Comedy Central Presents
Season 2

CC Presents: Dave Attell

  • Season 2, Ep 8
  • 07/09/1999

Dave Attell enlightens viewers on the finer aspects of drinking, brawling and blacking out.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ALL RIGHT,BACK AT YOU.

YEAH, MM-HMM.

YEAH, UH-HUH,WHY NOT ?

HOW'S IT GOING ?

YOU GUYS ARE INTO IT,I LIKE IT.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'TKNOW ME, GET A LOOK AT IT.

YOU SEE IT ?

I HAVE KIND OFA WEIRD LOOK.

I HAVE KIND OF A, UH...

ANDRE-AGASSI-WITH-A-DRINKING-PROBLEMKIND OF LOOK.

NOT MANY LADIESGO FOR IT.

IT'S THEIR LOSS.

THAT'S THE WAY I SEE IT.

WE'RE HERE FOR FUN AND THISIS WHEN FUN HAPPENS-- LATE.

HANGING OUT WITHYOUR FRIENDS-- LATE.

LISTEN TO THAT,MOTHER OF TWO.

THAT'S WHEN ALLTHE FUN HAPPENS-- LATE,

HANGING OUTALL NIGHT.

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS-- FUN.

GO HOMEA LITTLE EARLY, RIGHT ?

MISTAKE.

YOU GET THAT CALLTHE NEXT DAY.

YOU KNOW THAT CALL.

"YOU SHOULDAHUNG OUT, MAN."

"YOU SHOULDA HUNG OUT, MAN."

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED ?

( deep sigh )"OH..."

THAT'S WHAT A LIESOUNDS LIKE.

( deep sigh )"OH...

TEN MINUTESAFTER YOU LEFT..."

IT'S ALWAYS TEN MINUTESAFTER YOU LEAVE.

THAT'S WHENALL THE FUN SHOWS UP,

LIKE THE FUN MOBILE'STEN BLOCKS BEHIND YOU

JUST WAITING, WATCHING.

"TEN MINUTES AFTER YOU LEFT,THE SPICE GIR BROKE IN

"AND HAD SEXWITH EVERYBODY, YEAH !

"EVEN THE FAT KID WEARINGTHE BABYLON 5 T-SHIRT,

"HE GOT A LITTLE.

AND IT'S NEVER GONNAHAPPEN AGAIN !"

I MAKE MY OWN FUN.

LIKE TODAY, I'M SITTINGON THE COUCH, RIGHT ?

MY DOG'S LICKINGHIMSELF, RIGHT ?

I'M TOUCHING MYSELF, RIGHT ?

WE CATCH EACH OTHER'S EYES,WE BOTH START LAUGHING.

NOW, UH...

HE WENT FROM PET TO FRIENDREALLY QUICK,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

THAT'S THE WAY I SEE IT.

GO OUT, HAVEA COUPLE OF DRINKS.

WHY NOT ?

YOU KNOW WHAT MY DRINK IS--"JACK DANIELS".

YES, THAT ISA WILD-MAN DRINK.

THAT SHOULD COMEWITH BAIL MONEY,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

'CAUSE ON JACK, YOU DON'T KNOWWHERE YOU'RE GOING TO END UP,

BUT YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GET THERE,YOU WON'T BE WEARING ANY PANTS.

THAT'S THE WAY IT WORKS.

I'M DRINKING JACKAND I STARTED BLACKING OUT.

YOU EVER BLACK OUT ?

OR AS I CALL IT,"TIME TRAVEL".

YOU EVER DO THAT ?

OH, YEAH,YOU KNOW HOW IT IS--

YOU'RE DRINKING, YOU BLACK OUT,YOU WAKE UP,

YOU'RE AT ANOTHER BAR,YOU'RE DRINKING,

YOU BLACK OUT,YOU WAKE UP,

YOU'RE PLAYING THAT KNIFE GAMEWITH A HALF-INDIAN

SOMEWHERE IN NORTH DAKOTA.

YEAH... YEAH...

WINNER FIXESTHE TRANNIE, YEAH !

YOU'RE DRINKING,YOU BLACK OUT,

YOU WAKE UP,YOU'RE IN WHITE CASTLE...

WORKING THERE THREE YEARS,

STILL NOTASSISTANT MANAGER.

YOUR BUDDIES TELL YOU TO QUIT,BUT YOU CAN'T

'CAUSE YOUR BANGING THESLOW GIRL ON THE "FRY-O-LATER".

THEY SAY SHE'S A LITTLE DIM,BUT THOSE TITTIES AIN'T DIM !

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLECOUNTRY WESTERN TUNE.

( humming country western song )

THIS IS LIKETHE HOUSE-MUSIC CAPITAL.

♪ YOU GOT TO WORK IT

♪ YOU GOT TO PUSH IT

I DON'T GOTTADO ANYTHING !

I DON'T LIKE BEING ORDEREDAROUND BY MY MUSIC, ALL RIGHT ?

TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH...JUST A LITTLE BIT.

THERE'S ONE GUY--THE WORST GUY IN THE MUSIC--

THE YANNI MAN.

YOU KNOW YANNI, RIGHT ?

FIRST OF ALL

ANYONE WHO LOOKS LIKE A MAGICIANAND DOESN'T DO MAGIC

I DON'T LIKE.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE MAGIC.

I HATE IT, BUTI LOVE THE WORD "TA-DA".

I LOVE THAT WORD.

I DON'T GETTO SAY IT, RIGHT ?

I NEVER DO ANY MAGIC.

YOU CAN'T JUSTWALK AROUND GOING

"TA-DA, TA-DA, TA-DA."

THE ONLY TIMEI CAN SAY IT

IS WHEN I DO SOMETHINGREALLY STUPID OR SURPRISING,

LIKE IF I GO OUTDRINKING ALL NIGHT,

HITTING STRIP CLUBS,

AND I COME HOMEAND I STILL GOT SOME MONEY.

"TA-DA," I THOUGHTI WAS BROKE.

WHY DOES MY JAW HURT ?

NOW, I FEEL LIKEA CIGARETTE.

YOU CAN'T SMOKE ANYMORE.

IT'S SAD, RIGHT ?

I LIKE SMOKING,'CAUSE WHEN YOU SMOKE

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WON'TBE DOING TOMORROW,

LIKE KAYAKINGAND BUNGEE-JUMPING

AND BIKE RIDINGAND MOUNTAIN CLIMBING.

I HAD A HAT BLOW OFFIN A STRONG WIND,

I'M LIKE, "I'LL GET ANOTHER ONE,I AIN'T MOVING FOR NOTHING."

SOMETIMES YOU NEEDA CIGARETTE THOUGH, RIGHT ?

LIKE AFTER SEX,YOU WANT A CIGARETTE.

AFTER YOU HAVE SEX WITHA BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,

OR A CONFUSEDYOUNG MAN...

YOU NEED A CIGARETTE.

YOU DON'T ROLL OFF SOMEONEAND GO, "OOH, THAT WAS AMAZING.

SKITTLES, WOULD YOU LIKEA SKITTLE ?"

"HOW ABOUT A JOLLY RANCHER,BABY ?

YOU WANTA JOLLY RANCHER ?"

AND AFTER BAD THINGS HAPPEN,YOU NEED A CIGARETTE, RIGHT ?

LIKE, LET'S SAY,I DON'T KNOW...

YOU KILL A GUY WITH A HAMMER,YOU NEED A CIGARETTE,

'CAUSE SEX AND MURDERARE THE SAME.

WELL, YOU SAY THE SAMEAFTER BOTH, DON'T YA ?

"DAMN, I GOT TO GETTHE HELL OUT OF HERE.

WHAT WAS I THINKING ?"

I KNOW WHATWOMEN LIKE.

I KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT METHINKING, "HOW DOES HE KNOW ?"

I KNOW, I KNOW WHAT THEY LIKE--LOTS AND LOTS OF ATTENTION.

YOU MIGHT CALL IT STALKING,BUT THEY LOVE IT.

OH, YEAH,OH, YEAH, COME ON.

THEY'LL TRY AND FOOL YOUWITH A RESTRAINING ORDER

"WHOO-- OH, YOU GOT ME."

I'M HANGING OUTIN A BUS STATION,

GUY COMES UP TO ME, HE'S JUSTGOT ONE TOOTH, JUST ONE,

AND HE'S NOT EVEN TAKINGGOOD CARE OF IT, NEITHER.

YOU THINK WHEN YOUONLY GOT ONE TOOTH,

YOU SHOULD TAKE REALLYGOOD CARE OF IT.

NOT THIS GUY,HE HAD HIS OWN AGENDA.

HE COMES UP TO ME, RIGHT ?

HE'S LIKE,"CAN I HELP YA ?"

HELP ME DO WHAT,REMEMBER TO BRUSH AND FLOSS ?

WHAT CAN YOU HELP ME DO ?

HE'S LIKE, "OH, NO, I THOUGHTYOU NEEDED SOME DIRECTIONS."

IF I NEED DIRECTIONS I'M NOTASKING A MAN WITH ONE TOOTH.

I'M ASKING A MANWITH ONE LEG

'CAUSE HE DEFINITELY KNOWSTHE EASIEST WAY TO GET THERE.

AM I RIGHT--OH, YEAH.

WHY NOT,WHY NOT ?

IF THERE'S A SHORTCUT,

THAT ONE-LEGGED GUYKNOWS WHERE IT IS.

YOU WON'T BE HOPPING FENCESOR CLIMBING LADDERS.

HE'LL GET YOU RIGHT THERE.

I LIKE A MANWITH ONE LEG.

I LIKE THAT LOOK--YOU LIKE THAT LOOK ?

I LIKE IT, THE WAYTHEY COME UP TO YOU.

( groans )

THEY ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THEY'REGOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING

REALLY IMPORTANT,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

"IT'S VERY SLIPPERYOUT TODAY."

"THE ELEVATOR'S BROKEN."

THAT GUY'SGOT INFORMATION.

HE'S HELPING EVERYONE.

THANK YOU, ONE-LEGGED MAN,THANK YOU.

"IT'S ALL RIGHT."

WHEN YOU GOT ONE LEG,YOU GOT A GOOD STORY, RIGHT ?

WHEN THINGS ARE BORING,YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL

THAT ONE-LEGGED STORY.

HOW'D YOU LOSETHAT LEG ?

IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHINGREALLY MANLY, RIGHT ?

"LAND MINE, '69."

SEE A GUY WITH ONE ARM,HE'S GOT A STORY, TOO.

"SNOWBLOWER,BOTTLE OF WHISKEY."

YOU SEE A GUY WITH ONE TOOTH,WHERE IS THE STORY THERE ?

WHAT COULDTHE STORY BE ?

WELL, HOW DID IT HAPPEN ?

"WELL, I LIKEA LOT OF TAFFY."

( laughter & applause )

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHENYOU GET IN A FIGHT SOMETIMES ?

YOU WET YOUR PANTS.

IT'S NOT 'CAUSEYOU'RE SCARED.

THAT'S JUST YOUR BALLS TELLINGYOUR LEGS IT'S TIME TO MOVE OUT.

I'M GETTING INTOA FIGHT WITH A GUY--

A CRAZY MAN.

AFTER A SHOW, IT TURNS OUTHE'S AN EX-NAVY SEAL.

THESE GUYS KNOW HOW TO FIGHTON THE LAND, SEA AND IN THE AIR.

THERE'S NO ESCAPIN' HIM.

AND I'M DOING ALL RIGHT UNTILHE STARTS FIGHTING.

NOW IT'S REALLY A BRAWL,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

ANYHOW, I WAKE UP,I'M AT HOME,

I'M SITTINGON THE TOILET, CRYING.

NOT THAT KIND OF BIG GIRL,WE-RAN-OUT-OF-ICE-CREAM CRYING.

I'M REALLY CRYING.

THINKING, "IT'S OVER,THANK GOD I'M ALIVE.

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY."

WHO COMES SWIMMING UPTHE TOILET ?

THE NAVY SEAL MAN, RIGHT INTOMY BUTT, MAKING ME DO THINGS !

I LIKE THAT STORY 'CAUSEIT STARTS REALLY MANLY

AND ENDS KIND OF QUEER.

THAT'S THE WAYI LIKE IT.

YOU'RE THINKINGI'M HOMOPHOBIC.

I HEAR IT ALL THE TIME.

"DAVE, YOU'REPROBABLY GAY."

WHAT ?!

"WELL, YOU TALK ABOUT BEING GAY,SO YOU PROBABLY ARE GAY.

YOU PROBABLY SECRETLY WANTTO HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN."

AND I SAY, "LISTEN,VOICE IN MY HEAD...

I DO NOT."

"HOW DO YOU KNOWYOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT ?

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'TLOVE IT ?"

I KNOW I WOULDN'T LIKE ITOR LOVE IT, 'CAUSE ONE TIME

DURING A TERRIBLEGARDENING ACCIDENT...

I SAT ON A CUCUMBER,ALL RIGHT ?

IT HAPPENS... YEAH.

YOU NEVER SEE IT ON "E.R.",BUT IT'S HAPPENING !

EVERY EIGHT MINUTES OUT THERE,SOMEONE'S SITTING ON A CUCUMBER

OR A PAPAYA,IF YOU LIVE IN HAWAII.

WE NEED PROGRAMS.

IF THAT EVER HAPPENS, YOU NEEDTWO THINGS AND TWO THINGS QUICK:

A PAIR OF ICE TONGS ANDA FRIEND WHO CAN KEEP A SECRET.

SIT IN MY APARTMENT PLAYINGMY FAVORITE APARTMENT GAME--

"FIND THE SMELL".

HAVE YOU EVER PLAYEDTHAT GAME ?

I WAS PLAYING...LUCKILY, IT WAS ME,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

IT WAS THAT KINDOF SCARY SMELL.

I HATE WHEN I GO OVERTO SOMEONE'S HOUSE

AND THEY GOT THATAIR-FRESHENER SMELL.

WHO ARE YOU FOOLING ?

I KNOW YOU DIDSOMETHING SMELLY

AND NOW YOU DON'T WANT METO SMELL-Y IT, RIGHT ?

IT'S SOME KIND OFILLEGAL ODOR OUT THERE,

AND I'M GONNA GET TOTHE BOTTOM OF IT.

RIGHT ?

IT'S ALWAYS SOMELEMON-SCENTED THING, RIGHT ?

LEMONS-- I'M INTHE BATHROOM-- LEMONS.

WHAT, IS THERE A LEMONADE STANDIN HERE SOMEWHERE ?

I'D LIKEA GLASS OF LEMONADE.

AND IT NEVER JUST SMELLSLIKE LEMONS.

IT ALWAYS SMELLSLIKE LEMONS AND ASS,

YOU KNOWWHAT I'M SAYING ?

LIKE A LEMON ASS.

AND NOTHINGBEATS ASS.

LEMON'S JUST TRYINGTO CATCH UP.

ASS IS LAUGHING-- HAH !

IF YOU DRINK ENOUGH, YOU WILLNEVER BE ALONE, ALL RIGHT ?

PEOPLE WILL FIND YOU

AND THAT'S WHEN ALLTHE BAD STUFF HAPPENS, RIGHT ?

JUST SITTING AROUND,DOING NOTHING.

RIGHT ?

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENEDONE TIME ?

DRUNK, NOTHING TO DO.

I END UP DOING WHAT ?

MY PENIS IN MY FISH TANK,ALL RIGHT ?

NO, I DID IT JUST TO SHOW THEMWHO'S BOSS, ALL RIGHT ?

THEY WERE GETTINGA LITTLE UPPITY.

EVEN THE DIVER GUYSTOPPED BUBBLING.

HE'S LIKE, "BLA-- ?"

THEN THEY HIDIN THE CASTLE.

AND LIKE ALL GOOD TIMES,IT ALWAYS ENDS

WHEN YOUR GRANDMAWALKS IN, DOESN'T IT ?

( as old woman )"GET THAT ( bleep )OUT OF THAT FISH TANK !

TIME FOR SUPPER."

I'M IN THERE FOR THE PORNO,I LIKE A GOOD PORNO MOVIE.

I'M EVEN WATCHINGGAY PORNO NOW.

I'M RUNNING OUTOF STRAIGHT PORNO.

I JUST PRETEND

IT'S TWO STRAIGHT GUYSTHAT GOT THERE REALLY EARLY,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT,THAT IS A GREAT JOKE.

THAT ONE IS GOOD.

IF ONLYIT WAS A JOKE.

SOME PEOPLE ARE AGAINSTPORNO MOVIES, AND I SAY,

"HEY, OHIO,KENTUCKY AND IRAN..."

I SAY, "HEY."

WHATEVER A MAN AND A WOMAN

AND ANOTHER WOMANWITH A PENIS

AND MIDGET DOTO A DONKEY,

THAT'S THEIRGOSH DARN BUSINESS.

IT'S JUST MASTURBATION--WHERE'S THE HARM IN IT ?

WHERE IS THE HARM IN IT,I ASK YOU.

I MASTURBATE.

I DO IT LIKE I THINKIF I KEEP DOING IT

I'M GONNAWIN SOMETHING.

THAT'S THE WAYI DO IT.

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL.

TWO MEN ENTER,ONE MAN LEAVE.

THERE CAN BE ONLYONE HIGHLANDER.

IF YOU EVER GET CAUGHTMASTURBATING,

AND I HOPE ITDOESN'T HAPPEN TO YOU--

ALL RIGHT, NOW,LISTEN UP.

THERE'S A LOTOF YOUNG PEOPLE HERE.

LISTEN UP, THIS COULD SAVE YOUA LOT OF YEARS, ALL RIGHT ?

I'M TELLING YOU,THIS IS WHAT YOU DO--

YOU GET CAUGHTMASTURBATING, OKAY ?

YOUR FANTASY WORLD HAS COLLAPSEDON YOU, ALL RIGHT ?

NOW, IT'S JUST YOU AND SHAMEHANGING OUT TOGETHER ONCE AGAIN.

THIS IS WHAT YOU DO--FIRST, LOOK SURPRISED.

AND DON'T WORRY,YOU WILL BE SURPRISED.

"HUH, WHAT'S HAPPENING ?!

AHH, BADLOCKSMITH !"

THEN SAY THIS, OKAY,"QUICK, GET SOME HELP !

"MY HAND AND PEENIEARE FIGHTIN'.

"GET SOME HELP, A HOT TOWELAND A CHICKEN BURRITO.

THIS IS A BATTLE ROYALE."

( hummingcountry tune )

I'M BOMBING.

SO...

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED.

I WANTED BALLOONSWITH HAPPY FACES.

YEAH, MY BROTHER'S A PILOT.

I GOT ANOTHER BROTHERWHO'S A COMPUTER EXPERT

AND I'M A COMIC.

WE'RE LIKE SOME KINDOF WEIRD "A-TEAM".

I WANT TO SEETHAT MISSION.

"WE NEED YOU TO FLY INTO IRAQ,GET INTO THE COMPUTER SYSTEM,

TELL A COUPLE OFMIDGET JOKES."

YEAH, THAT'LLDISTRACT THEM.

WE LIVE IN A RACIST WORLD,I KNOW.

I WAS DOWN IN AUGUSTA, GEORGIA--EVER BEEN DOWN THERE ?

KLAN MEETING GOING ON.

WHY IS THE KLANSTILL HAVING MEETINGS ?

IS THERE ANY NEW BUSINESSWITH THE "KU KLUX KLAN" ?

"WELL, WE DO HATE...WE HATE EVERYBODY, RIGHT ?

OKAY, SEE YOU NEXT WEEK."

THE MOST RACIST PLACEI'VE EVER BEEN-- ALASKA.

UP THERE WORKINGFOR THE GOVERNMENT--

"OPERATION: BLUE BALL".

CAN'T TELL YOUANY MORE ABOUT IT.

THANK GOD I DID IT.

THEY GOT A KLAN UP THERE, TOO,AND THEY ARE BITTER.

WHY-- THERE'S ONLY ONEMINORITY GUY IN THE WHOLE STATE.

YOU GO TO A KLAN MEETING,IT'S LIKE,

"WE GOT TO GET ERIC, NOW."

MEN LIKE BREASTS, AND THAT'STHE WAY IT WORKS.

THEY LIKE BREASTS ANDTHEY LIKE LOOKIN' AT 'EM.

IT CALMS 'EMAND QUIETS 'EM.

IT'S LIKE A MACE SHOT

WITHOUT ALL THE ROLLING AROUNDAND SCREAMING.

MEN LIKE LOOKING AT BREASTS,ESPECIALLY THE CLEAVAGE.

THE CLEAVAGE...THRUSTING IT OUT AT ME,

MAKING ME DO THINGS,

MAKING ME LISTENTO YOU.

IT'S CRAZY,I CAN'T DO THAT.

I CAN'T WALK AROUND

WITH HALF A TESTICLEHANGING OUT, CAN I ?

OH, I'M SORRY,YOU CAUGHT ME.

THAT, TOO, ISA FASHION STATEMENT.

IT'S CALLED "TIME FORA NEW PAIR OF BLOOMERS".

SO, I'LL GIVE YOUA LITTLE ADVICE--

NEVER LET A WOMANPUT A CONDOM ON YOU.

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

IT'S LIKE,"OH, LOOK.

OH, LOOK,THERE'S STILL MORE ROOM."

( dry chuckle )

"WE COULD TIE IT OFF AND USE ITAGAIN AND AGAIN, IT SEEMS,

'CAUSE YOU'REKIND OF TINY, TINY."

EVERY MAN WONDERSABOUT THE SIZE--

THEIR SIZEOF THEIR MEMBER, RIGHT ?

WHETHER YOU'RE A NEW COPTO THE FORCE

OR A YOUNG MAN YAWNING.

WHAT ARE YOUYAWNING AT ?

WHAT, WERE YOU BUILDINGA TREE HOUSE ALL DAY ?

THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING THINGTHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU

SO FOCUS !

LAYING IN BED ALONE AT NIGHT,YOU START THINKING,

CRAZY THOUGHTSAT FIRST, RIGHT ?

WHAT KIND OF JOBCOULD I GET ?

WHAT WOULD BE A DREAM JOBFOR ME ?

MANAGER OF A CHOCOLATE FACTORYRUN BY BIG-BREASTED HOOKERS.

NO, I DON'T GOTTHE SCHOOLING FOR THAT.

THEN YOU SETTLE DOWNAND YOU FOCUS.

I WONDER IFI HAVE A SMALL PENIS

OR JUST GIGANTIC BALLS ?

I DON'T KNOW.

LUCKILY, THERE'S A TEST.

THE FIRST TIME YOU SHOW ITTO YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR FIANCéE

OR PRESS IT UP AGAINSTA BUS WINDOW OR SOMETHING...

IF SOMEONE LOOKS AT ITAND STARES AND GOES,

( baby talk )"OH... LOOK AT IT.

"LOOK AT HIM,LIKE A LITTLE BABY JESUS.

LOOK AT HIM."

TIME TO BUY A PORSCHE,I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW,

'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA NEEDA LITTLE HELP.

WOMEN LOVE MYSTERY,THAT'S WHAT THEY LIKE--

LITTLE SURPRISES.

TONIGHT, WHEN YOUGO HOME

ADD A LITTLE MYSTERYTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

WHEN YOUR LADYLEAVES THE ROOM

TAKE A DUMP ON THE FLOOR.

HONESTLY,NO, REALLY.

HEAR ME OUT.

THERE IS NOTHING MORE MYSTERIOUSTHAN A DUMP ON THE FLOOR,

AND IT ALWAYS STARTSA CONVERSATION, AM I RIGHT ?

"HONEY, IS THATWHAT I THINK...

"I THINK IT IS !

YOU BETTER HOLD ME,'CAUSE I'M AFRAID."

EVEN AS WE'RE ALLSITTING HERE

SOMEWHERE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE

SOMEONE'S HAVING SEXWITH AN ANIMAL.

YEAH... AND SOME OF YOUARE THINKING,

"LET'S GET THEREBEFORE THERE'S A LINE."

WELL, THAT'S NOT WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT.

I'M NOT EVEN...

( sputtering )

NO.

PEOPLE ARE HAVING SEXWITH ANIMALS,

AND THEN WE WONDERWHY THE ANIMALS ATTACK US.

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

'CAUSE OF THATSICK MAN,

AND IT'S UP TO ME ANDA HALF-MEXICAN TO STOP 'EM.

I'M WATCHING THATANIMAL ATTACK SHOW, RIGHT ?

IT'S A BULLFIGHTIN SPAIN, RIGHT ?

THE BULL... THE BULL, HE'S,LIKE, GOT THE GUY DOWN, RIGHT ?

SO THEN THIS OTHER GUYJUMPS IN,

AND THE BULL SEES HIMAND GETS HIM DOWN WITH HIS HORNS

AND RIPS OFF HIS PANTSAND UNDERWEAR

JUST WITH HIS HORNS !

NOT WITH COCAINE OR PROMISESOF ACTING WORK OR SOMETHING, NO.

JUST THE HORNSTHAT GOD GAVE HIM.

THEN, GET A LOAD OF THIS--

IT GETS SCARIER, RIGHT ?

THE GUY GETS UP ANDHE STARTS RUNNING AND RUNNING

WITH HIS PENIS FLAPPING AROUNDIN THE AIR.

HE DOESN'T EVEN TRY ANDCOVER IT 'CAUSE HE'S SO AFRAID,

SCREAMING, "HELP, HELP !"

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT ISIN SPANISH.

"HELP-O, HELP-O !"WHATEVER IT IS.

THIS GUY IS AFRAID.

( laughter & applause )

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT FEARLOOKS LIKE, I'M TELLING YOU--

A MAN RUNNING AROUND

WITH HIS THING FLAPPING AROUNDIN THE AIR.

IF YOU WALK OUTOF HERE TONIGHT

AND YOU SEE A MANRUNNING DOWN THE STREET

WITH HIS THING FLAPPINGIN THE AIR,

RUN WITH THAT MAN...

'CAUSE THERE IS SOME SCARY STUFFCOMING THE OTHER WAY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

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