>> Jeselnik: THANK YOU AND

WELCOME TO THE "JESELNIK

OFFENSIVE."

I'M ANTHONY JESELNIK.

HOW YOU KIDS DOING TONIGHT?

I FIGURED I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS

AND BAD NEWS.

GOOD NEWS IS WE HAVE ADAM PALLY

AND CASEY WILSON HERE TONIGHT.

THE BAD NEWS IS AS FOLLOWS.

THIS IS BIG, A DANISH WOMAN

DIAGNOSED WITH MULTIPLE

SCLEROSIS DECIDED TO LITERALLY

RUN FOR HER LIFE COMPLETING 366

MARATHONS IN A YEAR.

DOCTORS SAY THE KEY TO HER

SURVIVAL WAS SKIPPING BOSTON.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jeselnik: THANK YOU.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, ROLLING STONE

MAGAZINE HAS BEEN BANNED BY 7-11

BECAUSE THE COVER FEATURES A

PHOTO OF TSARNAEV AND NOW IF YOU

WANT TO GO TO A 7-11 YOU'LL JUST

HAVE TO SEE THE SHRINE BEHIND

THE COUNTER.

HERE'S A WEIRD ONE, LAST WEEK A

WOMAN IN PENNSYLVANIA GAVE BIRTH

TO A BABY GIRL WEIGHING A

WHOPPING 13 POUNDS, 5 OUNCES.

THE MOM HAS A COUPLE IDEAS FOR

THE BABY'S NAME BUT AT THIS

POINT, SHE'S STILL TORN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jeselnik: I GOT TO POINT OUT

THAT'S A "JESELNIK OFFENSIVE"

FIRST.

A JOKE ABOUT A BABY, WHERE THE

BABY SURVIVES.

NOW, ON A SAD NOTE, "GLEE" STAR

CORY MONTEITH PASSED AWAY AT A

MONTREAL HOTEL AND POLICE SAY HE

PASSED AWAY FROM DRUGS AND THE

CAUSE OF DRUGS WAS "GLEE."

TO MUSIC NEWS, LAST WEEK A

COUPLE ON THEIR WAY TO A DAVE

MATHEWS CONCERT PULLED OVER TO

PICK UP A HITCHHIKER ONLY TO

DISCOVER IT WAS DAVE MATHEWS

HIMSELF BUT THEY SAID A

HITCHHIKER IS A HITCHHIKER SO

THEY KILLED HIM.

TALK ABOUT CLUTCH.

AFTER 40 YEARS OF NOT OWNING A

MOTORCYCLE BECAUSE HIS WIFE SAID

THAT WERE TOO DANGEROUS A

WYOMING MAN BOUGHT ONE AND WAS

KILLED AFTER RIDING THREE MILES.

SEEMS LIKE THE DEATH WAS A GREAT

LOSS BUT FOR THE WIFE THE

ARGUMENT WAS A HUGE VICTORY.

NOW HERE'S ONE FOR YOU ENTOURAGE

FANS.

ACCORDING TO A CELEBRITY EVENT

BOOKER IN NEW YORK, JEREMY PIVEN

WILL SHOW UP AT YOUR PARTY FOR

$70,000 OR YOU CAN GET HIM TO

STAY HOME.

AND FINALLY, MATT SANDUSKY THE

AST

ADOPTED SON OF JERRY SANDUSKY.

HE'S CHANGING HIS NAME TO

DISTANCE HIMSELF.

HE'S CHANGING HIS NAME TO MATT

KID-BANGER.

THAT'S A GREAT MONOLOGUE.

>> IT'S SO GREAT I CAN WALK

AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

OTHER JEW FROM THE NEW GIRL.

>> Jeselnik: YOU'VE GIVEN IT

THOUGHT.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> Jeselnik: LET'S GET INTO IT

WITH THE WORSE, WORSE THING OF

THE WEEK.

OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORIES

THIS IS THE WORSE.

MURDER WITH THE CASE THEY FED

ME.

GEORGE ZIMMERMAN WAS ACQUITTED

OF ALL CHARGES IN THE MURDER OF

TRAYVON MARTIN BUT STILL MAY

FACE FEDERAL SUITS AND CHARGES

AND MAY HAVE TO PAY BACK HIS

LAWYERS OR JUST SHOOT THEM AND

SAY THEY WERE BEATING HIM UP.

>> I DON'T KNOW A TON ABOUT THE

CASE BUT FROM WHAT I HAVE HEARD

IT SOUNDS LIKE ZIMMERMAN SHOT

THAT KID.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Jeselnik: YEAH.

>> I HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING IT AND

I FEEL LIKE IF I'VE LEARNED

ANYTHING IS THAT MURDER IS

EXTREMELY FATTENING.

>> Jeselnik: DEFINITELY.

I THINK IT'S A GOOD THING THAT

GEORGE ZIMMERMAN ISN'T GOING TO

PRISON.

THAT GUY DOES NOT DO WELL IN

GATED COMMUNITIES.

>> I HEARD THAT ZIMMERMAN TOLD

HIS FRIENDS THAT APPARENTLY HE

NOW WANTS TO BECOME A LAWYER SO

HE CAN DEFEND ANYONE WHO'S BEEN

WRONGFULLY ACCUSED AND I THOUGHT

THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

THIS MAN HAS FRIENDS.

>> Jeselnik: ONLY THING

INTERESTING TO ME IS TECHNICALLY

GEORGE ZIMMERMAN IS HALF BLACK

BECAUSE HE HAS JESSE JACKSON

COMPLETELY UP HIS ASS.

>> HE'S SO GOOD AT SPRAYING

BLACK MEN YOU WOULD THINK HE'S A

KARDASHIAN.

>> Jeselnik: YOU'RE GEORGE

ZIMMERMAN, CASEY JUST RECOGNIZED

YOU IN A BAR.

TRY TO EXPLAIN TO HER WHY YOU

LOOK FAMILIAR WITHOUT ADMITTING

YOU'RE THE MOST HATED MAN IN

AMERICA.

>> OKAY, WE'RE AT A BAR.

>> THIS IS MY DRINK.

OH, MY GOD, WAIT, YOU LOOK

>>

[ SCREAMING ]

>>

[ SCREAMING ]

>> EVERY SAW SHE WAS COMING AT

ME.

>> Jeselnik: WOW, I DID NOT

EXPECT THAT AT ALL.

>> THAT'S THE BEST THING I'VE

>>

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Jeselnik: DOUBLED IT.

NOW TIME TO PLAY WHAT'S THEIR

PROBLEM.

I'LL SHOW YOU SOMEONE FROM THE

NEWS AND YOU TELL ME WHAT'S

THEIR PROBLEM.

IT'S BRILLIANT.

FIRST UP, LOOK AT SHAGGY.

WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

>> I THINK HE'S UPSET BECAUSE HE

COULDN'T GET A BACKGROUND GIG ON

BREAKING BAD.

>> I FEEL LIKE HE'S JUST RAN OUT

OF CONDITIONER AND LOST THE WILL

TO LIVE.

>> I THINK --

>> HE'S KIND OF CUTE.

CAN I GO OUT ON A LIMB AND SAY

HE'S KIND OF CUTE.

>> Jeselnik: YOU CANNOT.

>> THAT'S A THIN LIMB.

>> Jeselnik: SORRY, YOU GUYS

WERE BOTH WRONG.

THIS GUY WAS ACTUALLY BUSTED FOR

HAVING SEX WITH HIS NEIGHBOR'S

POOL FLOAT.

TWICE.

AFTER THE FIRST TIME DON'T YOU

SAY, YOU KEEP IT.

>> IS THAT THE POOL FLOAT HE

[BLEEP]?

>> THAT'S HUGE.

>> I HOPE HE WAS STICKING IT

INTO THE HOLE YOU BLOW INTO.

>> Jeselnik: MOVING ON, LET'S

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS

HEART-BREAKER RIGHT HERE.

TELL ME WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

THE WOMAN INSIDE HIS WINNEBAGO

WON'T DIE?

>> I THINK HE'S BEEN TRYING FOR

A LONG TIME BUT HE STILL CAN'T

TELL IF HE'S A RED NECK.

>> Jeselnik: HE'S GOT A

FOXWORTHY VIBE FOR SURE AND

DOESN'T LOOK SMARTER THAN A

FIFTH GRADER.

ACTUALLY, THIS MAN WAS ACCUSED

OF MURDERING HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH

A HOMEMADE CANNON.

HE FORGOT THE FIRST RULE OF

CANNON SAFETY, DO NOT OWN A

CANNON.

>> HOW DID HE MURDER HIS

GIRLFRIEND WITH A CANNON.

YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES TO

LOAD A CANNON.

>> YOU'RE BLAMING THIS ON HER?

SHE SHOULD HAVE HAD TIME TO

LEAVE.

>> LIKE STAY RIGHT THERE AND

THEN WEILDED IN A CANNON AND

THEN PUT THE THING IN AND SHE

WAS LIKE WHAT AM I WAITING FOR?

>> SURPRISE ME.

>> Jeselnik: MOVING ON.

THE NEXT GUY LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOT

ALL KINDS OF ISSUES.

HE'S GOT ALL KINDS OF ISSUES BUT

WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

HE CAN'T TURN IT OFF?

>> HE'S CLEARLY TURNING INTO A

PELICAN.

>> I LIKE THAT HE THAT'S GOATEE

TO ACCENTUATE IT.

>> Jeselnik: CLOSE.

THIS GUY WAS ACTUALLY ARRESTED

FOR ALLEGEDLY GRABBING A LITTLE

BOY AND SNIFFING HIM.

THE CHARGE WAS ATTEMPTED

KIDNAPPING BUT GOT TO KNOCKED

DOWN TO ATTEMPTED APPETIZER.