The One with More Dicks

  • Season 3, Ep 3
  • 10/11/2016

After Kumail gives Jonah some acting tips, they introduce performances from Martha Kelly, Maria Bamford, the Lucas Brothers and supergroup the Five Footprints.

- The odds of falling in love

with the perfect personat the perfect time

are about the oddsof, I don't know,

being discovered in Hollywood.

Wait a minute.

I asked a similarly desperatequestion for many years,

which was, "How do youmake it in show business?

Do you move to San Diego anddisguise yourself as a bush?"

And what do famous peoplealways say?

They always say, "Well, do you--Do you enjoy doing it?

"Great, great.

"Just keep doing itand pretty soon you think,

"'Wow, this is what I do.' of luck."

Which turns outis profoundly true.

Is that what a relationship is?

Is it just showing up?I can do that.

I didn't realizethat there'd be ambiguity,

doubt or confusion,

or at least the amountthat there is in a job.

'Cause people always say

once you've been doingsomething a long time,

"Oh, but you always wanted tobe, you know, a comedian."

I did not want to dothis show tonight.


I don't like to get political,

but I feel like both sidesof the spectrum right now,

it's really popular to say

that America'sgoing down the toilet,

and I feel like we still havea lot of reasons to be proud.

We still have freedomof the press,

and, like, every week,journalists stick their neck out

to bring us picturesof celebrities

without their makeup on,

and that's just one for youto catch your breath.


Last summer they came outwith a movie

about those guys that weretrapped in a mine in Chile

for 2 1/2 months.

And when theyfinally rescued them,

they all at firsttold reporters

that they had swearedto never talk about

what had happened down there,

and the reason they did thatis 'cause they were poor,

and they thought thatif they banded together,

they could forcethe networks to pay them

to tell their story, andthey really needed the money,

especially 'causethey had just taken

2 1/2 months off from work,

and so--

But that's the reason that--

that's why they said that,

but some journalistsspeculated that the secrecy

was because they had had sexwith each other down there.

And I thought that wasreally crazy.

But then I thought about itfor a while and I was like,

you know what,we could all picture ourselves

going up to one of our coworkersand being like,

"Hey, Carlos, I knowthat it's been over a month

"since any of ushave seen a shower or a toilet,

"and we're probablynot gonna get out of here alive,

but I was just wonderingare you horny at all?"

- Yeah, we used to watcha lot of NBA,

but we stopped becauseof the advanced stats.

- Oh, yeah, advanced statsruining the game.

I think it's justtoo convoluted, man.

I miss the old days when youdidn't have to worry about math.

- That's right, yeah.- You know?

- I'm tired now.The stats are too scary.

- That's right.- They're terrifying.

- Like, we saw this one stat.Y'all probably saw it, too.

They saidevery time Steph Curry

shoots 40% fromthe three-point line,

a black man gets shotin the hood.

- That's right.

It blew our minds, man.- Oh, it was terrifying.

It was horrifying.- Terrifying, man.

We did some more research.

We read in "The Atlantic"that one out of three

Africa-American dudes getarrested before they turn 31.

- That's true.- Yeah, that's true.

- We just turned 30.- That's right.

It's getting close, man.- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.Fortunately enough,

we got a younger brotherthat's 18.

- That's right.

So for the last year,

we've been trying to getthat dude arrested.

- Oh, yeah.

- Right?

- I mean,it's either him or us.

- That's right, man.