Extended - Thursday, September 29, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 09/29/2016

Ken Jeong, Suzy Nakamura and Dave Foley list computer viruses linked to celebrity searches, make up #BreakfastCelebs and pander to vapers in this uncensored, extended episode.

There is a list going around

Twitter today of the top ten

most dangerous celebrities.

I wonder who could be at number

seven.

Probably Suge Knight, or Suge

Knight, or Suge.

Let's see who it is.

What?! It's Chris Hardwick?

I don't...

How am I... dangerous?

(applause and cheering)

No, no, no, no.

Has nothing to do with me,

although I'm very honored.

I never get put on lists like

this.

I really feel like I've made it.

I don't know if I should be

upset that they called me

dangerous, or considered me less

dangerous than Carson Daly,

who's a very nice guy.

He's a very nice guy.

But this alarming graphic is

actually McAfee's list of the

top ten most dangerous

celebrities to search for

online, meaning that cyber

criminals use our names to

expose you to malware.

Ironically, John McAfee is not

anywhere on this list...

(laughter)

...who is the most dangerous

person in the world.

So don't click on anything that

sounds too fake, like "Chris

Hardwick nip slip." Um...

(laughter)

It's a trap.

I don't have nipples. Uh...

(laughter)

Well, I do have nipples, but you

don't want to...

All right, fine, fine, fine,

fine.

(applause and cheering)

Oops. Oops.

How did that get out?

Oops.

I like that it's a slip.

Oh.

Oh, no!

I've slipped... and then...

(applause and cheering)

>> Oh, my.

>> HARDWICK: ...that

accidentally... flew out.

>> Oh, my goodness.

Whew!

>> HARDWICK: Oh, you want

some... some of that?

>> Oh.

>> Oh.

>> What's wrong? Whoa.

>> HARDWICK: You want some of

that little sand dollar action

for you?

(laughter)

Now I can't button my shirt

because wardrobe does everything

for me now.

(whining): I just can't...

Does this go in here?

>> Oh, no! Oh, no.

>> HARDWICK: I don't know...

(Hardwick speaks gibberish)

I don't know.

I just need some...

>> Sand dollar area.

>> Oh, it's fine.

It matches. It matches.

>> HARDWICK: Stop it!

>> It's great. No, it's great.

Ah, it's fine.

>> HARDWICK: I need to prevent

another nip slip.

(laughter)

Comedians, what's a computer

virus you'd get from Googling

one of these celebrities?

Dave Foley.

>> Uh, if you Google Daniel

Tosh, your computer kicks you in

the balls and thinks it's the

funniest thing that ever

happened.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Points.

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

Suzy Nakamura.

>> Um, if you Google Selena

Gomez, your computer gets

whatever virus Justin Bieber

has.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

(laughter and groaning)

(applause and cheering)

Ken.

>> Well, he's not on the list,

but if you Google Joel McHale,

your computer gets so smug and

snarky, but is just so fuckable!

>> HARDWICK: And now, guys,

let's get together and do a

#HashtagWars.

There they are.

(cheering, applause)

As everyone in America knows,

September is Better Breakfast

Month.

Unfortunately, much of our

audience sleeps through that

part of the day because GameStop

opens whenever GameStop fuckin'

feels like opening, man.

So to raise awareness for the

most important meal of the day,

we're pairing it with the other

thing people have arbitrarily

deemed important: celebrities!

Which is why tonight's hashtag

is #BreakfastCelebs.

Examples might be Eggs Benedict

Cumberbatch and Frosted

Drakes.

I'm gonna put...

They're great!

(laughter, whooping, applause)

Let's put 60 seconds on the

clock, and begin this contest.

Suzy Nakamura.

>> Russell Crowe-sant.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

(cheering, applause)

Dr. Ken.

>> Juice Willis.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

David Foley.

>> Tina Par-Fey.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Ken.

>> Toasty Danza.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

(laughter)

Suzy.

>> Lat-taye Diggs.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Very good!

Dave Foley.

>> Uh, Darryl Ham-and...

Ham-and-eggs.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Yes, points. Very good.

Ken.

>> Bobby Hash-brown.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

(cheering, applause)

Suzy.

>> Grano-lupita Nyong'o.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points!

Very good. Dave Foley.

>> Bloody Mary Tyler Moore.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

(laughter, whistling, whooping)

Very good.

Dr. Ken.

>> Sugar Frosted Minnie Drivers.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Suzy.

>> Eggs Begley Jr.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, very good.

Points!

Dr. Ken.

>> Flapjack Black.

So, of all the hot takes on

Twitter following Monday night's

debate, none was smokier than

that of conservative walrus

Grover Norquist.

(reading)

Agree or disagree, the tax

Muppet does bring attention to

an oft-neglected and

oft-subpoenaed segment of the

electorate.

With more than nine million

active inhalers nationwide, the

vaping community could really

sway the election if their moms

will let them borrow the car

that night.

So, in this first installment of

our new Voter Voices segment

that we're launching way too

late in the election to make any

kind of difference, here now, to

represent all vapers, is Brody.

(cheering, applause)

Hey, Brody.

Just, uh...

puffing on that thing, nonstop.

>> By the way, Chris, we prefer

to be called, uh, Vabraham

Lincoln, aka Vape Ape, uh, aka

Great Muppet Vaper.

You know what I'm saying?

>> All right, great.

All right, stop...

Why... why are...

What are you doing?

>> ♪ Bop-bop-bop, bop-bop-bop.

Look, this election is

important-- it's the most

important in vape history,

mostly because vape history

started in 2013.

Now, I didn't watch the debate

Monday because I was busy

practicing MMA moves on... the

person that my girlfriend claims

is my son.

I mean...

Mentor, not a father.

Mentor, not a father, you know

what I'm saying?

Mentor, not a father.

But I am glad that Norbert

Slugworth guy tweeted about us,

because we're sick and tired of

being, you know, stereotypated.

So, we're not dirtbags, okay?

We're also, some of us, weirdos,

skeezoids, former members of

Limp Bizkit, what?

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

>> That dance...

>> Listen up: we don't just care

about vaping.

We also are passionate about a

range of issues, from backwards

baseball hats to snake tattoos

to real snakes to forward

baseball hats-- all the

spectrum.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

>> Look at the dance.

>> But, cloudy Americans, look,

we're undecided in this

election, because we're not that

good at making decisions.

That's what... Yeah, what's up?

(cheering and applause)

Undecided, undecided.

Look, Chris, alls I want to say

is we're undecided voters, and

what we want is just some helps

because we can't make these

decisions, you know what I'm

sayin'?

That's why you always see us

wearing flip-flops at 7-Eleven,

2:30 in the morning, holding up

the line, while we agonize over

which flavor of beef jerky to

spend our last $4.79 on.

We can't decide!

We can't decide.

We can't decide.

'Cause we're undecided.

So, comedians, I want you to,

you know, just give the vapers

as many reasons as you can to

just vote for either candidate

in this historic vape-off.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

Um... thank you.

(cheering and applause)

You have 60 seconds to follow

any of that.

60 seconds. And begin.

Suzy.

>> Vote Trump because his skin

reminds you of Doritos.

>> HARDWICK: Ah. Points.

Dave Foley.

>> Uh, vote Clinton 'cause

you'll need health care when you

realize that your blood's

spewing dupe of the tobacco

industry.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Ken.

>> Vote for Trump.

No laws, bro!

>> HARDWICK: Points. Dave Foley.

>> Uh, vote Trump because, in a

post-apocalyptic hellscape, no

one will have time to call you

an asshole.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

Very good.

Thanks for that. Suzy.

>> Vote Trump because he's most

likely to have an all Juggalo

cabinet.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Ken.

>> Vote Trump. He also spends

most of his time blowing smoke

and complaining about women.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Suzy Nakamura.

>> You should vote third party.

And by third party, I mean third

par-tay!

>> HARDWICK: Yeah. Points.

Very good.

David Foley.

>> Vote Clinton because...

Seriously, no jokes-- just vote

Clinton.

>> HARDWICK: All right, all

right.