LIKE THAT?

MAYBE YOU'LL BE WATCHINGTHE TV AND YOU GO

"JEEZ, THAT BRUCE BOXLEITNER'SA GOOD-LOOKING GUY THERE."

WAIT A MINUTE, I'M A GUY,NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT HERE.

LET ME SEE, I'M A GUY.

BRUCE BOXLEITNER'S A GUYAND I, UH...

CARRY THE THREE

AND THAT GOES OVER THERE.

( laughter )

I WAS READING YESTERDAY

THEY SAIDIF YOU'RE AFRAID OF HOMOSEXUALS

IT MEANS DEEP DOWNYOU'RE A HOMOSEXUAL YOURSELF.

YEAH.

THAT WORRIES MEBECAUSE I'M AFRAID OF DOGS.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKEDOGS AND, UH...

( laughter )

LATELY I'VE HAD A HANKERINGTO DRINK FROM THE TOILET BOWL.

THAT'S THE FUNNY PART THERE.

I...

YESTERDAY I SNIFFEDA GIRL'S BUTT ON THE STREET.

( laughter )

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

IT HAS NOTHING TO DOWITH THE JOKE

BUT I THOUGHTI'D GET IT OFF MY CHEST THERE.

I DON'T NEED THATHANGING OVER ME LIKE A SCYTHE.

I BOUGHT A DOG RECENTLY.

THEY'RE EXPENSIVE, THESE DOGS.

BOY, I'LL TELL YOU.

GO TO THIS DOG STOREAND THE SALESMAN THERE--

A TYPICAL SALESMAN--

TRIES TO SELL ME THE MOSTEXPENSIVE DOG IN THE STORE--

YOU KNOW, BIG $600 DOG.

BIG, GIANT...IT WAS A PIT BULL DOG.

YOU EVER SEEN THEM?

$600, AND I WAS LOOKING TO PAY

MAYBE, YOU KNOW,A BUCK OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

( laughter )

TWO BUCKS.

THAT WAS MY CEILING.

SO HE SAYS, "WHY DON'T YOUBUY THIS PIT BULL?

THIS WILL PROTECTYOUR VALUABLES."

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHINGVERY VALUABLE, YOU KNOW.

I BUY THE PIT BULL

THAT WOULD BETHE MOST VALUABLE THING I OWN.

I'D HAVE TO BUY SOMETHINGTO PROTECT IT THEN.

YOU KNOW, IT'D BE...

BE OUT SHOPPING FOR WOLVERINESTHE NEXT DAY THERE SOMEWHERE.

YOU KNOW?

"SHOW ME SOMETHINGIN A TIMBER WOLF, MY GOOD MAN."

I'D BE SAYING.

SOME GOOD MAN.

OH, THAT'S A HELL OF A DOGTO GET, THOUGH, THEM PIT BULLS.

THEY KILL YOU.

RIP YOUR THROAT OUT.

I WANT A DOG TO DO THINGSLIKE FETCH MY SLIPPERS.

THAT'S WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT A DOG.

A PIT BILL WON'T DO IT.

I SAY, "HEY, PIT BULL,FETCH MY SLIPPERS."

A PIT BULL WILL GO

"I COULD KILL YOU,BUDDY, WHAT THE HELL.

"I FETCH PEOPLE,THAT'S ALL I FETCH.

"I COULD FETCH YOU A GUY.

THAT'S THE BESTI COULD DO FOR YOU."

( laughter )

"MAYBE HE'LL BE WEARINGSOME SLIPPERS.

"I COULD FETCH YOU A GUY

"AROUND BEDTIME.

I COULD POP OFFSOME GUY THERE AND..."

YOU GO, "ALL RIGHT, THEN,NINE AND A HALF.

AWAY YOU GO THERE."

THE DOBERMAN DOG.

AND THEY'D KILL YOU, TOO.

THEY'D RIP YOUR THROAT OUT.

THEY'RE NOT FASTLIKE A PIT BULL.

A DOBERMAN ALWAYS WOULDGIVE YOU A LITTLE HEAD START.

( laughter )

THEY SEE YOU ON THE STREET

AND THEY GO,"THAT YOUR HOUSE OVER THERE?

GO AHEAD, GO ON OVER THERE."

THEN THEY'D LOOKAT THEIR TIMEPIECES.

THEN THEY'D RIPYOUR THROAT OUT.

IT'D BE PRETTY, THOUGH.

SOAR THROUGH THE AIRAND RIP YOUR THROAT OUT.

YOU DON'T SEEDOBERMANS AROUND ANYMORE.

THEY'RE LIKE THE FORGOTTEN DOG.

NOW IT'S ALL PIT BULL!

PIT BULL!

THEY GOT ALL THE DOMESTICSECURITY WORK AND EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW,THE DOBERMAN CAN'T GET A JOB.

ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU SEE THEMON A PARK BENCH WITH A FRISBEE.

"I USED TO BE SOMEBODY!

I'M A DOBERMAN!"

( laughter )

SO I DIDN'T GET A KILLER DOG.

I ALWAYS BUY A DOG, YOU KNOW...

WHEN I'M BUYING MY DOGI ALWAYS THINK TO MYSELF

"HEY, IF HE WERE TO GO BERSERK,WOULD I BE ABLE TO TAKE HIM?"

YOU OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO BEAT UPYOUR DOG, YOU KNOW.

I GOT A NICE WIENER DOG--ONE OF THEM WIENER DOGS?

( laughter )

A WIENER DOG CAN'T RIP OUTYOUR THROAT OR ANYTHING.

UNLESS YOU'RE LYING DOWN,YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

( laughter )

I'D BE LYING DOWN SLEEPINGLATE AT NIGHT

AND THE WIENER DOGWOULD SNEAK UP

STARTS NIBBLINGAT YOUR THROAT THERE.

MAYBE BY DAYBREAK,HE'S GOT AHOLD OF A VEIN.

YOU WAKE UP, "OH! GET AWAYFROM ME, YOU WIENER DOG!

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINKYOU ARE-- A PIT BULL?

YOU'RE A WIENER DOG,THAT'S ALL YOU'LL EVER BE."

( laughter )

GIVE YOU A HICKEY

THAT'S THE WORST YOU GETOUT OF A WIENER DOG.

DID YOU EVER BUYYOUR DOG A GIFT?

THAT'S ALWAYS A WEIRD THING.

I GOT MINE RUBBER BONESAND HE GOES, "OH, GREAT, A BONE!

"OH, YEAH, IT'S NOT A BONE,A MILLION LAUGHS, PAL.

"THAT'S...

KIND OF A GAG ITEMYOU GOT ME THERE, YOU BASTARD."

MY GRANDMOTHER GOT MY DOGA SWEATER--

KNITTED HIM A SWEATER.

THERE'S A USELESS PRESENTFOR A DOG, HUH?

WHAT HAPPENSIF THE DOG GETS LOST

AND HE'S WEARING A SWEATER?

HOW LONG IS HE GOING TO SURVIVEIN THE ALLEYWAYS

WITH THAT ON HIS BACK?

THEM'S MEAN STREETS IF YOU'REA WIENER DOG IN A CARDIGAN.

YOU DON'T LAST TOO LONG.

THEY'D KILL YOU.

( laughter )

ALMOST DIDN'TEVEN GET DOWN HERE.

MY DAD DROVE ME DOWN HERE.

DRIVE-- BAD WORD, REALLY.

YOU KNOW THAT KIND OF DAD

THAT WHEN HE DRIVES YOUR CAR,HE FEELS NO NEED WHATSOEVER

TO PUT ANY PRESSUREON THE ACCELERATOR?

KEEPS THE CAR GOINGAT THAT STEADY 17 MILES AN HOUR

NO MATTER WHAT ROAD HE'S ON.

MY DAD DRIVES SO SLOW

WHEN WE'RE ON THE HIGHWAY,AMISH PEOPLE GIVE US THE FINGER.

( laughter )

MY BROTHER JUSTBOUGHT HIMSELF A YUGO

BECAUSE HE'S DOING REAL WELL.

HE, UH...

( laughter )

HE GOT IT USED.

HE... IT'S A '92.

ANYWAY, HE...

HE'S MY AGENT.

ANYWAY, THE POINT IS...

( laughter )

HE HAD THE NERVETO GET A CAR PHONE WITH A YUGO.

( laughter )

IT'S A PAY PHONE, BUT STILL.

( laughter )

HATE DRIVING AROUND.

ESPECIALLY I HATE GETTING STUCKBEHIND AN ACCIDENT, RIGHT?

I DON'T MEANDIRECTLY BEHIND AN ACCIDENT

BECAUSE THAT'S KIND OF COOL.

YOU KNOW, BLOOD, GUTS, LAST BOY SCOUT KIND OF THING.

I MEAN WHEN YOU'RE STUCKA MILE BEHIND THE ACCIDENT.

NOW, THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES,WE'RE ALL HUMAN BEINGS.

WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUTWHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE PEOPLE.

YOU SIT THERE GOING,"I HOPE EVERYBODY'S OKAY.

LOOKS PRETTY BAD--A FIRE TRUCK AND ALL."

BUT AFTER ABOUT TEN MINUTES

YOU COME TO THISLITTLE SELF-REALIZATION:

YOU REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE GOT PLACES TO GO;

THEY'RE ALREADY WHERE THEY'RE GOING.

( laughter )

SO NOW YOU BARGAINWITHIN YOURSELF

HOW BAD AN ACCIDENT YOU NEED TOSEE TO MAKE IT WORTH YOUR WAIT.

START OFF SMALL, FIRST TENMINUTES, YOU'RE JUST GOING

"I JUST NEED TO SEEONE DEAD GUY.

THAT'S ALL, JUST ONE."

20 MINUTES LATER,"HOW ABOUT A BUS ON ITS SIDE

"OIL LEAKING, SPARKS FLYING?

THAT'LL BE HELPFUL."

HOUR LATER, "I NEED TO SEEGLORIA ESTEFAN CUT IN TWO.

THAT'S WHAT I NEED TO SEE."

I'M GETTING SICKOF THIS BASHING EACH OTHER

THESE COUNTRIES, JAPAN, AMERICA.

GUESS JAPAN STARTED FIRST,RIGHT?

JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER SAIDA COUPLE MONTHS AGO

"ALL AMERICANS ARELAZY AND OVERPAID."

YEAH?

( laughter )

IS THAT A BAD THING?

THAT'S WHY WE LIVE HERE.

( laughter and applause )

IT'S THE GREAT THINGABOUT OUR COUNTRY.

THERE ARE NOTSO MANY GREAT THINGS ANYMORE.

OTHER COUNTRIES ARE GETTINGBETTER AT STUFF.

JAPANESE TOOK NUMBER ONEIN THE POLITENESS TRAIL.

JAPANESE ARE CERTAINLYMORE POLITE THAN AMERICANS.

I DON'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIMETHEIR PRIME MINISTER CAME

AND STARTED BLOWING CHUNKSON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN.

NICE WAY FOR PRESIDENT BUSHTO CUT THAT DEAL, HUH?

GET THEM TO BUY MORE CARS.

"LET'S JUST THROW UPIN HIS LAP.

THAT'LL WORK."

THIS SOME NEW FORM OF DIPLOMACY?

GET CHINA TO TURNINTO A DEMOCRACY.

"THANKS A LOT, HOP-SING.

"PULL MY FINGER.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

I THINK WE NEED A LEADER WHO CANCONTROL HIS BODY FUNCTIONS

BEFORE WE LET HIMCONTROL THE ECONOMY.

I DON'T MIND THE JAPANESEBUILDING BETTER CARS.

WE HAVE OTHER THINGSTO WORRY ABOUT.

WE HAVE MORE PROBLEMSTHAN THEY DO.

THEY DON'T HAVE A CRIME PROBLEM;

A VIOLENCE PROBLEM;A DRUG PROBLEM.

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVEARMED FORCES IN JAPAN.

THEY DON'T HAVE AN ARMY,A NAVY OR AN AIR FORCE.

THAT'S WHY,NOT SO COINCIDENTALLY

MOST MONSTERS ATTACKJAPAN FIRST.

( laughter )

THAT'S WHY THEY COULDN'T HELP USWITH THE WAR.

THEY WERE TOO BUSYWITH THE MOTHRA DEFENSE.

REMEMBER THE WAR?

REMEMBER THE WAR?

THAT WAS ON THE SERIES DESERT STORM, ON CNN LAST YEAR?

SADDAM AND HIS PATHETICLITTLE THREATS TO OUR COUNTRY.

MY FAVORITE: HE THREATENEDTO SEND TERRORISTS

INTO NEW YORK CITY.

YEAH, THAT'LL MAKEA DIFFERENCE, THANKS.

IT MIGHT BE SAFERWITH TERRORISTS PATROLLING.

HE ALSO SAIDHE WOULD SEND TERRORISTS

INTO AMERICA'S HEARTLAND--

TO THE MOVIE THEATERSAND THE MALLS.

SENDING TERRORISTSINTO AMERICA'S MALLS

THAT'S SOMETHING.

TAKING ON YOUR COALITIONFORCES, THAT'S ONE THING.

TAKING ON OUR AMERICAN WOMEN

SHOPPING FOR RED-DOT SALESAT THE LIMITED--

A WHOLE 'NOTHER OPERATIONALTOGETHER.

THINK AMERICAN WOMEN WOULD CARE

IF THEY SAW AN ARMED FOREIGN GUYIN THE SALE?

THEY'D WALK RIGHT UP TO HIM.

"EXCUSE ME, DO YOU WORK HERE?

"IS THE HEAD WRAPIN THE ACCESSORIES SECTION?

"AND THAT'S PARTOF THE RED-DOT SALE?

"OH, THAT'S YOUR FOREHEAD.

I AM SORRY, SIR."

( laughter )

WHEN WE WERENUMBER ONE IN SPORTS?

WATCH THE OLYMPICS?

WE SUCK.

WHAT DID WE WIN?

ONE SILVER MEDALIN DODGE BALL THIS YEAR?

WHAT?

( laughter )

AMERICA USED TO BE GREATIN ALL THIS STUFF.

KNOW WHAT AMERICA DOES?

WE HAVE PROFESSIONAL ATHLETESIN THE OLYMPICS NOW.

WHAT IS THAT?

THAT'SA GREAT AMERICAN PHILOSOPHY:

"WE CAN'T WIN, WE CHANGETHE RULES TILL WE CAN WIN."

WE DID THATWITH THE AMERICA'S CUP.

WE WON 140 STRAIGHT YEARSIN A ROW.

WE LOSE ONE TIME--CHANGE THE RULES.

FOUR YEARS LATER,WE SHOW UP AT THE DOCK

"HEY, THEY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING

ABOUT PUTTING A ROCKET ENGINEON BOARD, DID THEY?"

NEW ZEALAND SHOWS UP WITHTHIS HAND-BUILT YACHT FROM 1955.

WE COME WITH THEFRIGGING SPACE SHUTTLE

WITH A POPEYE SHEETTIED TO THE MAST.

"IT'S A BOAT, MAN.

IT'S A BOAT."

WE ARE NUMBER ONE IN ONE SPORT,WHICH IS BASEBALL.

I ALWAYS GO TO BASEBALL GAMES.

ALL GUYS DO THIS-- WE BRINGOUR GLOVES TO THE GAMES.

WHAT ARE WE THINKING?

WE'LL GET A SHOTAT PLAYING IN THE GAME?

CAL RIPKEN, JR.'SGOING TO GET HURT

ANNOUNCER'S GOING TO COME ON:

"YEAH, CAL, JR.'S HURT.

"MURRAY FELDMAN,SECTION 14, ROW 12,

"COULD YOU COME DOWN,TAKE A COUPLE GROUND BALLS?

"OH, GOOD.

"YOU GOT YOUR GLOVE?

PERFECT."

AS THE WAR ENDED,BASEBALL SEASON STARTED.

BASEBALL ANNOUNCERSWOULD NEVER LET A WAR

PREEMPT A BASEBALL GAME.

BASEBALL'S TOO IMPORTANT.

THE ANNOUNCERS DON'T CAREWHAT'S GOING ON.

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH

CAL RIPKEN, JR. UPFOR THE ORIOLES.

HE'S BATTING .292,21 HOME RUNS, 90 RBIs.

HE FACING THE YANKEES'LEFTHANDER PEREZ.

BY THE WAY, THIS MESSAGECAME IN LAST INNING

FROM THE EMERGENCYBROADCAST SYSTEM.

SORRY, FORGOT TO MENTION THAT.

THE IRAQI MILITARY HAS LAUNCHEDA TOTAL NUCLEAR STRIKE OF 348...

THAT'S GOING WAY BACK TO THEWALL-- BALL GOES OUT OF HERE!

CAL RIPKEN WAS NUMBER 23ON THE EARTH.

IT'S A 4-2 BALL GAME.

WE HAVE THE LEFTHANDER ORSULAKTO FACE THE LEFTY PEREZ.

AND SPEAKING OF LEFTISTS

LET'S GET BACKTO THAT MILITARY MESSAGE.

THE IRAQI MILITARY HAS 348INCOMING THERMONUCLEAR WARHEADS

THAT WILL LANDIN THE UNITED STATES

WITHIN FIVE TO 15 MINUTES.

AND SPEAKING OF INCOMING

CLEVELAND INDIANS--BIG HOME STAND THIS WEEKEND.

GEIGER COUNT TONIGHT,SATURDAY NIGHT.

WATCH OUT FOR THAT ONE.

( laughter )

HERE ARE SOME OF THE CITIESALREADY DESTROYED

BY THE NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST.

STARTINGWITH THE NATIONAL LEAGUE:

PIRATES HAD A CLOSE ONEOVER THE PADRES

TILL NUCLEAR WINTERSTOPPED PLAY IN THE FOURTH.

40% DESTRUCTION IN THAT CITY.

IN THE AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON:22% DESTROYED.

THIS JUST IN: TORONTO, ONTARIO:100% DESTROYED.

THAT'LL MAKE THE ORIOLES HAPPY.

THAT'LL MOVE THEM UPA NOTCH IN THE STANDINGS.

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