Norm Macdonald & Dan Rosen

  • Season 1, Ep 0113
  • 02/24/1992

I HAVE A NOSTRIL HAIR.

SO WHAT?

AFTER 40,YOU DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

IT'S A NICE SET.

I DIDN'T BUILD ITBUT IT'S FA...

THIS REMINDED ME OF LAST NIGHT.

IT REMINDED ME OF...YOU KNOW, THE OLYMPICS NOW.

THE NEW...THE FORMER SOVIET UNION LOGO.

I JUST...

WHEN THAT FLAG CAME DOWN,I WENT...

THERE WAS SOUPY SALES MAKING...WITH A HIBACHI.

THEN THERE WAS...

I DON'T KNOW WHATIT'S EVEN CALLED NOW.

I MEAN, REALLY, I'M NOT AN IDIOT

BUT WHATEVER IT'S CALLED NOW...

IF IT'S CALLED "HELLO LAND"OR "'HI, I'M AL' LAND"

BUT THE SONGWHEN THE FLAG CAME DOWN

AND THEY PLAYEDTHE LAUREL AND HARDY...

DID YOU SEE IT?

( sings Laurel and Hardy theme )

IT WAS EMBARRASSING.

AND I FELT FOR THEIR ATHLETES,BUT I UNDER...

IT'S LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

I UNDERSTAND.

I WAS BROUGHT UP WITH IT.

I GO ON THE ROAD.

WHEN I DO CONCERTS,I BRING A PORTABLE WAILING WALL.

EVERY HOTEL, I CAN GO,"OH, I DON'T FEEL WELL.

I DON'T THINKI'M GOING TO DO GOOD TONIGHT."

( laughter )

WHEN I WAS, LIKE,IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL...

PEOPLE USED TO SAY,"WHERE WERE YOU..."

SAD, BUT "WHERE WERE YOUWHEN J.F.K. GOT ASSASSINATED?"

MY FAMILY: "WHERE WERE YOUWHEN HELLO, LARRY GOT CANCELED?"

( laughter )

BUT THEY WERE CRAZY.

I SAY THAT AFFECTIONATELY,MOM, IF YOU'RE WATCHING.

OUR FAMILY'S THEME WAS,"STARVE A FEELING, FEED A COLD"

WHICH GOT ME TO WHEREI'M AT RIGHT NOW.

BUT SO, WITH MY BACKGROUND,IT'S NO SHOCK THAT TO THIS DAY

I STILL ONLY FANTASIZEABOUT MASTURBATION

WHICH IS SORT OF SAD.

COME ON, MY GRANDPARENTSHAD A SATELLITE DISH.

IT WAS THE FIRST ONE,LIKE IN 1961.

IT WAS A JEWISH ONE.

IT PICKED UP PROBLEMSFROM OTHER FAMILIES.

YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

( laughter )

A BIG GAY PARADE GOING ONWHEN I WAS THERE

AND I'D NEVER BEENTO ONE OF THEM

AND I LIKE A PARADE, YOU KNOW?

I ALWAYS LIKE A PARADE.

SO, UH... I GO THERE

AND IT TURNS OUTIT'S JUST A BUNCH OF GAY GUYS.

( laughter )

THAT'S A HELLOF A PARADE THERE, HUH?

IMAGINE THAT ON THE TV?

YOU GOT WILLARD SCOTTAND FAITH DANIELS:

"HERE'S THE BIG PARADE!TIME FOR THE BIG PARADE.

"OH, IT'S A BUNCH OF GAY GUYS.

"WELL, LOOK AT THAT.

AND THERE ARE SOME MOREGAY GUYS BEHIND THEM..."

( laughter )

"AND, UH...THERE'S SOME MORE GAY GUYS.

WELL, HELL OF A PARADETHIS TURNED OUT TO BE."

BRING YOUR KID.

YOU GOT HIM ON YOUR SHOULDER.

"A BIG PARADE HERE, BILLY.

"HERE IT IS HERE.

OH, IT'S A BUNCH OF GAY GUYS."

( laughter )

"WELL, BILLY, HELL OF A PARADETHIS TURNED OUT TO BE."

( sighs )

A LOT OF GAYS ARE COMING OUTOF THE CLOSET.

IT'S THE BIG THING TO DO.

DICK SARGENT CAME OUT.

YOU KNOW THAT GUY?

DARRIN FROM BEWITCHED.

JEEZ, I HOPEIT DOESN'T HURT HIS CAREER.

THAT'D BE A HELL OF A THING.

( laughter )

THAT'D BE A BAD THING.

I WISH GAY GUYS WOULDCOME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

YOU'D KNOW WHO'S GAY.

WHO THE HELL CARES?

WHAT I DON'T LIKEIS WHEN NOBODY KNOWS.

PEOPLE ALWAYS SUSPECTING YOUOF BEING GAY.

YOU KNOW, YOUR BUDDIESWILL BE BEHIND YOUR BACK--

"GEE, I HAVEN'T SEEN FREDWITH A WOMAN FOR A FEW DAYS."

"YEAH, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT

HE ASKED METO GO SWIMMING WITH HIM."

"OH! FRED'S GAY!"

( laughter )

"COME ON,LET'S GO TELL EVERYBODY.

FRED'S GAY, FRED'S GAY."

"HELLO, FRED'S GAY.

"I KNOW I DON'T KNOW YOU.

"I PLUCKED YOUR NAME AT RANDOMFROM THE PHONE BOOK

BUT, UH...TURNS OUT FRED'S GAY."

( laughter )

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

ACTUALLY,I WAS READING THIS BOOK.

THEY SAID

THAT EVERY GUY QUESTIONSHIS SEXUALITY--

WONDERS IF MAYBETHEY'RE A BIT GAY THEMSELVES.

YOU EVER HAVEA MOMENT LIKE THAT?

MAYBE YOU'LL BE WATCHINGTHE TV AND YOU GO

"JEEZ, THAT BRUCE BOXLEITNER'SA GOOD-LOOKING GUY THERE."

WAIT A MINUTE, I'M A GUY,NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT HERE.

LET ME SEE, I'M A GUY.

BRUCE BOXLEITNER'S A GUYAND I, UH...

CARRY THE THREE

AND THAT GOES OVER THERE.

( laughter )

I WAS READING YESTERDAY

THEY SAIDIF YOU'RE AFRAID OF HOMOSEXUALS

IT MEANS DEEP DOWNYOU'RE A HOMOSEXUAL YOURSELF.

YEAH.

THAT WORRIES MEBECAUSE I'M AFRAID OF DOGS.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKEDOGS AND, UH...

( laughter )

LATELY I'VE HAD A HANKERINGTO DRINK FROM THE TOILET BOWL.

THAT'S THE FUNNY PART THERE.

I...

YESTERDAY I SNIFFEDA GIRL'S BUTT ON THE STREET.

( laughter )

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

IT HAS NOTHING TO DOWITH THE JOKE

BUT I THOUGHTI'D GET IT OFF MY CHEST THERE.

I DON'T NEED THATHANGING OVER ME LIKE A SCYTHE.

I BOUGHT A DOG RECENTLY.

THEY'RE EXPENSIVE, THESE DOGS.

BOY, I'LL TELL YOU.

GO TO THIS DOG STOREAND THE SALESMAN THERE--

A TYPICAL SALESMAN--

TRIES TO SELL ME THE MOSTEXPENSIVE DOG IN THE STORE--

YOU KNOW, BIG $600 DOG.

BIG, GIANT...IT WAS A PIT BULL DOG.

YOU EVER SEEN THEM?

$600, AND I WAS LOOKING TO PAY

MAYBE, YOU KNOW,A BUCK OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

( laughter )

TWO BUCKS.

THAT WAS MY CEILING.

SO HE SAYS, "WHY DON'T YOUBUY THIS PIT BULL?

THIS WILL PROTECTYOUR VALUABLES."

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHINGVERY VALUABLE, YOU KNOW.

I BUY THE PIT BULL

THAT WOULD BETHE MOST VALUABLE THING I OWN.

I'D HAVE TO BUY SOMETHINGTO PROTECT IT THEN.

YOU KNOW, IT'D BE...

BE OUT SHOPPING FOR WOLVERINESTHE NEXT DAY THERE SOMEWHERE.

YOU KNOW?

"SHOW ME SOMETHINGIN A TIMBER WOLF, MY GOOD MAN."

I'D BE SAYING.

SOME GOOD MAN.

OH, THAT'S A HELL OF A DOGTO GET, THOUGH, THEM PIT BULLS.

THEY KILL YOU.

RIP YOUR THROAT OUT.

I WANT A DOG TO DO THINGSLIKE FETCH MY SLIPPERS.

THAT'S WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT A DOG.

A PIT BILL WON'T DO IT.

I SAY, "HEY, PIT BULL,FETCH MY SLIPPERS."

A PIT BULL WILL GO

"I COULD KILL YOU,BUDDY, WHAT THE HELL.

"I FETCH PEOPLE,THAT'S ALL I FETCH.

"I COULD FETCH YOU A GUY.

THAT'S THE BESTI COULD DO FOR YOU."

( laughter )

"MAYBE HE'LL BE WEARINGSOME SLIPPERS.

"I COULD FETCH YOU A GUY

"AROUND BEDTIME.

I COULD POP OFFSOME GUY THERE AND..."

YOU GO, "ALL RIGHT, THEN,NINE AND A HALF.

AWAY YOU GO THERE."

THE DOBERMAN DOG.

AND THEY'D KILL YOU, TOO.

THEY'D RIP YOUR THROAT OUT.

THEY'RE NOT FASTLIKE A PIT BULL.

A DOBERMAN ALWAYS WOULDGIVE YOU A LITTLE HEAD START.

( laughter )

THEY SEE YOU ON THE STREET

AND THEY GO,"THAT YOUR HOUSE OVER THERE?

GO AHEAD, GO ON OVER THERE."

THEN THEY'D LOOKAT THEIR TIMEPIECES.

THEN THEY'D RIPYOUR THROAT OUT.

IT'D BE PRETTY, THOUGH.

SOAR THROUGH THE AIRAND RIP YOUR THROAT OUT.

YOU DON'T SEEDOBERMANS AROUND ANYMORE.

THEY'RE LIKE THE FORGOTTEN DOG.

NOW IT'S ALL PIT BULL!

PIT BULL!

THEY GOT ALL THE DOMESTICSECURITY WORK AND EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW,THE DOBERMAN CAN'T GET A JOB.

ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU SEE THEMON A PARK BENCH WITH A FRISBEE.

"I USED TO BE SOMEBODY!

I'M A DOBERMAN!"

( laughter )

SO I DIDN'T GET A KILLER DOG.

I ALWAYS BUY A DOG, YOU KNOW...

WHEN I'M BUYING MY DOGI ALWAYS THINK TO MYSELF

"HEY, IF HE WERE TO GO BERSERK,WOULD I BE ABLE TO TAKE HIM?"

YOU OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO BEAT UPYOUR DOG, YOU KNOW.

I GOT A NICE WIENER DOG--ONE OF THEM WIENER DOGS?

( laughter )

A WIENER DOG CAN'T RIP OUTYOUR THROAT OR ANYTHING.

UNLESS YOU'RE LYING DOWN,YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

( laughter )

I'D BE LYING DOWN SLEEPINGLATE AT NIGHT

AND THE WIENER DOGWOULD SNEAK UP

STARTS NIBBLINGAT YOUR THROAT THERE.

MAYBE BY DAYBREAK,HE'S GOT AHOLD OF A VEIN.

YOU WAKE UP, "OH! GET AWAYFROM ME, YOU WIENER DOG!

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINKYOU ARE-- A PIT BULL?

YOU'RE A WIENER DOG,THAT'S ALL YOU'LL EVER BE."

( laughter )

GIVE YOU A HICKEY

THAT'S THE WORST YOU GETOUT OF A WIENER DOG.

DID YOU EVER BUYYOUR DOG A GIFT?

THAT'S ALWAYS A WEIRD THING.

I GOT MINE RUBBER BONESAND HE GOES, "OH, GREAT, A BONE!

"OH, YEAH, IT'S NOT A BONE,A MILLION LAUGHS, PAL.

"THAT'S...

KIND OF A GAG ITEMYOU GOT ME THERE, YOU BASTARD."

MY GRANDMOTHER GOT MY DOGA SWEATER--

KNITTED HIM A SWEATER.

THERE'S A USELESS PRESENTFOR A DOG, HUH?

WHAT HAPPENSIF THE DOG GETS LOST

AND HE'S WEARING A SWEATER?

HOW LONG IS HE GOING TO SURVIVEIN THE ALLEYWAYS

WITH THAT ON HIS BACK?

THEM'S MEAN STREETS IF YOU'REA WIENER DOG IN A CARDIGAN.

YOU DON'T LAST TOO LONG.

THEY'D KILL YOU.